Does your boyfriend take you out?

[DN]

I repeat it again, he SHOULD NOT accept her spending money on him when he has the money but want to spend it for his own interests.

Then she should not have offered.

 

I do wish people would not tell people how to spend their own money.

[unwanted21]

But you offered to pay.

 

Look - I really think you have to stop the mindset of you deciding what he needs and doesn't need and what he can and can't afford. It really isn't your business.

 

When he said he couldn't afford to go out to dinner then you could just have accepted that and suggested something else that didn't mean spending money. But you wanted to go out to eat and made the decision to invite him and pay for it. That was your choice - he didn't ask you to do that. So you weren't ripped off - it was your decision based on what you wanted.

 

Well again, it's not really about the money, it's just that I wish he would WANT to spend his money on me, not because I want his money but because spending money = spending time together doing things other than sitting at home. I wish he would WANT to take me out and make me feel special. I always do it for him, I'm always trying to plan fun things for us to do. He sometimes never wants to do them and it's always cause 'it's too expensive'. I just wish he would want to spend his money on me like he wants to spend it on video games and phones and all that junk.

[DN]

just wish he would want to spend his money on me like he wants to spend it on video games and phones and all that junk.

OK - one more time and then I am going to move on. The fact is that it is his money and he a right to spend it as he pleases. If you want a boyfriend to spend more of his money on you then I think you need to find one who will do that.

 

Whenever anybody says "it isn't about the money" - it always is about the money because if it wasn't there would be no need to post about it. And if it wasn't you would try my suggestion about taking turns - but you ignore that and revisit the money aspect.

[Sparkly Eyes]

But you offered to pay.

 

Look - I really think you have to stop the mindset of you deciding what he needs and doesn't need and what he can and can't afford. It really isn't your business.

 

Oh please! If a guy doesn't want to spend money on dates and having fun with his gf but just for the stuff he likes he better be without a gf! at least he should pay for himself if he doesn't want to spend money for her. But he really MUST spend at least a little bit of money for the activities his girl like or they can do together! you may want to say otherwise, but having a partner means you have to sacrifice because of them not that it is all your own business and just about you. I personally would not put up with that!

 

We're both 21

 

well, that's better, if he was older it was less tolerable! but still I dont think what he does is acceptable,

[DN]

I think anyone who says someone 'must' spend money on someone else has a lot to learn about balance in relationships and what is really important. If a relationship is measured by money then it will only last as long as there is money to be spent.

[unwanted21]

OK - one more time and then I am going to move on. The fact is that it is his money and he a right to spend it as he pleases. If you want a boyfriend to spend more of his money on you then I think you need to find one who will do that.

 

Whenever anybody says "it isn't about the money" - it always is about the money because if it wasn't there would be no need to post about it. And if it wasn't you would try my suggestion about taking turns - but you ignore that and revisit the money aspect.

 

I appreciate your opinion but I really dont' think you are understanding where I'm coming from. I don't need him to buy things for me or spend money on me. When I ask him to come out with me places, I don't mean I want him to pay for both of us, I always pay my own share, but he won't even pay for his OWN dinner or his OWN movie. Going to dinner and seeing a movie or doing other things like going to a museum or an aquarium or whatever are all QUALITY things that I would love to do with my boyfriend. I enjoy just spending time with him at home too but when that's ALL that we do, sometimes I want a change. I just wish he would be WILLING to spend his money to come out with me, to experience something new with me just like he's WILLING to spend money on a new unnecessary material object.

 

That said, the thing that we do doesn't even have to be something that costs money, but the sad fact is that in the winter time, most things cost money unless you want to be outside in the cold. And I just wish that my boyfriend WANTED to and was WILLING to spare a few dollars so that he can have some new experiences and quality time with me.

[Rose21]

"oh and, another thing that just annoyed me the other day. I asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner and he said he can't afford it. So I offered to pay. So we went out for dinner and then afterwards we went to the mall and he ended up buying a new expensive phone when he didnt even need one! I didnt say anything but I felt kind of 'ripped off'."

 

That is utterly rediculous!

 

If he didn't have the money or was in a financial bind, that would be understandable and I wouldn't mind paying.

 

But if you say you can't afford to take your girlfriend out to dinner, then you sure as hell can't afford to buy a fancy phone thats more then 3 times the cost!

 

That would be a deal breaker for me.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I think anyone who says someone 'must' spend money on someone else has a lot to learn about balance in relationships and what is really important. If a relationship is measured by money then it will only last as long as there is money to be spent.

 

first it is not on someone else, it is on the activities they do together! they go out for whatever , each can pay their half. and it is sweet that sometimes one pays for the other half too, sometimes the girl, sometimes the guy! and yes I think it MUST be there! otherwise I hate to say it but the person who is not willing to spend any money on couple activities IS cheap!

[unwanted21]

I think I'm just not feeling any reciprocity in this relationship. I feel like I bend over backwards for him all the time and he just doesn't put in as much effort. Blah.

[Rose21]

True.

 

Sometimes I pay for everything, sometimes my boyfriend pays for everything, other times we split.

 

In reality, he usualy spends a LITTLE more, but all in all we do it pretty equal.

