Nice guy but a "loser"

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Unless his parents are independently wealthy and will leave him a large trust fund when they die, his parents are not doing him any favors by continuing to let him live with them and not work at age 27.

 

He may be 'sweet' but he is used to be taken care of. Unless you want to be his sugar mama for the rest of your life and support him and not feel bad about that, i wouldn't consider a serious relationship with someone who hasn't ever taken care of himself by age 27. If there is family money to justify this then perhaps he will be OK, but if they are just normal in terms of finances and willing to keep footing the bill, he will be lost and unable to support himself unless someone else takes care of him.

 

If you want an equal partner in a relationship, don't go for this guy.

[Mayday11]

Yea, there's no excuse for him not having a job and living at his parent's house at the age of 27.

 

I'm in a band that I would absolutely love to make as my sole source of income, but it's very far from being that. I work very hard at it and spend as much time as I can working on it. I also have two jobs and definitely do not live at my parent's.

 

Believe me, I'm all about following your dreams and wanting to do what makes you happy. I've spent way more late nights than I care to mention slaving away for music, haha. But, music is a very, very competitive industry and it would be foolish to assume that making money off of it is a given. He's really gotta start pulling his own weight.

 

I know a number of other serious musicians, as well, and they all have full time jobs and their own place. It's completely and totally 100% possible.

[chilledsugar]

We dated five years ago and have been talking a lot lately.

 

Ok so he's 27, starting a band, no job, lives with his parents, but is super sweet and cute. He truly believes he will be famous.

 

I am finishing my degree, have a great job, and have been single for way too long.

 

Should I overlook the "loser" qualities and focus on the fact that he is a really good guy?

 

If you really really like dhim you wouldnt be judging him with the word loser at all.

Single for way too long ?

No go find and marry yourself off to some dull corporate type.

[shikashika]

If you really really like dhim you wouldnt be judging him with the word loser at all.

Single for way too long ?

No go find and marry yourself off to some dull corporate type.

 

so the opposite of this guy (i.e, anyone who has a job!!) is a dull corporate type??

 

are we hitting a nerve here?? hmnnn...

[DropToZero]

so the opposite of this guy (i.e, anyone who has a job!!) is a dull corporate type??

 

are we hitting a nerve here?? hmnnn...

 

No I think he means he takes offense to being called a "loser" if that's what he pursues. Just b/c someone wants to work their way up a corporate ladder, make a bunch of money and a name for themself, doesn't make them a "winner" in my mind... that's their dream, let them do it, it may not be his or mine though.

 

The key is, as long as you're working toward the goal you truly want... you're a winner. If this man she is dating has not been truly working for it, then he's not going to go anywhere, no one else will make his dream come true for him... then she may wish to let him be and find another... or he may drag her to his level in laziness.

[shikashika]

No I think he means he takes offense to being called a "loser" if that's what he pursues. Just b/c someone wants to work their way up a corporate ladder, make a bunch of money and a name for themself, doesn't make them a "winner" in my mind... that's their dream, let them do it, it may not be his or mine though.

 

The key is, as long as you're working toward the goal you truly want... you're a winner. If this man she is dating has not been truly working for it, then he's not going to go anywhere, no one else will make his dream come true for him... then she may wish to let him be and find another... or he may drag her to his level in laziness.

 

No one is saying that you are all of a sudden a 'winner' if you have a corporate job.

 

he is being just as bad by saying that if anyone is climbing the corporate ladder they must be 'dull'. Some of the most interesting people i know, including those in the corporate world...

 

1. have a varied life

2. have lots of interests

3. HAVE A JOB!!!!!!

 

Thats the main thing, its nice to have passions and follow dreams, but not when you are doing it on the backs of others!!!!

 

I don't believe this guy is a winner if he continues to let his parents support him when he is 3 years shy of 30!! Any decent person would not do that.

 

I also don't think its fair, if as you put it, "as long as you're working toward the goal you truly want... you're a winner"

This guy is working towards something, yes, but he should be abele to support himself and put his dream on the backburner while he pays rent and buys food.

 

We all have passions and dreams... if you asked most people what they love the most, I bet only a small percentage would say, " I love more job more than anyone else and more than anything else"

 

We would much RATHER be spending our day painting, or cycling, or knitting.. or whatever.. And, there are a few people who do make it big with art or sports.

 

Most of them time when you read about people who made it big, they did not have the luxury of having mummy and daddy pay for them. They worked night shift at a factory then played with the band during the day or trained in the afternoon.

