My GF broke up with me...is this a test of true love?

[stillthere]

does it also count when she is with someone else... (some of you know my situation already)

 

we didn't talk for almost 4 weeks and last sunday she called me and we talked for about 2 hours....i emailed her on monday and left her a voice mail she called me back and we talked only for lik 5 min... i didn't show that i am really missing her..she asked me what am i gonig to do today i said i am gonig to the beach but didn't ask her to go with me... she also asked me that night about my love situation and i tolled her that i am dating someone but she is not my girlfriend...i liyed to her just to change the situation a bit...she tolled me that she is still thinking about me and she went to sturbucks to my ex work place in the hope to see me and all that stuff.....now i am not going to call her 'till she calles me.... i think she will call me but i'll try to keep away from her just to let her see that i can live without her and that i don't care that she is "happy" in that new rs...

 

but she also tolled me she doesn't feel right...and that means she is still thinking about some sutuff and our past rs.

 

thanks for reading

 

stillthere

[ediddey]

The beginning of college I was absolutely in love with this girl, who was well out of my league. Always had a boyfriend, or some 'stud' around and I never had the courage. We became friends however, and got along really well.

 

To my surprise a tension arised between us and I could see an inkling of feelings in her eye when we saw each other. Eventually, one night we went out with friends and just couldn't keep our hands off each other. Passion overrode reason and we hooked up that night.

 

I guess it was akward at first, but we somehow fell into a relationship. We both stuck our necks out for each other when things got rough and others were down on us being together. Soon we were getting along quite wonderfully an honest and caring relationship with no real problems. After about a year or so it blossomed into true love and we were very into each other. Our friendship blossomed into one the deepest I've ever had and our love was just surreal.

 

At the end of school she took a job on a cruise ship that took her away for 6 months. We decided to stay together and give it a shot unable to shake these amazing feelings or relationship that we had. It was hard at times, but our relationship never changed, still feeling our hearts skip a beat with calls and emails from each other and fun laughing conversations.

 

She has since returned for a two month break before her next route takes her to Europe for 3 months. She mentioned seeing other people but came to see me and it was same as always. When she left she told me that we would see each other again, and called me begging me to come see her or travel with her within two weeks.

 

While planning the trip she began to feel uncomfortable, giving off 'guilty' vibes to me as though she knew she was going to hurt me. She would ask me "is this OK though? With what's going to happen with us?" I said, of course it was, if we loved each other and wanted to be together we should. Her replies were always "I want to see other people" and I would always say "yea, I know".

 

I told her to think about it. A week later we were on the phone and again she is asking me "when are we flying? where are we going?". I told her that I gave her time to think about us, and that I wanted to know what was going on. I told her that I wasn't a doormat and that if her "seeing" other people wasn't as innocent as she made it to be then we needed to end it. I told her I was OK with the situation, but we needed to talk it through and see what would work.

 

I forced her into telling me if I was "the one for her" (you figure after 2 1/2 years she would know) and if she was going to hurt me or not. She said that maybe we shouldn't see each other. The whole time, she is crying and telling me she loves me and how wonderful we are together, but this???

 

I haven't called her, its been nearly 2 weeks that I haven't spoken to my best friend (her) about it. I feel as though, I shouldn't call. I initiated the conversation, but she ended it. I think she needs some time and space anyway.

 

I totally love this girl. We saw each other when she was gone, I took a cruise on the ship. I even flew down there and showed up to surprise her on Valentine's Day even though I knew that she only would have 6 hours to spend with me. We've sent each other packages and cards, the point being, was that even when we WERE apart, it still felt like true love.

 

The days without her have passed hurtfully and slow. What should I say to her when she calls??? I will not beg her to take me back, I can't tell her that I care about her (she has to know), but I want things to work out. Was the last two years really B.S?? I have never had a woman like this before, and I have definitely not been in a dilemma like this before. 2 1/2 years do not pass like a fleeting moment, and I feel that 'closure' is still needed.

 

She leaves for Europe on the first of March. What do I say when she calls??? (that is if she does) How can I stand my ground but still try and make this work???

 

Confused and hurt.

[vroom]

hi,

i am going through the same thing at the moment, and after reading all these replys i feel awful, cause i have tried to show her that i wanted her back and now i realize that may have been a mistake. I don't want to go into it, but i truly believe she still loves me and she is backing away because she has had some major issues in her past. But i think now i may have messed my chances up because i really tried to let her know how much i missed her etc. Is there still a chance?? Obviously now, i know i should just let her have her time but i hope its not too late.

[chocos]

don't worry, i think it would not be too late.. Just let it take some time.. Like the saying goes " time will heal all wounds"

[el burro]

wow, I can't thank you enough for the good advice given by Brick.

 

Thanks...

[reborn]

Wow, I am amazed at the great amount of responses your email has gotten. I must add that I am also going through something similar. We broke up, he felt too preassured in his life and I was going through problems too, I get very anxious when I am preassured. Preety much I became one more of his problems. So something went "click" when he had to choose between hanging out with me and doing his things. I also feel like a very wise women that replied to you, that when they do this is because they don´t comunicate with you what they really feel for a while. This is not really fair to you. But somehow I guess if they don´t feel confortable talking one must have something to do with because a relationship is about 2 people. I´ve doing a lot of reading regarding psycology and really trying to gain some lessons out of this. In the case of my boyfriend I can tell you that he has fears of being "entrapped" due to childhood traumas. It sounds like some Freudian crap, but I guess we all have conditioning from the past and reactions that make whatever we dealing in the present much, much worst. This happens a lot in relationships because this person becomes very emotionally close to us, like our main emotional link.

