I will consider myself a phoenix rising up from the ash..........

[indierockgrl]

This is my first entry of my SOLO journal. I have been inspired by someone with the name of DAG to start spilling the beans inside my ever so dried out and sober brain. This week i have been 90 days clean and sober. This week, 3 months ago, the reason for my new beginning, died suddenly of an opiate overdose. I know that my time was here. To make a new start and clean up my * * * * after all the mess and destruction i had left behind. I mean, im not getting any younger and my life isnt getting any longer. Its time to start over and really learn how to live again. I miss my friend, His name was Ken. This guy walked into my life, a total NERD, that is what he considered himself and very proud to say. On the outside you look at this boy, all square with glasses, his little suit and tie and receeding hairline. Physically he was an average looking scholar with serious eyes and a very calming way about him. But once he opened his mouth.....one liners was he. I am such a huge fan of the one liners....I have my own arsenal of them. Im telling you, if a man can match me one liner for one liner... damn it must be fate. I have always fancied a mans personality and ability to make me laugh more than how good he looks in my imagination NAKED. Looks are so superficial. Its all about the heart. Needless to say, after some beers and some laughs, we were ready to go..... We were pretty much on from that moment on. I didnt realize how serious he was into the drugs, until some beer and some chit chat, and then out comes his handy dandy drug case. He shot up in front of me that night. We had only known each other a matter of weeks. He had no fear. I was speechless. This boy who was 2 pens shy from a pocket protector did heroin like he had known nothing else. And he had no problem with pushing up my sleeve and trying to put what was left into me. I didnt want to go out like that. Its a good thing the needle was empty. I think we that we were so connected from jumpstreet because we were both lost souls. We both had so much to live for yet so ready to end it all with the snorting of a substance. I had been an addict for over 10 years.... But this was different, this was the beginning of the end, for both of us...........

[indierockgrl]

Tomorrow is the 3 month anniversary.......

 

I am a complete emotional mess. Its been 3 months since he died. 3 months today that i last saw him and told him how he needed to rid all the negative in his life. 3 months ago he told me he felt like his life is cursed. I look back and i cant believe it was going to be the last time i had ever saw him. I would have hugged him tighter. I would have insisted we spent that night together. Its weird but the day, that day, he didnt come to work, i KNEW it was because he was dead. He always called me if he had car trouble or if he was running late. He didnt call. And i knew it was over. I am having a problem accepting his death. I am so sad, i just think about him. I just think about his voice and his smile. I think about what we did together and the time we spent. My heart is broken. I miss him so much. I have been clean for 3 months. 90 days and i havent had a drink or a smoke.....nothing. That is what i have done for him and for myself.....i have taken the vow to never use again. I know that if i do, it will be certain death for me. I did this, so his death is not in vain. I am trying to keep in contact with his circle of friends. I want to keep that part of my life alive, keep that little part of him going.....his friend, one of his boys that helped him get high, helped me get high time and time again, called me the other night, knows im in treatment, invited me out to lunch on saturday....I am a little leary about this, i dont want him to get the wrong idea. I feel like im not being true to Ken by going to lunch with DG. I am all sorts of confused. I want to keep in touch, but i dont know if im ready for face to face..... i dont know what to do....I am really conflicted.

[indierockgrl]

Today i learned a valuable lesson, keep your friends close and your enemies far away...

