My GF broke up with me...is this a test of true love?

[jk5551607306431]

I need some advice to get my girlfriend of almost 3 years back into my life. It was while I was on vacation for a month with my family overseas, that she decided she didn't want a boyfriend anymore. She emailed me telling me that she wants to be alone, needs time, and didn't want the stress of having a boyfriend anymore. Needless to say, it made me feel miserable inside, and totally ruined my vacation. I can't understand how a girl, who i know loved and cared for me so much, just wanted to do this. I must admit, we've had a lot of bad times, but we've had good too...but she just highlights the bad. there is something about her where I just can't let her go. Being overseas for a month, I had a chance to go through a lot of self evaluation, and I then knew that this girl was my life...

 

The day I called her when I got back, she treated me like S**t! She put me down, told me we had no future, and she never wants to see me again, doesn't love me, and we won't get back together, and the only way so is if it's meant to be....she keeps saying she needs time and space.

 

If all that is true then why did she agree to meet me only a few days later. It didn't seem like anything was wrong! We had a great time. I caught her calling me 'baby' twice and she even kissed me at the end of the day...still telling me she needs time. but when i got back home, she called me and told me to 'move on' and that I need to find someone else. I'm getting so many mixed signals that its driving me crazy! I love this girl. The biggest mixed signal is that she's still wearing the promise ring I bought her 2 years ago...now if she didn't love me, then why is she wearing the ring? Is she testing my love, to see if i'd stay no matter what the situation? Is this applicable to the quote, 'if you love something, set it free....if it comes back to you , it was meant to be, if not it never was..." Some how I feel as if this is a test, and that gives me the drive to keep loving her...let me know.

[kamurj]

Hey everyone, first post.

 

JK, I've been with my boyfriend on and off for three years, too. Recently, I've been trying to end it as though my life depended on it. I have not had the bittersweet luxury of a monthlong absense on his part, so things here have been more dramatic than you've been subjected to.

 

I know with us, I hadn't been voicing my concerns with our conflicting personalities, directions in life, approaches to everything, and such. We'd scrap occasionally, but as far as he was concerned, everything was perfect. I had desperately wanted it to be.

 

Your girlfriend may have been carrying something of this sort on her shoulders for a long time, and your vacation gave her enough psychological distance to see and feel clearly. She sounds amazingly calm- she could have made peace with her decision already. The thing is, though, that she also loves you terribly, ergo the ring and kiss.

 

She's probably feeling at odds with herself, deciding what she wants. Ask her if there was any long-standing issues she saw that you didn't. That may open some roads to reconciliation.

But I warn you: My boyfriend's ignorance of our situation is what assures me that I'm right to leave.

 

I do wish you the best; I just wanted to give you a heads-up

[kamurj]

I know what you're going through, only mine told me these things, and had another guy in the picture waiting for my final screw-up. We had a great relationship together, but then she wasn't getting the things she wanted, only never bothered to tell me, instead just bailed out, and now is happily with another relationship 3 weeks later. I'm crushed. I think for you, you should just give her space, and don't talk to her let her figure things out..... I know this is my only course of action.

[kamurj]

I am a woman, and I cannot tell you why she's doing what she's doing, nor can I tell you how to win her back. But I can tell you how not to win her back: Try to get her back. In other words, if she feels you trying to get her back, she will create more distance. You need to totally give her space, and get on with your life--or at least pretend really good that you're on with your life, but not in-her-face-with-it pretending. If she calls you, wait 2 days to call her back, and say you were really busy. I know this sounds like a game, and it is. But the truth is there is always, at different times perhaps, a distancer and a pursuer in a relationship. When it's balanced, it's great for passion and intimacy. If she still loves you, when she feels enough distance to miss you and fear losing you, she will start coming back toward you. It may be she won't, but if not it wasn't ever gonna be. But if you persue her when she's distancing, she'll distance further. Trust me! I know from my own experience. And if you do get her back, NEVER forget the distance/pursuer theory. Try to make sure it is in balance in all your relationships...never pursue her away, never distance yourself too much.

