dds10 Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 I am a fairly good artist, but I haven't had time to really enjoy my hobby these past couple years due to being in a demanding graduate program. Recently I've had a little more free time so decided to pick it up again. I really enjoy drawing faces/portraits and have drawn them for people in the past, receiving very enthusiastic responses. My boyfriend has never witnessed my drawing skills, so I decided to surprise him by drawing a portrait of him. I really put a lot of time and effort into it (about 10-12 hours), but more importantly it was the feelings that I created it with. I draw portraits out of love and to commemorate people who are important to me. I surprised him with it yesterday and he thought I have amazing talent and really liked it, but then later he said he couldn't really look at it because he felt "creeped out by looking at a very accurate drawing of him staring back at him." He mentioned that he may give it to his parents. I said the point was for you to have it, I don't expect you to hang it up on your wall or anything but at least keep it. He said he would but that he can't look at it. At that point, I felt like I wasted a lot of effort for nothing. Although he kept saying he liked it, I could tell he didn't want it. Saying the things he did undermined all the love and effort I put into creating this for him. Obviously my feelings were hurt. He felt bad, but he also has an overwhelming sense of guilt and he resented the fact that "he had to feel guilty about being honest." He also said that if being honest leads him into situations like this (me acting distant) then he'd feel compelled to start lying. I thought it was so unfair for him to turn this around on me and try to make me feel bad because he felt guilty. This has happened in other situations in our relationship. He does or says something that hurts my feelings, and then because my feelings are hurt, I clam up and become a little distant, then he feels guilty about it, then I feel bad because I feel like I'm making him feel bad. It's an endless cycle. Yes, he should be able to be honest about anything, but I should also be able to be honest when something has hurt my feelings. I feel like this cycle will make me start walking around on eggshells, and be afraid to express my feelings for fear that he'll go through a guilt trip. Any thoughts? Link to comment
DN Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 I am not sure that I would want a portrait of myself to be honest. To hang it in my own space would look some what self-absorbed. But then I don't much like photos of myself being prominent either. The only ones I have are family portraits where I am with someone else. I also see what he means about being worried if he is honest about this sort of thing in the future. Either he lies or he may have to do things he otherwise doesn't want to. Suppose he cooked a meal with steak and shrimp and champagne. But you don't like steak, shrimp and champagne - would you tell him or eat and drink anyway knowing that because you are faking liking them - he may do it again? Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 First of all about the picture, is he the self-conscious type? If he is or has low self-esteem, that could be why he has trouble looking at the picture. If he doesn't like what he sees when he looks in the mirror, that's kind of what the picture may be like to him. He's not seeing it in the way that you made it, which was a very sweet and loving thing to do. About the guilt trip, he's being unfair. You both have the right to express yourself and you shouldn't have to hold back feelings because he doesn't want to deal with them. It's completely unfair of him to say that he can say whatever he wants in the name of honesty, but you are not allowed to have an honest reaction to that. I think you need to point this out to him. Link to comment
dds10 Posted November 27, 2008 Author Share Posted November 27, 2008 I am not sure that I would want a portrait of myself to be honest. To hang it in my own space would look some what self-absorbed. I told him straight up I didn't expect him to hang it up somewhere. Why wouldn't he at least want to keep it? It's not like I bought him something and he didn't like it. I made something from my heart and soul... Link to comment
dds10 Posted November 27, 2008 Author Share Posted November 27, 2008 First of all about the picture, is he the self-conscious type? If he is or has low self-esteem, that could be why he has trouble looking at the picture. If he doesn't like what he sees when he looks in the mirror, that's kind of what the picture may be like to him. He's not seeing it in the way that you made it, which was a very sweet and loving thing to do. About the guilt trip, he's being unfair. You both have the right to express yourself and you shouldn't have to hold back feelings because he doesn't want to deal with them. It's completely unfair of him to say that he can say whatever he wants in the name of honesty, but you are not allowed to have an honest reaction to that. I think you need to point this out to him. He doesn't have low self-esteem, but he I guess he's doesn't really like photos of himself. You made some good points about the guilt trip thing. I will definitely have to express this to him. Thanks. Link to comment
DN Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 He said he liked it and that you have amazing talent. But that he felt creeped out by it. He acknowledged your efforts but he can't help how he feels - that is about him and not about you. I understand that you are hurt but this isn't that he doesn't like what you did or doesn't appreciate it. It's just that the actual image is disturbing to him. Let's assume for a moment that you had painted a beautiful picture of a windmill and presented it to him - but, unknown to you, he has some sort of phobia about windmills since being frightened by one as a child. He would appreciate the gift because it was made with love, he could admire the artistry and the technique. But he couldn't keep it because every time he looked at it it would bring on that phobia. That would be about him and his phobia, not about you and the gift you created for him. It seems to me this is a similar thing - it's not that he doesn't appreciate what the gift represents - he just doesn't like an image of himself like that. Link to comment
dds10 Posted November 27, 2008 Author Share Posted November 27, 2008 I still think it's weird, but after reading your post I better understand where he is coming from. I can't help the fact that I felt hurt by his reaction, but on the same token he can't help the way he felt about it. It sucks, but I can't do anything about it. Thanks for your input! Link to comment
DN Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 So - why don't you do this - ask for it back and tell him you will replace it by a self-portrait of you. That way you have a unique memento of each other. Link to comment
The Undead Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 Ha! some people don't like you knowing their secrets, if you caught a certain look or something that may suggest a side of you that he has not shown you but that you guessed at?! Scorpio people are like that, they want to 'psyche' you out but don't like it when you 'see' into their soul. Link to comment
Acrial Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 I think it's him being weird haha. Anyway, it's the thought that counts! Also I'm in school to become an illustrator, I'd like to see some of your work, other portraits. Maybe I can tell you what about your style is "creeping him out" haha. Link to comment
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