flguy79 Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 hello all - i'm currently going through the healing process of getting over an ex girlfriend that i loved a lot. she shattered my heart and has left me feeling terrible. this all happened back in august and i can see myself getting better. i've hit rock bottom a while ago and i'm on the way back up. although i still think about her and do miss her, i have friends telling me that i should start to date to help me get over the last hump. i want to get some opinions on when is it ok to start dating again. thanks. Link to comment
waveseer Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Whenever you feel you can give the new woman a fair chance. Link to comment
Madjas Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I went through a breakup 3 days ago and im already flirting with girls trying to get a new girl. You need someone who loves you, someone to make you feel good. Girls can be mind bending tricksters who make you cry and believe me i know. But no matter how tough it gets there is always a saddle to hop back on dude. Girls can be a good thing, keep in mind to not get over excited in a new relationship. Make her come to you. Men, as well as myself, like to set their girlfriend on this high platform to worship for being so perfect. My GF was far from perfect, but she made me feel good. Find a girl who loves you, dont dwell in the past. Whats done is done. The only direction you can move is up. And most of all be prepared for anything Cheers Link to comment
flguy79 Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 i understand, that is the last thing i want to do is rebound. it will not be fair to me or the other person. i know for a fact that i do not want my ex back anymore, even if she came begging back. she caused too much heartache for me that i could never trust her again. i just miss the good times i had and still do think about her, but also get angry with her. thanks for the opinions. Link to comment
auburnslp Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Funny thing is, even when we think we are ready, sometimes we're not. I know this from experience...but, truly, if you think you are ready, there is on'y one way to find out! Good luck... Link to comment
islandj Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 when you feel ready to "loose" again if you have to.. this is not meant to sound negative, but there are no guarantees in love and you dont always get what you want and if you are not ready, a second loss may hurt 10x more than your previous one.. you should feel comfortable with yourself first my 2 cents speaking from experience Link to comment
gee Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 hello all - i'm currently going through the healing process of getting over an ex girlfriend that i loved a lot. she shattered my heart and has left me feeling terrible. this all happened back in august and i can see myself getting better. i've hit rock bottom a while ago and i'm on the way back up. although i still think about her and do miss her, i have friends telling me that i should start to date to help me get over the last hump. i want to get some opinions on when is it ok to start dating again. thanks. Hey man sorry about how terrible you feel. You're not alone. It's been 1 year for me and I haven't dated. I've had the temptation to though. I feel as if I'm not ready, but I'm getting there. Only you will know when you are ready to go back out there. I think once I'm totally detached from the ex I will open my heart again. Don't go rushing into it mate it will only make you feel bad. Do you want to go out on a date feeling like this? I know I wouldn't. Take your time and good luck! gee Link to comment
jennamajig Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Only you know when you are ready. And sometimes you need to put yourself out there to truly determine if you *are* ready. I know I needed to do this and the first time I tried, I realized I wasn't ready. Now, I might be. But really the only way you know is you try. But if you do, just think about it as meeting new people, new friends. No expectations. Link to comment
flguy79 Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 i'm just not 100% sure about it. i think i'm 50/50 on it at this moment, maybe that will change in a month or two. sometimes i get the feeling that if i do start date then i'm sort of betraying the ex. i don't know why i care about what she thinks, as i shouldn't, i need to care about me first, but i have that feeling that if i do meet someone and she finds out, then she'll think i'm a player or a bad person. i hope this makes some sense. thanks for everyone's input. Link to comment
YZRiderF Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 flguy79 It makes perfect sense I know exactky how you feel. When my ex broke up with me I was devastated. I eventually started talking to another girl and wasnt really expecting to move on so fast. I feel like I am cheating on her and like you said a player. But I am by no means a player I am not into that and my goal is not to see how many women I can hook up with. So I can relate somewhat. All I know is this, I thought it was to early but I went on a date and I had a blast. Just go for it. Link to comment
waveseer Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 i'm just not 100% sure about it. i think i'm 50/50 on it at this moment, maybe that will change in a month or two. sometimes i get the feeling that if i do start date then i'm sort of betraying the ex. i don't know why i care about what she thinks, as i shouldn't, i need to care about me first, but i have that feeling that if i do meet someone and she finds out, then she'll think i'm a player or a bad person. i hope this makes some sense. thanks for everyone's input. I understand completely. In fact, I can be such a sick puppy that I took it one step further and told my ex I was seeing multiple men just so he could lower his opinion of me enough to stop feeling guilty and be free. Link to comment
pianoguy Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Sometimes the best way to find out is just to go out on a date and see how it goes. If you're thinking about the ex the whole time then you might not be ready. I don't think this is unfair to the other person- it's just one date, one date doesn't mean anything. Link to comment
