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Does pain mean i'm not ready to forgive?


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i've been reading the forums here for a couple of months now and it's been really really helpful to me to find others that have gone through similar experiences. I don't normally like posting information about personal situations so this may ramble a bit and skip pertinant details but I have a few questions about what i'm feeling and I haven't been able to find anything specific enough to really help and was hoping someone here would have been in a similar situation.

I'll start with a cliff noted background.

My wife of 19yrs had an affair that lasted approx 3 months. I found out about it about a month in and we separated after i received the 'i love you but i'm not in love with you' conversation & she pushed me away as much as she could. The pain was almost overwhelming. i started therapy, went on a mad reading spree (books, this site, others...), drove my few friends crazy, and worked on letting go. i went NC which was broken by her a few times. As i was coming to the conclusion that i was done w/ the games, that i will survive & started planning to getting my life together she called me up and said she couldn't live w/o me and literally begged me to come back. I felt much stronger after figuring out i could move on but at the same time realized that i didn't have to if she honestly wanted to work it out. I wasn't sure if i was being played or not but i wanted to at least say that i tried everything before giving up on half my life. i moved back in, we started marriage counciling, she started therapy, we started really communicating. After a while the lies stopped but she would make comments about how i'll never know the whole truth (to protect me) and we came to a don't ask, don't tell agreement. Everything seems to be going well. We both accepted each others apologies, she's been truly wonderful. To help her guilt certain admissions have surfaced & the affair was physical. I believed this from the beginning so the revelations haven't been suprising. For the last 2 months we have made slow but steady progress. For the last month the pain has been gone almost completely. Even the anger over what she did to me seems to have faded to controllable levels. I honestly feel we're on the right track & that i am able to truly forgive her, although we're still working on long term trust.


This weekend we went out of town on a spur of the moment road trip.

Afterwards she was telling me that she was naive & the affair just kind of happened during a 'moment'. But i know from her & her friends & phone records that she actively pursued this man. So this statement made me angry and we talked about it but i wouldn't let her brush it off. Likewise she has made a few other statements that make it sound like she wasn't responsible for the situation & these are making me angry also. It's no longer about what she did but that she appears to be trying to lessen her role in it. I'm afraid that if i allow her to hide from the fact (as i see it) that the final decision & action was hers, she may be in the same situation again shortly.

The other issue i have is that the pain has returned out of the blue. this time it seems more fueled by a sense of loss. She'll do something that i find cute or say something nice to me and suddenly i'm picturing her saying to the other guy or his appreciation of watching her and it no longer feels like it's mine (does this make any sense?).

The questions i have are whether or not both of these feelings are normal? Do they mean that i'm moving backwards and am not able to forgive yet? Or are they things that will pop up every now and then? Do i tell her about them? Or will that cause worse issues as she then starts to question where i'm at?

I apologize for the formatting, i'm posting this from my phone.

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i'm seeing my personal therapist next wed, but we have another marriage session on tuesday. I was thinking of bringing up the anger issues on tuesday although we've only hinted at the affair in counciling and have been working on communicating and insecurities primarily.

The return of the feeling of the hole in my chest, which is no where near as bad as when this all started, i'm not sure if I should bring up. I may wait to see what my personal therapist has to say although for the most part he seems to basically validate my feelings and doesn't offer a lot of suggestions

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Have you always been faithful to her?


Personally I would never cheat on anyone I was with and wouldn't accept them doing it to me...I feel basically once the trust is gone it's over. Other people can get past it, which is commendable. Although, I don't condone cheating by any means, but my dear some women if they are in their 40's start feeling old and unattractive and it's worse for women who are very beautiful/pretty. I think it's a mid-life crisis and may pass in time. For some women who are nearing their 40's to pursue a man who is younger (right)? It's like she is desperate to hang on to her youth....men get it too...so if you both really want to work things out truly then I say go for it...for goodness sakes you been together for 19 years that is darn near 1/4th of your life span.


So sorry your hurting...just continue therapy/counseling.


hugs and smiles to you

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