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I felt it...but it came and went.


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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

I felt it...the old me...the happy me...it came and went for a couple of seconds, and then I was down again. I was on my way to work and for some reason it just hit me. I felt like the way I was before I met her (not that I wasn’t happy at all with her - but it was just that carefree feeling). I just couldn’t hang onto it. It’s so strange - it’s like I had forgotten how to be me, and now there was this moment where I felt so familiar, so free...I hope it comes back soon!

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I felt it...the old me...the happy me...it came and went for a couple of seconds, and then I was down again. I was on my way to work and for some reason it just hit me. I felt like the way I was before I met her (not that I wasn’t happy at all with her - but it was just that carefree feeling). I just couldn’t hang onto it. It’s so strange - it’s like I had forgotten how to be me, and now there was this moment where I felt so familiar, so free...I hope it comes back soon!

 

what were some of the surroundings at this time. not just in space but in ur head as well. think back talk about some of these carefree fun happy times. feel free to post it share with the world my friend.

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I was thinking about cleaning out the back of my car and listening to Queens of the Stone Age. It was odd because I had just passed an intersection my ex takes to her morning job, so I was paranoid and nervous that I'd see her. 5 minutes later and I felt so calm and peaceful. I'm just worried that I'll hear from her again and it'll fall apart. She had said last week in an e-mail that she was going to take the steps necessary to change and she would give me my NC in the meantime, but she would try to contact me in a couple of weeks. I don't want to fall back into the hell I was in last week.

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I was thinking about cleaning out the back of my car and listening to Queens of the Stone Age. It was odd because I had just passed an intersection my ex takes to her morning job, so I was paranoid and nervous that I'd see her. 5 minutes later and I felt so calm and peaceful.

 

lol maybe you got something out of the fact that you were worried to see her. its rad. i dig the cleaning the car. symbolic ... clean that stuff out of your brain. maybe you were calm because you worried your worry out and it was like a deep breath. idk. sorry if im of no help.

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Cleaning the car...lol....i did that on new year's eve. Actually i washed my SUV in pitch dark when it was in the low 40s....i was all wet and cold but it helped...it was like cleaning out all the BS. The next day i noticed that of course I had left streaks of dirt. and all the BS that is going on right now are just those streaks of dirt waiting to be washed off...and hopefully soon they will be. Because I know in mind there is NO going back even if he came back on his knees....

 

Your sense of self will come back slowly on and off. sometimes you will feel great and other times like it can't get any worse. But I agree from above atleast you are starting to feel good again even if it for a little bit.

 

**hugs** i need to listen to my own advice

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**hugs** i need to listen to my own advice

 

You should. You CAN think clearly, but I know it's tough for you to right now. **hugs back**

 

I was actually thinking AFTER I thought about cleaning the car that it's time for a new car, period. I couldn't afford it when I was with my ex. The money I spent on her every month could easily go towards buying a brand new one, so I'll get a used car and take the extra money and save it.

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Hey Seymore,

 

Good for you! I am inspired by your post. I agree with DN that what you have felt is a feeling that will resurface again and for longer periods of time.

 

In the process of grieving, the sense of loss does the opposite, it diminishes with time. But, even years later, you will feel it again, the intensity will feel the same as the moment of the loss, but, it will last for only a moment and there will be more and more time between the moments. In the meantime, life goes on and new memories and things to get done fill up your life.

 

You have obviously hit a point of letting the loss of your ex to begin to diminish into your past. It's a start and will only get better.

 

I know you worked hard to get her stuff out of your life and now you are working hard at reorganizing your own stuff. I like it, all good action steps toward your future on your own!

 

I am sure it will be grand. Best of luck to you!

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Thank you! I still can't stop thinking about her. I step outside at work for a smoke and I'm thinking of her. Then I picture myself explaining to my co-workers why we broke up and that helps me feel better. I still dread the idea that she's going to contact me in a week or so...hopefully by that time the addiction to me ("addiction" to me being her words) will have worn off and she'll realize this is best.

