Alcohol abuse by son

[blackgnat]

Son,19,doesn't work, just got sentenced to 2 years probation for possession of heroin-was lucky to get off so leniently. Thought this might make him turn around, but he is drinking all day-friends (that I have banned from the house) provide him with booze when I am at work...

 

At my wit's end. He's bipolar but won't take meds. is very manipulative, often threatens suicide and genuinely seems to want to die, but in my opinion, hasn't started living. Dropped out of High School 2 years ago, has only done 3 months of work in another state-came back to live with me so that he could hook up with drug addicted friends and get constant supply. Landed him in the above mentioned trouble with the law.

 

Father lives in another state-not at all involved with kids.

 

ANy suggestions? NOT kicking him out,so with all due respect, that's not what I need to hear.

 

As I type this, he and his friend are passed out on Jack Daniels and Coke in my basement. Son is aggressive and violent when drunk, so I just want to hide in my room and maybe shop at the mall so I can avoid him.

 

Hell, hell, hell, my home life is hell. He's rarely sober enough to reason with.

[lostandhurt]

Maybe jail time might have helped him. Talk to his probation officer and see if there is a treatment program he should be attending. I am surprised that some sort of program wasn't a condition of his probation. It sounds like he has already violated his probation so be careful what you tell his probation officer or he will end up sending him in. Ultimately you can't force him to clean up and quit hanging around his loser friends, it has to be his choice.

It does sound like you are enabling him to continue his lifestyle though. I know parents that took the keys to house from their son and while they were at work or away he had to stay outside or go somewhere else. He and his friends were stealing them blind and ruining their house. They made sure he had a place to sleep every night and food to eat and helped him clean up when he chose to but that was it.

Are you concerned that he might influence your other children into his lifestyle?

I think your best option would be a support group in your area and connect with other parents that have been through the same things and know what works and what doesn't. I wish you all the best.

 

lost

[Snoopy24]

If he is on probation, doesn't his officer check on him regularly?

 

If it's as bad as you say it is, I think you should send him to an impatient drug rehab. If he is on probation, they will mandate him there. I know it's not something you want to do, but if he was messing with drugs like heroin and drinking hard liquor everyday, I think he needs more help than you could possibly give him. You need to get him away from his lifestyle he is living, and get him professional help.

[KG]

^^I'm with the above....as a parent, you have to help him, even if he doesn't want to help himself.

[avman]

He needs to be in a treatment program. But honestly that probably won't help him until he hits rock bottom and is motivated to change his behavior. Right now he has absolutely no reason to do anything. You take care of all his needs. He has food, a home, plenty of spare time.

 

You said you don't want to hear that you should kick him out. Well are you prepared to keep supporting him indefinitely if he won't go to treatment and change? Unless you are completely prepared to do what it takes to get him to change then he has no reason to do anything differently.

[Syntax1985]

does he realise what impact hes having on your life? - no.

Like others have said, you take care of all his needs, at the moment his life is like it was when he was a child - with no school. everything's fun and games at your expense but he probably doesn't realise that.

 

have you tried talking to him and letting him know what hes putting you through? what impact its having on your life? and how hes causing you "Hell, hell, hell, my home life is hell" ?. i know you said he's rarely sober enough to reason with, so youd have to catch him after he wakes up. ~ just a thought.

[blackgnat]

Thanks for the replies. There isn't ANYTHING I haven't said to him and he is all promises when he is sober.

 

He's been to rehab 3 times. The real world awaits, however and back he goes. The last time, they admitted him and we were later informed that he wasn't covered after all, so the bill was over $11,000. Needless to say, it hasn't been paid.Nor will it be. I don't believe other rehabs will admit him, knowing that he owes so much and isn't covered by insurance.

 

Re: Probation-he just got sentenced last Monday and he hasn't heard from a probation officer yet. Not sure how that works. I have NO problem suggesting that getting a job be part of his probation, but what say do I have in it? Legally, he's an adult. Alcohol and drug evaluation and counselling are part of his probation, actually, but he's been there, done that. He has to pass drug tests, but alcohol isn't what they're testing him for, so right now, that's his drug of choice.

