Is it wise to avoid places my ex may be or do I just DO WHAT I WANT!

[rapunzel]

Back in April I told my ex about a meditation center down the street from where I live. We were still not seeing each other at that point. At the time had offered to drive me to a gig we were doing together and in the car I casually mentioned it as I had attended a couple drop-in classes. In retrospect, it was a bad move to tell him as one of the reasons I wanted to go there was to meditate to forget about him and to achieve some peace of mind.

 

He called me back then and asked me if he could go to the class as it interested him but he did not want to “hone in” on it without my blessing. As this is a Buddhist meditation center, I did not feel I could say no (that wouldn't be very buddhist of me). I said I thought it would be ok as "all were welcome".

 

We ran into each other at a class in May and that’s how things started up again. He broke up with me or as he put it “we are taking a step back” about a month ago. I haven’t been to the Center since and he has discovered another class that I had an interest in that they hold there. He has been attending this class and I feel I now can’t go as he goes to it. It’s open to the public, is only $5.00 and it sounds interesting. It’s something I had wanted to do but never got around to it and now he is going.

 

He lives several miles away and I can walk to this place in 5 minutes.

 

My questions are:

1. Is it crazy for me to just show up and attend the class. It is too soon since break up or since I’m the one who told him about the Center, do I have every right to go and who cares what he thinks. He would not even be there had I not told him about it.

 

2. Should I call him and tell him I’m planning to go and that I wanted to tell him beforehand to avoid awkwardness and so he would not think I’m pursuing him. I would try not to use those words but I don’t WANT him to think I’m pursuing him.

 

3. Is the fact that HE is going and seems to really dig the Center make me envious and upset that I even told him about it, hence my wanting to attend even more.

 

4. Will it delay my healing to go there if he is there and should I just avoid the night he goes like the plague and try to go on a different night? Unfortunately the night he goes has a talk and then tea/socializing aspect at the end that is appealing to me so I can meet some of my neighbors and people in my city….but I'm sure he does the tea and socializing part as well.

 

No, I’m not even close to being over him and yes, I’m still in a band with him. Yes, I still harbor thoughts of reconciliation.

 

But I don’t want to edit what I do, where I go, and my interests just because of HIM.

 

Will it make me stronger to do this or will it just set me back? Thoughts?

[RougeKali823]

If you want to get over him then yes avoide the places where he might be and get out of his band. You have to sacrifice to move on so yes some of your places of interest may need to temporarily change.

[rapunzel]

Well, it's not his band...and I cannot quit the band right now. I'd be letting down 8 other people.

 

But perhaps you are right, I should just avoid the class for now. Or just go to the other class (that does not have any socializing afterwards as far as I know) on the other night.

 

It just peeves me that this has happened, yes, I know it's my own fault but he has taken ownership of the place that I found that I wanted to go to for peace of mind!](*,)

 

My therapist suggested I ask him if we could trade off on nights to attend the talks and I did not think that was a good idea....

[girl68]

I do know how you feel about not wanting to feel like he has a "power" over you. Or is able to dictate your life when he's not in it anymore. Just think of what is best for you.

[Batya33]

I would avoid any other contact with him and no need to tell him, until you are over him.

[Cognitive_Canine]

When me and my bf broke up a while ago, I stopped going to the grocery store he worked at, the gym that he worked out at, the place he rented his movies from, the tennis courts where he practiced, the road that he lived (I took a detour to avoid passing his house every day) and his favourite restaurants.

 

Seeing him would set me back, so, I avoided it for a while. Eventually the pain fades and it's okay.

[rapunzel]

OK. I think I was trying to rationalize going to the class he goes to. It does really bother me that I blew it by telling him about this place but another hard lesson learned.

 

I will go on the other night and I will try to find some other place with interesting people. It's just unfortunate that this place is literally a 5 minute walk from where I live and it's something that interests me. He has to get in the car and drive for 20 minutes....bleah.

[beauty_is_pain]

I'd still go, i mean yeah u'll still have to see him, but maybe it would be able to help you heal. You already said that it is inevitable to not see him as u are in this band, and so... id say go for it, if it is something you truly want to do then why not...u only live once, so perhaps u shouldnt let an exflame dictate your life..so go for it

[rapunzel]

I go back and forth....how unusual.