So apart from my grieving....my life is a friggin soap opera. I went for this promotion at work..... not sure if i can handle what would be on my plate, i mean 3 months in recovery and grieving over one of the most closest people in my life, and now a promotion to be someones right hand. I have been doing this job for 3 years, and i am bored. tired and bored. Truly. So after all my interviews, tests and flip flopping, "do i want this job" "is this really what i want my life to be" blah blah blah, i dont get the promotion. My boss thinks i have enough on my plate right now, which i totally agree. I can sometimes barely make it through my day without busting into tears....grief doesnt give a crap where you are, it just overtakes and you have to succumb. BUT, silver lining is that my boss recognizes how good i scored on my tests and offers me a promotion within my current position. I go from a 1 to a 2 and i get a 10% pay increase. I am so happy. and grateful.....I have been through hell in 08. It couldnt have gotten worse than what i had that year. So to know that my boss recognizes me is so appreciated, especially since i think im the biggest eff up, yes, you can see i have serious self loathing issues. Well, i confide in this one particular woman at work. This person is probably one of the most bitter individuals i have ever seen. She will lie to you, she will talk so much crap, and she hates on you at every turn.... So you are probably wondering why the hell i would even talk to her? Because i am one of those people whos heart is too big that i let it get the better of me....She went behind my back, told the other girl that went to interview for the promotion, who in turn got pissed she didnt get a raise, went to my supervisor and * * * * * ed at her... and now the whole effen department knows i got the raise, my supervisor tells me she is disappointed in me and now i may not get my promotion..... I friggin love my "high school drama queen" coworkers.....

 

God i love my job.....

[indierockgrl]

TODAY I BATTLE MYSELF.....THE MOST.

 

Well i survived 3 months without my friend. To have his anniversary fall on valentines day.... that sucked. But it is what it is. I am hoping that soon i will stop counting the months, days....that he has been gone. His absense has been such a huge void i can never fill. I cant believe, still that he is GONE. It is so permanent. It is so painful. I made the decision to become a sober person when he died. I figured since he couldnt do it for himself, i would do it for us. Today i have become so bitter about having to submit myself to everyone but me. I have to have random drug tests to keep my job, i have to have random drug tests to stay in my treatment programs. I have to go to AA because it is required of me to go to at least two of them. Do i have any control over anything that i do??? I feel like i dont. I dont like AA. I live my entire life around my sobriety and to have to go to more meetings. I want to puke. I know that there are people that get great benefit out of these meetings... Hey to each is own, but for me, i have found great comfort in my boys, in my friends, in my dog and in my reading and writing. AA now??? Ehhhh.... Today is one of those days that i want to run away from everyone. Throw up my middle finger and say "to hell to all of you". WOW, i am bitter. i have never felt better then i do today because i am sober, clean.... but i am so tired of talking about it all the time. Ken should be going through this with me and he isnt. He isnt alive anymore. I battle myself. I get tired of being this new person, but i would never go back to the old me. This job is only keeping a roof over my head but I dont want to do this the rest of my life. I really want to disappear.

[indierockgrl]

What a difference a day makes....

 

Yesterday i carried on like a mad woman..... I guess when i have too much emotion that happens. I havent figured out how to handle all that i am going through right now.... it makes me crazy sometimes.....But today is another day... i am blessed because i am still here. I am able to realize when i act crazy and i am grateful to have another chance to make my life right. I feel good today. I am not feeling grief as intensely as i normally do so maybe god is giving my mind a break. I have decided to hang out with Ken's friend, before he leaves for a couple months. It will be weird because i am now a sober person and we were always wasted or getting wasted when i would see him. But we are meeting at a restaurant and if it gets too much i will leave. I still want to keep that connection. In my eyes its a part of Ken's life i am trying to keep alive. Plus, he was always sweet to me. Why not..... as long as his intentions are good. Im not the P.O.A before he takes off for a couple months. That is a door that i dont want to open ever.

 

I suppose we shall see what happens. one day at a time. that is how i have to live.

 

I am realizing as i start my journey, to a new person, a sober person, it has been pretty lonely. I have burnt alot of bridges and lost alot of friends. I am now realizing, alone, the ramifications of my disease. I am sure that is where AA would come in..... i could probably meet like minded people there, i just need time. Im not counting it out, i just need time to get some balls, put my ego aside and do it. For now, its me, Pilot Fugazi my bull terrier, and lots and lots of reality television...

 

oh the sweet life........ how lucky i am.

