DaynaMichele Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I posted the other day on the "relationship conflicts" board, but I guess the * * * * hadn't even really hit the fan yet. I have been dating a guy for almost six months who I have known for two years (we were good friends up until six months ago). After we started dating, he became increasingly clingy and insecure, interrogating me about past relationships, needing to be with me constantly, and acting extremely needy. He has been the girl in our relationship, forcing me to act as the guy. While I love him very much, this has completely turned me off and the attraction gradually eroded. We have been hanging out every day and he knows I love him, but he noted me acting distant, and is upset that we haven't had sex for several weeks (I'm sorry, but he acts like a girl. I can't get turned on by that). I decided to have a very blunt talk with him, but before I could, he came to my house telling me he had to confess something. Yesterday he said his female roommate tried to kiss him. He claims he said no at first, but then she tried again and they made out. He says she wanted to have sex but he decline, saying he loved me too much. The day after it happened he did not tell me about it, but I should've known (he was acting nervous, brought me a random bouquet of flowers, and insisted upon carrying my purse which was empty and not heavy at all). Upon hearing this I dumped him. I'm sorry, but infidelity is not something I take lightly. I have never cheated, never would, and it is what broke my parents' marriage up. I have been cheated on in the past, too, by someone else. I am very upset because I have no idea what to do. He came over here crying like I have never seen someone cry. I do love him, but I have lost trust for him in addition to the other issues. He is begging for me to take him back. I told him I can't do that right now, but that I won't rule it out in the future. I also said I can't have any contact with him until he moves out of the house where he lives with the girl who he cheated with. Do you think I should take him back? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Nope. He told you about the kiss to manipulate you, and he got more drama than he bargained for. I'd let him live with that and learn from it. You deserve someone who's invested in you enough to drop the messy kid games. In your corner. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Nope...never take him back!...oh boo hoo...tell the wimpy crybaby to take a hike. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I can understand why you want nothing to do with him as long as he's living with her as a roommate. But, is that really the solution here? What if he's in another situation with a female that tempts him? Can you ever trust him again, or would you always have to be looking over your shoulder, and have to police him? I would think long and hard about this... Just my opinion. All the best... Link to comment
DaynaMichele Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Thank you both. Funny...even his own parents and sister are saying I shouldn't take him back. Link to comment
Salicia Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 If you can't stand the way he acted towards you before, why would you think that you can stand him in the future if he acted the same way that got on your nerves in the first place? With that being said, don't take him back. It would just harbor your negative feelings towards him again. Link to comment
abouttime Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 You don't respect him. Don't take him back. But I also think you can't be friends either. Link to comment
DaynaMichele Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 You don't respect him. Don't take him back. But I also think you can't be friends either. Can I ask why you think it's best that we don't stay friends? Link to comment
DN Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 You deny him sex for weeks at a time and are then angry because he kissed someone else but did manage to decline actual sex. There are definitely two sides to this story. Link to comment
DaynaMichele Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 You deny him sex for weeks at a time and are then angry because he kissed someone else but did manage to decline actual sex. There are definitely two sides to this story. If someone was talking to you in baby talk, acting horrendously needy, and refusing to give you space (not to mention talking about marriage incessantly, after five months of dating), would YOU be turned on? I wanted to be attracted to him again before I jumped in the sack with him. Link to comment
Rabican Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Nope. He told you about the kiss to manipulate you, and he got more drama than he bargained for. I'd let him live with that and learn from it. You deserve someone who's invested in you enough to drop the messy kid games. In your corner. Im not saying she should take him back.... but how do you figure he told her about the kiss just to manipulate her? That seems to me to be a very strange way to try and manipulate someone... cheat on them (then pray to god they dont break up with you) doesnt really make sense. Link to comment