[kamurj]

I actually was concerned with that issue, and did give it a lot of thought. When asking her about it, she told me that if i didn't contact her for a short period then that would prove that I did not love her. Yet when I do contact her, she seems irritated and annoyed. Its funny, sometimes she gives me no hope of reconciliation, yet some days she says I love you to me at the end of phone conversations. I've read almost all the relationship books out there, but these mixed signals have been going on for over a month now. I just cannot seem to be doing anything right. And deep down I know if I give her space, she'll totally take it the wrong way. Please reply back to this. Thank you

[al355]

I'm going through exactly the same thing. We had a series of 3 bust ups and then did not see each other for 3 weeks. In that time she thought I was not right for her, even though we had been together for 2 and a half years and been through many things good and bad together.

Ultimately I think that letting go is the best way to deal with it, I tried right away to say I will change and fight to get her back, but it just felt like another fight with her so all I'm going to do now is tell her I am changing for my own benefit not hers and let her go. I do think that from both sides this will let us see what we both want and feel more clearly than any pressure from the other.

The situation with me was that her parents were against me, but she stuck by me and I did not deal with the 'problem'.

[kamurj]

I know just how you feel. Split up with my partner of 2 yrs just over 2 weeks ago. Still hurts like hell. We were incredibly close despite a 12 yr age gap (me 34, her 22) and for much of the time, she was the pursuer in the relationship - referring back to an earlier post.

I realise now that I was selfish in some ways - mainly in not finding time for her and this simply drove us apart at the end. I know that I have to change and that I can change but will she give me the chance to prove that?

I have to give her the time and space - to consider the good times and see if she actually misses me. When I phone or text her - she is irritable. But sometimes she will phone me and we will talk for an hour or two just like we used to. Like the original poster - the conflicting signals are driving me mad.

As a male, I find doing nothing - giving her that space - is a very, very tough thing to do. Give her too much and maybe she forgets you, too little and you are the pursuer and she will distance herself.

I`m sorry this doesn`t help the original poster but I would love any advice on where the middle ground lies.

[kamurj]

In response to this, all I can say (all that can be said) is never show the one who is rejecting you that you need to get them back...I've been through this twice before I was able to learn that people (especially girls) take advantage of you even more if u pursue them in a breakup...TRUST ME!!!! If they say "can we be friends" just say "I have enough friends" Always think ahead of the game...because I'm sorry to say it, but it is a GAME..think strategically. If she really loves you, she will come crawling back to you....just act like your cool..dont give in....and dont go overboard ....Pretend your fishing....when shes on the hook, reel her in alittle, but play with it too. TO ALL THE GUYS IN THESE SITUATIONS, take it from me...and if it is fixable it'll work....play it cool, and dont give in

[kamurj]

Hi JK. I think I know what you are going through. I am in a similar position. My beloved GF suddenly dumped me and is dating her boss. It is a good moment to think about what has happened during the length of your relationship. Perhaps you can write a letter, even if you will not send it, it will help you collect your thoughts and feelings and be calm. I agree with most of the advice, let her take the distance and time she needs, you must respect that, even if you think she is making a mistake. After a few weeks, interesting things can happen: (1) she can miss you and make contact, perhaps with a clearer feeling of what she wants, and (2) you can feel a new, deep kind of love that can only be felt when you really let go. Perhaps you will be together again, perhaps not, but don't pressure.

[kamurj]

hi guys,

what is there to say? my girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago and go with one of my friend. I don't know what to say or what to do. I'm sad and miss her like hell. The thing is; she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Can you all believe that? After two years of staying together spending good and bad time. And now everything is gone like dust blown away.

After i read all of you guys messages, i think i should stop bothering her. Most of you have great points. Thanks. I didn't know that i'm the only one who is sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean right now.

To everybody, i wish you all luck and to myself too. JK let her go, if you two are meant together, then one day she will come back to you. That's what i told my girlfriend 2. Cheer!!!

