determined Posted February 24, 2004 Author Share Posted February 24, 2004 Yeah, many happy returns Beec!! Link to comment
Beec Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Thanks. And no, I am not in my 90s. I wouldn't mind telling someone my age (close to GeeCee's), but just don't want it in my profile. Link to comment
GeeCee Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Why so shy about your age Beec??? You surely didn't strike me as a shy guy. Perhaps I have got you all wrong? Spill the beans .... what did you get for your birthday? Back to Determined (and I hope that you did not mind me gatecrashing this boys-only club). The no-contact rule is positively shite - but you have been through it before, and this time you will do it again. Remember the elation you felt when she whacked that ball back to you and you aced her. You are doing phenomenally well. This promotion you just got should give you less time to consider sending her a text anyways. Keep it up - but take care on the incestuous gossip - don't alienate her too much. Allow her the comfort of leaving the door just adjar. Speak soon. G xx Link to comment
Beec Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 I haven't received anything yet except a card and been told to expect a package. Dinner tonight with my gf, and ???? Not that shy about my age. If I knew you in person I would readily admit it. However, I wish to make sure this identify is not paired up with my face. Does that make sense. How would determined feel if his ex or the new woman or even one of his buddies was reading all of this post as it went up? Link to comment
GeeCee Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Sorry Beec - I was joking - hoping you enjoy your 'package' tonight!! Link to comment
Beec Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 No need to apologize, no offense was taken. Link to comment
determined Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 Look at you guys playing flirtation tennis! How would I feel if mu ex saw this, erm ,guess exposed really. Last night marked day 2 of the second wave of no contact and low and behold, I get a text from her whilst in the pub after work asking how my first day at my new job went. Stupidly texted back with exagerated dillusions of grandure and how brill my new job is (I know, i know, I need to start being a bit more modest now with her) but then said "more importantly how are you"...again possibly stupid but trying to tend to emoptional fulfilment "She texted back that she was ok and started using my pet name again and telling me I should get some sleep bla bla...the first sign of caring. Didint text back to that one as there was little or no need. Anyway guys...what is going on??? Am I starting to break her down? How do you guys interpret this new sign of interest from her????? Shal I resume with no contact again? Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 it sounds positive from where i'm sitting!! But you're right, you don't want to go over the top!! Just wish i had this kind of thing coming from my ex!! Oh well. It's been 4 weeks and 1 day now since i last initiatd contact. In that time, she has intiated contact once, and i have replied once. I am on day 7 since i replied to her, and have not heard anything from her. I don't know what this means, whether it is normal, or whether i should be giving up hope. I also do not know whether to message her. As i've explained to Beec, it is her birthday in a couple of weeks, and she will then be home a few weeks later. I do not want it to seem strange that i am suddenly contacting her after 6 weeks of not doing so. Additionally, i want to make sure there is the chance of meeting up at Easter - which will seem strange if i stick with no contact unless she initiates. Because there is every chance that we would end up in a 'well i didn't hear from you all term so why bother now' situation!! Any thoughts? Link to comment
majord23 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Determined, I'm going to say it again bro: Don't get over excited and don't try to guess what she is thinking. It is impossible for anyone to know except her, and to try and get inside her head is a futile, frustrating and dangerous exercise. You may get a feeling that you know what she is feeling and react accordingly, only to find you were wrong and leave yourself high & dry. No contact is working....but you are precariously balanced at the moment in that you can either lose the benefit of the hard work you have put in thusfar or you can continue to build on it. What I mean by that is: Contact between you could increase and despite your best intentions, she will feel more secure because of it. OR Contact will revert back to the 'no contact phase' where she will feel less 'safe' regarding your availability to her (as a friend or otherwise). You've said that you realised it was a stupid move to reply last night...probably a bit of a harsh assessment on yourself, but what I will say is that you should have at least made her wait overnight....remember, keep her wondering what you're up to and why you didn't reply immediately. Another thing mate....try to avoid contacting her when you've been drinking. It's something that I used to do...but you're always better off waiting until the next day. I'm not implying that you would say anything inappropriate with a few pints under your belt, but it does make you act more impulsively....and you may find that you reply to contact that you may have otherwise ignored with a sober head. I'll repeat the main point again Determined: Don't get over excited. This whole thing is about her *actions*, not her words. She broke up with you and she is seeing someone else....that hasn't changed, and until it does you should continue to employ 'No Contact'. She is still seeking security from you, and while I think that it's a great thing that she is starting to crack a little....there is still a long way to go. I hope this post doesn't sound negative - I'm not trying to rain on your parade in any way.....I just want to keep you focussed mate. You've had a small victory, but you've got to keep focussed on the big one You're doing great determined, make no mistake about it.....the strength you have shown is inspiring. Link to comment
