Can an affair turn into a serious relationship?

[wickedbusa]

Jesus... That's one of the most jacked up stories I've heard on here. Sorry you had to go through that, man. But you seem to have gotten over it, right?

It was painful, especially when friends would ask me, " Hey, how's your baby coming along? ", or "When is the babdy due?" It was humiliating for me to tell them that my wife cheated and that the baby wasn't mine. I was so proud that I was going to have my first child.

 

But, I got over it. It was difficult, but slowly, day by day, I came to come to terms with what had happened. I'm still afraid that it's going to happen to me again someday...

[Busto]

It was painful, especially when friends would ask me, " Hey, how's your baby coming along? ", or "When is the babdy due?" It was humiliating for me to tell them that my wife cheated and that the baby wasn't mine. I was so proud that I was going to have my first child.

 

But, I got over it. It was difficult, but slowly, day by day, I came to come to terms with what had happened. I'm still afraid that it's going to happen to me again someday...

I can imagine... But you're a strong individual, that's pretty obvious, because you dealt with it, and you're here to share your story.

 

I think that's something most people who get cheated on have to deal with for a very, very long time - the fear that it could happen again. I know I will. That's why I hate infidelity so much, it has ruined so much for me. I used to be an extremely trusting person, almost to the point of gullibility. I actually liked that part of my personality. Now, I'm not so sure. I hope I can find my way back though. I refuse to become a bitter person because of this * * * * .

[DelG]

I want to chime in here and say that I was with my GF for nearly 10 years..She cheated on me 3 times with the same guy...I never ever cheated once, I cant say I did not have the chance or that I did not want to, but I never.

 

I am at the point now where I really don't care about it anymore..I even helped her with her new relationship and as crazy as it sounds actually feel sorry for the guy she cheated on me with because he was so young and stupid and he really fell in love with her. She just used him..

 

I also think the when cheating is based on the fact that your partner has REALLY REALLY fallen in love with another person there is little you can do about it.. I mean remember the feelings you had when you fell in love with them? You just cant help it. I agree that you should not do it but its also hard not too.

 

Don't get me wrong Its hard and its painful, but cheating is and has always been a fact of life and relationships. I'm not saying its OK but one must be realistic.

 

Sometimes for no reason or for reasons you cant explain it can happen..and it can be devastating. I also don't believe that once a cheat always a cheat. I think affairs don't work out mainly due to guilt and fear. I do think that those involved in what I would call "in-Love affairs" can work and what happens in one relationship should not be carried over to the next. If you must play with fire you must be confident enough to make it work and believe it will work!! otherwise don't have one.

 

There are many reasons for affairs and ones that are based on such things as lust/sex/just being needy...are rather stupid. But if two people genuinely fall in love then yes its wrong and yes it hurts people but ultimately it was not meant to be and the a new relationship will blossom and it should not be judged IMHO! and the sad fact is people should leave before they start it...but that in its self is another topic.

 

I want to say... I don't condone it but in some cases... the right is wrong...

 

Jason

[Busto]

I agree. People fall in and out of love all the time. If they have the decency to break it off with their partner before pursuing the other person, I have no problem with it. But when my girlfriend goes behind my back for two months (that I know of) while telling me she loves me and talking about buying a house in the future, I'm going to hate her for it. What hurt me the most was the constant lying to my face. I had to find out myself, and when I did, our whole relationship up until that point felt like a big waste of time, it felt dirty.

[DelG]

I agree. People fall in and out of love all the time. If they have the decency to break it off with their partner before pursuing the other person, I have no problem with it. But when my girlfriend goes behind my back for two months (that I know of) while telling me she loves me and talking about buying a house in the future, I'm going to hate her for it. What hurt me the most was the constant lying to my face. I had to find out myself, and when I did, our whole relationship up until that point felt like a big waste of time, it felt dirty.

 

I felt the same..Its horrible but once you look to the reasons for it as painful as it is.. There is no point in being upset all do is drag yourself down..You only live once and the show must go on..

 

Jason

[Lissy]

I think it's possible, but not very likely. If an affair happens because the two people involved genuinely fall in love, maybe they have a shot at long term happiness. I'm not condoning the behavior in that case at all, I still think it's a reprehensible thing to do. But that would be the only way I could ever see it having a shot in hell of lasting. The sad truth is, most people don't cheat because they've simply fallen in love with someone else. It's usually for a host of other reasons that have nothing to do with love.

 

My ex cheated on me and is still seeing the woman he cheated with. He says she is the love of his life and he wants to spend his life with her. But when I found out about his infidelity (no, he didn't have the decency to tell me), he tried to deny it until the end. There was no declaration of his love for her until after I told him I was leaving. I also happen to know that he has been seeing other women (his affair is a LDR - she lives over 1,000 miles away so there's no way for her to catch him) and he is maintaining a profile on a dating website. That doesn't sound like a man who has found the love of his life. I think he only says that because he doesn't want to feel like a bad person. If he convinces himself that he really loves this woman, then all the hurt he caused wasn't for nothing. The sad thing is, his actions don't match his words and this woman will find out sooner or later. So even if someone involved in an affair says they're in love, it doesn't make it so.

