Resorting to antidepressants to help heal, esp if its been a LONG time since the breakup

[Tears May Fall]

Well its been a year now since my ex and I split and I still havent been able to move on AT ALL (longest time ever btwn any relationships or dating even somebody and first time in my life feeling down and out like this). For the first 6 or 7 months I was thinking I was fine, because it was relieving to not be fighting and arguing and dealing with the issues of a relationship but as with all things like this, its only fun for so long before reality kicks in. Then after I tried to get back with her (4 months ago) after realizing I really missed her and I felt like a big part of me was just missing, she turned me down saying shes seeing someone else and is serious with this new guy and that I blew my chance.

 

So ive been feeling really down and out ever since. Cant focus on anything, dont have any motivation to do anything productive, which includes trying to move on. I stay home more than ever before, and if I go out, it helps to be around people for a little while but eventually I go back to feeling the same, down, bummy, lazy etc. I havent been the gym in 4 months, havent eaten well, havent slept well, havent been myself at all. Feel lazy to even wake up and go to work everyday, feel like I have to force myself. Cant get myself back together. Ive been to a psychiatrist recently and he suggests I start taking antidepressants to help take the load off and get me starting back up to help me gear myself in the right direction. I want to also start seeing a shrink again.

 

I feel like the problem is that im just lonely and bored, as if im just situationally depressed and once I get myself to move on, meet new ppl and date again and get out of this "situation" I should feel better. But I also know that I should feel comfortable in my own skin and positive regardless whether im single or in a relationship. The holidays were tough because all my cousins were hanging out with their significant others and I even began to feel a bit jealous at times feeling like im gonna be single for the rest of my life.

 

Im beginning to as of late really believe that I might actually be rather depressed and am considering starting meds. I almost feel like this is karma because my ex suffered from depression and I wasnt always there to support her through it and mocked her about it at times and that this is my fate and punishment. I dunno...

 

Anyone else try antidepressants in a situation like this and what was their thoughts on it?

[gary1958]

Listen...I was in a bad relationship for 2 years.. She had numerous personality disorders... I came out of it a shell of myself. Would wake up at night dreading waking up in the morning. Come home and close the blinds and hide in the basement. Was diagnosed clinically depressed. TRhe best thing I ever did was go on Celexa. Its a chemical imbalance. I was told I used up so much seretonin trying to deal with the relationship that there was none left when I was kicked to the curb. When I said to my PD that I wanted to go off it in the fall after 6 months cause I was feeling better. My PD was adamant I stay on it for the winter as the sunlight is less and it is a depressing time of year. Anyways do what you need to do to feel better.

[lisa1126]

Ii don't have personal experience with antidepressant, but knew a couple of friends on it. My own thoughts about the antidepressant is that, if you can stay off of it through resorting to other ways, i.e. start working out at the gym again, go out and meet friends, confide with friends, keeping busy, etc.. I would try your best go that way and see if there isn't any improvement.

 

For my two friends, the medication didn't seem to have made a whole lot of difference. Other life situations helped them out, eventually.

 

I am so sorry to hear that after almost a year, you are still feeling so down.

Have you come to terms with the ending of the relationship, meaning, have you accepted the fact that it is really over?

 

Maybe that's the start. It's very painful to admit to the death of a relationship, but only when you have accepted, you can begin to heal.

 

Keep on posting, there are a lot of people here who will help you get through this.

 

You will survive!!!

There isn't too many people in the world who have not experience the painful break up at least once in their life. As painful as it may be, it is a common human experience, hard to believe, I know...

[catfeeder]

First, don't count the months you spent putting off the grief as healing time. Your devastation didn't occur until a little while ago. So don't be hard on yourself, you're entitled to your grieving time.

 

You probably know that dropping the gym compounds your lack of energy--it can also be the key to getting it back before trying drugs. But the rub is that you don't feel like going there. I get it.

 

I was never made of the stuff to embrace futility over hope. I invented mental tricks to position myself as twice as better off without my ex by the time he would see me one day and realize his mistake. Sure, it was delusional. It also spared me from my depression turning chronic, and it gained me a promotion and a healthy body. Before I knew it, my trumped up determination transformed into healthy pursuits which started being about me instead of him. I guess you could say I weaned myself with fantasy. Dirty word, I know, but it worked.

 

Think of it as planning your revenge--whether you ever cross her path in the future or not, you'll be at least twice as healthy, good looking, successful and inspired than you ever were when you were with her. Hah! That's what she gets for taking you for granted.

 

In your corner.

[Tears May Fall]

Catfeeder, actually its the other way around, i took her for granted, im the dumper in this case. Hence why I felt alright in the beginning, even though I didnt want to really end the relationship but certain aspects of it at the time were just getting overwhelming, and I had my own list of personal issues to resolve out as well. And yes, I agree, the grieving process did not really start for me until a few months ago.