 

Part of me wants to just hash it out with him. Just talk to the guy, let it all out, in a controlled way, but just say (in so many words) "Hey EX, this is again an awkward place we find ourselves but eventually it will work itselt out. I am interested in the Wednesday night talks and I want to go, and I'm going to go tonight (or next week). I remember months ago you calling me and asking me if it was OK with me if you went to the Center. To be honest, I was going there for some peace of mind but I did not feel it would be very buddhist of me to tell you not to go.

 

Now, after what has happened, I don't feel I have to ask your permission to attend the Center, but I do want to let you know I'm going because the topic interests me, the Center is so convenient to where I live and I want to check it out.

 

So I'm calling just to let you know, to avoid any surprises."

 

Or when I see him at a rehearsal I can talk to him about it. I don't know....

 

I very much doubt I am capable of the talk as above.

[Me and myself]

Hi rapunzel

 

I will go on the other night and I will try to find some other place with interesting people. It's just unfortunate that this place is literally a 5 minute walk from where I live and it's something that interests me. He has to get in the car and drive for 20 minutes....bleah.

 

I'm avoiding the places where I know my ex will be for almost 2 years... and I started to go to other places, places I never went before. Nowadays, I have a lot of new places to go, places that I wouldN't have met if I haven't decided to avoid her.

I met a lot of new people that I wouldn't have met if I haven't decided to avoid her.

If it bothers, go to another class in another place, even if it's not near you...you may use the journey to observe the world, to enjoy it...you just have to think: "Wow, here I go to this new place...that I never went before...it will be an adventure, meet new people...who knows I will find there my next lover."

Now, you have to meet your ex at the band...that's ok, that's an obligation you have to 8 other people...you should feel good with yourself for not letting them down, in spite of the circunstances.

The classes are not an obligation...if you go there, that's your choice and you can choose not to go.

 

M&M

[rapunzel]

I can go to the Center on Tuesday nights and am pretty certain he won't be there, as I think he is now attending yoga on Tuesday nights and going to the Center on Weds. nights.

 

I suppose I should not go on Weds. until I know I am over him. Maybe if I went with a friend I would feel more comfortable if and when that happens.

 

I'm envisioning him meeting HIS next partner at the Center that I told him about. :sad:

 

I've decided I'll stick it out with the band until New Years Eve, which is the last booking we have right now. New Years Eve - my imagination already running wild that he'll have a new woman on his arm, them kissing at midnight, ACK. If I am still in this emotional morass, I will then quit the band, sad as it will be. It's such a wonderful unique group. Hopefully I will have healed by that point but to be honest, knowing what happened last time around, and knowing how I am, I am going to have to do some MAJOR changes in order for that to happen.

 

It seems that most people on this board are able to avoid their exes completely....I am so envious of the ability to go complete NC.

[purplekangaroo]

Hi, rapunzel~

 

I don't know if I've ever posted on one of your threads before, but I've been reading them for quite some time. I guess I missed some of the stuff where you and the band mate got back together and then split a second time. I'm sorry to hear that there's been another rough patch. I'm replying now because I think it's time to make some drastic changes in your life. I don't you asked for advice on this general front, but you seem like a kind, interesting person and you need this baggage outta your life. I think you know that, judging by your NYE deadline. I'm just worried that it's not soon enough, or that you'll kid yourself into thinking you've healed.

 

First, the part you asked us to address. Unfortunately, a previous poster is right in that you can't claim a place as "yours," even though you found it and it probably means more to you. I'm sure you know that truth, and you're right to stamp your feet about how rotten it is. Also, though, you shouldn't go to the Center if it's going to drive you to be paranoid about your actions, your looks, etc. (I know how that goes, and it's awful. Nobody likes to have to try to make a good impression on somebody who has rejected him.) This is supposed to be a place where you feel good and can achieve peace. Personally, I think its purpose is now completely lost on you, and that stinks. In my opinion, you should work on finding another place/activity to replace it.

 

Now on to unsolicited opinions.

 

I guess I don't quite understand your band situation - then again, I've never really understood much about being a musician. Does your livelihood rely on this band? (I'm assuming so; if it's mostly recreational, I REALLY can't understand why you wouldn't have walked away by now.) How hard would it be to find a new position? Do you play a particular instrument, or...? I know that people are frequently looking for a bassist, a guitarist, a drummer...but I don't know if you play a specific role like one of those, especially if there are 8 people in the group (Clearly, this is a not your average rock band - it's something more special, as you put it.)