[indierockgrl]

Land of Confusion

 

I have been full of thoughts lately. I go back and forth on what i want. I dont think at this point in my life, my recovery, i have room to give anyone 100% of myself. I cant even really think about being with anyone else. I am scared to death to be close to anyone for fear of losing them. I guess i should get over this grief before i even consider anything. Although they always tell people in recovery not to take on anything new the first year in. I get that. I can see how people relapse over heartbreak. I think that i could have gone off the deep end when Ken died. But instead i thought that turning it into something positive, was the best thing for me.

 

I am doing pretty well with it.... lets see, wow, 90 days to the day on saturday. i am proud of myself. first time in my adult life. This summer i have high hopes for my life. I am hoping to gain a social life again, and i plan to go to as many shows as i can. Kings of Leon are coming, i have to get tickets. Music is my life, i love shows.... i will submerse myself into that scene and hopefully have the time of my life..... Dag said that grief is the love you had for the person, now that they are gone, it has no where else to go. God, that makes all the sense in the world..... I didnt realize how strong my feelings were until he was gone.... now i just have to give my heart the time to heal. I cant do anything but that. I am going through major life changes right now. I am allowed to feel this way,. right??????

[indierockgrl]

Today....

 

I woke up, getting ready for work i text DG, Ken's friend. Low and behold he was awake, but very messed up. I assume he was on a bender, seems like that is his life for the most part. He scared me with what he said. He told me he couldnt figure out the difference between real and fake. "what is real"? He just couldnt get it together. There have been so many days for me like that. So many memories i have of being so wasted out of my head that i didnt know what reality was.....and wasnt. He told me he was lost. Being an addict i know that so well... For 10 years solid i was lost. I am supposed to meet him tonight. I told him if he was strung out not to bother. I dont want to hang out with him like that. Sans substances if he can muster. I am hoping that dude is sleeping it off. OUR boy died from that * * * * and i lost someone i was hoping was going to be my future. My nurturing heart wants to reach out to this guy. The addict in me is scared with what he will come with. The best thing for me to do, is stay at the restaurant, eat my dinner, and go home to bed. Work comes early and is unforgiving. I hope this boy can get himself together.... enough so i can paint a picture into his brain..... maybe help him find himself just a little. even keep a little piece of my Ken George alive. always on my mind....KGZ.

[indierockgrl]

I wonder if some people arent wired for change

 

So DG flaked on me last night. I got ready, worked myself up to being content with the fact that i would be going to a bar, to order my pepsi, to see his face again, sober, without Ken by my side. The fact that he was on yet again another bender, it seems that he fell out and fell out hard. It was ok to the fact that this isnt a romantic interest for me. I could never be involved with an addict. NEVER. and i have resolved to having no patience for the addicts frame of time. I decided at 8:00pm i hadnt heard from him and if i did i was going to tell him to just forget it, that i was going to order some take out and watch my TV until i fell asleep, which turned out to be pretty ok. I love to be alone, to sleep and just think, i am comfortable alone. I never thought i could be. My how times have changed. My how the inmature become mature. I got a text this morning at 6am, Here he is... "Sorry i fell out"... Duh, like i didnt see that coming. I had to deal with that with Ken. He was there, then he would disappear. I was worried about him all the time. It was pretty weird the day he didnt show for work, i knew he was gone..... i just knew it. I promise no man, no romantic interest, will put me through that... ever again. I just have no patience.....I may have no life right now, but im not desperate for a friend. Not someone who doesnt think highly enough of themself to put down the pipe long enough to consider who they are hurting in the long run..... ahhhh... on to the weekend and what wonderful things shall present themselves........ ciao

 

FOR THE RECORD...... I never went out with DG, he couldnt get it together and disappeared again. I am glad, i dont need to be around addict right now.... Later days DG.

[indierockgrl]

Blah......