 

In fact, I believe, because it was tough for them, thats why they made it big. I think his parents are doing him a big disservice by letting him live there rent free, education free and job free. Maybe if he had to make it on his own, he would put more effort into his dream of music and getting a job/ more education. The longer he stays out of the workforce, who's going to hire him?

[DropToZero]

LoL... you pretty much said exactly what I said... you just made it longer.

 

I agree with you, if he's not actually "working" towards that goal(as in practicing daily, working on finding a band, traveling, calling people left and right trying to get a gig or tryout)... and at the same time not taking care of himself, it seems he's not really trying.... i.e. laziness

 

I don't however agree with the closing in on 30 and using your parents, cultures have taught us to be independent at a very young age here... I remember learning about France a few years ago(and if what I learned was wrong, please someone let me know, I would like to know)... in France it's totally normal and accepted to live and be supported by your parents up until about the age of 30 - 35...

[atelis]

it's pretty simple really. if you want to commit to this guy and start a household, he will need to contribute with a job and income.

 

if you just want someone to have fun with for a while and hang out with no real interest in a long term furture, then the rest doesn't matter.

[Samedy]

LoL... you pretty much said exactly what I said... you just made it longer.

 

I agree with you, if he's not actually "working" towards that goal(as in practicing daily, working on finding a band, traveling, calling people left and right trying to get a gig or tryout)... and at the same time not taking care of himself, it seems he's not really trying.... i.e. laziness

 

I don't however agree with the closing in on 30 and using your parents, cultures have taught us to be independent at a very young age here... I remember learning about France a few years ago(and if what I learned was wrong, please someone let me know, I would like to know)... in France it's totally normal and accepted to live and be supported by your parents up until about the age of 30 - 35...

 

I think the average age for people to move out of their house now, at least in Calgary (according to an article in the paper last year) is 32. But here it's an expensive city.

[shikashika]

LoL... you pretty much said exactly what I said... you just made it longer.

 

I agree with you, if he's not actually "working" towards that goal(as in practicing daily, working on finding a band, traveling, calling people left and right trying to get a gig or tryout)... and at the same time not taking care of himself, it seems he's not really trying.... i.e. laziness

 

I don't however agree with the closing in on 30 and using your parents, cultures have taught us to be independent at a very young age here... I remember learning about France a few years ago(and if what I learned was wrong, please someone let me know, I would like to know)... in France it's totally normal and accepted to live and be supported by your parents up until about the age of 30 - 35...

 

 

 

i don't have a problem with living with parents... its living with parents and milking off them... if he was studying or at least working part time it would be a completely different story!

[JoJo90814]

I really agree with shikashika in every post. I think she is "right on."

 

I think it is great that he is pursuing his dreams, but he needs something to fall back on.

 

I have the experience of taking care of my self, extreme struggles, lots of sacrifice (for school) and he hasnt. I pay for my own food, clothes etc, and he never has. His parents buy his clothes. So nothing wrong with that to some, but to me there is something wrong in that esp. at age 27.

 

Its a completely different world out of your parents house.

[atelis]

what is it that you want from this guy?

 

i mean if you want a family at some point, having dreams is great, but it doesn't pay for schooling and rent. you need to decide when you want these things, because if you have a relationship with this guy, he won't be able to provide you with that financial stability that's required to start a family

[shikashika]

I really agree with shikashika in every post. I think she is "right on."

 

I think it is great that he is pursuing his dreams, but he needs something to fall back on.

 

I have the experience of taking care of my self, extreme struggles, lots of sacrifice (for school) and he hasnt. I pay for my own food, clothes etc, and he never has. His parents buy his clothes. So nothing wrong with that to some, but to me there is something wrong in that esp. at age 27.

 

Its a completely different world out of your parents house.

 

So, you've said the reasons why you don't want to be with him.

 

What are the reasons you do want to be with him?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think the average age for people to move out of their house now, at least in Calgary (according to an article in the paper last year) is 32. But here it's an expensive city.

 

You know. There really is no shame living with your parents. As long as you aren't living "off" your parents. The economy is hurting. Housing is unbelievable. College is too expensive. And there are so few jobs that are actually worth anything. Morgan Spurlock ("supersize me" director) made a great documentary on him and his wife trying to live off minimum wage. If it weren't for the soup kitchen and help from good will and a very generous church, they'd be living like dogs that entire film.

 

It's worth a look into and is quite eye-eopening. It is virtually impossible to live off of minimum wage. Even if it's a two person income in that documentary's case.