 

To be brutally honest...I'm really surprised you haven't started seeking out a new situation. Judging by the fact that you've been posting about this guy for quite some time, I'm guessing that his presense in your life is really damaging your chances for happiness. I know you're still holding out hopes for reconciliation, but I don't think it's going to happen under these circumstances. If you're anything like me, your sense of self-worth is accosted when you're in his presense, and it's impossible for you to feel fully relaxed. You can fake and fake and fake, but it won't fly in your own head, and you'll assume that other people can see how bad you feel, though they probably can't. I'm making assumptions here, and feel free to ream me out if I'm wrong. Judging by your posts, you feel a lot like I do in the presense of my ex, and I want you to save yourself from the constant over analysis, etc. It's truly awful.

 

Just to relay and get on the same page: my ex and I share a smallish graduate program. When we broke up, I couldn't be around him without feeling crumby. After more than a year had passed, I realized, horribly, that I might never be able to see him without sadness. (I have several long-term exes, some who left me, but I didn't and don't feel this way about them. I think this band guy might be special for you, too.) Now, I don't go to happy hours hosted by the group anymore, and usually I skip program-wide optional academic events to avoid seeing him. This is all in addition to my social life initially totally falling apart because I couldn't be around him. I kept in mind the trade-off: I felt worse about being in his presense than I did about missing XYZ seminar or ABC party.

 

The whole thing was, and still occasionally is, TERRIBLE. I hate that I don't get to be a social butterfly within my program, and I hate that sometimes I don't get the absolute most out of my graduate school experience. I am still occasionally sad that everything we shared has become his territory. Unfortunately, though, that's how it is: it hurt me to see him, but not vice-versa (at least not enough to avoid the situation). So, it was my job to find a new niche. As one terrible Seinfeld episode, post George break up, put it: "to the victor go the spoils."

 

I've had to work harder than a student should to form a social group and learn what I want to, but you know what? I've done it. And I'm proud of what I've learned in school, and the great friends I've made, and the hard work I've done to rebuild my life. (Which, incidentally, is much better than the one I had when I was with him, and, obviously, much better than the one I had immediately after we split. And, if I might make an inference from a VERY distant observation, better than the life he's set up for himself.)

 

I think you are considerably older than I am, and obviously, the situation is not the same. Maybe the situation doesn't hurt you as much as it hurts me, but I can tell it is at least troublesome.

 

I hope you're thinking hard about whether taking drastic steps to change your life and get him out of it might be the best course of action. I think finding a new place to take classes might be a good start.

[saturnreturn]

I for one would not be able to sit in a meditation class and find peace of mind if my ex was sitting in the same room! I understand your wanting to go, though. Go on another night.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Rapunzel --

 

You received some fantastic advice here -- especially from purplekangaroo (what a great post!).

 

I agree that you shouldn't stop going to the Center, but I do agree that you should skip the class that your ex is going to, at least for now, and no, I don't think you should talk it out with him or explain to him how you feel, etc. I think going would just make you feel worse; as one poster pointed out, would you really be able to feel peaceful (in a class that relates to being peaceful) when you know your ex is in the room?

 

I also agree with your earlier assessment that perhaps you are trying to justify going to the class. That's totally understandable. I've done it myself. I used to show up to my office on days I really didn't need to be there (my ex and I work at the same location, but I work at another location as well), just so I could see him and have the chance of talking to him. Now, I only show up on the days I HAVE to be there, unless my boss schedules me a meeting for one of the other days.

 

It's difficult. You shouldn't have to alter your plans or the places you go to avoid an ex, but in this case, at least when you are not nearly over him, you really should minimize your interaction with him as much as possible, even if it means not getting to attend the class you're interested in, and even if it means not going to band-related activities that might be uncomfortable for you. At some point, after you've had time away from him (in the sense that you don't see him or talk to him at all outside of rehearsals and gigs for awhile), you may be able to be around him and not feel bad, but I think that right now, being around him when you don't absolutely have to be is not healthy for you, at least in the sense that it will make your healing process slower.

 

I know you are reluctant to quit the band, and I understand why, but as purplekangaroo mentioned, if you continue to feel badly, and if interacting with him is going to make you really uncomfortable or sad, then you may have to consider doing it at some point. I think you mentioned in another post that you don't rely solely on the income from the band, which is good. If you do stay with the band, be sure that you're doing it for the right reasons -- that you love working with them, that it brings you joy -- NOT because you're hoping for reconciliation and you don't want to cut off that tie with him.

[browneyedgirl36]

This is a great post. I especially like the bolded part. It describes how I feel exactly about my situation. I definitely see myself in it.

