maritalbliss Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 My husband and I are having serious problems with my best friend (who is a girl to be clear about this) who doesn't seem to listen. My husband has to be at work at 7am in the morning so as a reult, we wake up at 5am. I've told my friend constantly to never call after 9pm (we usually aren't asleep by then but are getting ready to sleep/possibly making love/or just don't want to be stuck in a two hour long conversation about things with her. She doesn't listen, and calls us at any time she likes (even as late as 1 or 2 in the morning) - we try to keep our phones on silent but of course sometimes we forget, and then are awakened by my phone ringing and lo and behold its her. Anyway, I've made it clear to her that to keep this friendship going she has to respect us and the fact that we wake up before the sun rises, and that we desperately need our sleep in order to function. She is single, lives off her parents, is an only child, and has only recently started working (only because she has to and is about to graduate into the business world)... so yes, she is a little spoiled, has never had to really take care of anyone else as she's never had siblings, etc. I love her so much, she was my maid of honor at our wedding and I'd love to be her matron of honor. But being how it is, I am seriously thinking of ending our friendship. This is not a one time thing, and I have confronted her many many times. My husband and I are both very sweet people and unfortunately, this causes us to be a magnet for selfish people. This is why I feel I need to end the friendship, sort of to protect my husband from her(because he so needs his sleep) and possibly our children down the road being that I can't really trust her to ever listen to our requests about calling times. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated, because I really don't want to have to end the friendship, but I'm thinking that possibly I might just need to .... Link to comment
bronte Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 That sounds very frustrating! What do you say to her when she calls? I have a very chatty friend who used to call all the time like that and I eventually learned that I had to completely refuse to talk to her when she'd called at a time I'd told her not to--I'd tell her, "I'm sorry, I can't talk right now," and then I'd hang up. Eventually she stopped since she wasn't getting anything out of the calls... Link to comment
Mun Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Hello there, Are you answering her calls? If you have made your wishes clear and she disregards then just don't answer the phone. If she continues you may just need to turn off your phones religiously at night until she gets the hint. Obviously talking with her does no good. Just be firm and consistent--as you would with a child. ugh! If this gets to be a bigger problem you may need to change numbers.. but definitely set boundaries. Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 yes, thats what I'm currently doing.... not answering. But I was wondering if maybe I should answer and tell her we were sleeping..... I think its going to be a long road ahead if I want to keep her as a friend though.... Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 the thing about setting boundaries though, is that... I HAVE already!!!! By telling her... but I guess it really will need more of a dramatic effect for her to actually get the point. Link to comment
Mun Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 You need to SHOW her that you mean what you say. That's what I mean by not answering and not responding. You've already told her what you want now you have to show her you are serious. Just like you would a kid. Unless your behavior reflects what you want done, she will ignore your wishes and think " well she will make an exception for me" or something like that. I have a friend who likes to have 4 hr conversations. I confess they are usually great but if I dont have the time or I'm busy I won't answer the phone. If I did answer, when I KNOW I can't talk , then It's my fault... right? If it's convenient for you, you answer, if it's not then you don't. You can always call her back when you have time. Don't feel bad about it. You have expressed yourself to her, she needs to respect that and get the hint.. Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 by not answering and not responding... thats what I'm trying to do. This past summer I felt like I had finally had it and I actually did try to end our friendship but just never answering her calls and such. It didn't really work out though, as I felt bad for never giving her a clear reason (she stupidly thinks that its fine to go beyond boundaries like that, and acts like nothing is wrong the next time she calls). So I did finally call her and told her how we've repeatedly told her not to call us that late etc etc.... she seemed to get the point I guess, but now, here she is doing the same old thing again and acting like nothing is wrong with it. I guess my frustration really is, that I do love her and love our conversations, but I have no clue as to how to get her to see this importance of respecting us... being that I HAVE tried to end the friendship over it already and didn't b/c I realized that I did want her in my life. Now I just have no clue what do. Link to comment
redhearts Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Change your number, then just give her a cell number. At 9 p.m turn off the cell. Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 it is my cell number, we don't have a home phone. But yea, I think it would be good to just get into the practice of turning them off at night. But as far as confronting her again...??? I guess I'm just getting tired of her doing it and then calling in the next day or so thinking everythings fine when I'm so angry. My husband wants to pick up the phone (when she calls late at night) and tell her we're sleeping - which is fine, but I think I should really be the one to have to deal with her (she's my crazy friend and all...) But yes, I think I just need to be more firm in not keeping the phone on at night. And also tell her again, for the millionth time to not call late at night (but then if she does, hopefully it will be off). Link to comment
redhearts Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 You don't turn off your phone? Unless your using it for an alarm, you should just keep it off. That would be an easy fix. (Until you start having a full inbox) Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 we never had a problem really with people calling late at night like that, so no, we never even turn them on silent... but I see that it would make for a "quick fix"... but I still don't understand that a friend would do something like that (show no respect at all)... and it really makes me rethink the friendship again, and this time... I really don't feel like its worth the effort to keep a selfish friend very close. (she's not just selfish in this way... if it were only this issue then maybe it would be different). Link to comment
redhearts Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Some people are just jealous. Put it that way. You are young, but your married and happy, you have a great life. Maybe this is her way of trying to interrupt your life or happiness. So I suggest if you don't want to be friends with her then, well just tell her how you feel. That you think its best if you two aren't friends anymore. Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 and just the fact that I'm a married, fulltime college student (who was working a part time job as well last semester)... I don't have time for friends that are selfish or who don't regard our wishes. I've grown up a lot in a sense, partially by learning to be a wife (and a good wife who cares for her husband), meanwhile she seems stuck in her high school ways of relating to things. I don't know, maybe I'm being too hard, or maybe we really have grown apart and now its time to realize that. Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Some people are just jealous. Put it that way. You are young, but your married and happy, you have a great life. Maybe this is her way of trying to interrupt your life or happiness. So I suggest if you don't want to be friends with her then, well just tell her how you feel. That you think its best if you two aren't friends anymore. oops sorry I didn't see this post before I posted again. But yes I agree - good advice and THANK YOU!!!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 i agree, just turn off the phone at night, and let that be the end of it. she'll learn soon enough that if she wants to talk to you, she'll need to call you during daylight hours. that's what i like about email. you can email someone at 1 AM and not wake them up or interrupt them! Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 see thats what I love too... electronical communication or just face to face. But she lives in a city two hours away and "refuses" to come down for just a weekend because she views it as a waste of time/gas money when she can only stay for 2 days. She also isn't satisfied unless its a lonnnngg conversation or multiple short conversations throughout the week! I just don't like being tied to phone when I have tons of things to do around the house or homework and such. I used to love talking on the phone... when I had hours of free time. But unfortunately as we are planning on having kids soon, my free time (for her) will only be getting shorter and more nonexistent than it already is!!! Link to comment
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