Just a rant.

[paintedfish]

Yeah... no couseling, no help for him period really. He refuses everything.

 

Um, well I gave up on therapy. I've posted my frustrations with medications and with my therapist here quite a bit, and until deemed necessary, and I no longer function, I refuse to go back. The antispychotics were awful, and very expensive. Granted, I wouldn't be pulling all nighters if I were still on them, since they made me sleep CONSTANTLY. They helped, but I can't imagine being on medication for all of my life, so if I can do this on my own I will. I can deal with whatever is going on in my head and my body. Its tiring, but I absolutely hated the fact that I was on medication for anything. Especially something mental. No idea why. But I'm not going back. My therapist betrayed me anyway. Do not want to go through that one again.

 

I think if I get through it all on my own, it'll make me that much stronger, and I'll know myself that much better.

[sarey]

Alright, I agree on the fact medications are not always the solution, mental health illnesses/difficulties cannot be drugged away, only certain conditions like schizophrenia I'd say really do require medication, but other things can be coped with and helped through so many different ways.

 

I wish you luck and well in everything and you are a strong person. x

[paintedfish]

Medication has its advantages and disadvantages, but I believe it all boils down to personal choice and quality of life.

 

Thanks Sarey.

 

 

 

I'm actually feeling super accomplished now that it's later in the day and I didn't give into the demons of sleep. I no longer want to lay down, and sleep isn't as frightening because its not a real possibility anymore. I know this feeling and I know there is no way I would sleep. Its not the static, but its still an overactivity of some sort. My dad keeps asking me to get out of the house. For some reason that idea is also terrifying and sounds incredibly draining and not worth it at all. No, I have no desire to wander around a harshly lit, loud supermarket and worry about how many people there want to steal my skin. No, I don't want to go on a ride in the sunshine, the wind and the light would be too much, and the lack of conversation would leave me alone with my thoughts. I'm not hungry, I don't want to sit in a loud restaurant...

 

I feel terrible. He never gets out and now he has two kids that never want to go anywhere with him. If I can persuade myself to buck up and do it, I'll go to dinner or something tonight with him, and maybe enjoy it. He really does try hard to be a good dad. And he is. I just don't feel like being a good, active daughter. I would prefer to be everywhere and nowhere, and the closest I can come is just not moving and disturbing as little of the world and the air flow as I can.

[Miss Firecracker]

I just saw my brother for the first time in a few months. He's "detoxing" (even though he keeps relapsing)... and he just walked from his room, got his Subutex from my dad, and went back in.

 

He looks....

 

 

 

 

Homeless. Jesus.

 

 

 

Frightening.

Completely emaciated.

Unkempt.

Absolutely filthy.

Gone.

My brother is gone. Theres a wild man living in this house that none of us even know anymore.

 

 

In addition, he has stolen and sold every item of value in this house, regardless of sentimental value or ownership. Silver pistol that was a family heirloom from early 20th century? Gone. My dad's coin collection? Gone. Even his precious guns, from his AK47 to his little pistol have been sacrificed to the Pawn Shop Money Giving Gods.

 

 

You just described my brother, paintedfish.

 

I miss my brother who is a walking, burned out zombie. He has been this way since he was in high school, and now he's 41 and still alive. My dad has been waiting for him to die for at least 20 years, but he is still here by some miracle. Everything he has disappears. Once he took a heater my dad bought him and sold it to a pawn shop.

[paintedfish]

Yeah, he pawned off a machine that projected stars onto the ceiling, possibly my favorite gadget to have ever entered the house. Probably for like... $20 or something. Nothing is safe, nothing is too special or even too small to not become disposable. The drug addict turns into a walking, talking drug. Life is consumed by it. All your actions are dictacted by it. Morals and rationale go out the window. He's 23 and I believe.... $35,000 in debt? Plus he overdrafted his account $500 recently, which is a felony. He's a mess, and I miss him very much. Before this, he was so smart and incredibly witty and maybe TOO sensitive. A great all around person though.

 

To hear that its still going on 20+ years later is incredibly disheartening. I'm so sorry for your family and for the choices your brother made. I can't imagine dealing with that type of torture of seeing him and him not even being there for 20 years. Its been hard enough for 6.

 

How do you feel about it? Are you angry? Sad? I find it hard not to blame him because he knew addiction runs in our family, and when he realized he was doing something notoriously addictive, he should have either stopped before he started or stopped once he realized how addictive it was before he got so deep in it. I see this as largely his fault. He's ruining my family, and I do resent him for it. But it makes me so sad, at the same time. Its like he died or something.

[NightLily]

Maybe I missed something.. but could your brother be Bipolar? My Uncle is very similar (and Bipolar) and will pawn off all of his possessions when manic.

[paintedfish]

No my brother is a drug addict. He pawns off other people's possessions when he has no money for his next purchase.