 

I feel like im just exsisting today. I had a great weekend. I got alot done in my apartment, got some art done and put on the walls.... trying to make it as comfortable as i can. I grow tired of the prison white walls and need to add color before i go crazy. It has kept me busy and my mind active, that way im not thinking about buying a bottle of wine, like i used too. Work this week has already proven to be really annoying. I despise the fact that i get up, go in, rat race, rat race..... deal with the mentally unwell public and paint the phoniest happy face on i can. I have struggled awhile with my contentment with my job. Its not going to be a career. I know this. But i know im burnt out, sober and burnt out..... and i dont know how much longer i can jump through hoops for a job that i am not passionate about, and a job that i dont care about at all.

I cant stand all the false people that i deal with....and i dont only mean patients.... i mean people that have the knives ready to stab you the minute you turn around. PUKE PUKE.... i fancy myself to be a very "real, take me as i am, no fronts here" kind of girl.. It is what it is with me. My heart is too big and i kind of tell it like it is, without offense of course. I feel like im wasting myself. I have 2 areas of discontent in my life right now. My job, and the fact that i live in a city that has made me so bitter at life. My family lives in Hawaii and im stuck in the armpit state. The land of lazy and grey skies. I figure i am just doing time here.....like a prison sentence....but because my surroundings suck it makes me very unhappy........I want to snap out of this..... i need to find something good to think about, until 5 pm comes, then i will be free.....

 

Trials and Tribulations..... Really?

 

I had a dream about Ken last night. I woke up in the middle of it, it was so real i had to remind myself that he is dead. I miss him

[indierockgrl]

SHOUT OUT.....

 

To a boy who has inspired me to let the world in my head and read all my thoughts.... i have to say, i first came to ENA, after my friend passed away. I stumbled upon this website and i havent left it since. Your story was the first one i read. I dont know if it was because your picture was posted and i felt some weird way about it. Almost a connection, twisted and weird sounding i know but it is what it is. You inspire me, i have since told you that. Your thoughts and your words intrigue me and draw me in. And your strength is incredible and only makes me want to be like you..... i hope that you know, you have impacted people with your story. I am here because of it. so close but oceans away. ciao belle! R

[indierockgrl]

TODAY is most perfect day i have ever seen...

 

I strive to be happy.........

I pray that i get through a whole 24 hours with only positive thoughts.....

I will keep in mind that there are other people that are far worse off than myself.....

I will be able to accept constructive criticism.....

I will not take important people in my life for granted....

I will learn from all of my mistakes and misfortunes.....

I will pray to my higher power for all the good i have been given and not for the things i dont have...........

I will fall in love again..........

I will laugh at myself even when i want to cry.........

 

i am realizing that i need to be more of a confident person... How does one do that.....i know that i am a strong girl... I have lived through so much.

Growing up without my mom..... getting through this death...... getting through my addictions......it sure does take a beating on the ole self esteem.... i guess that is part of the reason i got on the piss.... i miss it. sometimes i miss it.

[indierockgrl]

SHOWS.........

 

My favorite thing in the world is going to a good show. When im into a band i am IN. I go in the venue, i psych myself up, when the band comes on i feel it in my cells. I know that alot of people may look at me and think im a weirdo but music is the one thing i am truly passionate about. Before the music industry fell apart i wanted to make my career finding bands. I have been very blessed that i have seen most of the shows i have wanted to see....sure there are tons i am waiting for but i think i will list the great bands i have seen in the past few years...............

 

Travis+4, Oasis, Incubus+2, Keane,+2 Interpol+2, Revis, Longwave, Brazilian Girls, Ben Kenny, Jenny Lewis, Coldplay,Kasabian, Muse, The Roots, Jump little children, Elefant..........OMG! im drawing a blank...... i think all the pot killed my brain cells..... lol. ahhhhhh to have it be summertime, to go to a festival, to get lost in the music and the outdoors. SOBER. wow, this is going to be awhole new experience for me. when you get off the piss and pot, you see things differently....usually pot and shows go hand and hand. The music is so fresh and it seem like you can hear every instrument individually. Man, im going to miss that.

 

Hmmmm....... maybe its time for another tattoo......art any way i can get it.