 

She was depressed throughout our relationship and would have constant anxiety attacks, always be sick, lack energy, lack motive to go out and do things, etc. Back then I was the upbeat positive spirited person who never ever thought depresssion would occur to me because I found ways to always stay so positive minded and happy. I had a very laidback and carefree attitude, didnt look at anything in life too deeply and if rough times came along, I usually found ways to brush them off and continue living my life through other means, this includes when my father passed away 3 years ago.

 

So it has nothing to do with trying to show her or myself that I can be better off without her, because I was better off while I was with her, and now without her Ive crumpled. I shouldnt give one person that much power to control my thoughts and feelings and everyday life, but it has happened. Ive succumbed to it.

 

Im trying not to use those type of phrases to describe whats happened to me because thats just another mental block from trying to get better. I have find a way to just motivate myself to go back to the gym again and begin to feel healthier.

 

I also need to figure out how to give myself a chance again...i havent come to terms with the relationship being over yet, i havent accepted it, you are right. But before I can give someone else a chance, I have to give myself a chance to love again, but i guess im just really afraid. Im also very picky and I tend to rationalize everyone these days, making excuses not to talk to any girl or take it anywhere with any girl I might happen to meet. I dont ever go upto anyone to try and attempt asking anyone out, im kind of just sitting here in my little shell waiting for life to come to me instead of trying to go out there and make my life.

 

I just dont know where to start, how to get myself to make that mental shift, and make it for good, not just for one or two days, which ive done recently and then eventually just end up back where I am...maybe its the holidays that are putting me down right now...i dunno...

[catfeeder]

Catfeeder, actually its the other way around, i took her for granted, im the dumper in this case. Hence why I felt alright in the beginning, even though I didnt want to really end the relationship but certain aspects of it at the time were just getting overwhelming, and I had my own list of personal issues to resolve out as well. And yes, I agree, the grieving process did not really start for me until a few months ago.

 

I understand, that's when the tables turned because you likely believed you could have her back until she said no and that she's seeing someone else. What I meant by picturing yourself triumphant in spite of this was to not to be taken literally, but rather seasoned the way you wish.

 

[...] So it has nothing to do with trying to show her or myself that I can be better off without her, because I was better off while I was with her, and now without her Ive crumpled. I shouldnt give one person that much power to control my thoughts and feelings and everyday life, but it has happened. Ive succumbed to it.

 

Okay, phrase it in a different way--one that might be more useful to you. If you picture yourself crossing her path in, say 6 months or a year, how would you want her to respond to you? Will she admire what's become of you, or would she view you as sunk? See, this isn't about some stranger prescribing an exact idea for you--it's something personal. You need to find what will motivate you to turn things around. If that should happen to include your ex at all, I was suggesting that it's not as self-destructive or as taboo as many make it out to be. You can (but don't have to) use reunion ideas to get you started, and given your natural flexibility before you got depressed, you're not likely to abuse those ideas beyond their usefulness.

 

[...] I also need to figure out how to give myself a chance again...i havent come to terms with the relationship being over yet, i havent accepted it, you are right. But before I can give someone else a chance, I have to give myself a chance to love again, but i guess im just really afraid.

 

There's no calendar for this. Just because some people throw themselves into rebounding...ehm, I mean back into dating, that doesn't make it healthy. Lot's of us can't muster the enthusiasm for our own friends and family, much less a brand new person to date. That's exactly why I needed to reach for ideas about seeing my ex in the future as opposed to being motivated to find another guy. Since I couldn't seem to help being such a one-note anyway, I figured I'd use it to my advantage.

 

Im also very picky and I tend to rationalize everyone these days, making excuses not to talk to any girl or take it anywhere with any girl I might happen to meet. I dont ever go upto anyone to try and attempt asking anyone out, im kind of just sitting here in my little shell waiting for life to come to me instead of trying to go out there and make my life.

 

That's normal grieving. Don't compound it by telling yourself you're supposed to be playing well with others right now. That will fall back into place when you're ready--you don't need to plan it or pretzel yourself into forcing it.

 

I just dont know where to start, how to get myself to make that mental shift, and make it for good, not just for one or two days, which ive done recently and then eventually just end up back where I am...maybe its the holidays that are putting me down right now...i dunno...

 

Baby steps. One or two days before falling is fine for a while. You'll pick yourself back up when you can, and next round might be three or four days. What if you needed to lie in bed for a day or two, what's two days in the scheme of things? If you think about it, you'd allow yourself down time if you had a bad cold--so why not relax about giving yourself recovery time for something much more significant?

 

You sound a bit literal and perfectionistic. If you can't bounce back and have it stick permanently, it's not good enough? Skip that. Every step forward is cumulative, and nothing takes it away. You'll have cycles of a few steps forward and one or two back--everybody does. Try to stop "shoulding" all over yourself and let yourself grieve--it's a process. Let it run it's course and get out of your own way. Indulge a bit, and treat yourself like you'd treat anyone else who deserves a break.

 

In your corner.