 

In any case, 2 months after the break up he contacted me again as friends. We met on sat for lunch and hung out the whole day (on his initiative) then on sunday he helped me move, then jumped in my arms and told me he loved me and missed me, etc. and that it was all an error. Then I started speaking relationship issue again and he closed off. We met by accident 2 days later and the conversation ended that he loved me as a daughter, didn´t feel it right anymore for us to be fisically afectionate, because we were no longer together and he didn´t want to hurt me. That I wanted to fall in love but he didn´t. And not to wait for him, and that he saw no posibilities of us ever being together again in the future. He even mentiioned he doesn´t even believe in love anymore. YOu can imagine how this has made me feel. Before he broke it off I didn´t know this was coming. Then it is like an alien with alien feelings took over my boyfriend.

 

I want to call him so bad, I want to make him reason. I even spoke to a psycologist and he explained how people could change like this I will copy past it at the end in case it helps you or anyone else going through this situation understand. I don´t know if he ever loved me or he still does but its hidden.

all I know is that I wish I could get this feeling out of my heart and I don´t know how. This is the only problem it seems. He doesn´t feel he loves me, so my being in love is the only problem. But I want to call him and tell him what the psycologist told me and let him see that I am willing to give him all the space he needs now, but I feel like I have no chance whatssoever. He doesn´t want nothing to do with me it seems. I feel totally pathetic even for caring or wanting to go back with someone like this. But I feel like it was my fault, or that if I acted differently I would have prevented it, if I was less anxious, etc. but no. Also the heart has a live of its own. I miss him so. I hate him. I love him. I want to forget him with all my might and then I want him back with all my might. I think he is inmature and undesive, and then I think he is my victim and a person that I was so happy with. If I could just make him see. And then I want to make up weird stories to see him, like I am leaving the country, and write him a letter saying everything, kind of calm and mature. But then I guess the right thing is just to shut up, to let him be, to let him go. The thing is I think he is so convinced I don´t think he will ever realize nothing, cuase like your girl he seems really sure of his decision. At the end I feel that this part of him that is so sure will win out over whatever confused feelings he has leftover, after all with time and distance, that he has imposed. What can I do? How you forget a person is with time and distance, is´n´t it?

 

I feel really this is a catch 22. Playing it cool might be an option if they contact again. if they contact you again comunication regardling the relationship most likely is something there are closed off to. Maybe the right thing to do is just to really go on with your life and not just to show them, but for you. But if you love someone, you never really do move on do you? YOu just make believe to see if they come back, because if you really do move on you really don´t want them back anyway. So, it is all very confusing.

I struggle everyday with what the hell to do. And end up doing nothing. It has taken me 2 weeks to finally accept he doesn´t love me. I can´t accept it really but after lots of miserable hours, gruelling pain and horribly intense and painfull feelings at least my mind begings to somewhat digest the idea. One thing i didn´t metion, he even resented me for the weekend post breakup we spent together and for walking me that night when we met by accident. The weekend he totally enjoyed himslef, and that night he decided to walk me so I didn´t do it alone, but he was going jogging when I met. He says that I am so charismatic that i "pull him in" and made me feel that this totally disturbs this new schedule to do things that he has set up since our breakup. That is one horrible, painful thing to know. This is what I remind my self off to realize he doesn´t love me. So, there you have it. Another tortoured soul. Good luck. Here goes what the psy said, hope it sheds some light in this dark hours, though not much solution unfortunately, because it is all in their hands:

2.If he loved me, could it have morphed into a feeling of deep caring for a friend mixed with attraction in a split second as a self defense mechanism? Please answer me this. Can love just be aborted?

 

 

Love is not aborted. A wall gets built in front of it. All walls ultimately are built because of fear. The wall hides the love. Overwhelm starts the fear, then comes the switch. He becomes like a different person, having different feelings -- because he, himself, is not whole. There are different parts that come to dominate his consciousness and the way he sees and feels the world, and specifically, you.

 

 

 

 

3.Are there different degrees of romantic love or is it something like a pregnancy, either it is there or isn´t?.

 

 

Romantic love -- different degress, different contexts, shifts, nuances, and, in the end -- romantic love is just one sector of a lot of other levels and layers of love that intermix in a soulmate partnership. Those who are true romantics and depend on the intense juice of romantic love will be like don Juan -- forever tormented to have to go find the next intense startup period. This is a young soul's perspective. With time and enough heartbreak, more wisdom emerges. Hopefully.

 

6. Finally if the timing is wrong from the beginning, can you put the feeling of love on hold or take it back because you need to concentrate on your career or does that mean you never loved the person in the first place?

 

 

Nothing is put on hold. Changing course to concentrate on career is a personal choice. It does not mean love was not there in the first place. The unhappy truth is that love is often there in the first place, and we, as humans, simply do not yet have the skills to get past the first big test.

 

 

The price we have to pay to get into lasting love is committing to our own personal growth, first priority. People, especially romantics, would prefer the fantasy that there is a soulmate out there who will save us from having to do that personal growth inside ourselves. That is a fantasy that -- all by itself -- kills our chances for a real-world lasting relationship -- as an ordinary human -- with another ordinary human.

[gutrot]

This is the exact same situation that I'm in. We're seeing other people, and she just wants to be friends right now. I told her how tortured I am over this, and she needs to make a decision: me or other people. Unfortunately, then, I tell her to let me go and tell me it's over. She says that it's not over, but she can't make any promises. I hate the fact that she won't even think of me romantically/sexually, but she can think of random people that way.

[mk]

I know.....giving her space is good, but I want to build a good relationship then how can I give her space. Should I listen to her phone calls? Create distance will it make her interests back?

 

Any good advices?