[indierockgrl]

TGIF

 

I am soooo glad its friday. I have been waiting all week to be able to shut off my alarm and not have to be up at a certain time. Its going to be nice waking up to Pilot Fugazi and cuddling the morning away. This week has been trying for me. CRAZAZY!!!! This sunday, march 1st would have been Ken's 39th birthday. Me and our friend, Don are going to have lunch. Ken and myself were/are very close to Don. We used to hang with him alot when he was alive, it was very ironic that we decided to have lunch on his birthday. We didnt even realize it until we found out the date was the first. I feel like our plans were orchestrated from the heavens. I know that Ken used to confide in Don quite a bit. There are some things i desperately need closure with. Like why Ken never told me he was legally married at the time of his death. I found out from his obituary. That was such a blow. I know they lived separate lives, but he never mentioned any marriage. I feel like maybe i didnt know him like i thought i did. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship when i hooked up with him.. My life was an open book. I dont have secrets....um... well i guess we all do in some way or another but to keep that from me was very hard to grasp. Don said he has things i need to know that will give me closure. I didnt go to Ken's funeral because of the nature of our relationship, the shock of his death, and because i couldnt bear have that be the last image of ken, the last memory. Now matter what, we never look in death the way we looked in life and i didnt want to see that image of him, every time i close my eyes. I am trying to get myself to the point that when the weather breaks, i may go out to where he is buried and say goodbye to him. Although, i talk to him everyday, he knows how i feel. Until i have this closure i will not be able to do the cemetery or anything else. I am trying to heal my broken heart. I know that right now i dont have the capacity to give anyone any part of me. I have to be selfish. It would be very unfair. I just wonder if there will come a time, i stop crying myself to sleep. I guess i have abandonment issues with Ken now. He told me he would never leave me....and then literally leaves me forever. I think i could have understood if he went back to his wife. But death..... so permanent. How could someone that cared for me like he did, leave me for the rest of my life? Hard to handle. Hard to accept. I keep my faith with god. He has a plan for me. He knew it would take something like this to walk away from my addictions. When my time comes, i will too have all the answers.

HAPPY 39TH BIRTHDAY....KGZ...... RIP. 03/01/1970-11/14/2008.

[indierockgrl]

It was hard, but i survived.....

 

Yesterday was Ken's birthday... it was cold but the sun was shining. I felt great. I went out to lunch and remembered him...... talked of him...... went home and cried myself to sleep. I am beginning to realize that i always look at the negative of a situation. Since Ken died and i have so many unanswered questions, i am secondguessing my relationship with him... I have to stop doing that. I know he cared for me. That is all that matters now. The questions will never be answered and i have to find peace with it. I want to let him go. I want to know that it is ok to move on. He isnt coming back. Its over. He changed my life, left me a gift. Determination to get clean and sober and i am doing it. im at almost 4 months of sobriety. Its time to move forward.

 

I am cleaning house. I am thinking of getting back into school and moving on from this job. I am ready to start doing things i am passionate about. I think working on my writing will be a good thing for me. I cant see myself punching a clock from 9 to 5 the rest of my life.... I am feeling like im going through a huge personal growth phase....I have zero interest in a relationship and i have no energy in dealing with anyone but myself. This is a huge change for me, but i can honestly say i like it. I am a different girl now, everyone can see the difference. I can feel it. I am blessed. I take what god has for me, and accept it with open arms.

 

Thank you for my life...........

[indierockgrl]

A somber day.....

 

My brother called from Hawaii, my uncle passed away, well he isnt my biological uncle but he has been my dads best friend since they were in elementary school. He died yesterday of cancer. Very sad. He was suffering so im glad he is at peace. I am hoping my dad is alright. I am not sure how he is taking it. It may not hit him until his funeral. OH boy.... staying positive....... trying my best anyway. I am a bit removed from that situation since i live here and they live there. I dont do well at funerals. So im glad i dont have to partake. Not now, not in this mindframe.