 

Whereas before it was only him shelling out the cash, and me never doning anything. Which was wrong.

[unwanted21]

I definitely spend WAY more on him than he does on me. I don't mind spending money on him, I actually enjoy it, I like making him happy and taking him out. I just want some reciprocity.

[Rose21]

Well if that's how you really feel, you need to tell him how much it bothers you.

 

If that doesn't work, give him an ultimatuim. "Either change your frugal ways, or I walk"

 

And alas, if that doesn't work. LEAVE HIM.

 

Find someone that respects you and thinks your worth spending a little bit of cash on.

[unwanted21]

Well if that's how you really feel, you need to tell him how much it bothers you.

 

If that doesn't work, give him an ultimatuim. "Either change your frugal ways, or I walk"

 

And alas, if that doesn't work. LEAVE HIM.

 

Find someone that respects you and thinks your worth spending a little bit of cash on.

 

Yeah, but that just brings up a whole other problem that we have which is communication. Every time I try to bring something up with him he does not respond at all. He is the WORST communicator ever. It makes me never want to work things out anymore, I just dont want to talk to him about anything.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well if that's how you really feel, you need to tell him how much it bothers you.

 

If that doesn't work, give him an ultimatuim. "Either change your frugal ways, or I walk"

 

And alas, if that doesn't work. LEAVE HIM.

 

Find someone that respects you and thinks your worth spending a little bit of cash on.

 

Second on that. The thing that he doesn't spend money on you, but accepts all the money you spend on him is showing he is really selfish and cheap. When my bf was short on money, we didn't go out as much because he was ashamed of letting me pay all the time. I appreciated that and I think this is how a person with self respect should be.

[DN]

Yeah, but that just brings up a whole other problem that we have which is communication. Every time I try to bring something up with him he does not respond at all. He is the WORST communicator ever. It makes me never want to work things out anymore, I just dont want to talk to him about anything.

I may be able to help you there if you like. Let me know and I will send you a pm.

[unwanted21]

I may be able to help you there if you like. Let me know and I will send you a pm.

 

sure, i would appreciate that.

[_Asti_]

Yes, we go out fairly often.

He still initiates dates, treats them like dates, we get dressed up for dinners or a night out together, etc.

 

And the rest of the time are activities and things we do together, that we agree on together to go out and do.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Well again, it's not really about the money, it's just that I wish he would WANT to spend his money on me, not because I want his money but because spending money = spending time together doing things other than sitting at home. I wish he would WANT to take me out and make me feel special. I always do it for him, I'm always trying to plan fun things for us to do. He sometimes never wants to do them and it's always cause 'it's too expensive'. I just wish he would want to spend his money on me like he wants to spend it on video games and phones and all that junk.

 

I agree- even though DN has brought up some really good points.

I used to have a bf (as I mentioned) who only wanted to stay in and watch tv. If we went out it was to go to the drive thru and buy food. I mostly treated or paid for myself.

I wasn't after the money, but to me, if a guy isn't willing to share what's his, with me... maybe there is something there which isn't right.

I am all for not telling someone how to spend their money, but I'd also want to be with someone who had no problems spending once in a while on me, just as I'd also be spending on him.

 

It'd be the same if a girl always made her bf pay and she made excuses not to ever pay, while still having money to shop for herself and her needs only- she'd be seen as a "freeloader" or mooch.

[binah3]

This guy has clearly stated his priorities, and I'm sorry to say that making you feel appreciated and valued doesn't seem to be one of them. He has, of course, a right to spend his money whichever way he chooses. There is no way you can control that, or should control that.

 

HOWEVER... while you can't control how he behaves and what his priorities are, you have every right to control how you feel in this relationship, and to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you, and if he's coming up short of what you need, then you have two options: either accept his behavior (because, sad to say, I doubt he's going to change much, and waiting for people to change deeply ingrained behaviors or habits is about the worst mistake one can make), or walk away.

 

If I were you, I'd weigh what I get from this relationship, against what I feel is lacking. And act accordingly.

[Hootowl121]

I searched this questions because I was wondered if it meant a guy cared about if he didn't take you out on dates.

My current boyfriend only took me out on one date, when we were just getting to know each other. Looking back on it I think the reason he chose the movies was because he had a gift card. I'm not a girl who is high maintenance by any stretch either, so I told myself we didnt have to go out on dates all the time I just wanted to be with him. We are still in our early 20's, so after that whenever he asked if we could split the ticket or I ended up paying the whole bill I understood it to mean that he was was worried about financial stuff. Then this summer he broke up with me out of the blue, and about a week later started going out with another girl. About four months ago he sent me a message saying that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life and that he loved me, and even talked about getting married. We have been trying to work things out because I love him, and officially started dating again 2 weeks ago. I was devastated when he broke up with me, I have never ever been so heartbroken in my life. Needless to say the fact that he immediately got another girlfriend makes me feel even more heartbroken, and inferior. I asked him questions about his relationship with her and he reluctantly told me that he took her on real, formal dates, at sit down restaurants. He never paid for any of my meals, and it just kills me. I'm wondering I am acting like a brat expecting him to take me on dates, or am I an idiot for giving him a second chance.