Together, apart, together and apart....

[corpr8]

I have been with my girlfriend/fiance for about 5 years. The relationship has been a series of on again off-again episodes, the longest of which lasted 9 months after being together for a year. We got back together and tried to make things work. We continued together with some short on and off episodes for the past 3.5 years. Last May we got engaged, seeing that as a way to possibly cure our woes, but had the same problems over the summer. Constant fighting, not seeing eye to eye on certain issues and her emotional instability in many situations. I have tried and exhausted all efforts in trying to make the relationship work. I love her with all my heart and soul and would do anything to have a successful and healthy relationship. We have never lived with each other over the 5 years. We intended to move in together after the summer as we were engaged.

 

Over the course of the summer her outbursts included throwing the engagement ring at me more than once and finally at the end of the summer she stormed out of our summer house and we actually did not speak for several weeks. I begged her to come back and give things another try and we set a plan of positive action and steps. She agreed to give it another try and things were on the right track. We began looking for an apartment and it seemed as though things could possibly work. Although I have always had doubts about the health of our relationship and have been told by all those around me that she is not the one for me and that it should not be this much work.

 

I have refused to listen and have decided throughout to follow my heart and make my own mistakes if it comes to that. Well, the night before thanksgiving, she had an emotional outburst which she agrees now was totally uncalled for. She threw the ring at me in front of my friends and family and stormed out of a restaurant. I decided at that point that maybe I had enough. Unfortunately, we wound up spending the next several weeks together talking about the relationship, the future, the past and the problems we have had. We are in couples therapy and have been for at least a year now. Anyway, I don't think I can go back to this relationship again. I have lost total confidence in its future, and although I love this woman with all my heart, it just doesn't feel right. I wonder if things can work out, but feel as though I would taking a big chance. I am 37 and she is 32 and I am afraid of wasting anymore time. I know what the right thing to do is, but I am having a hard time finding the strength to let go... Any advice...

[amilasiu]

On my first thought I would say break up as this relationship is extremely unstable and such repeated public outbursts of her as throwing the ring in front of your family are not acceptable and indicate some big underlying problems. I am tempted to say follow your gut feeling that this relationship will cost you more than will profit you.

 

However, five years and an engagement is a consideration. Has couple's therapy helped you both at all? Is she trying to make the relationship better from her side? Is there some constructive improvement happening in your relationship? In any case, to make it work will require lots of work from both sides. You can choose to accept this work and take the risks. But relationships should not be all work and a constant fight for survival.

 

Thus, being an economist, I can advise you to look at your costs and at your benefits in staying with her. I had a friend who broke off a complicated engagement at the age of 36 and says that since he had an incredible amount of fun and a much healthier relationship. Thus, if your instincts tell you that you need to leave, it might be better overall.

[Beec]

I've been on that roller coaster, but not for as long a ride as you. Who's to say I won't get back on.

 

In 2000 and 2001, for two stints of 6-9 months I dated a wonderful woman. I loved her, but am not so sure we were ever in love. One of her main modes of releasing stress was to raise her voice or argue, with me, even when I was not the cause of the stress. After having lived with my mother, who does this also and terrorized my childhood, I couldn't and wouldn't take it. When I asked her not to yell at me, she would go on about how this was how she wanted to express herself. She wouldn't stop it, and I wouldn't tolerate it. I think there may be an excuse for soem of it, as she had a relative who abused her. But there was no change and I could not see continuing. I broke it off. If she was willing to work on it, I might have tried to stay.

 

Unless you finance is willing to undertake some serious work to stop her outbursts, then you should break it off. It really shows that she has some need to grab a huge amount of attention or something else and shows quite a lack allowing her respect for you to outweigh her need for whatever she gains from those outbursts. I would bet your gf has some insecurity issues and needs to deal with them before being someone with whom you should be in a relationship. But who really cares why, if she is not going to change. As someone raised in a house with a woman like this, trust me, you don't want to have your kids raised in it.

 

You are in "couples" counseling. I presume this issue comes up. What does she have to say? Why does she do it? Why does she need to go into an outburst and throw the ring at you? If she is not going to get counselling to deal with her issues, then you are right to break it off. If she had a serious chance to overcome her problems, then I might tell you to think about it more. But she cannot just go and try to deal with her problem, that's like a drug addict trying to kick the addiction but only trying. Finally, if you have been bitten by her outburts too many times, how do you begin to trust her and trust that they will not longer happen?

[creid]

I think that what she did drawed the line for you (throwing at you in front of your family). I think you should tell her why this is coming about, that she has pushed this so far and you can't deal with it anymore.I feel you should give her the ultimatum meaning to stop this or you guys are through. She needs to get her emotions in order before she can take a step down the aisle with you. You say you guys have been on breaks and that still hasn't helped, you guys are even taking couples therapy and it still seems you guys are having issues. It's hard to let go better to do it now than do it when you're married and have children. I'd say go with your gut. Good Luck I know making a final choice is going to be tough.

[corpr8]

I think she is very willing to work on herself and she has pledged her committment to the relationship and to trying to get a grip on her emotions. I am not perfect either. Together we feed each others foibles and it ends up like oil and water. However, as in any relationship, there are the good times, the fantasy of what could be, and that makes it all the more difficult.

 

Anyway, even with her committment to working on her issues and my committment to working on mine, I am just not ready to get re-engaged and commit to marriage. Right now I have too many doubts about our future, and I can't committ to the future with so many doubts in my mind. Do I have any choice but to end this once and for all? What do you do with all the love???

[Boundaries]

Sometimes we all have to be a little selfish and self-protective.

[creid]

Then don't. Express your doubts and say that right now is not good. Cause you seem that you are just now getting your hold of your thoughts. It might be best not to get re-engaged for the sake of having to break it off again if you guys don't change. You both have to change and see this situation as "what I can do to improve instead of what I want from you?"

Change not just for each other, but for yourself mainly(her too) and see where that takes you guys. Good Luck.

[corpr8]

By the way, nobody supports me in going back to this relationship. My friends think I am crazy, my family thinks that I have wasted too much time and all along I have gone to them for advice and done the complete opposite. Even if I were to take her back, I don't feel as though I could live with the decision based upon the judgement of others... This is very confusing...

[Boundaries]

Yes, it is very confusing and painful.

[amilasiu]

maybe it would be useful to take some time off: go out of town by yourself. You need sometime to be alone to figure out what it is YOU want, without being influenced by pressure from other people.

[corpr8]

I have proposed that I need some time right now to figure out what to do. That it is important that I make the choice to be with her because I want to and not out of fear of losing her. I even suggested that we stay together and try to rebuild the trust and confidence while continuing to work on the relationship, without getting back engaged. She said that without the engagement and context of such, she can't go backwards.

She wants to jump back in and work on it from where it was. I need to regain confidence again before making the committment. We are at an impasse on how to move forward and hence I think I might have to let her go... If there any other way?? I am so emotionally drained from all this that I am beginning to think that it shouldn't be this hard. Most of all, if it was right, we probably would have already been married years ago. Am I wrong?

[Beec]

If you are not ready to be engaged, then don't do it. If she wants to get right back to where you were, that's fine, but you are no longer there. She moved you away from that spot, she changed the scenery and if she wants you to go back there, she is going to have to move you back to that spot. And guess what, you had the express train moving away from it (her outburst) and there is no way back but for her to carry you in a wheelbarrow.