 

I have really been reaching out to my higher power lately. I see with sober eyes the miracle that was given to me, not only sobriety but the amazing strength he has given to me. I was always so weak, such a victim. I know that at one point in my life, had i lost someone close to me, i may have overdosed myself. I am continuing on, thankful for what i have. Trying very hard to keep progressing forward.

 

With Michael passing away i think of my "mother". I wonder what she would say if she knew. I havent spoken to her in 6 years now. I know that i cannot have her in my life. She is toxic to me and my boys. I dont understand how someone can have 2 kids, and walk right out the door and feel no way about it. My dad, at 25 was a single dad with 2 babies. He has always done right by me. Not perfect, but none of us are. I think over my lifetime i have given her so many chances to make things right. But she always left again... i guess after so many times of sitting on the curb with a suitcase waiting for someone that never comes, your realize that you cant be hurt anymore than you have. I am a grown woman now, and i choose not to let her hurt me anymore. I am better than that. I love the fact that my dad has been both mother and father. Sure he has married some crazy, abusive women in his life.... but he always put us first. I am grateful for him and i hope that he is ok at this time.........

[indierockgrl]

A remembrance

 

Today at work the building security guard brought all of our departments new ID badges. We were going through all the cards and who's do we find? My beloved, Ken. I told the security guard that had passed away..... He told me to give him the card back.... He looked at it and was absolutely shocked that he was gone. He told me that Ken was such a nice person with a nice personality. He was genuinelly touched that Ken was gone. He told me that Ken spoke to him everyday and that since he had moved here from Georgia he didnt meet people like him often. I said that i know. Ken was such a sweet soul and i missed him very much. He told me before he left that he would get me a reprint of the badge so i can keep it. I know we all look RETARDED in our work badges but i would be honored to keep Ken's. It really touched me to hear what people thought of Ken. People that may have seen him around but didnt really know him. It shows what good character he had. What a sweet soul he had. It makes me sad to think that that sweet beautiful man is gone.

 

It hurts.

[indierockgrl]

I cant seem to shake how i feel.....

 

I have been so sad lately. I can feel myself isolating. My mind is all over the place. I feel depressed and i can see that my life seems to be turning around. I cant handle the grief anymore. For a while i was doing better. It seems like i was accepting his death and i was progressing to a better place. But when i get home from work i cry myself to sleep. Ken and I only dated for a short period. a few months. But we went through alot personally, and we clung to each other almost like security blankets. I feel very lost.....I cant seem to get him out of my head. I feel like i am missing something. And how strange that i feel so connected to him still. How do i get up and move on? I want that more than anything. I want to let him go.... I just cant. My heart isnt cooperating with my brain.

Why does death have to hurt so bad. A huge part of me died. At what point does ones soul say " enough is enough" and its over with. I need to be able to be happy. I need to be able to say that its ok. Im scared. Im overwhelmed. I have lost. CAN I BE FOUND?????

[indierockgrl]

Thankful for Fridays

 

I am counting hours and minutes until i can get out of here. I am so ready to sleep, and sleep and sleep. I believe that i will have a wonderful weekend even if its laying on my couch with my bully Pilot. God i love that dog. What a gift. I cant tell you where i would be without him. He has let me cry on his shoulder more times than i can count. Today i am trying not to let the mind wander so much. I am really trying not to get down. God i feel so tired. I sleep alot and never feel refreshed. I wake up in the middle of the night, usually at 4 or so..... I just wish i could sleep all the way through. Its supposed to be warm tomorrow. I need it. Im tired of the grey and cold. YUCK!!!!

 

I am babbling about nothing in particular. I am trying not to go off the deep end. I feel like a shark... Have to keep moving to stay alive. To not think. Not be sad. Not cry.

 

Grief is crazy. Its a rollercoaster. Get him out of my head. He is dead. He isnt coming back. Let go.

 

The next two days i will focus on positive things. I will try not to dwell on what is past.

