saying goodbye

[dogwood]

heyyyy everyone.

 

ok, I just said a goodbye to everyone in my journal, but then I accidentally deleted the entire thread! > grr. So I will try to do it again... to sum up..

 

anyone who's been reading my journals knows I've been going on lots and lots about my ex "A". saw her in december, which reignited all my feelings for her and perhaps visa versa.. all the sparks were still there.. but lately I have finally started to move on.

 

I've posted in my journal recently and it's still sounded like I'm totally in love with her; however I am weird and was computer-less recently so those last couple of posts were actually really written a couple weeks earlier. I recently finally started to move on from her, and sent her an angry letter just sort of "spilling" everything - and letting her know she cannot treat me how she has in the past if she ever wants to talk to me again. It felt good; getting some closure, getting the last word in so to speak. She did not reply, nor did I expect her to, and I'm fine with that.

 

I deleted my journal because I want to go back to writing just for myself and not submitting it publicly anymore. I joined this site in the summer and was going through a lot of heartbreak-induced-sleep-deprived-self-destruction.. and you guys were very helpful when I needed help.

 

I feel like I've come a long way since the summer. I'm not saying I'm 100% better - I think a wounded heart never fully heals, there's always some pain, some sadness in there. But I do think you learn and grow from experience, and I feel it has turned more into bittersweet; I learned how to fall in love and I learned how to feel real pain from A, and she will always be a part of me in a sense.

 

Aside from her.. a lot of other things are going on too. I recently dumped a girl I had dated over the winter for a few months.. I only began dating her because I was still kinda the head and she was cute and nice so I didn't really care about much else.. she was totally wrong for me and was also rather insane, so I'm glad I did that. Love life aside, I am still trudgin along through school.. I have a new roommate (she literally appeared in my room 2 days ago when I came back from the bathroom.. she said "hi, I'm your new roommate! And began unloading boxes. well that was a TAD unexpected!) I am starting to befriend some more ppl in rez which is nice, I am busy busy with music - got a dress rehearsal tonight and 4 shows this week for this play/dance/music performance at harboufront.. and blah blah.

 

still not sleeping great but hoping a few good things can come my way.. after a hell of a 2008. I just turned 21 yesterday, and I dunno, perhaps I can try to work on myself a wee bit.

 

I've also recently met this new girl; the first girl I've ever felt real sparks for since A. 'Dating' is a bit too soon of a term, but we had a great weekend together - and it feels sad and scary, but also nice and exciting to actually feel real feelings for someone who is not A. Know that there will always be a place for her in my heart, but that there is also space for more.

We both want to take things slow, which we are both notorious for not doing, and I think it's a good idea - hopefully I can also trust my gut in thinking she is not quite as insane as past lovers.

 

Anywayy I suppose that's it. Thanks to everyone for all the advice you gave me when I was going through hard times, and listening to me blather on about this and that..

 

I wish all of you other heartbroken-soulsearching-fools the best of luck; we all fall into pits at times in our lives, but we all regain our footing at some point too. even if we don't believe it at the time, it happens.

 

best wishes,

 

dogwood

[redrose85]

Best wishes to you too, dogwood!