[l9grl]

If you are sincerely drawn to Buddhism, do not allow your attachment to this man stop you from learning. What is in your heart? If you do not go, what would you be denying to yourself?

 

Are you familiar with the Buddhist teachings on attachment?

 

You could be honest with your teacher about what you are struggling with, you both could be forthright about your struggles actually. This could be a very healing learning process for you - how brave and honest with yourself are you ready to be?

 

I think Buddhist teachings would be very helpful at this time!

 

Is there another Buddhist center nearby? or is this the only one?

[rapunzel]

Wow, thanks all for the great posts.

 

Purple Kangaroo, you make some very very good points. Some real food for thought there. To answer your question, yes this band is unique, there is nothing like it in the area and I can't just join another one at my age. There just aren't the opportunities out there. If I quit this band, I'm relegated to weddings and other less interesting and less creative type gigs.

 

It's not a good situation right now. I'm even considering going on meds to stop the crying jags. I don't want to go that route but I have to take care of myself. I just pray this passes and I can get my HEAD on straight about this. That this is just ONE man, yeah, certainly a special one...but HE made his choice. I have to accept it, swallow my lumps and just keep moving forward.

 

The reason I want to stay in the band, well there are a few reasons. I love the music. It's challenging. It's social and I really enjoy the other people. It gets me out of the house, out in clubs performing when for years I just did wedding and corporate gigs. It's fun and friends come out to see us perform. I only have a couple/few more years where I'll be able to do a band like this and not feel too freakin' old (I'm getting there but I want to milk it a bit longer.) The heartache from the failed relationships with him is tough, tough, tough. But I feel I will regret leaving, and I'll obsess even more about the band. I'll be constantly checking the website, wondering where they are playing, wishing I was there instead of sitting in my lonely apartment. So it's not about him.....it's about the camaraderie of the band and the other social opportunities it has led to and that it may lead to. I wish HE would leave so I could really enjoy it!!! But he won't, he's one of the original members.

 

There is a talk at the Center on Weds. nights after a group sitting. They open the doors up and anyone can go to the talk. You can do the sitting and then attend the talk or just attend the talk. Apparently a large number of people go to the talk between 60 and 100 people sometimes...so it's possible I could go and not have to talk to him or see him.

 

Anyway, there are other times I can go, and I will do this...I can go Tuesday nights and I can drop in there other times as well, it is right down the street.

I doubt he will be there mornings, day times or any other night besides Weds.

 

There are a couple other buddhist centers here, but this is by far the best one and so close to where I live....

 

I am a novice but have read some books. I do not have a teacher, per se. I do understand the concepts of attachment and detachment and impermanence. This is why when I saw him on Monday I decided to just release any bitterness or resentment I had, I told myself I was forgiving both of us and when he walked in I smiled at him and he smiled back. We held our gaze for a while and he kept smiling at me. It felt mildly flirtatious. I let it go. But I'm human so when he again smiled at me as we were leaving and tried to catch my eye, my mind started running away with it. I do think the buddhist teachings would help me with all of this.

 

Regarding the bolded part of purplekangaroo's post...I don't think people can see how badly I feel. I'm quite good at acting as if, "normal". I don't get nervous before I see him. I seem to do OK when I'm with the band, at least I felt pretty comfortable on Monday. It's the AFTERMATH when all the analyzing starts. I know I need to let go of hope of reconciliation....I'm working on it but the contact makes this difficult.

[Daria_Lane]

B

 

We ran into each other at a class in May and that’s how things started up again.

 

Hi Rap

 

Did you ever make a thread about this. Cos I remember that he ended up going to the class which I thought was an obnoxious move on his part and you wanted to stop going, but I never knew you two ended up bumping into each other there

[rapunzel]

Yes Daria -

 

I bumped into him in May at the class on Tues. night. After the class he asked me to have dinner and I accepted. We went for a long walk and it felt so natural, nice, and easy. On the way back he asked me if he could confide in me and told me about being depressed and considering going on medication and he wanted my opinion. We talked for a long time outside my building and I asked him up for tea. Well, we ended up making out, fooling around a little bit. That's how things started up again after 9 months of confusing overtures by him, 9 months of being in a band with him and doing all kinds of gigs and 9 months of me trying to move past it, trying to date other people...to no avail. He told me in June that part of the reason for his depression was that HIS ex had finally moved on and wanted nothing to do with him other than "friends". Since they had been broken up for 1.5 years, I thought it was pretty safe to start up with him but I guess I misread this one.