 

This experience is all new to me. I as an adult have never lost anyone close to me. My grandparents died when i was a kid. To have someone pass that was a fixture in my life, someone that was supposed to be a part of my future.... its hard to grasp. I dont know where to put these feelings now that he is gone.

 

I will take everything one day at a time and hope for the best. I know its all about time. I know i shouldnt be ashamed of my feelings. I just wish it wouldnt take so much out of me.

[indierockgrl]

Im awake

 

and i feel pretty good today. I woke up and i feel like i am completely accepting of Ken's death. I know that he is gone, and i am accepting it. I dont want to live in the past anymore. I know that grief is strange. Somedays you dont know its there. Other times the painful memories flood the mind. I have a different perspective at the moment. I am ok. I know that being 4 months sober, i know that my mind is resetting itself. I am very discontented with my life.... but i am going to figure it all out.

 

I got my promotion and my raise today. I just found out. That is a good feeling. Things seem to be turning around.....I can only pray that i will be right where god wants me to be. Its crazy... When i was out drinking and drugging..... my life was a mess. Nothing went right. toxic people flowed through my life. I was down all the time.... I really thought god didnt love me. I felt as if i was cursed.

 

Now i am clean, i am living right....and things are starting to turn around. I am a new woman. I am..... Right now i am at a point in my life, where i want to meet new people. I want to have friends. I dont want a man to date..... i just want conversation. I just want someone to talk too. I have no expectations.... and that is the best way to be.... i plan on living in the moment. that is the most important thing right now.

 

one day at a time.

[indierockgrl]

I am beginning to think that nothing lasts forever.....

 

If i think back, to the boys that i was actually in love with...... lets see, that would equal all of 3. And what may have been.... 4, but since he died, its pretty hard to put him in.... anyway, maybe i have committment issues, or maybe i am not wired for "true love" i dont know.... i just know that i can be with a guy for years.... and eventually i get real bored. I never want to get married... and since my boys are teenagers, i have no interest in having any more kids. But i always feel like i will never know what its like to "spend the rest of my life with someone". I am very much a romantic. But eventually i start shopping around. At least that is how i was in my twenties. Now that i am 34 i have no interest in a guy right now. I have come through so much the last thing on my mind is getting involved with anyone. I am a little nervous that i will bounce around for the rest of my life..... I almost think that i am going to swear off dating for the rest of my life. What is the point really?

 

soulmates schmolmates....thats what i always say........ maybe i am only meant to be friends with guys. Maybe i am not wired for it. Love that is, its a scary thought, but i am coming to accept it. i am thinking all good things come to an end.... eventually the happiness fades, and your left staring at someone you end up resenting. Somehow you have held them back or vice versa. Maybe its just better to walk away before you get hurt..... or before they leave you. * * * * , i have been left most of my life. I try not to lay roots, because it usually bites you in the ass in the end.

 

Im sorry... i have a million thoughts floating around inside my brain......i have now spewed them out for everyone to see......i hope with this writing i will be able to see the true emotions and maybe come to grips with them all...

[indierockgrl]

Peace....

 

That best describes me today.... i am peaceful.....I am feeling a bit stronger, mentally and spirtiually as the days go on. I can see how grief is like a rollercoaster.... god, i just want to get off of it. I am thankful for the people that are in my life right now. I am blessed to have met a new friend. Somehow we have just hit it off and havent stopped talking. I need that unbiased opinion in my life. Not to mention, its just nice meeting someone that doesnt live in scum city, who doesnt know me, that can get to know the real me.... without any preconcieved anything. For some reason, god brought this person to me and i am embracing the new found friendship......

 

i am going to start programming my thinking, stop "stinking thinking" ... no matter what crap i get in life, i know that i am very blessed and i cant really complain.

Im doing wonderfully in my recovery and i am pretty content. Sure i get crazy every once and a while, i get negative or i rant.... i am human.

 

But i know that i am here for a reason. I need to have more compassion.