determined Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 Sorry Spatz I cant remember how long you guys have been split up. If this is a positive stage...its taken me 4 months of sleepless nights, tears, begging, heartache to get here, so what you are experiencing is completely normal!! Stick at the no contact mate. Is she seeing someone else? My ex is, now thats pain especially when you know what a scum bag the loser is, it could be ALOT worse, honestly mate. She will contact you, as long as you stick to not contacting her. Well, off I go again on my 3rd "no contact campaign" with my "emotional withdrawl". Really hope this work guys, any further tips on the current situation? Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 We've been split since the start of December. But last time i saw her we left it on really friendly terms. I got a feeling i do have to keep up with the no contact and hope she contacts me. I have no idea whether she is seeing anyone else. One of the things she said to me (after saying that it scared her that i could be 'the one') was that she had never really been single for any length of time, and she felt like she was getting tied down. If that is the case, then maybe she is single, but somehow i just got that negative feeling that its not the case - she's a really nice, attractive girl, so someone is bound to of discovered what i did, and maybe she liked what she saw too?? Who knows - its pointless me thinking about it, but there ya go!! Link to comment
determined Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 Mjord you can sense my confidence in this situation and you'ree right that I'm realistic, guess I've gone from nothing to this stage where I've started feeling better about myself, got a job promotion, dating a few girls and my ex starts contacting me. Guess it's all gone to my head and I need to come back to earth really. You are right Mjord, think the best thing is to assume I'm back at square one in order not to get giddy again!! Thank you for the reality check Link to comment
majord23 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Thank you for the reality check Not a problem determined. You have every right to be happy though my friend. Things are definitely heading in the right direction and it's natural for you to be excited by it (I know that I would be too). Just make sure that your actions in no way reflect your new found confidence. Continue as you were 2 weeks ago....it is *that* behaviour that has got you into the position that you are in now, and it is *that* behaviour that will continue to influence her behaviour. Back to the tennis analogy - if you were playing a 'serve & volley' game and beating your opponent, you wouldn't suddenly change tactics and risk losing, would you? Link to comment
Beec Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Three new pages in one night. Wow. THe others were right in that maybe you should not have texted her, but don't worry about it. She sent you one, you replied, no biggee. With a simple communication like that, answering is not bad,because while you may be and are avoiding her, you don't want her to think that. And she did contact you first. Just think of it as a little volley. My suggestion not mentioned above: For the future, think about her and the things she will respond to emotionally. In you contact with her you should be alternately cold and hot. Cold giving her nothing besides a simple hello and info, or texting her back that you got her message and are busy. Then making her wait two days. Hot being the person who hits her emotional spots. No idea what she responds to, but its the thing to do. After being hot, disappear for a while. Link to comment
majord23 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 After being hot, disappear for a while. Well said. You are now in the perfect position to do this determined....you have made your presense felt, had friendly contact, and avoided discussing anything heavy....if you withdraw again now, it will start her thinking again. It's the whole push-pull scenario. If you push (have too much contact, or make her feel secure/pressured), she will pull away and you will find yourself pushing harder. On the flip-side....if you are the one who pulls away - she will follow. Link to comment
determined Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 I agree with you both. Time to hide in the hills for a bit I think. If she texts me again, what do I do then reply in a cold like manner??? Man that seems harsh....but then again me having to leave our home and sleep on a grubby friends floor for 2 months was fairly rude as well.....not to mention hitching up with an ape over me...o yeah and the missing furniture...guess I can be cold in text message! Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 I really wish i was in your position determined!! I seem to be going backwards - from seeing each other on friendly terms, back to no contact!! Doh. Still from what Majord and Beec have said, maybe i can view my last reply to her message as fairly cold?! Link to comment