[NightLily]

Some drug addicts are self.. medicating. I know quite a few. The problem is, the drugs can alter the brain chemistry and yeah.. make them either develop a mental disorder or..

 

Yeah, I'm sorry you have to see your brother fall so hard like this.

[paintedfish]

I dont think he has any mental problems besides substance abuse and probably hypochondria. Addiction is pretty common in my family.

[paintedfish]

I guess mental illness is too... now that I think about it.

 

But he's not shown any personality traits that are abnormal for a drug addict, or a 23 year old boy. He's grumpy when he's running low, he's pretty normal and cheerful when he's got some, and he's lying and stealing when he has none. No weird habits or mannerisms, no out of control behavior or anything. He's fairly reserved. Probably depressed at this point because he never leaves his room. And his emotional growth was kind of stunted by family troubles + addiction from the age of 17 or so.

[Miss Firecracker]

I am not angry at my little brother. Now I realize he has a serious illness and that drugs and drink were an escape for him. In those days we knew nothing of mental illness. I didn't understand until my own child was diagnosed Bipolar three years ago, and then I finally saw what made my young brother and one of my sisters different. The sad part for them is they didn't have the more obvious form of psychosis that absolutely requires being institutionalized. Most people wouldn't think I'd be happy my son did, but it forced us to admit the problem and take action to correct it LEGALLY. If he had turned to illegal drugs to cope, then he would be on the same path as my brother and sister.

 

My brother doesn't do what yours does as far as bank accounts and credit. That is because he has no bank, and he has no records with the government AT ALL. He doesn't drive, hasn't since he was very young. He rides a bike and lives in my dad's rotting old house he lived in years ago before he married his new wife. My mom died many years ago, and finally my dad married several years back. He goes over and takes my brother food and pays the electric bills so that he won't freeze or have a stroke. ](*,)

 

My dad and I will try to outlive our children if at all possible. Neither of mine could survive on their own. :sad:

[paintedfish]

I do remember your PMs you sent me a while ago, and I believe you told me about your sons.

 

 

My dad and I will try to outlive our children if at all possible. Neither of mine could survive on their own.

 

I'm terrified my parents feel this way about my brother and I. But what's messed up, is my brother almost seems excited for my parents to pass, because he thinks he's getting some big inheritence, when in reality he has sucked my father dry in the present, so in the future both of us will get next to nothing.

 

I've tried to become self-reliant, emotionally, financially, etc. But lately I have been calling up my mom a fair amount, and talking to her about problems, both mine and hers, and just generally catching up. We usually end up discussing my brother. We are all at our wits end, and I don't even think he cares. Like I said, I could be wrong, but I have seen no evidence of a mental disorder in my brother besides maybe situational depression. I really hope we're not overlooking anything, but I think it was just the friends he had. They are all into the same thing, and they shoot up together, and buy and trade with each other. My brother is very much a follower.

 

 

 

 

My mom has so much stress in her life I have to sugarcoat and sometimes outright lie about my status, and that's very stressful for me. She's a nurse, but she always said her psych rotations were the only ones she hated in school. I almost wish I had a physical ailment, so it would be interesting rather than stressful and scary. Now she just refers to me as her "schizophrenic daughter," when I'm certainly not schizophrenic. I feel like I'm putting on a carefully played out show, where I tell her just enough so she thinks Im not lying, without truly worrying her. I only call or answer her calls on good days. I don't want her to think I'm not okay, I don't want to be a source of stress in her life. Since I can't help but be one, I try to minimize it.

 

My mom was in denial about something being wrong with me for a long time. I would tell her things, and she would get huffy and say it was hormones. When I first went on medication she blew up at me and told me "What are you depressed? Everyone's depressed! We all still work and manage, get over it!" It wasn't till she calmed down a few days later and I told her about my hallucinations and delusions and debilitating depression that she started to take me seriously, and then she was scared. That felt worse than her not believing me. I don't know how to handle her.

[Miss Firecracker]

I am sure there is a lot of guilt on your end over what your parents are going through. But you can't help this any more than your parents can. It is no ones fault.

 

We live a nighmare in our home, no one is invited over. There is no way to make friends that are too close because there are times we aren't presentable. There is no real way to put into words what we go through. It helps to come here and vent a little. We just hold our heads up and keep moving, staying as busy as possible helps.

[paintedfish]

Still sleepless. Get to watch another sunrise. : )

[NightLily]

I've been pretty much stuck in insomnia lately too. Are you tired because of it?

[paintedfish]

Not really. My eyes get dry, and I'm a little light headed, but I'm actually super awake most of the time. High strung, I suppose.

 

How do YOU feel?

[NightLily]

Actually pretty much the same. Super awake and people can't tell I am tired. Before last night I literally only slept one hour in 48 hours and wasn't even tired. At all. Probably (hopefully) the meds.