[kamurj]

It's amazing how women have this capability of walking away with somebody else and replacing one person with another. I thought only us men could do that, and when I did it, I still had a lot of feelings for the ex-person and it was not really a fast transition. But my GF she just switched in one week and it is as if I never existed. I cannot seem to tap into her missing me, as if 6 months had passed or someting like that. Very strange.

 

I have this fantasy that she left me for her boss to get even at me (I had an affair 1 year ago exactly) and that she will come back in two months...

 

Girls, any advice?

[kamurj]

What I suggest is for you to work on yourself. Clean up your life. Gain your self respect back. Put a smile on your face. Exercise. Do something positive. Show her how strong you are even without her by her side. This is very attractive......

The other man seems attractive but she is caught up in the emotions...believe me I have been there.

 

Let her go. Go out with someone else. Still be nice to her and support her but let her know that you are still somebody worth having. If you do this, I swear if she loved you....she will notice. I am not sure where this will lead but you are not losing in the end....your life will be turned around for the positive!!

[Ignacio]

Thank You Jules for your advice. I do think she is caught in the emotions with the other guy. She does not make him afraid and that is something she has never felt before. He is such a father figure, older and calm and successful. I know by some relatives that she is taking the guy to meet her familiy this weekend. I feel so replaced... I wish there were something I could do but I do not know what. How can I keep hope alive in myself?

[Musicapple]

Hi Jk555, I can't believe how close our situtations are . The difference only being that my relationship lasted for about 7 years. I was just wondering if anything new developed between the two of you? It's been almost 6 months now that I've been apart from my EX and I'm still getting mixed singals from her. Actually the family has no qualms that I hang out with them, even golf with them. She'll take my calls and return e-mails , but she won't e-mail me back or hang out with me. She has been dating and has been seeing some older guy too. People tell me this older guy yonger girl thing doesn't last long. I guess it's her way of getting back at me for dumping her a couple of times during the relationship. Unforentenly she grew on me over time, bad habits are tough to break and yes I miss her dearly , since we had beome best friends too. I asked her for another chance , like I gave her. But nothing doing. I guess it get her a power trip knowing she may have gotten to me. My best advise is to be yourself and move on. Because I could assure you she's still the same women you met and you don't want to go back to her after you know she's been messying around with other guys.

[overcorrect]

Man, I was going to post a somewhat hostile reply with the general message similar to what samantha wrote. I read samantha's reply and I have to say that it is probably the most insightful reply I have ever seen on the topic. I have to say I agree wholeheartedly with what she was saying and the "pursuer/distancer" theory is wonderful. One thing I would like to add is this. You might consider counting your blessing with the breakup because it could have quite possibly saved you years of continued heartache with the wishy-washy attitude she puts in her relationship with you. The not knowing is what's killing you. If you remember anything, remember this... you will never know the answers as to "why" this happened. You will never know, ever. I've been through two of these types of break-ups and it's been years and I still don't know the details. You deserve a female that will treat you with dignity and respect. My theory is this... don't be the person she broke up with when it comes to your attitude. Be the person she started dating when she first met you. That is the person that originally attracted her (and probably other women) in the first place. Do not allow her or accept that she has "ruined your life" (I've had two of them apologize like that) because believe me when you are friggin' 80 you're not going to be still sobbing over her. Be who you were before. If she comes back, she needs to understand that you will not tolorate that behavior ever, EVER! Make a pact with yourself as of this date to stop totally of talking to her, driving by her house, etc. etc. It won't accomplish anything for you right now and it will just "confirm" her belief that you have the problem not her.