loulee Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 i think you shoud go get out there and start dating.you have had some degree of healing..still a ways to go for sure.. but dating is another good way to help boost your self esteem, feel attractive again to the opposite sex and ensure that you keep taking two steps forward. its not about getting involved, UNLESS you are ready for that..dating is about being active socailly...you can have fun dates without ANY sense of committment or loyalty...It helps reinstate our self confidence and worth and may just help pave the way for you to heal more...it certainly will do you more good than harm...A relationship on the other hand is not likely to be something that your ready for now but dating helps monitor when we will be ready.. and helps us to be ready also when that time feels right..!! Go for it... Link to comment
Anon333 Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Id just like to say that I dated someone recently who was not over his ex....He liked me initially, they were broken up for two months and had lived together, but she was still getting stuff from his apartment. I think he wanted to take it slow and get to know me, but we both took it a little too fast because we liked eachother...Then, he kinda pulled back a little (I think he was still talking with his ex about her getting the rest of her stuff)...I broke it off and I think he was relieved...for about 3 weeks I was pretty heartbroken and just getting over it now, where I feel like Id love to try again with him, but there is always more people out there...I did try twice to contact him again and he had no interest, so now I am moving on...I would hope he'd call some day, but Im not going to wait or hope for it... My point is...It is hard to date people if you are not ready to go further than just date..If you like someone and they like you back, you want to make future plans and hang out more...This eventually turns into perhaps something more serious than you wanted, and you backing out...And someone (me in that case) getting hurt..So I dont know how great it would be to date if you dont think you are ready....What good does it do to go out on one date with someone, if you like them, it will lead to something, and if you arent ready for it to lead to something whats the point? Link to comment
Sly_Boots Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Hmm, well that's one of your problems. You really need to stop caring about what the ex thinks. Chances are, from this point on she's not going to assume the best anyways. Go out and have fun, hang out with friends, if you see a girl you're attracted to, investigate! If you hit it off, awesome! Just remember that the ex will most likely be in the back of your mind for some time now, until you have enough time to fully let it go. On a personal note, to ease my own worries about being a 'player' or getting a rebound..I ended up explaining my situation to any of my dates I was interested in. No need for details, just that I was out of a LTR, and was looking for fun, and possibly someone to have fun with. Good luck! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 i'm just not 100% sure about it. i think i'm 50/50 on it at this moment, maybe that will change in a month or two. sometimes i get the feeling that if i do start date then i'm sort of betraying the ex. i don't know why i care about what she thinks, as i shouldn't, i need to care about me first, but i have that feeling that if i do meet someone and she finds out, then she'll think i'm a player or a bad person. i hope this makes some sense. thanks for everyone's input. You are betraying no one for dating someone else as you are no longer together. But if you feel that way, maybe you feel in the back of your mind that there is a chance for your ex and you or you are not over the idea of never being together again. I dated a guy that was not over an ex girlfriend. There was one girl he dated in between me and her. He sort of told me the idealized story of how they met and how her parents said she was too young for him, etc, and talked about that i would really like her if I met her and it would be cool if we were friends. I do believe he loved me, but there was always that shadow of her that would pop up and I knew that I sort of shared him with her memory. It was not fair to me for him to date me and not have it fully settled in his mind that they would never be together again or at least are not holding their breath over it. It seemed from their contact that she had moved on, but he still sent cards for holidays/occasions and anything she did he put her on a pedestal (episodes where she was cast as the innocent ingenue who was a victim of the people around her and certainly wouldn't have smoked pot or whatever unless someone made her do it) Anyway, when we broke up he finally later tried to tell me how much he cared for me, but it was way too late at that point and I was not sure if he really felt that way or I was becoming the idealized ex girlfriend. Other stuff happened in between so really that ship had sailed and all it did was to try to make me feel guilty. Anyway....it is okay to go out with friends, go out with girls to things, but don't jump into a relationship with someone until you feel you are ready and you will know when you are ready when you stop pining about your ex or seeing a girl and comparing her to your ex right off the bat. I suggest during this time while you are pining is to really get to know yourself and make sure you are whole, otherwise you may repeat things from the past relationship or let it spill over. Link to comment
loulee Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I believe dating is not in any way a commitment to further a relationship with someone in any way..If you are honest before a date about your intentions NOT to be involved with anyone at this point BUT just to form new friendships and start to enjoy yourself again a bit more than NO One gets hurt unless they are not listening to what you have been clearly stating to start with.....I think it is all part of the healing process and more often than not it is a positive thing. it keeps our social skills up to speed ..enhances our confidence...and lets us know by being "OUT THERE" that there is life after the ex and I think everyone needs to feel HOPE to really believe in it when we are still healing emotionally. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 loulee..I think there are types of people that date to date and mee tnew people and make new friends, and I wish I was like that...There might be people like me though, that agree to go on a date or go out with someone who they really like and see a further potential with.....What do you do if you really like the person and they arent over their ex? Do you continue on going on dates with them and take it slow, knowing they are still thinking about their ex? I think anyone you like and go out on a date with has the potential for this to happen...If they say they just got out of a relationship and want to take it slow, it is easier said than done if you like the person....I had to walk away, and then make a fool of myself a couple times second guessing whether I should have been more patient..... Link to comment