 

I just worry that she's going to write this long letter again and I just can't say anything back.

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Hey Seymore,

 

You do have the right to not respond, perhaps not even open the letter. We are all on one side or another of a breakup, and oddly enough, both must be selfish to protect themselves. How that may or may not get perceived by others, including our ex, should not influence how we need to proceed in this moment.

 

I am starting to really believe one or the other has to take the role of ending the drama. The drama of limbo and not moving on.

 

It is so hard to not have someone in your life that you were used to having there, even if it wasn't a good thing in the long run. It is a bit of an addiction and habit. Thankfully, with some due diligence (Madoff anyone), you can see the red flags and stop investing. Sorry, didn't mean to be flip. But, I do think relationships are an investment and we all need to be careful about where we put our assets and know when to stop investing if the return if not profitable.

 

Boy, that is the second corny analogy tonight. Perhaps just smokescreens for deeper emotional angst.

 

Take care, you sound sweet and very level headed, you will get past this.

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lol maybe you got something out of the fact that you were worried to see her. its rad. i dig the cleaning the car. symbolic ... clean that stuff out of your brain. maybe you were calm because you worried your worry out and it was like a deep breath. idk. sorry if im of no help.

 

Uhm... that's brilliant, actually. Both observations.

 

Sometimes we all need to allow a good spin to exhaust itself. Then we're done, at least for the moment.

 

Also, I'm no feng shui expert, but I do believe that cleaning out spaces does clear out the mind, and it makes room for new possibilities in our lives.

 

Seymore, we're all in your corner.

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I'm not totally sure, but I know her family knows she has a problem. We went on a trip to Georgia a couple months ago to visit her aunt and uncle, whom my ex had lived with for a time in her early teens. Her uncle was talking to me about her when she lived there, telling me about a time where she flipped out in a rage, threw stuff around and told her uncle to get lost. I forgot the reason, but it was petty. Her uncle said to me that he never knew a woman could act so crazy, and that he'd never imagined that type of behavior coming from someone. There was a time a few months back when we almost split, over some petty thing that she wouldn't quit fighting with me about. Her sister told her "You're crazy". Her grandpa really liked me - he gave me a few of these huge puzzles he would spend hours putting together, telling me I could hang them on my wall or something. Her mom told her early on when she met me "Wow, woman!!! Hang onto him!!!" after she told her mom that I refused to have sex so early in our relationship because I liked her.

 

I think that's part of the reason she was so down on her family - they don't always agree with her. They tell her to calm down and slow down and she takes it as they dislike her. That's just my theory, though. I know she has 2 cousins, 3 aunts, a sister and two grandparents within 20 minutes driving distance of her, and she rarely makes contact with them. They reach out to her, but when we'd go to a family function where they were all there, she'd sit there and not talk to anyone, then tell me later that they don't care, even though her cousin asked her to hang out a few times and FINALLY she did. But she made so little effort to contact THEM.

 

I know her family and friends liked me. Except for her best friend (last year - her company Xmas party, drinking...look that thread up if it behooves you - her friend heard our argument and hated me after that). Her one friend even asked her if they could trade boyfriends. One of her old co-workers that I spoke to last week told me she was hard to work with and always had a chip on her shoulder. It was like she thought everyone was out to get her. You could be completely nice to her and she'd find some way to take offense to it.

 

The kicker was that she resented my closeness with my family, saying her family was accross the country (meaning her mom and 2 stepbrothers, 1 aunt, 1 uncle and her cousin), but she'd talk bad about them behind their backs, too. She has more family here than there, so I think she just wanted a pity party. Well, I was sick of that, too.

 

Maybe they're all calling her an idiot, maybe they hate me. Either way, I don't care, because they weren't involved. I'm willing to bet they think she's wrong, though. But it doesn't even matter, anyway. What's done is done. Tonight I was driving home and thinking about the problems I had with her in the first 2 months that should've made me get up and leave. People on here told me to watch out and so did my family, but I didn't listen.

