How do I deal with taking a break?

[Keyman]

I’ve been seeing this girl now for a couple of months. We have fallen very much in love and want to be together. We have such the strong connection and a determination to make things work. But more and more over the last month, we have been arguing, sometimes over little things and the effects of these arguments can go on into the next day in the way of sulking, distance or moodiness.

 

So after an argument on Monday night, she had a phone call from her father who suggested that being apart for a month to review the areas that are wrong and try to fix them so that when we come back together we are both in a better place to deal with our issues. As it came from her father, she has jumped on the bandwagon and thinks it’s a great idea, but I don’t. I can see that she wants to do something that will stop the relationship heading to disaster, but I feel like the break will itself cause the disaster. So I don’t want to have a break, but will do it because she thinks it’s the right thing to do to help us, and I really want to help us.

 

We are both strong minded, analytical people with a penchant for over thinking, jumping ahead and guessing what we think the other person is going to say. We have both come from negative backgrounds and can be rather controlling of the situation. Together we have worked through many issues, but we do have difficulty compromising.

 

Sure I have had the thoughts to just break up and move on. While that would be easy, I do not think it’s the best thing to do, as I, for one, want to make it work with her. I love her so deeply in such a short time that I want to be with her and not take the easy way out and end it with her.

 

So how do I deal with a break? She can’t give me any answers, so I don’t know what to expect. Should I call her occasionally or should I go NC. I have been known to have depression built from loneliness, so to have her for 2 months then have her taken away would drop me back into that. I used to deal with this by dating, hanging with friends, killing time etc, but this is different and I feel like I am lost for what to do….

 

Help.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have to wonder if your "deeply in love" with just wanting someone in your life. After two months how well do you really know her...your compatibility issues are coming out now..."deeply in love" can only be really seen after the honeymoon period. If you are having major battles in the honeymoon period which has resulted in her wanting to step away then that is not a good sign for the relationship. I read an old thread of yours where you talked about you trying for months to hang on to your last ex, trying to make it work when the relationship was over...then in another thread you started re-thinking that relationship and realized you might have embarked on that one because you were on the rebound from the previous ex. It sounds to me like you still need to do a lot of work on yourself before you can embark on a healthy relationship. I would take this "break" to really think about this relationship as a whole and decide whether you two are really all that compatible.

[nimisaj]

One word. Counseling. It can help if both sides are willing to seek professional help and make the relationship work.

 

I know one couple that is close to me that took this route. It worked for them! Thank God! They're married & have a baby. Anyway, it's not falling in or out of love... it's just squabbles and whatnot. And that's life.

 

At least, I hope it's not falling out of love..

[Keyman]

So, sure, it does seem like this is an opportunity to step away from the relationship and move on. It has been a learning experience and another part to the journey that I am on to better understand myself, how I work in a relationship and to be a better person.

 

I do know that she is using this time to find a better way to be together, to sort out her living arrangements and her working arrangements. She is taking this break as a committed way to better work in with me and to stop her self controlling patterns and her want to always have things the way she needs them to be in a relationship. I am not saying that she is in the wrong here, I am too, with my doing a similar thing.

 

Yes, I will be taking some time during this break to think about what went wrong and try to understand how I contributed to that and what I need to do differently should we carry on after, or how I can apply my knowledge to the next relationship I decide to get into. I do wish to be with her and make things work, but this may well be because of the raw emotions that are in play.

 

There are great compatibilities between us, but we get stuck in our own patterns and behaviours, and this is what is hurting us the most.

 

I am certainly hoping that this is not the end between us, but am accepting enough to know that it may be - having learnt from my previous relationship.

 

And I will be contacting my counsellor for myself on this...