majord23 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 If she texts me again, what do I do then reply in a cold like manner??? ! Not necessarily cold mate....although it is always good to remember some of the bad stuff (reserving a little internal anger towards her helps you to maintain no contact). If she texts and asks you something....by all means answer it in a civil manner - but make her wait for the reply. Also, when replying...don't ask her a question or leave any indication that you are expecting a reply. For example, if she texts you tonight asking how your job is....reply tomorrow....and when you do reply, text something like "Really good thanks, it's keeping me busy! Take care". See, it's not rude but not overly-friendly either...and the 'Take care' at the end suggests that you aren't expecting a reply from her. She may text back again....and you play it the same - Short answer....and end it with 'Have a great day' or 'Good night'. I have been on the receiving end of 'Take care' at the end of emails and texts.....and it certainly makes you wonder - which is what you want her to do mate. I don't think anyone is advising you to be rude or harsh towards her....just less enthusiastic about her contact. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 So Majord, when i replied to my ex last week, i said something along the lines of "hey strange that your parents only just got our card! I'm doing great, keeping busy. hope ur ok, good to hear from you". i didn't get a reply. Would you say this text was a reasonable one to send? Link to comment
dumpit Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 well i think that you have to decide what you really want. If you want your ex back then it looks like your in the perfect postion to get her. Theres obviously some chemistry between you two, as you find security in a text from each other. Are the texts your sending her true? Do you really miss her? If you do then you're not over her and you should probably drop your current g/f and get back with your ex, or your current relationship is going to get nasty. If you don't want to get back with your ex then txting her isn't going to help you get over her, you need to trying cooling it off and speaking to each other less. If you find you miss her then you've got your answer, you're not over her! Link to comment
determined Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 Spatz I dont think you were in the wrong at all just stick to what you are doing mate, you are doing really well. I'm of the belief now that we wont get back together with our exs whilst we think like this. Can you imagine if they just said "ok, lets get back" I think I would personally dump everything my body had in it to the point where the North Sea would rise a couple of inches (pardon the crude angle, using humour here). When you first start a realtionship you're in a position where you can "walk away in 5 mins if you feel the heat coming around the corner" due to being completely relaxed and not really caring that much but simply having .....FUN. Spatz, unless we break out of this mental prison that holds us as mental torture slaves, we 1.wont ever get back with them 2.probably become mentally scarred, surely by thinking about one thing over and over and over again we're causing ruts in our brain to think about one thing. You hae to break out of that. I kind of thought about this when considering dating this girl who I'm seeing now...hmm.....becoming a mentalist held by bonds that "wont" set me free or the possibility of a minor disapointment (i dont lie to her and tell her how it is). Anyway, thats why I said to you, date girls, even juist friends, get use to interacting with them on the not really knowing them basis, it works wonders and then you start to pick up speed, before you know it other elements in your life start to pick up and a really fast rate, work, friends, money etc. Then when you do hear from the ex you kind of whizz past it not noticing....think...slam the breaks...reverse....and you're like "eh???" whilst scratching your head. It's that bizarre. I'm not saying everything is peachy, but its a hell of alot better and I laugh alot more now, I think its crazy I had to move out, sleep on a floor in a south london high rise, not knowing if i was going to be be stabbed walking home. Then there was the walking in the rain etc etc. All very funny now as I can say I've become a much happier person now living with her uncle in a nice house, job getting better, good set of friends (which i didnt have when with her) and a social life (which i didnt really have). So my friend don't despair, she cant solve the way you feel right now, only you can and by getting out there and getting involved is the only way you'll change.....that's just the way it is.........things will never be the same......but they can be better Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Thats half the problem with me though!! Since we broke up, it made me realise a hell of a lot of things - to the extent that i have now changed a number of personal things that contributed to the breakup - like my depression at not being at uni anymore, and the depression of not knowing whether i was likely to get a job i had been waiting for for 4 months. I was getting depressed about not seeing many people (as opposed to at uni where there were literally hundreds of people about all the time). Anyway, so this whole thing has made me realise just how stupid i was being by not getting up and doing something about it all. Now i've done all those things, and in my personal home life i am a LOT happier. And it also makes me realise that my unhappiness contributed to a lot of bad things in the relationship - i would get stressed, and so ended up getting grouchy at stuff she was saying, and then we would argue for no reason. We were both under stress, and eventually it screwed up. I forgot how to chill out and have fun. Now that i've remembered, its too late. When i am out and with mates i have a great time. But its the times when i am on my own - going to bed, waking up, walking to work, that i think about her - because these are the times i would usually phone her, see her ,etc. This is why i feel that if she could see these things, and assuming she has not met anyone else, then things *might* happen again. She would