I need to have more patience and i need to have more love for myself.....

I am so hard on myself. i need to understand that i am not perfect.... and that is ok. but i know that i have the biggest heart and i am deserving of friendship and love. i know that i am going to be ok. i am a survivor. i am a phoenix....

 

I am alive.......

[indierockgrl]

TODAY I WILL PUT MYSELF FIRST....

 

I am the kind of person that is always out to please everyone.....i have always been afraid to do what really makes me happy.....i have come to point in my life that i need to make some decisions about my future. I havent mentioned this before in any entries but it is such a huge weight on my shoulders. Before i met Ken, i was in a relationship for 8 years..... we lived together, and were everything to each other. Well as time went on we grew apart and i met Ken.... as hard as it was, i broke it off with this person and it ended in a very bad way.....with Ken's addictions being almost unbearable and then with his untimely death.... my "ex" was the one that was there for me. He was there through my rehab and he was there with my grief. Somehow, through it all we ended up falling back into old routines and old comforts. If i take a good look at myself, there is a voice in my gut, in my soul that says a relationship, being with this man again... isnt what i need at this point in my life. Its comforting. Its familiar, but it doesnt feel right. I am different. I am changing as a person. As a sober person.

 

I am afraid to let him go. I want his frienship but i know that if i end this again, he will leave. I know he will. I will break his heart again. He will hate me. I care for him dearly. But is i know it isnt healthy to stay with someone out of obligation.

 

This is the biggest thing i have to deal with. I am sooo confused and sad.

 

I am alone. What do i do?

[indierockgrl]

A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

 

I have been writing alot since my friend died. I saw my drug counselor yesterday and he asked if i could show him something i have written about Ken, so i wrote it up and let a good friend of mine read it..... she pointed out that i am really focused on why he died, and why i have been given the gift of life. She says that instead of constantly wondering why? i should just find peace with the reality. OMG, maybe i am so fixated on his death that it is really hindering my thinking in recovery. It is just so hard because i cant control where my emotions go and what form the go in...... I need to have some form of closure so i can let go of the fact that I AM ALIVE and he isnt. my life is worth something... could it be i was in the better mind frame to accept help.....i dont know....i just feel like a new light has been shown on my perspective.

 

god am i a work in progress.

[indierockgrl]

ANOTHER DAY.... in paradise.

 

The confusion that is overwhelming me is intense. i am struggling to see what i am supposed to do. one day i feel one way, and another day, i feel something else. as the days go on and my grief is becoming less and less ( THANK GOD) i wonder just what i am supposed to be doing with my current long term man that is in my life at the moment.

God, i feel like i am drowning from what i am supposed to do, feel, say..... sometimes i want to disappear so i can be alone and not have anyone depending on me. i know that i shouldnt be in a relationship at all.... i know that...... but how do you leave someone that has been there for you through all this crap.... how do i be selfish? i am so very confused. i am so lost.

 

wow, this sounds like i keep repeating myself, i wonder when i will just follow my heart....

[indierockgrl]

Happiness.....

 

No matter what turmoil i have in my life, i am deciding that today i will be happy. I got a raise at work and a promotion.... In these economic times i am very blessed to be where i am. I have to think positive today. I will put aside my confusion and my sadness and i will just try to be thankful for all the wonderful things i have. It is sunny outside and the air is crisp and full of spring. I decided to take a long weekend so i can just think about me. Sleep a little, play with Pilot a little....be carefree for a couple of days..... It feels to me, like everyday i am putting a little of the past, behind me. I am starting to feel like i want to get out there and make new friends, sober ones.... and i want to feel intimacy again. Sure that will take some time but to feel it in my soul... that is a feeling that i thought died with Ken. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

 

I have to say, if there is anyone out there, that has been suffering from addiction, and has taken the time to read this crazy rollercoaster of a journal... of thought, if i can get clean... anyone can. It takes a really strong person to regain control in their life. I stand behind anyone with the courage to admit their problems and seek help for it...GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!