Batya33 Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I think the "shy when it comes to asking a girl out" is a real stretch, in general. Even men who are very shy overall get over it to the extent of asking a woman out for coffee if they are sincerely interested (like my SO for example, the way he was wayyyy back the first time we dated). "shy when it comes to asking out" really means "afraid of rejection" which we all are - no one likes that. But a man who is sincerely interested in dating a woman decides to put aside that fear for the benefit of not losing out on the opportunity. I know you know that ...... Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 I know...but then I also read on here about guys who really like a girl and ask for help when it comes to asking her out. So then I think could that be him too? I mean I'm pretty out going but have no guts to ask a guy out. I can't even get up the guts to ask my friend to give the guy my phone number. I was going to do it during the week and I didn't. But regardless, I can't count on it happening. I have to take the opportunity with the football guy. That might not end up happening either (and with my track record it probably won't), but I'll probably never see him again so it's only mildly embarrassing at that point. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I know...but then I also read on here about guys who really like a girl and ask for help when it comes to asking her out. So then I think could that be him too? I mean I'm pretty out going but have no guts to ask a guy out. I can't even get up the guts to ask my friend to give the guy my phone number. I was going to do it during the week and I didn't. But regardless, I can't count on it happening. I have to take the opportunity with the football guy. That might not end up happening either (and with my track record it probably won't), but I'll probably never see him again so it's only mildly embarrassing at that point. My SO asked for help from his friends many years ago as far as asking me to lunch (and maybe even for the next date). So? I do differentiate between genders on this - and believe that most adult men if they are sincerely interested in dating a woman, and available to date, will ask a woman out even if they are shy or even if they are afraid of rejection. Comparing it to your experience is not really relevant because adult women still have the added - stigma, or whatever you want to call it - attached to asking a man out on a date and have learned either from personal or vicarious experience that it's typically not effective anyway if you want a relationship. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 When I talked about my experience...I meant that I don't get asked out really. The two relationships that I've had have grown out of being friends. And with the football guy...I think what I'm doing is OK because I'm not asking him out, but just giving him my number so that if he's interested, he can. Unfortunately since I won't be seeing him again, I can't think of any other way to do it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 When I talked about my experience...I meant that I don't get asked out really. The two relationships that I've had have grown out of being friends. And with the football guy...I think what I'm doing is OK because I'm not asking him out, but just giving him my number so that if he's interested, he can. Unfortunately since I won't be seeing him again, I can't think of any other way to do it. Oh I think that's a great idea. I was responding to your comparison that since you didn't have the guts to ask someone out perhaps that is what was happening with Gym Guy. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 Sorry I couldn't respond. I was running late for work. You know, there could be a million reasons why he isn't asking me out...but the point is he isn't. I just need to go with the flow and stop worrying so much. I can show him I'm interested without waiting around for him to make a move. Now just wish me luck with the football guy! I'm going to bite the bullet and call my friend tomorrow, even though I kind of feel like an idiot doing it lol. At least I won't see the guy's reaction if I totally read everything wrong and he isn't interested. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Dali, I think that's a great plan - nothing to lose right? Keep us posted... Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 It's just be embarrassing to get a call back from my friend and be like, yea no he's not interested. I really don't know my friend that well. And the football guy, I really only talked to him for about 5 minutes before we had to go. But every time I looked over at him he would smile back at me and then came over to talk...so I'm hoping that means he'd want my number. Although he didn't ask for it. Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I was the one that brought up the issue of meeting people though..so I could segway into that girl. Maybe he is just looking for a friend. But when wouldn't he bring up a girlfriend to make that clear? When someone acts like that, it's easy to think they're interested. And if he has a girlfriend, why does he not have plans with her? He said he spent last night home alone and will be spending tonight home alone. Crap I should have invited him out with my friend and me tonight, lol. That was stupid. There is always the possibility that he isn't interested in women. Just a thought. Link to comment
Roberto34 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I think you're reading into all these little "clues" and/or "possiblities/reasons" that you've jumped to way too many conclusions over. It's time for you to ask him straight up if he'd like to go out sometime, because you feel you have really good chemistry, and you'd like to see him and get to know him better outside of the gym, as well as find out what else you have in common aside from the gym. It was clear to me when you asked him about the girl that he came with before, that she was just a friend. He even said something along the lines of "yeah, but I mean guys to hang out with..." because him and her are more than likely just friends. There's a possibility that he is in fact interested in men or whatever as well. However, like all these thoughts/opinions from you and the rest of us, they don't matter. It's time to straight up ask this guy out. Problem solved, and you'll gain answers to all these thoughts and questions you asked on here. Just ask him out. Relationships are 50/50, right? So why does the guy have to ask 100%?? P.S. Go Bills!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I think it would be great if she asked him out but my opinion is that if he is sincerely interested in her, he will ask her out -- in the beginning it's best if she wants something potentially long term to put in her 50% by showing interest, initiating conversations (which she has been doing) and letting him put in his 50% by doing the actual asking so that she doesn't risk throwing things off in this process - perhaps flattering him but also turning him off as far as potential serious interest. I think asking him if he wants to grab a soda after working out or similar is fine but she should leave the "official" asking out to him. I also think her sharing at this point that she feels chemistry between them is way overkill and might also overwhelm him in a bad way. Link to comment