see that i am happy at home, and doing stuff during the week rather than getting upset at not having things to do. She would not feel that pressure of having to speak to me and worry that i would be upset about my life. So now the only thing that gets me down is not being with her, or at least having her as part of my life. Because, with the way i have sorted out my other stuff (i got the job for example) i just know that having her back would kind of complete my 'picture' of having everything just the way i always wanted it. Its not that i am unhappy without her, its that i am happier with her. If that makes sense?? ps - i just remembered another thing i want to get off my chest...about two weeks before we split she asked me how i felt about things. I said the only way i would end things with her was if she ever cheated on me with anyone. She said that she felt like that too - that she would only end things if i cheated. Which of course i would never do!! yet she dumped me anyway aaaarrrrrghhhh Link to comment
determined Posted February 26, 2004 Author Share Posted February 26, 2004 Well dude, things wont get better until you get out there and start living without her, really. Where about do you live? Is there much to do? Get back to me mate. Last night I was in the pub (im not an alcholic just English) and I was telling my friend all about my story, what my ex had done etc etc, he then said do you still have a pic of her, of course I do i said excited, get out my wallet and show him. He takes it from me, has a look, hmmm, then flicks his lighter and burns it right in front of me. NOOOOOOOO I scream scabbling around a the burnt crustations of my ex. "I'm trying to help you mate, she is a complete waste of space, left you for some scum bag, I don't know how you can even lower yourself to even talk to her. She doesn't deserve you" That certainly put a spin on things, do people change? Can they be trusted? Would any relationship me and my ex have in the future be doomed from the off set? Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 I'm in England too - so i spend plenty of time at the pub!! Like i said, i am happy without her in the sense that i am happy with myself - much happier than i was before we split, just because of the things that i realised. However, i also have the knowledge of what a great girl she is, how much fun we had together, and how well we get on. I've been out and chatted with other women, but so far have yet to find anyone that has made the kind of connection that makes me want to take it any further. I only wish i could have seen things more clearly before we split, and could have realised how stupid i was being about some things!! I think that it is obviously healthy to move on and try to get over it, but part of me does not want to, and feels like there is always a chance of getting her back. My own personal opinion is that just because people split up, it does not mean that things can not be good again. For example, it may be that the split 'jogs' people into taking action. If i did have the luck ot be in a position to get back with my ex, i know taht i would be stronger for it, and would play the relationship game very differently. I would be more relaxed about things, and would not take things for granted so much. And i'd know better than to argue about the smallest insignificant thing. Its not worth it. I just hope that i am able to show her this stronger side of me, and make her realise that i am once again the guy she fell for in the first place. Link to comment
vfunkera Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 I live in London guys so that makes three of us (used to go pubs, but i find them boring after a while). Just so Beec doesn't feel left out, i was in New York last week, and i've got a whole map of the city planted in my head now- especially where all the damn FootLockers are, theres so many! Im trying to keep up guys, although i don't think im going to be sourily missed with the quality of information that is going round! Spatz, although i know you may not be doing this, its important to state that what ever girl you go out with should not be compared to the great ex you was with. This is only a restriction on you on what could be a potentially great relationship. And if you are still trying to get over that ex, dates are great way to prove that you are moving on. Don't expect a long-term partner straight away, rather date some for fun and try to make it help you take your mind off her. Like everyone else said, HAVE FUN! I only wish i could have seen things more clearly before we split, and could have realised how stupid i was being about some things!! You are not alone mate. I regret all the chasing i did and all the mistakes i made in the relationship. I also don't know one person who hasn't chased someone after a break up. The best thing you can do now is to learn from them and make sure they don't happen again. As time goes on you will begin to come off the 'if only' stage and begin to accept what has happened, so don't worry, it will ease soon! ps - i just remembered another thing i want to get off my chest...about two weeks before we split she asked me how i felt about things. I said the only way i would end things with her was if she ever cheated on me with anyone. She said that she felt like that too - that she would only end things if i cheated. Which of course i would never do!! yet she dumped me anyway aaaarrrrrghhhh Damn right! My ex told me she loved me in my face 3 days before telling me she didn't feel the same way that she used to about me. How long did she feel that way? She said for about 2 weeks (seems to be the magic number!). I think it went quite further back though, almost a month. Oh well i would have given her more credit if she had told it to me when she first started feeling that way, instead of dragging me along. Link to comment
Recommended Posts