 

If it gets really bad I would look into a sleep aid like ambien or something? You can get this thing called melatonin from CVS which is herbal and does seem to help.

[paintedfish]

Haha, yeah my dad's been trying to get me to take melatonin for a while. I have no interest in sleep, though.

[paintedfish]

So I just sent my brother a myspace email that is sure to make him avoid me for a long while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm almost positive he will ignore or pretend to not have read it, but I feel better sending it and I think it will mean a lot to him.

[paintedfish]

For the first time in a long time, I think I'm having another panic attack. I feel cut off from everyone and everything. I'm questioning myself and my value. I'm trying very hard to figure myself out, and what makes me think the things I do, and need the things I think I need. I seem to fluctuate between being overly confident and generally happy with myself to the extent that I think I'm a wonderful human being, to times like this, when it seems I lose almost all of my sense of self. When I'm feeling good, or when I'm feeling balanced, I can objectively look at my problems and sort through them, make sense of them. Times like this, I feel like ranting lunatic has taken over my brain and there's no cohesion or anchor to my thoughts or my self.

 

Why am I spinning out of control? Where is this headed, and why don't my thoughts make sense?

[NightLily]

When I start getting either too down or too up my thoughts also being a chaotic mess. When depressed, I'll even try talking to myself (sometimes for hours) in some sort of attempt to sort it out. A couselor I had said to write my thoughts down to try to force my thoughts to come in a line instead of many at the same time.

 

Maybe something like drawing or painting would help you to focus in a little? It seems to help me.

[paintedfish]

Haha, its good to know I'm not the only one. I do talk to myself, frequently, when I'm distressed. Or when I'm nervous about some sort of social interaction, I'll be going over conversations so much in my head I realize I'm walking or driving around aimlessly rehearsing out loud. Fortunately I'm usually alone when this happens. I feel like a freak though.

 

Writing out that journal entry was difficult and took me more time than it shoud've last night. I couldn't get sentences out, and I don't really remember what I wrote and I don't want to reread it for fear that it makes no sense. I just remember panicking, and feeling fragmented and confused.

 

I've realized, more or less, why this happens. If I even perceive some sort of rejection, it sends me into a tailspin. On the outside I'm pretty sure I become aloof, distant and maybe even a little snippy, but I'm really just incredibly hurt and terrified of something that may or may not have even happened. My sense of self shatters until the rejection is corrected or goes away. I can not work out why I'm so incredibly sensitive. I can only retroactively examine it and recognize the pattern between all the times I've felt like that. I have no idea how to correct it without encouraging some sort of split personality.

 

When my ex/boyfriend stopped talking to me in October, I spent so much time wallowing, completely alone that I became agoraphobic, obsessed with self injury, and after a month or so I started noticing that I felt split into 2 distinct personalities. I had me, the adult and the protector, and I had a little me, who was an innocent child that I was shielding from the world. I know multiple personalities is widely regarded as a myth at this point, and from the descriptions of it that's not even what it was. It was more of a defense mechanism. I was wounded, I was constantly beating myself up, and I had no one I could rely on. So I ended up taking care of myself. The self injury became part of the protector, and it became "for my own good." A way of soothing myself, and a way to feel sorry for the hurt child in me. It was a very weird relationship. I never imagined I would fall that hard over something like someone leaving me. Hopefully that was the only nervous breakdown I'll have, I got it out of the way, and now I'm better prepared for it. Looking back, it wasn't just him leaving me, it was a build up of everything wrong in my life from when I was a small child till then, and I just... couldn't process it. So I detached and became unstable and dysfunctional.

 

 

I feel much better now that I'm working this stuff out on my own, now that its a little farther in the past, and I can look more objectively, with a much healthier mindset.

[NightLily]

I figured that only I had such extensive "conversations" with myself. I am pretty sure if you took an average of how many hours I am doing that it would pretty strongly correlate with how depressed I am. Unless of course I'm to the point of laying there like a dead person.

 

Cheers

[paintedfish]

I'm sorry, Suzy. And no, I have fairly in depth conversations with myself.

 

Actually, when I was younger, I used to talk to my dad in the car because I thought he had bugged it to monitor me and what I say. I would test it out by saying some pretty nasty things to him and see if he got mad at me at any point for no reason. Never did, that I remember. I think I was being paranoid. But not crazy, because my entire house WAS bugged, and I've found a lot of them, and then the next week they disappear. My dad has a shed that's full of VCRs and tapes from a while ago. We aren't allowed out there, but I remember my mom sneaking over to my dad's house one day while he was at work and breaking into the shed and burning all his disgusting porn and his videos from the house in a huge bonfire. Needless to say she isn't allowed anywhere near his neighborhood anymore.

 

Ahhhh, youth.

[NightLily]

^ Sounds like that would make a pretty good movie. Bet you could write one based off your life. Either that or a whole novel