need out of this limbo

[FloatingAnchor]

Hey, guys. I wasn't sure whether to put this in the Healing section or Getting Back Together. I'm trying to heal, but it's difficult when the ex is on the fence about a reconciliation. We broke up 8 months ago, but was in LC until October, after which I went NC. He called me in November and essentially put me back to square one. He didn't start off saying he wanted a reconciliation (troubling), but halfway into the conversation, he said he wanted to come back. I told him I'd think about it, then called him a couple days later and did the girly thing, asking him where we stood and whether we were getting back together for real. This apparently scared him off and he sent me an e-mail saying that I'll "always always have [his heart]" to myself, but he's not quite ready and he'll "try again in 3 months."

 

This leaves me in a limbo because I do want to reconcile. However, I refuse to initiate contact because I am angry for the things that he's done. Furthermore, I'm afraid to believe that he's broken up with the girl that he left me for (sounds so promising, right?). My stubbornness isn't out of pride, but for any reconciliation to work, he'll have to show that he can commit this time because I've made it more than clear that I'm willing. So I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to move on but it's clear that I can't because I feel like a reconciliation is pending, even though I know he could very well change his mind. I've tried getting him to tell me "no" to kill the hope, but he won't, or when he does, we both know he doesn't mean it. So he won't say "yes" and he won't say "no." We've been in NC for another month now. Like I said, I don't want to call him. I don't know if he's not calling because he's respecting my decision for NC or if he's not ready to fully come back. Probably both.

 

Should I be attempting to reach out and take things slowly? There are a couple of issues that remain, so the rational part of me thinks I should take my progress as an opportunity to pull away once and for all before I get hurt again. I've tried to force myself out of this limbo, but as another poster has said, the heart wants what the heart wants, especially when there's even the slightest encouragement.

[franfran]

I would wait for him. I would wait for him to come back to you completely. If he really wants to then he will.

[arwen]

I'd be hesitant to get back together with someone who doesn't know for sure he wants to be with me. I guess if someone is able to leave me for someone else, my interpretation of that would be that he didn't want me enough. There'd always be something inside me that would doubt his love for me.

 

You mention the change of his mind, but I'd be more concerned with the change of his heart.

[NJRon]

He left you for another woman. He calls back and hints at getting back together. You say "ok, where does that leave us." He says that's too heavy and he'll get back to you in 3 months...

 

Umm... doesn't sound like he's worth the wait here.

[FloatingAnchor]

Thanks for the replies. I think the fact that this was a LDR and would remain one even if we got back together hugely complicates things. Basically, LDR wasn't working due to the usual reasons: communication, not seeing each other, etc. We'd talked about a break many times before, but the appearance of a new person just catalyzed it, as they say. The thing is, there's nothing lacking in our compatibility or interactions when we're together. The distance just became untenable for him. Because he still had feelings for me, his new relationship wasn't serious and his girlfriend knew it. It was incredibly wrong, but during LC, we always talked to each other with this inside-joke attitude of coming back together when the distance wasn't prohibitive. Don't get me wrong, our conversations were entirely platonic, but neither of us really believed that we were finished.

 

It seems to me that the stakes are higher when getting back together. Add distance to that and you're basically saying it's a done deal to holy matrimony. At least, I think this is how he feels. If he makes the right gestures, I will probably take him back. My question is, is there a way to get over someone if there's a chance they'll come back, or is that logically impossible? Because right now, I feel like I'm just waiting for the three months to pass. Even if I go on dates and try to be as open-minded about other people as possible, which I've been doing, a part of me would still be waiting, subconsciously.

[NJRon]

As long as you're hanging on you can't let go... Doesn't mean you can't let go and, if down the road the circumstances are right, things could start up again. But, I would say it would be mighty tough to get over someone who you are leaving the door open for in any meaningful way.

[arwen]

I think the reason you're stuck at this point is because you allow him to be fence-sitting for so long. As long as you don't make a decision about ending the relationship, you will be in his limbo. He has a luxurious position, he knows you are waiting for him. I think that the part where you 'scared him' is much more important than the LDR factor.

 

I know LDR is really difficult, but I also think that if you want someone so badly, you wouldn't risk losing them, regardless of distance.

[FloatingAnchor]

NJRon and arwen, you are both right. I appreciate your input. I wish someone would just slap me and tell me it's over. I have trouble believing it, but I think it will sink in as more time passes and he doesn't call me. In the meantime, I will try to remind myself of the negatives of the relationship. I just need to get through these temporary moments of weakness and stick to NC. I don't know how long it will take me to truly get over it, but I don't think there's much I can do but let time do its thing and continue listening to the voices of reason and wisdom that are ENA. Thanks for reading!