Roberto34 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 That's still asking him out. Whether it be a soda or whatever, it's still asking him out. I didn't say she had to get all lovey-dovey about it. She could just say that she feels like they have things in common, and would like to talk about what else they possibly have outside of the gym. I mean, she needs to do it. If the guy is too shy, she should go ahead and ask. Someone on here said earlier that he's so shy, that it literally takes him YEARS to ask. Others said that they're too thick to "get it." If she's into him, and wants to know if there's anything there, then she should ask. If he says no, she can move on. Afterall, she did her snooping on the guy, so she's definitely driving herself mad with all these what if's, etc. Get 'em over with and just ask. I couldn't live that way. If I was her, I'd rather know where the guy stands instead of pulling my hair out over him. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I respectfully disagree that asking someone if he wants to grab a soda after a work out, etc is asking the person out on a date (if that is true, then I've been out on several or more dates since I started exclusively dating my SO, and I never considered those dates, nor would my SO), and I was reacting to your post where you advised her to explain to him that she felt they had chemistry. I know what has worked for me, hundreds of people I know, over the past 20 years with men ages 20s-40s (meaning, 20s-40s at this time and in the past, too)-- and asking out men in general is ineffective if a woman wants a serious relationship - for various reasons,even if the man is shy (and if he is so desperately shy that he cannot interact socially sufficiently to ask a woman he is interested in, and who has shown him interest, if she wants to grab a soda, or something to break the ice even approaching a date then I would say he is probably not in the proper mindset at that time for a healthy relationship). Nothing wrong with asking of course, just ineffective. With exceptions I am sure but my advice is based on what works generally. Link to comment
stella74 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I'm on the same page as Batya here. A date in my mind is a pre-arranged time to get together one-on-one to see if there's compatability. It's not spontaneously hanging out. It's fine for a woman to ask a man out on a date if all she wants is to casually date or have a fling. But in my experience, and the experience of women I know, when a woman asks a man out on a date it rarely leads to anything serious. There are obviously exceptions to the case. I know one married couple who had their first date after she initiated the date and they slept together after that first date. But that is an extreme exception. In most cases, if the man is sincerely interested and available for a serious relationship, he will initiate asking the woman out on a pre-planned date, even if he's shy. My ex-fiance was shy and he got up the courage to ask me out 3 times in a row! Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 Well I thought you guys would be happy to know that I called my friend and asked him to give that kid my number. I'm not holding my breath for gym guy. I'm kind of annoyed with him because I contacted that friend at the school he's interviewing at and sent him a facebook message letting him know how to contact her. This was on Thursday. I've heard nothing back from him at all. Not even a thanks. And he's been on facebook, so it's not like he didn't see it. I think that's just rude. Link to comment
stella74 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Don't even waste any more of your time thinking about the gym guy. I hope the other guy calls you! Let us know what happens. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 Yea gym guy is DONE. I just went out with some friends and one of them is the girl in med school. She saw them together at a halloween party last night. DONE! Link to comment
Nutz Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 What is this word "wait"? Seriously, if you're interested why on earth would you want to wait? All you're doing is giving other guys a crack at her in the time it takes for you to build up your moxie to pull the trigger. If she's a quality woman *someone* is going to likely beat you to the punch if you wait days or weeks to ask. Furthermore, trying to befriend her and then express interest is just weak and beta, to to be frank, and unattractive thing to do. If it's taking you longer than 30 minutes to build enough attraction to get a solid number, then check out my blog and the sites linked to it. There's no reason not to get a grip on this stuff. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 Hey Nutz...I'm not a guy. I'm a girl who was wondering why this guy who was flirting with me wasn't asking me out. Turns out he's got a girlfriend. Link to comment
Nutz Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Hey Nutz...I'm not a guy. I'm a girl who was wondering why this guy who was flirting with me wasn't asking me out. Turns out he's got a girlfriend. Your answer is moot though. The premise of this thread is from a guy's perspective as to how long he should wait to contact her. Had it been a woman asking "why does he flirt, but not escalate/pull the trigger?" then you'd have a valid point--there are lots of good reasons why guys do that, but that's another topic entirely. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Well, no, as a woman she was asking if her read on the situation made sense and your answer made it seem like you thought it was a man asking how long he should wait to ask a girl out. If Gym Guy was the OP your analysis would make perfect sense but the OP can't make much use of your admonishment to GymGuy that he get with the program lest the OP be snapped up by another guy. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 Thank you Batya, that's exactly why I responded in the way I did. So on my way to the gym this morning (I walk on the weekends), I ran into gym guy and his girlfriend haha!! I couldn't believe it. I saw them first way ahead of me and I was swearing in my head like, please get into a car and go away before I get there. But no. Then he sees me while I'm still kind of far away and waves but keeps walking with her. Then they cross the street and stop so I have to catch up and he starts talking. Still introduces the girl by her name, not his girlfriend. But it doesn't matter cause I'm done with that whole thing. I just found it hilarious that I ran into them. So now I just wait and see if football guy will call. I hate waiting around. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 LOL - well I'm glad it wasn't too awkward. What an idiot. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 Yea I wonder if he was thinking "oh crap" at all, but then I stop and think that he technically did nothing wrong. He didn't ask for my number or ask me out. Sure he was flirty by coming up to me all the time, walking me home, asking me to play basketball...but he could have just been trying to make a new friend since he doesn't have that many. But then I think, he would have just said he has a girlfriend. I asked if he had any big plans for this weekend and he just said preparing for his interview on Monday. Then I see pictures of him online at a halloween party and my friend sees him with his girlfriend. I mean come on. Grow up. I'm glad that I'm not upset about it either and that I find it more funny than anything. I just don't have time to waste on people like that. Link to comment
desert_rose26 Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 hi, it's great you realized what he was. Maybe he enjoys making girls think he likes them. Link to comment
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