[CleanSlate]

My sister's ex-husband is now married to the one he had an affair with. He is still a jerk, though. He talks bad about my sister and her family to their kids. I think if he was truly happy, he would just be nice about what he did. But, maybe people with no morals find it hard to be giving. He didn't even say "sorry." Instead, he's still calling her names.

So to answer that, YEAH, I guess it could work.

[lady00]

I feel the true success stories are few and far between. There are some famous couples who started out this way. Who knows if they are happy, but for some they have gone on to be together for many years, have children etc and they look very committed to each other from the outside.

[Imprecision]

Some tips

 

1. Don't push her to break up with her current boyfriend. Instead, just flirt with her aggressively every time you see her.

 

You are her "escape." Use this to your full advantage. Don't bore her with your "issues."

 

2. Never be her doormat. You should act slightly contemptuous of her.

 

3. Don't hide your interest. She knows you want her. She enjoys the attention.

 

4. Recognise her tests. For instance, if she gets mad at you randomly, then cut her off for a while. Or take a firm stand, disapproving of her actions.

 

There are many types of tests. For instance, if she says, "You're too irresponsible. I can never be with you." Then, you should pretend to be offended and declare that you're a responsible person.

 

5. Make her feel like she's a "bad girl." Girls love this. Even accountant girls want to be bad, lol.

 

6. Don't pay for her.

 

7. Flirt with other girls, too. Date other girls; sleep with other girls. Pick up other girls in front of her.

 

8. Be patient. This might take months.

 

The key

 

You have to project the appearance of depth. You do this by being sometimes serious, e.g. studying hard, working hard; sometimes frivolous, e.g. playful, flirtatious; sometimes absolutely in love with her; sometimes contemptuous of her; sometimes wanting only her body; sometimes interested in her as a person, etc.

 

Conclusion

 

This can be very fun for you. So far as I've gathered from your posts, the "other guy" doesn't care if she sees other guys. This is the best scenario.

 

Well, I wish you luck.

[BusyNAbroad]

Thanks Imprecision... your advice is truly very precious here. Objective, action-based and focused on results.

 

Just wanted to make sure you read the last update

 

 

(I think I did a few mistakes there I think...)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thanks Imprecision... your advice is truly very precious here. Objective, action-based and focused on results.

 

Just wanted to make sure you read the last update

 

 

(I think I did a few mistakes there I think...)

 

I looked at the post you linked to. It seems like she got what she came for..Illicit, forbidden sex making it all the more mindblowing...then she was exhausted, satiated, and going back to her real partner to do the real life things. You were her nice little escape from reality..and whenever she needs that escape, you are there for her. It seems like you don't mind being used as a male prostitute..because that is exactly the way she is using you. If she ever left her partner for you (which clearly doesn't seem likely considering her cold demeanor towards you once she was sexually satiated), things will probably go stale at some point in your relationship and she will be off having mind-blowing sex with someone else while you are at home, at work, on a business trip, visiting your sick relative etc. Be carefuly what you wish for...because you will end up being cheated on by her if you ever land up with her.

[Busto]

Thanks Imprecision... your advice is truly very precious here. Objective, action-based and focused on results.

 

Just wanted to make sure you read the last update

 

 

(I think I did a few mistakes there I think...)

Dude, you're being so played. She's using you like a sex toy.

[Lissy]

I recently read a statistic about this. It said the chances of having a successful relationship born out of infidelity is not even one in 100. I found that very interesting, as I assumed it was quite low, but I'd never seen a number put to it before. Of course, the source of that statistic was Dr. Phil, so take from it what you will. LOL.

[D_Lish]

I have never met a couple who sprung out of cheating last more than a year or two at best.

Most cheating couples don't even get as far as marriage- Once the "excitement" wears off or the reality sets in, they are gone in a flash.

 

The ones that do make it to marriage rarely last more than a year or two, if that. The main reason- There's too many trust issues that never go away.

 

Hmmm, well my dad cheated and hes still with the other woman....been with her nearly thirty years...

 

And my ex cheated...married her and they've been married over two years.

 

Affairs happen, in exact same way as 'normal' relationships happen, two people meet and are attracted.....and a great many relationships started between two people who aren't attached, don't last either...

 

Just because a relationship is bourne out of infidelity, doesn't mean it is automatically doomed to failure.

[tangi39]

I'm not saying it's impossible- but statistically speaking, it's very rare.

 

I was just speaking from the ones I've seen. Trust is usually the biggest issue that comes up because the partner has already seen them break it with their spouse. Well, when they become the spouse, it is difficult to rely on their word that they will remain faithful.

[lady00]

Hmmm, well my dad cheated and hes still with the other woman....been with her nearly thirty years...

 

And my ex cheated...married her and they've been married over two years.

