I just wanted to be loved...that's all.

[itdoesntmatternemore]

I am 31 years old and I just don't want to be here anymore. Ever since I can remember I have been praying to die. I have been abused in every possible way by the people that were supposed to love me the most. Now that I am married I thought that I could put all of that behind me. My husband treats me badly. He hits me the way my father did. Choking me around my neck slamming my head up against walls. He verbally abuses me to. He cheated on me and he acts like he is very proud of it. He told me that he knows he can do it again and I will never leave him. He and the women he cheated on me with are still in contact. They call me and laugh at me because I am hurt and he says so what get over it. He also tells me daily that he does not want to be with me he wants a divorce. He has the resouces to get one but wont. I am believing that he says this to hurt my feelings. I really dont want to get divorced because I love him. Maybe I am stupid. I don't trust him or anyone else, because when I do people always end up using me and treating me badly. I am a good person with a good heart and I always treat people with respect and love. I just wish someone could love me. That's all I ever wanted was someone to love me. Love me not for what they can get from me or what I can do for them. I have some many times put people ahead of my own needs only to have them spit in my face. Maybe God does not want me or want me either that is why he hasn't answered my prayer. I was a little girl praying for him to take me away and he never did. He made me go through all that pain and now I am hurting again. I would be lying if I told you that I have not attempted suicide. I am thiunking about it right now. I am tired of people using me and yelling at me and treating me as if I have no feelings. My husband said that he has better things to do than worry about my stupid little feelings. Maybe my father was right..I was never gonna amount to anything. I should just end it myself and make everyone happier.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Sweety, You don't need to put up with anyone abusing you in any way. I know where you are coming from, Although i'm still young my life hasn't been perfect either and like you, I have attempted suicide but now that i'm still here I look back and I realize.. Maybe that's a sign that i'm meant to be here for some reason. I'm not going to lie still to this day sometimes I lay in bed and just wish I would die and think I would be better off. My father isn't as abusive as you say yours was but he was still verbally, always telling me I will never amount to anything, nobody would want me because i'm stupid and all that BS... But now I think about it and I realize he is only doing that because he, himself is low and he only wants to make people feel as low as he does. Nobody deserves to be put through that stuff. Just recently I went through a spell that you are going through now.. Feeling as if no-one cares and just wanting to die so bad, I would cut my wrists and legs in hopes that one day I would slip up and die.. But .. Nothing.. and I believe there is a reason. There is people who care, I can guarantee everyone on this site cares about you and will be here for you. If you ever need to talk please.. email me at email removed.. and Dont do anything stupid there is people who will love you and will listen to you, I know it's easier said then done but you need to get away from all the people who hurts you and you will always be able to find atleast one person who cares and loves you as a person. Just keep that in mind. And I will say once again if you EVER need to talk to someone please email me! I wish the best for you.

 

-Mythical Suicide-

[ForAnother]

I can't say much myself, I am only 17. I have attempted suicide as well. I have a small case of depression. I don't really have an answer. I am not going to tell you to not do it. I am simply going to say that I am so sad to hear someone's life can lead them to where you are. I wish there was something I could do to help. I have seen too many people hurt. Especially when a lady gets hurt, guys just need some respect. I am really sad to hear all of this, but I want you to know there is something good out there. We just have to find those little good little details and grab them and consume them.

 

I have a verbally abusive mother, and I get to the point where I want to commit suicide, and I can't even begin to imagine how hard you have it. Its hard to trust, and when people betray you, it feels like the end of the world. Picking ourselves back up just doesn't sem possible. But there is where the two paths diverge. Pick yourself up? or stay down and out? I guess you have that power in your hands. I wish you the best, choose what makes you happiest. I wish I could do something. I am sorry.

 

I have lost it today,

this passion,

this hate,

to betray

you all.

 

~ForAnother

[Brneyegirll]

You need to get out of this relationship! You do not deserve to be treated this way. Do you have family you can turn to??

[Mar]

Okay, your abuse over the years has definitely done some damage to the way you see yourself. SORT OF. You yourself are able to say that you're a good person with a good heart-why would you possibly want to stay in this relationship? You're wasting all your attention and affections on this cruel, evil man who doesn't deserve that sweetness, yet you love him. What exactly is it you love? The stability of a home? You can get that elsewhere, alone, where you can live freely and without fear.

 

There is NO reason for you to stay in that house with that man. Every day that you do only reinforces your own feelings of desperation, and you HAVE THE OPTION TO LEAVE. You can be your own person, putting your needs first, and living just for you and those you choose to let into your life. Why would you give up that freedom for this man who apparently is doing his best to drive you away?

 

I can't see how you can love this man-is it because he provides for you? And what is he taking away from you as he's providing? I can think of several things. You don't need anything he has to offer. You can get help from friends, family, outside resources, and get out from under his thumb. Every day that you stay is another day you're giving up the chance at finding someone who truly DOES love you, and who you can love back without fear. Why aren't you leaping at that chance? Or even being alone-when I finally got my own place, after years of roommates and such, I was scared to be alone. But I quickly came to cherish that time alone, and to know that it was MY house, and I could pick and choose the people who came to see me, or not see anyone at all if I didn't wish to. Privacy is VERY important, and a great chance to rebuild yourself and heal over the abuse you've taken and taken.

 

I truly hope and pray that you see the damage this is doing (and I know you do, or you wouldn't have asked for help) and see how much healthier you would be away from this man. He's cruel, dominating, selfish.....I have other words, but I think you know them. There is NO need for you to stay there and deny yourself happiness every day. Make this break for yourself, and see what you can get out of life that you've been missing. Don't throw in the towel and think this is all there will ever be, because it will only be that way if you LET it. I sincerely hope you can do this, and please let us know how you're doing, we're always here for you.

 

 

Mar

[VickiRose]

Hey Girl,

You have been through a lot... I can understand were your coming from, I too had my fair share of abuse... You need to get out of that situation... I know that it's not the easiest thing to do, but you have to be strong... Think of it this way if you seen a small child getting abused or bullied in some way... Wouldn't you want to take that child out of harms way and keep it safe? Now think of yourself as that child, and get out of that situation NOW! The only person that can put an end to this is you!!! Did you ever see the movie Enough, with J-LO??? It's a good example of getting out of that type of situation... My advice to you is to go to a womens shelter, theres a support group there of women who have been in similiar situations, they can help you get back on your feet... Living with abuse is a horrible way to live... You can't change the past, but what you do is change the present... Be strong... Love yourself...

VickiRose