JT4266 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I've been single for a little over a year now and having joined match and living in NYC I have been doing a lot of dating and meeting different people. My problem seems to be waiting for someone to knock me over the way my ex did. The night I met her she walked into the room and it hit me where I HAD to meet this girl. She was beautiful and everything about her just hit me in the right way. I haven't met someone like that yet and I think I need something like that to truly get over my ex. I've dated people from match and always ended it after seeing them a few times because I've had the attitude where I say "I like them, I have fun with them but I don't know if I REALLY like them". I feel like I should stop seeing them at that point because I don't want to lead anyone on. Have I just not et the right person? Should I date someone more than 3 or 4 times and know I really like them? I feel like Match just promotes this browsing, date a lot of people culture and maybe I just need to find someone on my own.... Link to comment
.piper. Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Personally, I don't think you always get those "wow" moments right off the bat. I am currently dating a guy who I wasn't really attracted to at first. I decided to go out with him because he was a nice guy, he is a good looking guy, really sweet - just didn't think he was my type. The more I went out with him the more I started to like him and the more attractive he was to me. I think when you get a certain age its not all about how the person looks, although that is important to a degree, but its the whole package (personality, career, etc). I think you just need to give people a chance. Seems like you are not over your ex yet and you almost seem to be comparing people to her. Link to comment
riley123 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Hey JT -- I went through the same thing, but not with Match. I've been single for a year too and stared meeting people and dating again about 7 months ago -- mostly setups. Anyways, I went through the same thing; meeting girl after girl who were nice, pretty, fun to be with, but I just didn't feel bowled over. I was actually starting to think maybe I wasn’t ready to be dating again. Well, the other night I went out on a date with someone and for the first time since my ex I felt a spark. I was attracted to everything about her – body and mind! I don’t know where it’s going to go, but it’s a wonderful feeling to know that it’s possible, and it will happen for you too. Have an open mind and continue to meet people. Sometimes these types of things only happen when you aren’t expecting it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I don't think "match" is the reason for your mindset - it's your mindset and match makes it easier to live your mindset. I think the issue is you're comparing the memory of a feeling to an actual person and that memory - which by now probably has at least some fantasy aspects - will always win out. I agree in giving people more of a chance to see if by being a giving person your feelings grow rather than expecting it to be like a car wash. Link to comment
Balbina Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I don't think "match" is the reason for your mindset - it's your mindset and match makes it easier to live your mindset. I think the issue is you're comparing the memory of a feeling to an actual person and that memory - which by now probably has at least some fantasy aspects - will always win out. I agree in giving people more of a chance to see if by being a giving person your feelings grow rather than expecting it to be like a car wash. Couldn't have said it better myself. My boyfriend and I have known each other for about 6 years now. I always thought he was "cute", maybe even good looking but I was never interested - it never crossed my mind because we didn't know each other that well. A year a half ago, he started going to class with my sister and we started hanging out a lot more. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him. We've been together for a year... While you're in the "Dating" mindset when you get to know your "matches", you're not letting things fall into place on their own. If theres no chemistry, theres no point - but if you don't feel the lightning bolt of a sign it doesn't mean it isn't there. In fact, I personally think that with things like online dating, or even just getting in the dating scene, it all seems a little pretentious - how do you expect that spark when everyone is putting their best foot forward constantly? Give it some time, you might be surprised. Link to comment
JT4266 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 I didn't mean to imply that I blame my mindset or feelings about these women to match. Its just another tool to meet people but I think in doing so you lose "the vibe" you feel when you walk by someone and you smile at each other. On the other hand it enables you to get to know someone a bit without committing yourself. I guess I just want to ask for opinions - after 3 or 4 dates if you still feel like you want to date other people should you stop seeing that particular person? Link to comment
Balbina Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I guess I just want to ask for opinions - after 3 or 4 dates if you still feel like you want to date other people should you stop seeing that particular person? I think so, yes. There's no point to push it if there is no chemistry. Link to comment
Pet-Lovers Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 If you are waiting for someone to Wow you like your ex, no one will probably live up to your unrealistic fantasy. It sounds like you still have feelings for her and no one will compare. Personally, the WOW factor may happen at a later date. Ending relationships after a few dates is not giving them a chance. Sometimes, it takes time to know you found the right one. My advice is for you to determine whether you are over your ex. If not change your focus and date woman just to have fun and not be serious. Just be up front and find a woman who want the same thing. Link to comment
JT4266 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 My advice is for you to determine whether you are over your ex. If not change your focus and date woman just to have fun and not be serious. Just be up front and find a woman who want the same thing. As far as being over her I think I am getting there. I do think about her every day still and feel an emptiness but its less than before. I have fun dating women but now I worry about them liking me too much and me hurting them - I suppose this is guilt over my dumping my ex and subsequent regret. I think dating to have fun would be the healthiest thing right now and if something turns out to be more then so be it. Worrying about expecations is just ruining the fun of meeting people for me right now! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 . Yes. They are not the One. I have continued to date other people so that I didn't put all my eggs in one basket, if we were not yet exclusive. I wouldn't expect a man to decide whether I was "the one' for purposes of exclusivity in only 4 dates. However, I wouldn't date someone more than 4 times without wanting to kiss the person. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 No two loves are the same, why would the first impressions of a people be the same either. If you're still feeling a little empty and missing your ex...I think that says a lot more than the women you're meeting up with...they don't have a chance...and you're not up for giving yourself fully into the possibility. While this is far and few in between, I'm meeting up with a buddy I lost out of touch with a while back. The last time I saw her, I met her then boyfriend she just started seeing. She pulls me to the side and says, "I can't stand him. I think he's weird." Two years later, they're all ridiculously happily married. My most recent ex (met on eharmony)...the first date, it was like coming home for both of us, really...yet bottom-line, we're not together! This dude I'm hanging out with now (met on Match), I'm not sure if I'm all gaga for him...it's too tough to put too much pressure on yourself to know after 3 or 4 dates. But having fun in the meantime while figuring it out. Are you by chance choosing women similar to your ex, hoping to get a similar result? Well I do know this...if you do something the same over and over, don't expect a different result. Link to comment
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