I don't feel...

[RLW]

...like a man.

 

True I am only 20, but 20 shouldn't feel like this. I don't feel as if I have accomplished anything in my life, probably because I haven't. When I think of how people see me I get the impression that I am thought of as a joke, like nobody takes me seriously.

 

I am a Virgin at the age of 20. Women never even give me a second glance. Why would they, after all a woman wants a man right? Sometimes i think if i could only get the courage to talk to a woman i might be proven wrong, but when i do, i am proven right. My last feeble attemt at romance ended in her stringing me along until she slipped up and dialed the wrong number by mistake.

 

A woman i know at work asked if i had a girlfriend. I responeded with a no. She couldn't grasp why, saying i was a cool guy. I wanted to explain to her that being cool as a friend doesnt apply to dating material history has shown me, but didnt want to bore her with the details. I simply replied with "I Dunno".

 

I can't talk to women. Everytime i see someone who sparks my interest, that interest is soon crushed my the realization that i will never have a woman like her. Recently, i've come up with a plan. since every time i try, i am smitten, (Not in the "in love" way, but the "Hammer of God" way), so i will stop trying. if i don't have a desire, then i can't have an unfullfilled desire, now can i?

 

I have a VERY obsessive personality, and this only leads to me feeling worse and worse the more i try and/or think about it. I try to channel it into music. I can literally spend hours listening to music with the lights off and my eyes closed. Its kind of an escape for me.

 

i guess what i'm trying to say, is, I hate myself. Its who i am and i can't change that. sorry for the long vent but i just had to have someone know this. if anyone has insight i'd love to hear it.

[leo_s84]

People see you as you see yourself. If you change your attitude for the better, you'll get better results, believe me.

[ATLstudent]

I completely relate to almost everything your saying and feel like you in many ways. What kind of music do you listen, i know for me i used to listen to the band Tool nonstop, and it was good theraputic stuff at times, but too much of it is a bad thing for my head, just as anything, moderation. But if your listening to happy music i guess it wouldnt be a problem, im guessing your not though

[RLW]

I completely relate to almost everything your saying and feel like you in many ways. What kind of music do you listen, i know for me i used to listen to the band Tool nonstop, and it was good theraputic stuff at times, but too much of it is a bad thing for my head, just as anything, moderation. But if your listening to happy music i guess it wouldnt be a problem, im guessing your not though

 

Actually its mostly trance at the moment. it tends to improve my mood.

[greensleeves]

To be a virgin at twenty or twenty four isn't so unusual...I see alot of threads on this forum by young guys who think they're some kind of a freak because they haven't had sex yet. You're not as unusual or alone in this as you imagine you are. Try not to let obsess about it and just relax. I understand that it's difficult, but I think that by focusing on it so much, it probably effects the way you relate to women...like a vicious circle. You seem to be an intelligent, good looking guy...try to be confident that you have alot to offer someone.

[RLW]

To be a virgin at twenty or twenty four isn't so unusual...I see alot of threads on this forum by young guys who think they're some kind of a freak because they haven't had sex yet. You're not as unusual or alone in this as you imagine you are. Try not to let obsess about it and just relax. I understand that it's difficult, but I think that by focusing on it so much, it probably effects the way you relate to women...like a vicious circle. You seem to be an intelligent, good looking guy...try to be confident that you have alot to offer someone.

 

If i may, i would like to say that i wholeheartedly disagree with this post.

[RLW]

I don't mean to seem negative, but even if it doesn't make me a freak, it is unusual, even if not that unusual. I think it's even more unusual for me not to have even had a first kiss by now either. Something I probably should have done, during normal development, back in middle school or high school or so.

 

that is exactly my point. development. true i have kissed a woman before and had a girlfriend, i honestly see those as flukes. people say its no big deal, but if you cant get to the point of talking to women and so on, how can one expect to just wake up one day and be in a wonderful relationship? which is another thing, its not just about sex, its about being lonely.

 

And i am very lonely.

[greensleeves]

If i may, i would like to say that i wholeheartedly disagree with this post.

 

Do you disagree with it all?

 

Alot of young men post here with the exact same fear that you have, so I'm basing my opinion that you're not as unusual as you think on that.

 

Do you not agree that your perception that there's something wrong with you will effect the way you relate to women?

 

Do you not agree that you seem like an intelligent, good looking guy?

 

Too bad...I was only trying to give you my honest opinion and I thought it might help you.

[RLW]

Theres is actually alot i can think of. The main one being that i was always told i was ugly. my entire life. and the first time i ever had a crush on a girl, she publicly decreed that she would never have anything to do with me. that was without me even trying. after that one instance i think is when i decided never to act on my feelings. and everytime i got the balls to, i was always shot down again.

[greensleeves]

I understand where he's coming from, and I agree with both of those points, both for him and me. It's tough coming from where he's coming from though, I know because I've been having these thoughts and feelings about myself for four years longer than him.

 

My first post here was very angry with my life, and I challenged people's thinking, because it takes a long time to change negative views so ingrained in you. I wager he does find it helpful, just to vent here anyway, and if he does want to change, he will look into the advice, even if not right away, he'll start to consider it. I know I am.

 

Thank you mdntimes...I've read alot of your posts and I know that you're working very hard on some issues. The reason I say it's not so unusual is that their are three different threads going on just tonight about the same thing, and those are only the ones I'm aware of. When I say it isn't unusual, I'm not implying that it isn't something that you would want to change, only that you're not alone.

[RLW]

Thank you mdntimes...I've read alot of your posts and I know that you're working very hard on some issues. The reason I say it's not so unusual is that their are three different threads going on just tonight about the same thing, and those are only the ones I'm aware of. When I say it isn't unusual, I'm not implying that it isn't something that you would want to change, only that you're not alone.