[Mum]

Hi,

Let me tell you a real story. Twelve years ago I lived with a younger man. I was divorced, had a daughter in her teens. My boyfriend of 6 years and I started having problems. We had been just perfect before that. He wanted to get married, I was afraid to. My old old high school sweetheart from way before also got divorced. ( We had broken up after high school because of Viet Nam.) He had two sons. He was contacting me fairly frequently, and we talked about both our situations. Well, my daughter, and his sons pushed enough to get us to see each other. He was in Canada. I was in South Carolina. He came down, with the kids. Well, I told my current boyfriend, things needed to be resolved if I was going to go on and marry him - I didn't want my past unresolved relationship to be a problem, and I wanted him to open up more as I was feeling very insecure about his recent distancing. He had, after 6 good years, taken up with work friends that drank, and I think, encouraged him to distance himself because of the age difference - there was alot involved, and he was young. I went to Canada - he told me the very phrase you used. But, you know what? When I came back, and was going to tell them both where I stood, he had left - all my things were gone, my pets, my life with him. I was going to marry him. Because I had the kids to think about, I just gave up went back to Canada - we saw each other for a few minutes, I despretely wanted to talk to him, but I think he had been drinking - not a problem he really had, but I just left. He didn't even try.

Well, I found out he married another older girl several years later - she seemed to encourage him "having a good time" - and she had some money. I married my old boyfriend, we came back to the states, and he died 3 years later of cancer. The kids went back to Canada. Mine stayed with me and got married. Just before I lost my husband, he gave me a tape. It had come in the mail years before. My boyfriend had asked me to come back - this was before either spouse. I never got the tape till it was too late.

javascript called him - he wouldn't talk to me. So - I went on - very brokenhearted. This past year he split for a short time with his wife - she cheated on him, and I called him. We talked for almost two hours. She was in counseling, he was going back to her out of necessity and "family" pressure. They do not have any children, other than his dogs.- (They had been split for several months, but she had him deep in debt, so he really had no choice but go back, he felt.) From what I could tell from what he said, she is very good at the guilt trips and he is a very caring person basically who doesn't like change as he gets older. She now has all kinds of health problems and he carries the financial burdens. Some payback.... (At this point I found out a mutual "friend" of ours knew about the split from the start but didn't tell me...some friend, huh?) My ex told me he still loved me but there were too many situational ties in his current situation. I told him I never got the tape till later and I sent him a long e-mail about everything that had happened. He was e-mailing me back, and we were starting to communicate well, just like old times, when I get this e-mail from his wife "thanking"

javascript for all the help that I was giving him. I had told him to take some time, think things through and then decide who and where he wanted to be. I didn't even push to get back together, tho I did tell him I loved him very much. I live two fairly close states away, not in debt, and live quite well. I have dated some, but still single - mainly because I still love him, but also because I do well on my own, even though I get very depressed sometimes.

So..he is stuck, I am in love and lonely. He plays lots of golf,

javascript play with my granddaughter - my own daughter feels guilty for breaking us up, I never see my Canadian step-sons - I found out my best friend in S.C. isn't really - and someone with her own agenda has won the game. I still wear the medal he gave me. I have never taken it off in 12 years. My daughter tried to see him - she has seen him once - says he's not happy but won't discuss it.....her second trip it "wasn't convenient" with his wife....to stop by on the way through.

I know he still loves me - not her. My daughter would be better off emotionally if we were back together, as well. But - It's his ball game, and it doesn't look as if he has it in him to "play through". Some people won't take big risks. I think I over-estimated him. Not the "Tiger" I thought!

It takes two, sweetie. And some people are weak. I made a mistake being honest, he made mistake not "communicating", my daughter made a mistake pushing, and now he's making a mistake not risking.

Try, don't fly. Communicate, don't wait.

[axe03]

my gf broke up with me,,is ths the tst of tre luv?

what part of your message dont you understand?

part 1 reads......

MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME.................

come on bro....hold your head up...i mean come on guys....we dont really love these bimbos for who they are....we dont want to hear in detail what hurts their feelings,,we dont want to watch them going through their endless amount of wardrobe that they use to fit into.its all about sex,and this they know.the worst thing that you can do to a woman is ignore her.and remember this guys.....when she for no reason starts pouring on the extra affection,and saying and doing nice things for you,believe me.....its a smokescreen.....what i mean is that she has just done or is about to do somthing very bad,....

