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Anyone ever found it difficult to get over an ex's past?


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Just wondering if anyone else has ever been in a relationship where you struggled with what you knew your S.O. had done before you two were together. In my last relationship an issue that came up from time to time was that my ex would occasionally talk about her ex and about guys who she had non-committed sexual relationships with. We had a bit of a fight once about it and I told her from that point on that I did not want to hear anything more about her past. From what I know she has been a bit promiscuous in her life (needless to say her number was significantly higher than mine), and it came to a head one night when she told me how she used to see a guy who she KNEW had a gf, and he was more than ten years older than her to boot (she was like 22, he was in his early thirties), and that she still kept in touch with him somewhat (their "relationship" is long over, he is now engaged). Her telling me this made me lose some respect for her, and for the first time I found myself constantly thinking about and struggling with her past. I think in my next relationship I am going to say right in the beginning that I do not want to hear about her past, I understand that everybody has a past and that includes me, but I feel that talking about it when your in a relationship is disrespectful to your new gf or bf. Just seeing if anybody has ever dealt with this in a current or past relationship and how you handled it.

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I think it is actually important to know a certain amount of somebody's past to get an idea of their values. In other words, were they promiscuous, did they cheat, did they have a relationship with someone who was attached, did they live with anyone, if so, how many people did they live with over the years, have they ever been married or engaged, how long were their relationships etc. Specific details are not necessary, but basic information is important so that you can get the full picture of someone. It sounds to me that you and your ex had incompatible values and that's where the problem lay. I don't think people should act like Sgt Schultz from Hogan's Heroes "I know nothing! Nothing!" because eventually the real story will come out..better to know sooner than later so that the other person can make a better decision.

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Yeah. The more I think about it, we did have different values. I definitely did not like that she was involved with someone she knew was in a relationship, and it did also vex me that she carried on non-committed sexual relationships in the past, and that alot of the guys in her past were often around 10 years older than her. Call me old-fashioned or narrow-minded but something about it just didn't agree with me.

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Wow this is what exactly is happening in my relationship, but a little different. See me and my gf have known each other b4 we started going out, so she know the girls that I have done stuff with and I know some that she has done stuff with. And her knowing my past really bothers her. I try not to let her past bother me cuz i dont want to think about it and i said the same thing you did, that is disrespectful to talk about and bring it up. I mean at first I tried explaining to her that everyone has a past and I cant change it, but we have been going out for 9 months and its still bothering her and its getting old. So your not the only one going through this.

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It plays to our insecurities, especially fessing up to knowingly cheating on someone (either with them on someone they were with, or on someone you were with). That destroys credibility and erodes trust, especially if you feel no shame in having done so. No offense, but this girl does not sound like good girlfriend material, at least not for you. She might do well in an “open” relationship if she can find one. People who treat sex so cavalierly may not often have high marks in the fidelity department. So if that is important to you, it’s usually better to avoid someone who is very promiscuous and enjoys lots of casual encounters (meaning no commitment or relationship necessary prior to getting it going). It’s just one of those ‘good to live by rules’, even though it doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is incapable of being faithful just because they once had lots of recreational sex. Of course there is the legitimate concern about STDs, as well as the person’s psychological and emotional status (why are they or were they promiscuous, and if it’s due to a problem, have they sufficiently dealt with it). However, if they are open to sex with people they know are married or know are in committed relationships, then they probably don’t place the same value on fidelity that you do. This is very important in the ‘being a match for each other’ department. It also calls into question their character. Is it human frailty or something else? In some ways it’s much easier to respect a person that is open about it than one who is not. There is no deception that way, and you know what you’re getting into and can decide if it’s for you or not.

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I see what you are saying. Many of my friends have told me that when I was able to have sex with her on our first date that it should have set off red flags in my head about her. I honestly believe she never cheated on me, I had a few doubts during our relationship, but when we were breaking up she swore to me that I was the only guy in her life, and I can't see why she would have any reason to lie to me at that point.

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I see what you are saying. Many of my friends have told me that when I was able to have sex with her on our first date that it should have set off red flags in my head about her. I honestly believe she never cheated on me, I had a few doubts during our relationship, but when we were breaking up she swore to me that I was the only guy in her life, and I can't see why she would have any reason to lie to me at that point.

 

 

Well, this is true, she had sex with you on the first date so chances are she has done that before...similarly you had sex on the first date so from that aspect you can't really judge her since you did the same thing.

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Well, this is true, she had sex with you on the first date so chances are she has done that before...similarly you had sex on the first date so from that aspect you can't really judge her since you did the same thing.[/quote

 

Many people have told me that I'm probably not the first guy shes slept with on the first date, and your right that I'm just as guilty as she is in that aspect. Its just the old double-standard that its ok for a guy to have sex on a first date but its not ok for a girl to do the same. But I honestly do not consider myself to be a promiscous person, not to say I have been an angel my entire life, but you get the picture.

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