 

but when you really think about it, we are alone. i'm not saying i'm the only one with this problem, but are we all supposed to make a club or something?

[greensleeves]

but when you really think about it, we are alone. i'm not saying i'm the only one with this problem, but are we all supposed to make a club or something?

 

Maybe I should have said there are many others going through the same thing and that at your age it isn't quite as unusual as you believe it is. If your were 30 or 35 it would be a different story, but you're 20, you've barely begun your life...I know it doesn't feel that way to you, but you are still very young. And as for your post saying that you've always been called ugly...is that you in your avi? If it is, I can assure you without a doubt that you're a very handsome guy, so you should just rid yourself of that negative image of yourself.

[RLW]

Maybe I should have said there are many others going through the same thing and that at your age it isn't quite as unusual as you believe it is. If your were 30 or 35 it would be a different story, but you're 20, you've barely begun your life...I know it doesn't feel that way to you, but you are still very young. And as for your post saying that you've always been called ugly...is that you in your avi? If it is, I can assure you without a doubt that you're a very handsome guy, so you should just rid yourself of that negative image of yourself.

 

thank you, but i just don't see it. actions(results) speak louder than words.

[RLW]

Honestly, you look like most guys in my area who are with beautiful women. I don't know if their nice women on top of that, but...

 

Anyway, I wasn't called ugly, I was called and treated a whole lot worse, and it was mostly by my own family, so when I'm with people nowadays, like between classes or sets at a gig, I literally have to go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror to remind myself that I'm an adult and not the five-year-old boy I feel like around everybody. I'm working on this kind of thing, and I think one of the only ways you'll get through it is to address these issues in your life as well.

 

as for the being treated like crap by your family, i can feel you there. but i dont think my problems there stem to my problems with women.

[RLW]

and.. tell me more about this sea of beautiful women interested in guys that look like me... where is it located again?

[greensleeves]

Is that because of the first crush saying you were ugly? I'm guessing that would have been back in grade school? Kids at that age can be extremely cruel and don't even mean most of the things they say. It's too bad kids can be so cruel, they have no idea of the long term effects of some of the things they say and do.

 

But yes, you are a very handsome guy, so you really need to get passed thinking that you're ugly...you're not. Please don't see yourself that way...it's just wrong.

[greensleeves]

I'm not trying to give you random compliments to raise your self-esteem, I'm telling you what I honestly see.

 

Me too.....

[RLW]

Is that because of the first crush saying you were ugly? I'm guessing that would have been back in grade school? Kids at that age can be extremely cruel and don't even mean most of the things they say. It's too bad kids can be so cruel, they have no idea of the long term effects of some of the things they say and do.

 

But yes, you are a very handsome guy, so you really need to get passed thinking that you're ugly...you're not. Please don't see yourself that way...it's just wrong.

 

not just that, it was more subtle reactions to things i would say or do that actually weren't meant to be malicious at all that really did it. and it was lots of them.

[RLW]

Why not? Because of the way I grew up, feeling I was never right about anything, and that I was always wrong, and that I was just a burden on everybody, I took that to my social life, feeling everyone saw the same thing in me. I still feel that way.

 

Maybe it wasn't your family, but it's messages you got growing up that you never shook.

 

 

 

I live in the Boston area, on the East Coast. I'm not trying to give you random compliments to raise your self-esteem, I'm telling you what I honestly see.

 

i was just thinking that perhaps i might have better luck trying to get a date in a different area. twas a joke more than anything. a variation off of a simpsons line. ... +1 internets to me?

[RLW]

Right, that's exactly how I felt in the situation in the last thread I posted. Did you check it out? In any case, my interpretations of these reactions were probably very wrong.

 

yeah i did. shes clearly the cheating type. better off without the likes of her.

[RLW]

You might, and I think I might too, though I wonder if I'll just go somewhere new, be comfortable at first, and then just revert to my original perceptions when things go bad. I want to see if I can try where I am now as well.

 

yeah, thats pretty much what i do.

[greensleeves]

not just that, it was more subtle reactions to things i would say or do that actually weren't meant to be malicious at all that really did it. and it was lots of them.

 

I wish I knew what to tell you. As I said, some kids (and even adults) can be careless in the things they say and do, never realizing the deep impact it can have on a person. I can only suggest that you try to see those comments for what they were, probably off the cuff remarks that meant nothing to the person saying them, but meant alot to you. I can still remember cruel things that were said to me as a child and I'm ashamed to say that I said some cruel things to other children.

 

How about trying to focus on the positive things about yourself? I'm sure there are many if you'd just take the time to find them. In therapy it's called positive self-talk, which may sound kind of silly, but it really does work. I took my son to therapy when he was going through a particularily depressing time and she had him write out a list of things he liked about himself and things that he was good at He'd look at that list every night before bed and throughout the day whenever he needed a little boost. It seems to have worked for him...he has tons of friends and is pretty confident in himself these days. I don't know, it just a thought and it certainly can't hurt.

[ChaosOrder]

I'm in a similar rut in my life, except that I'm 21 and I've never had a girlfriend, and never had any experience with the opposite sex whatsoever, not even so much as a kiss on the cheek. This is while my 17 year old brother has a girlfriend and has had sex. Seriously, consider yourself lucky in that respect.

I'd been hearing for years that I would 'meet someone' and that I was 'bound to get a girlfriend.' I've been to university, the easiest place to find a girlfriend and yet turned up empty handed. I have been turned down by every girl that I've asked out and my confidence level seems to get lower and lower as I go through life. And I swear, if I hear "I really like you as a friend" one more time I'm going to go nuts.

So yeah, I'm probably the last person who you'd want to take advice from on this subject.