[EM1607306443]

hi! I am a girl but I understand how you feel. I know you really love her. You know what, she still DO LOVE YOU...believe me. Try to win her back. After all you still love her dont you? Remember true love is once in a lifetime. Dont let someone you really love pass you by without letting them know how you love them, how you take good care for them...you dont know what you're missing! Please...dont be like me...now all i can do is to regret, to blame myself. If only I could turn back the time...really I would do ANYTHING to win his love back...

[Roo99]

Your girlfriend dumped you and dated other man for whatever reasons. You still miss her, and try to win her back. Let say that you succeed in winning her back, can you really feel secure about the relationship. Aren’t you scared that one day she is going to do it to you again? If you feel uncomfortable, maybe you should think twice, before setting your mind to win her back.

[NEBO]

But my GF she just switched in one week and it is as if I never existed. I cannot seem to tap into her missing me, as if 6 months had passed or someting like that. Very strange.

 

it is because she is female, and thereforeeeeeee totally devoid of any feelings or compassion. she was "addicted' to the male aspects of your character that fulfilled her need. when you stopped doing that for her, she simply swapped "the male" for one that did. (they're like heroin junkies when it comes to fulfilling their own needs) She still craves "the male", like she always did. it's just that "the male" isn't you anymore.

[civic03]

I am starting to think sometimes that my g/f is testing my love.

First we broke up, then she tells me she kissed my friend. She doesn't want to spend time with me!!! I go out with my guy friends to a car show, she gets pissed-off that i went, and tells me not to call her!! Last week she tells me i don't love her, and if I would show her how much I love her, I would have her back!!

I tell her all the time how much i love her and miss her and wish we could work things out.

But she never wants to spend time with me, she's allways with this other guy and , I'm supposed to stay in the closet while she can do whatever!! She says I made her jelous!!

Ya ok.. i tell her that thats how I have felt for the last month. I never did anything wrong unlike her. Everywhere i go I just think how i wish she was there!!! Is this testing my love, or what might happen with us? I'm still confused????????????????????????????????????

[sergio]

A message for all you guys out there Just because a grl has a pretty face and and awesome body does not entitle her to treat you like filth. HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT GUYS, at the end of the day we don't want a serious relationships with bimbos, gold diggers, or nut cases. these ppl are just there for the fun of it, they use and should just be used back, no mercy, no pity, cause they never showed any to us when we were daft enough to forgive, forget, and treat them with the respect, and dignity which they did not deserve. So hold your heads up, your pride first! running after them and howling a mixture of abuse, self pity, love declerations and promises of a better future together will never get you anywhere. Just pull up your socks and focus on your OWN life. Find your self esteem outside a relationship, try to be better people, but better still, learn to accept yourselves as you are, and don't let your mercenery X gf's lead you by the nose. as many other contributors pointed out before, if they love you , and you always treated them with respect, they will come back. If they don't, then just walk away, throw away the photos, letters, numbers, and start afresh. thats the best way, and in the long run, the only way.

[serenade]

it is exactly the same situation that my ex-boyfriend and I were in. The only difference I think is that we were together for five years. When I broke up with him, I was so sure that I am not in love with him anymore. But after some time, and saw him really devastated and asked me to come back because he would die... I agree to stay because I felt that I still love him and he deserved a second chance because he is a good man. But I was wrong, it was only a matter of being used to it, doing the things that you always do together... like saying i love you and then kiss and all that. Finally, I realized it was never meant to be, but I can act well and show him that I love him even though I do not because I used to do those things that I know can make him believe that I love him. My advice is try to analyze your girl's feeling, do not be fooled by the things that you would like to feel and happen and the things that can make you happy. Don't think of a certain situation as a good one just because it satisfies your thoughts. Ask her... nothing can make things clearer than communicating with each other. You can always show her your love and your good intention for her, those things really work... a woman's heart is never blind... good luck!

[Brick]

OK - so some of us are fortunate enough to go through life without this kind of trouble, but some are not. I'll spill the secrets of women, and why the pursuer/distance thing is the way to go.

 

It is not attractive to have someone begging you to come back to them. Imagine if you met someone at a party for the first time, and they were really sad and saying "Please go out with me" - not attractive at all.

