I Have Become Insecure.

[b11]

I have become insecure.

Years ago, I was in an unhealthy codependant LTR that ended and left me devastated. It took me awhile and a lot of reading on this site, but I built up my self-confidence and was very happy with myself.

 

10 months after the breakup, I began a new relationship with a very cool girl. She is very chill, very easygoing. Very undemanding. Things were going great. I was confident despite many attempts by her ex to rekindle their relationship. I knew she cared about me.

 

She went to Spain for a month about four months into our relationship. We spoke for only minutes a day, and I wasn't getting much attention from her. She had a cell phone but couldn't call out, so I was forced to call her. She was often away from her phone when she told me to call and would miss my calls, and I was often unable to reach her.

 

She's been back for about 5 months now, and I have spiraled into insecurity. She is forgetful and careless and forgets to call me back sometimes. Other times she cancels plans, and her canceling messes up my schedule.

 

These actions feed my insecurity and leaves me feeling as if she does not care about me. I know that her actions aren't fair to me, but I don't handle them well. I end up looking like a needy, dependent baby.

 

Thanks for reading. Please offer any and all advice. I need it.

[littlestar]

I think the question here is WHY has she change? What has caused these changes? It's one thing coming accross as a needy and dependent baby but it's a whole different kettle of fish when she isnt paying you any attention and not treating you the way u deserve to be treated.

[Zeitgeist]

What I think is that she's going through uncertainty with regards to her ex. Wondering if she made a mistake. Wondering if it could be fixed and her emotional investment could be saved. You're too available so she doesn't worry about losing you. If you press the issue by trying to alleviate your insecurity, she will only run away faster. The only thing you can do is to give her a little breathing room. Back off, don't initiate calls, and don't look for reassurances from her. The anxiety's going to hurt and there's no guarantee she'll come back to you even if she leaves her ex, but you really don't have a choice.

[b11]

I'm not sure where it started, but I think it was after she came back from Spain. She feels as if I'll always be there and takes that for granted, while I want to spend a bunch of time with her. I appear needy, and she is put off by that.

[littlestar]

I'm not sure where it started, but I think it was after she came back from Spain. She feels as if I'll always be there and takes that for granted, while I want to spend a bunch of time with her. I appear needy, and she is put off by that.

 

Maybe she has different expectations of this relationship. Perhaps you and her are wanting 2 different things from the relationship and arent fulfilling each others needs?

[b11]

What I think is that she's going through uncertainty with regards to her ex. Wondering if she made a mistake. Wondering if it could be fixed and her emotional investment could be saved. You're too available so she doesn't worry about losing you. If you press the issue by trying to alleviate your insecurity, she will only run away faster. The only thing you can do is to give her a little breathing room. Back off, don't initiate calls, and don't look for reassurances from her. The anxiety's going to hurt and there's no guarantee she'll come back to you even if she leaves her ex, but you really don't have a choice.

 

I don't think this is it. He has moved away, and even when he was around she expressed no interest in seeing him.

[b11]

Maybe she has different expectations of this relationship. Perhaps you and her are wanting 2 different things from the relationship and arent fulfilling each others needs?

 

I think this is part of it.

[Zeitgeist]

When did her and the ex breakup? How long were they together?

 

Whether or not the ex is a factor not, you still have to be less available.

[Rosee]

It's hard to be objective about ourselves but do you think you are 'too needy' or do you think you feel or appear that way soley because of the way she's been treating you?

 

I agree with some of the other posters that it would be a good idea to back off a bit and use that time to work on building yourself up again like you did before so you're in a position of strength with yourself and so you'll be okay if things don't happen to work out.

[catfeeder]

The person to whom the relationship matters less has the power.

 

Have you ever heard that? It's tricky, I know, because you can't exactly talk yourself out of feeling what you feel--but you can avoid the most unsexy position of all: becoming insecure and being taken for granted.

 

Nothing can correct a power imbalance, there's one in every relationship, although the one with more power can choose to equalize things out of legitimate respect and love for the other. But when that's not happening, and the less powerful partner feels disregarded, there's limited options: take it (with or without complaint) or leave it.

 

Bottom line: she can't miss you if you won't go away.

[MercuryRetro]

These actions feed my insecurity and leaves me feeling as if she does not care about me. I know that her actions aren't fair to me, but I don't handle them well. I end up looking like a needy, dependent baby.

 

Find something else to do besides obsess about her. Figure out what you enjoy in life and focus on doing that as much as possible. What you need to find is something that you can give yourself, that you can do for yourself, that makes you completely forget about her while you're doing it. Something you look forward to doing. Something you control.