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dude, i dont know why you put up with that for so long. I'd feel like walking on eggshells around her if I were you. i'm assuming she did have some good qualities in her which is why you stayed with her. what attracted you to her in the first place? her looks,ect?

 

i know you feel bad sometimes, but doesn't it also feel like a huge weight off your shoulders too?

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I did feel like I was walking on eggshells. She had good qualities. I think my fault lied here: She waitressed at a restaurant I frequented. I spent 2 years wondering about her before I got the courage to talk to her and ask her out. I think I built her up to be this perfect girl in my head for 2 years and that was my problem. I thought she could do no wrong. She DID have good qualities, to her favor. The thing is, I kept thinking "Those qualities are great. I'll stay in this relationship because she has those". Thing is, those great qualities were sandwhiched in between blowups, etc., and I know with good comes the bad, but the bad reared its head so many times that the good lost its worth.

 

And It DOES feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to worry about what she's thinking, what she wants me to do for her. I get to worry about ME for once.

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Hey Seymore,

 

Yes, I understand the fantasy of what you imagined a relationship with someone to be after a long time of wondering. Except for me it was much longer. Then, BAM, the real reality is nothing like what you had been dreaming of. It is a kick in the face, to say the least.

 

You tried, give yourself that. Yes, be all about yourself right now. Be free and single and unencumbered with anyone else's problems. You are doing great, clean out the car, buy a new (or used) one, save money, redecorate the apartment, invite friends over for fun, have parties without her, etc, etc, etc,.....you are free now to figure out something new for yourself.

 

Liberty my friend.

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what were her good qualities?

 

She could be thoughtful, she included herself in important parts of my life (like going to church), she'd cook for me from time to time, especially when I had little money (although I usually wound up making up for it later in the week when she'd want to do something extra or go to a fancier restaurant than usual)...her and I would make a great team...she had an idea for a children's book, and I helped her make it a reality (I illustrated it, and we published it together), she was a hard worker (at everything BUT the relationship, it seemed after awhile), and she showed me how to break my comfort zone by leaving my town for once and going on a road trip with her. She was also gorgeous, although the sex was few and far between.

 

Early on, for every good there was a bad...after awhile though, the bad really began to weigh more than the good. I became depressed because of all the arguing and her moodiness/anger, I saw my friends about 1/4 as often, I stopped joking around with people at work. It really started to change me. I always felt I had something I had to do for her or somewhere I had to go with her. We used to see each other on weekends only. Then it became sleep over Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Next thing I knew, we were spending just about every day together when not at work. If I wanted to go home and sleep after work, she'd ask me to come over. If I said I was tired, she'd take offense. It really got to be draining.

 

Now, people at work are saying "Will we get to see the old you again?" and tell me things like I used to joke around and laugh and smile, but I haven't in so long.

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Hey Seymore,

 

Yes, I understand the fantasy of what you imagined a relationship with someone to be after a long time of wondering. Except for me it was much longer. Then, BAM, the real reality is nothing like what you had been dreaming of. It is a kick in the face, to say the least.

 

You tried, give yourself that. Yes, be all about yourself right now. Be free and single and unencumbered with anyone else's problems. You are doing great, clean out the car, buy a new (or used) one, save money, redecorate the apartment, invite friends over for fun, have parties without her, etc, etc, etc,.....you are free now to figure out something new for yourself.

 

Liberty my friend.

 

Thank you for your support. I'm glad you know where I'm coming from

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lol maybe you got something out of the fact that you were worried to see her. its rad. i dig the cleaning the car. symbolic ... clean that stuff out of your brain. maybe you were calm because you worried your worry out and it was like a deep breath. idk. sorry if im of no help.

 

what is "rad"?

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I read through a lot of your back posts Seymore, and I have to say that I admire the courage and strength it must have taken for you to end this damaging relationship. I dated someone quite similar to your ex, (in a lot of ways) and it took quite a bit of recover from. (they do a bit of damage) But in time your old self will come back, and you will be stronger and wiser from the experience. Be kind to yourself, and stay strong!

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