 

I take your points that I am enabling him by providing the comforts of home, but I am his mother. I honestly do not get people who advocate kicking their kids out. It's just not practical. How do I make him leave? He's bigger than me! He's not above smashing a window to get back in the house.

 

I don't want it to seem like I'm pouring cold water on the suggestions, but I really feel I've tried everything and I don't know who to turn to. He has to have his drug evaluation done on Nov.4th, so maybe that will turn something around. In the meantime, I have to live with the horror on a daily basis.

[KG]

Are there any family members who could intervene on your behalf? You said they aren't testing for alcohol, why not? That is usually a violation of probation.

[avman]

I take your points that I am enabling him by providing the comforts of home, but I am his mother.

 

I understand that you are his mother, but can you see that there are times when coddling someone is not in their best interest? Telling your son to get off his ass and be a man doesn't mean you don't love him anymore. It does mean you expect him to take responsibility for himself.

 

I'm going to tell you a story about my aunt. She has a son who is 51, ten years older than me. And he is the worst excuse for a human being I have ever seen. He has no job. She pays for his rent, food, and everything. He lost his drivers license 10 years ago and never bothered to try to get it reinstated. So she was driving him everywhere until this year when she is now unable to drive herself (she is 84). He drinks, has 8 or 9 DWIs, does drugs, and lives like a slob. And never once has she held him accountable for anything. She barely can buy her own medication because she gives all her money to her son. And he just squanders it.

 

And she says the exact same thing - "I'm his mother, what else can I do?"

 

The answer is you can do plenty. You can stop fulfilling his every need and letting him take advantage of you. Give him a time limit to go get a job and pay rent, either that or he's out of the house. You most certainly can kick him out. If he tries to come back in you call the police and have him arrested.

 

These are not going to be easy things to do, but would you prefer living the way you are now? Doing nothing is even worse and it does not help your son.

 

I would recommend you attend a local Al-Anon meeting near you. That group is for families of addicts. I think you will find tremendous support and encouragement there. Also you will be able to talk to other families that are in exactly the same situation you are. They will have a unique understanding that others will not. And I'm sure they will also be able to offer suggestions that will be very appropriate for your situation.

[blackgnat]

Avman, as I said, there is NOTHING I haven't said to this kid. I'm the poster child for telling it like it is...

 

BUT it's the end of the day now and he is now in the psych ward of our local mental hospital. The drinking and verbal abuse got worse as the day progressed. He threatened to kill me. I got the chance to get in my car and leave-he came after me and tried to get in. I sped off down the road.

 

Next thing, I'm talking to the cops on my mobile. HE HAD CALLED THEM because he was worried that I wasn't going to be safe in my car. They determined that he was a psych emergency and he was taken away in an ambulance.

[avman]

Avman, as I said, there is NOTHING I haven't said to this kid. I'm the poster child for telling it like it is...

 

I understand that. But those are words. I'm talking about actions. You have to be willing to back up your words and your son has to experience true consequences.

 

I'm actually very glad to see he is in the hospital. At least he can be properly evaluated now and you can get some medical recommendations. You can't continue to live like this. It is too dangerous and it will continue to wear on your physical and mental health.

 

I know you love your son. That is what makes these things so very difficult to do. But just remember that you do them because you love your son. And not because you have stopped loving him.

[blackgnat]

KG, no there are no family members close by. I am not from the USA and all my family is overseas. His father lives 1,500 miles away.

 

I think if we had had an extended family around us, things would have been massively different, in a good way.

 

Avman, I agree that this can't go on and am hoping for an epiphany on his part. I am visiting him in a couple of hours-the problem is that he won't take his meds. I am visiting my home country in a couple of days and he and his brother will be on their own for a couple of days while I am gone (their father is staying with them but he won't be in town for 4 days after I leave) so I hope that they keep him in hospital until then.

 

Spoke to him this morning-of course, he is remorseful and vows to change. We'll see. But I cannot go on as before, so hopefully this time away from him will produce change in attitude for him and a mental clarity for a viable solution for me.