flguy79 Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 thanks everyone. i think some of the problems that i am having with all of this is that i had a whole lot of change hit me at one time and i don't know what to do. i lived w/ my ex-girlfriend, who i loved, saw myself marrying, for about a year in my condo (i'm still stuck here). when she left me, i was shocked and angry at the same time and it didn't really bother me that she was gone. then 1 week later my grandfather, who i was really close to, passed away. that was very hard in itself to deal with. also, i think she was the 1st person i actually fell for hard and was in truly in love with. i had been in 1 serious relationship before, but i didn't feel like this when that ended. i became depressed for the first time in my life and it really effected me. i've lost about 30lbs since august, which is good because i needed to lose it, but i haven't been "right" since. i can tell that i am getting a lot better - you should have seen me in Sept. and Oct. I'm to the point now where I can look at other women and get that motivation to meet someone new. i recently turned 29 and now i'm starting over again. i had hoped that i would have at least been married or close to married at this point. now, it looks like that won't happen until my 30s (hopefully). i don't have the urge to hookup with random women. i sort of want to meet that next someone so i can get the process started again. i wonder at times if she even thinks about me at all. it seemed that she had gotten over our 18 month relationship in a matter of a few weeks. i just don't see how you can throw away something like that and be ok with it. i know i'm probably all over the place in this thread, but as you can tell i'm dealing with a wave of emotions and thoughts and i'm trying to process them accordingly. thanks for everyone's input. Link to comment
wizard71 Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 When you meet someone and realise that you think about them all the time and not your ex. You have to jump in sometime and see what happens. you will soon know. Link to comment
jennamajig Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Wow, flguy, I cannot completely relate. I lived with my ex for a year and had to move out. Both of my grandfathers ended up in the hospital a few weeks later (luckily both are now okay and recovering). I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather... Bad news/things always seem to come in clumps sometimes. I can also relate not wanting random hook-ups. I'm not that type of person. I would love to meet that next someone that ends being it, but sadly I know life doesn't often work that way. I though my ex was it, but I was wrong there, so I'm not sure if I can trust myself next time, lol. But I want to look as well. It's normal to wonder a little about the ex, even after time. I do, even though it seems like he, too, easily forgot about two years. But now I think my feelings have more to do with loneliness than him. When you get very little closure, I think it's harder to deal with. And healing is a two step process - you get over them and let go of him/her, and you also have to let go of the future/dreams you wanted/hoped to have with them. You wonder if you will have them with someone else. And that is hard. Definitely hard. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 When you meet someone and realise that you think about them all the time and not your ex. You have to jump in sometime and see what happens. you will soon know. This makes me sad that I couldnt be the one to get him to stop thinking about his ex..Do you really think it depends on the person you meet, or that you are healed enough to be open to them? Link to comment
jennamajig Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 This makes me sad that I couldnt be the one to get him to stop thinking about his ex..Do you really think it depends on the person you meet, or that you are healed enough to be open to them? Anon, both could be factors. I tried dating about a month and half ago. That was too soon. Met a nice guy and realized this. Told him so and that I needed to be friends. He was cool with it. Little did I realize he wasn't really and pushed me when I wasn't ready by coming on too strong. He is a very nice guy, but I wasn't ready. I'm more ready now, but not sure he was it. Healing is a process and those of us in the mist of it do not want to hurt anyone in the way we were hurt. But we're fragile, so we each move at our own pace. I'm sorry it didn't work out with your guy, but perhaps it took him trying to see he wasn't ready. And that it wasn't fair to be with you unless he could give you his all. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Thanks jenna..I still hope he might come around some time..I think I got too anxious about us because I really liked him...He took it kinda fast too, but I got hurt when he started to pull away...And later I found out he was getting that way because he was still talking to his ex about getting the rest of her stuff from his place and she still wanted to be friends, even though I think it was tearing him apart..... I dont know what will happen..If I will ever hear from him..I think it is hard to know if someone else is right for you to try a relationship with if you still have feelings for someone else...I dunno...I told him I didnt want to get hurt and he said he didnt want to hurt me..I attempted to backtrack twice though and told him to call me any time...He responded kindly, but was obviously not interested in hanging out again..It hurts to think I was the one to make him realize he wasnt ready..... Still wonder if it was the timing, or me....I wish he told me..But I have to let it go......Move on....Hope he will come around or someone else will some day...BAck to singledom... Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.