 

Anyway, round 2 and he's gone again. Reality check, rapunzel!

 

He's a runner, and he told me upon "let's take a step back" one month ago that the reason his rel'ship ended with his ex was "the grass was greener". He realized after about 14 months of being "friends" with her that he wanted her back and he tried but it was too late. She told him she just wanted to be "friends" and she meant it this time. He sunk into a depression over this, difficulties with his work/livelihood and having a mid life crisis. He told me he did not realize how he felt about her until she was "unavailable". He assumed he had her in his back pocket the whole time, as they were on again/off again for 4 years. And the old " you don't know what you got till it's gone" hit him like a ton of bricks. He was consumed with jealousy and regret when she told him she was dating someone else. She is currently on link removed so I guess that didn't work out....

 

When he ended things with me, one month ago today, he said that he was afraid he was "throwing something good away". Sadly, he may not realize what WE had until I'm gone. But it was his choice to leave and I have to respect it.

 

I feel pretty OK this morning...no tears...slept a bit better. I know he was 5 minutes away last night, right down the street at the Weds. night class and talk, the one I want to attend but can't.

[Batya33]

Glad to hear you are feeling better. So, with round 2 he had asked you to start dating him again exclusively? I thought it started up again as a casual dating situation. It sounds like (maybe until this post) that you realize the choices you made/risks you took in hanging out with him/dating again romantically - and that realization, I think will not only help with healing but also as you go out there and date again.

Obviously, it was jerky of him to invite you to an event as a friend knowing he would have a date with him (or intending to bring a date).

[rapunzel]

No Batya, he did not ask me to date him exclusively, per se, on Round 2. He did tell me he had not been with anyone romantically over the past 9 months and neither had I. We had discussed that neither of us would be intimate with anyone else while we were dating. He did ask me if I was wary based on what happened in the past, and I admit I kind of pooh-poohed it, as I was trying to be "cool" and not have him think I had big expectations. I think I did hesitate when he asked me this, and I said.....well, yeah a bit...but we seem to have a connection here and I'm willing to see where it goes.

 

I still do not know if he had intended to bring the date all along. It's quite possible he sent that group email to see if I was going to go and once he knew I was not, then he asked this woman rather than go alone. I cannot IMAGINE he would do something so insensitive, so callous as to bring a date knowing I may go.

 

I guess he included me on the group email as he felt he had to, yet I think he could have set up a group outing if he wanted to invite this woman without inviting ALL of us. So the whole thing still confuses me. In a way, I wish I had just called him when the group invite email came in but I decided to just decline via email, as you know. At least I would know where he was coming from.

 

Do you think it's a BAD idea to ask him about this, just to set the record straight?

[renaissancewoman101]

I know most people would NOT agree with me, but I'd go for it and ask him (just to set the record straight). Otherwise, you would just be forever wondering, and that can be a hellish thing in itself.

[rapunzel]

Thanks Ren - I go back and forth. Part of me thinks if I'm going to stay in this band that we are going to HAVE to sit down at some point and have a talk. I don't know if I can just continue on in the next few months with this facade...

 

On the other hand, would that make me feel worse? This is what I have to consider. Am I just trying to "save face" by ignoring him, acting nonchalant and indifferent and does this BEHOOVE me or does this just make me inauthentic?

 

Or since I still am not OVER this, is it best to just hunker down, do what I'm doing and hope for the best - that I WILL get over it, that I WILL be able to carry on and continue on in this thing...

 

And if by New Years Eve I am NOT over this and I'm still suffering, then I will make my big decision then....

 

Yet I still wonder - what have I got to lose by talking to him? I'm not a kid, life is getting shorter...maybe I should just face my fear and do JUST THAT.

 

He did call me a couple of weeks ago and said that he did not want us to just stop talking outside of rehearsal and band stuff...as it seemed "wrong....and crazy". Perhaps I still can communicate with him, based on that?

 

Or do I just let go...and let GOD as they say.

[Batya33]

I think asking him would be too much prying into his personal life.

[rapunzel]

You are probably right Batya.

 

I'm once again, irked....](*,)I joined an internet meetup group for hiking and he joined the group 5 days before I did. He is going on a hike with them today that I wanted to go on. But now I can't go. He's everywhere!

 

I did not know he was a member as it's a private group and members aren't visible until you join. I saw he was a member after I joined.