 

Affairs happen, in exact same way as 'normal' relationships happen, two people meet and are attracted.....and a great many relationships started between two people who aren't attached, don't last either...

 

Just because a relationship is bourne out of infidelity, doesn't mean it is automatically doomed to failure.

 

Right, I don't think anyone said it can't or doesn't happen or that it's doomed. But there are issues that are sometimes there that just aren't there with couples that do not start off with infidelity and they are very hard to deal with. Sometimes the couples overcome these issues.

[Jnyce2010]

If you are both dishonest in your immediate relationships, the past is a great predictor of the future. Chances are once you all grow exhausted with the thrill, you all will be knocking on other people's doors..

[scornandtorn]

This link is a post from a very wise person on the matter, in another forum I frequent. link removed

 

These words are golden.

[tangi39]

That post is amazing !

[D_Lish]

Right, I don't think anyone said it can't or doesn't happen or that it's doomed. But there are issues that are sometimes there that just aren't there with couples that do not start off with infidelity and they are very hard to deal with. Sometimes the couples overcome these issues.

 

I just got the impression that Tangi was saying they are all automatically doomed to failure....and they aren't. Wouldn't it be great if they were??

 

When I first split with my ex H, I would visit a forum amd all I would hear is:

 

'It won't be long before he's back, once the 'fantasy' bubble bursts and everyday real life sets in'...

'He's in a 'fog'...

'Their relationship isn't real'...

'These relationships don't and wont last'

 

Course their relationships are real.....they start out exact same way as relationships do, between two people who aren't attached....they meet, are attracted and some fall in love. Being married, doesn't make us immune from being attracted too/or falling in love with other people...

 

And I think that if two people meet and have an affair and it doesn't last, chances are it wouldn't have lasted, had these two people met and they weren't attached either.

 

Like you said, yeah there are issues there and in an affair, that are not there between two unattached people - but unattached people in a relationship can also encounter problems and issues also. Two people who are determined to be together and in whatever circumstance will overcome those issues and their relationship will last.

[Lissy]

scornandtorn, thank you for that link. It was very insightful!

 

DLish, I have to disagree. I think timing in a relationship is very important. When two people have an affair, it is not the same as starting a relationship under "normal" circumstances. Do they have the same chances of success or failure? I don't know the statistics on that, but I have to believe that a relationship started when both people are in emotionally healthy states of mind has a better shot at success. I think it is very difficult to sustain a relationship that is founded on lies and deceit. There will almost always be trust issues. Yes, couples that begin relationships when they are both unattached can come into some of the same issues in time. But the difference is, they aren't there from the beginning. Those issues that come with infidelity are very serious and most people are not strong enough to overcome them. And I have to wonder whether those that do stay together really did clear those hurdles or if the link above is more accurate and they only stayed together to prove something to themselves.

[lynzo]

am in the same boat!

I am under the impression people have affairs to be somebody different, someone better, if you want her-find out her dreams (make sure you like the sound of them) and strive to give her everthing to make them happen.

But at the end of the day its her life and her agenda may throw out all your plans!

Be careful what you wish for and good luck.

[RobD70]

I recently read a statistic about this. It said the chances of having a successful relationship born out of infidelity is not even one in 100. I found that very interesting, as I assumed it was quite low, but I'd never seen a number put to it before. Of course, the source of that statistic was Dr. Phil, so take from it what you will. LOL.

 

Last I saw the stats where like:

 

97% of affairs die within 2 years

The few that marry their affair partner have a 75% divorce rate.

 

I don't remember the links to the study.

[Kantriakhor]

Finally some positive stories

 

No, I'm not really involved in an affair, but something very similar. Perhaps I can put it this way: a woman has an affair with me, but never tells me that it is an affair (actually giving me the idea that I'm in a relationship with her).

 

So you *want* a partner that is morally bankrupt? You both are okay with cheating, and she's proven capable of cheating. She likely will cheat on you, you may even cheat on her seeing as you're okay with it.

 

Can it happen? Yes.

Is it probable? No.

Will it be healthy? Relationships based on a lie/hurting another person will never be healthy. There will be trust issues down the road that you may not be able to get over because, after all, she's shown she can, and will, cheat.

[Kantriakhor]

I also think the when cheating is based on the fact that your partner has REALLY REALLY fallen in love with another person there is little you can do about it.. I mean remember the feelings you had when you fell in love with them? You just cant help it. I agree that you should not do it but its also hard not too.

 

Don't get me wrong Its hard and its painful, but cheating is and has always been a fact of life and relationships. I'm not saying its OK but one must be realistic.

 

Sometimes for no reason or for reasons you cant explain it can happen..

 

Poor guy, she really disillusioned you.

 

Cheating doesn't have to be a fact of life or relationships. Cheating isn't an arbitrary force that can/will happen no matter what. Cheating is a choice, the reasons are irrelevant because it's a choice to cheat. Cheating is a verb, not a noun, not an event, not something you can distance yourself from. It's an active choice, an action one decides to undertake.