DaynaMichele Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Im not saying she should take him back.... but how do you figure he told her about the kiss just to manipulate her? That seems to me to be a very strange way to try and manipulate someone... cheat on them (then pray to god they dont break up with you) doesnt really make sense. He may have been hoping it would incite jealousy in me. I don't know. He has a good heart and I know he didn't plan this, but part of me thinks he was trying to get my attention. Link to comment
Rabican Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 If someone was talking to you in baby talk, acting horrendously needy, and refusing to give you space (not to mention talking about marriage incessantly, after five months of dating), would YOU be turned on? I wanted to be attracted to him again before I jumped in the sack with him. Let me guess: You're male, and sexually frustrated. All of what you said is downright pathetic behavior on his part. However, a relationship does take two people to make it work and you didnt do a very good job of communicating. A simple 2 minute conversation of look, the baby talk, the clingyness is a turn off to me... I love you but you need to act a little more brutish. Link to comment
DaynaMichele Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Yes, I should have been more up-front. I was so scared to hurt him...he cries pretty easily and tends to take criticism VERY hard. For weeks I have been trying to find a tactful but effective way of telling him what he's doing. He beat me to the punch by cheating. Hm. Link to comment
DaynaMichele Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Thank you to those who offered serious, considerate replies. I just talked to my boyfriend, who ADMITS he has been acting smothering and child-like, and we are going to work it out. I am never posting on this board again. Link to comment
Rabican Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 Yes, I should have been more up-front. I was so scared to hurt him...he cries pretty easily and tends to take criticism VERY hard. For weeks I have been trying to find a tactful but effective way of telling him what he's doing. He beat me to the punch by cheating. Hm. I dunno if you are gonna stay with him or what... but for future occasions just be blunt. He needs to man up, and the only way thats gonna happen is to face life, and its realities and its problems, and conflicts like a man... head on. He WILL learn from them, I know I did. I was doing a pretty good job of a nice guy door mat a few years back. Ive gone 180 degrees from that mentality now. I learned. Granted... I wasnt crying over nonsense... but I was being way too nice in the face of some serious problems in my relationship. Tell him the crying nonsense is for little girls, not grown men. Maybe hes sensitive... then again maybe he just doesnt realize how much of a wuss he looks like. Link to comment
DaynaMichele Posted February 21, 2009 Author Share Posted February 21, 2009 Okay, I have an update, and I'm posting it solely for the purpose of lending insight to people who may be in a similar sitch. My boyfriend and I have had a major revelation as a result of this. When we met, he was one person, and after we started dating, he became another. He was afraid. He was moving to a city he hates because he wanted to be near me, and he was afraid I was going to leave him when it was all said and done. Because of the fear, he became clingy. Insecure. Child-like. I had no idea why. I pulled away. I was too afraid to hurt him to actually tell him he was turning me off, so I repressed it, and ended up hurting him more. I was cold, distant, and moody. I didn't notice how I was being because it was so gradual, but he came to the conclusion in his mind that I no longer loved him. He thought I was out of love with him, and he was devastated. So when this horrible, relationship-wrecking girl paid the attention to him that I had failed to provide, he kissed her back. And in doing so, he realized he still loved me, and he told me about it. He knew I'd probably dump him, but he told me. At first I ended it. I felt like I hated him. I can't express how I felt. And then I thought about it. Yeah, this sucks. No, there was no excuse for what he did. But I had set the stage for this. I hadn't realized that he thought I no longer loved him. I had failed to communicate, alienated him, and hurt him. He didn't seek out another woman, but he stepped into an opportunity. He was wrong, but so was I. Moral of the story: In my opinion, cheaters are usually soulless douchebags who should be promptly dumped and never taken back. HOWEVER, there are exceptions to every rule, and rarely is a situation black and white. TALK about things. Silence hurts relationships more than any brutal honesty, and secrets will eat you from the inside out. And when all is said and done, love for another person should overcome any fear and pride issues. see ya. Link to comment
Rabican Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 If I had to bet money on it, Id say you guys got a good shot at making it work. Sounds like you figured out where you both went wrong, and neither of you are really trying to lay blame on the other, but understanding you each messed up. Good luck to ya. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 I dont want to speak out of turn here but why are you that bothered, it sounds like you dont really like the guy that much anyway. Link to comment
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