 

Most men fail to realise that their relationship has ended. They still behave as if they are a couple when their girlfriend has split up with them. This is usually because it is a "surprise". What you need to realise is that your girlfriend has been thinking about this for AGES. She hasn't suddenly broken up with you, she has thought about it in private, and probably done a lot of crying and emotional stuff behind your back. Whatever the situation - your relationship has changed completely - so don't act like nothing is wrong.

 

POINT 1: YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.

Once you have realised this - you can start to behave like yourself again. Go to the gym, do something new, get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Sure it hurts sometimes, and you can cry in your bedroom until your eyes look like footballs, but to the outside world you need to be strong and in control. If a woman walks away, and sees you crumble, she'll walk away for good. Be strong. Start to realise that you are a GREAT CATCH. She would be damned lucky to have you. Stand tall. Be independent.

 

POINT 2: TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM YOUR EX FOR A WHILE, HANGING OUT AS "FRIENDS" MERELY CONFUSES YOU AND PROLONGS THE PAIN.

If a relationshipa is supposed to work out, it will. If you were made for eachother, a few months apart will not kill your love. However, a few months apart will kill HABIT. If you think about her all the time, go to places hoping to see her, send her texts and emails and letters, you are not allowing your mind to move on. The sooner that you get over the emotion of it all, the sooner you can move on or get back together. You can't get back together successfully while you have a bleeding heart. Take some time out - heal yourself.

 

POINT 3: IF YOU HAVE TO SEE YOUR EX BECAUSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.

Don't call her, and when you do talk, don't talk about how you broke up and miss her. If she steers the conversation onto that topic, say "Well, I tried to save it, but I guess it's too late now. Did you see ER last night? . .blah". Let her do the calling and running. Always let her know that you are glad she called. and that it was nice to speak to her, but dont pursue.

 

POINT 4: WHAT DO YOU WANT ?

Do you want her back? Or do you want what she used to be back. remember that she will never be the sweet girl that you first met. She will always be the girls that dumped you (and did whatever else). Long term, can you live with this? Will you trust her again? If she comes home at 3am will you be worried? Remember that there are plenty more fish in the sea, and you can be just as happy with another person (who will not have all the baggage of the breakup).

 

You need to move on and can survive without her. When she tells you that "You never call and obviously don't care" - tell her that you do care, but need to get on with life and find someone who loves you and is prepared to stand by you.

 

DONT DONT DONT chase her. You will never get her back. Be strong and you might get her back. If you do the things that I have said two things may happen :

 

1) You become a much stronger person, more attractive to your EX, and you get back together. But realise that you have to stay as this "stronger person" to keep her interested. If you go back to being the way you were she may well leave again.

 

2) She doesn't come back, but your head is in a better place and you are not so sad anymore. You'll meet someone else. Be yourself, and see if it works out. Find someone who loves you for who you are.

[dp]

Great posts people, especially Brick... Kind of sad but true.

I'm in a situation a lot like this and even thought that my g/f was trying to unconsciously "test my love"... I can be a good example as to the "pursuer/distance" method working...

 

Whenever she was unsure about us (and we would either break up or leave each other sort of uneasy), I would usually take it really hard, but would never let it show. I kept completely cool about it, USUALLY, and when she would tell me that she wants to be friends, I was fairly good about it. When I would get home, I wouldn't get online to talk with her, I usually would do other things to keep my mind off of her like go work out or sleep (sleep is the number one thing). And there was nothing more I loved than waking up to her calling me on the phone, which I was almost sure she would do every night (and did). I kept my distance, didn't call her, and let her do her own thing. Ill admit that it wasn't easy and I spent many-a-night balling like crazy, but me showing that I am strong and can live without her I think someway made her attracted to me again.

 

We just got done with Spring Break and we spent the entire week together. School is starting back up and today I noticed a little bit of distance between us... What am I doing? Well, I got home and pretty much kept busy doing something else besides calling or talking to her online. She knows that I care and love her so much, so I dont think she worries that im trying to get away, and this distance gives us a break that she wants, even though she wont admit it (as well as me)...