Dealing with people who always have to be right...how do you do it?

[Seymore]

I told her that I’d like to resolve the way we argue and fix it. I brought up this morning and she told me that everyone hates being told they’re wrong and that I just have to live with it. Then I asked why we both can’t just agree to disagree and leave it alone instead of trying to pound it into the other person’s head that they were wrong. She said “You were wrong - I don’t understand what there was to argue about in the first place, but you decided to keep it going! I was looking right at the circle and I know where I turned, and you’re telling me I’m wrong!” I told her I had a map in my hand and maybe there was a misunderstanding, but she said there was no misunderstanding - again, I was wrong, and asked what is my problem.

[ycmanvs]

You had a map. She was there. There is mis-communication somewhere. You can try to keep fighting about this particular incident, or you can just let it go, until the next one comes up. You could both drive to that intersection, map in hand and retrace her steps, so that you can actually figure out who was right...or you can just let it go, because it does not really matter at this point.

 

The fight is not about who was right or wrong. You are both talking about different things at this point. She still wants to fight about that day...while you are trying to explain that you do not want to argue about who is right and who is wrong in general.

 

Again, there is a lack of communication, and that seems to be the root of all this.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh, I think this goes way deeper than a miscommunication. If she has a habit of doing this kind of thing then this is likely just one of may where she has insisted she was right and will argue that point until she is blue in the face. Notice how she completely devalued you by saying

everyone hates being told they’re wrong and that I just have to live with it.

. That is patronizing, that is not looking for middle ground, that is insulting you. This is typical of know-it-alls...they will NEVER acknowledge wrong, they ALWAYS twist it around even with evidence staring them in the face. This is a BIG problem you are going to face throughout your relationship.

[Seymore]

And I know that if I bring that up she'll say "How was that insulting you?" She has a hard time seeing how she does anything bad unless I present her with a "if you were in my shoes" position. It almost makes me want to do the same thing back to her to show by example, but I can't do that. It's not me and I wouldn't do that to her.

 

She's coming over to cook me dinner tonight, so I told her I wanted to have a talk afterwards about how we can argue better, and that we need to learn to find a middle ground, not always "one person is right and the other is wrong". I'm going to sit her down with the map and ask her to point out the route she took, then I'm going to point out where I saw where she was according to her instructions. Neither of us will say who's right or wrong, but we will try to pinpoint where the miscommunication took place and figure out how to fix it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wish you good luck with this...the fact that she can't ever seem to see another person's point of view until she is presented with a case of how she would feel if it happened to her is not a good sign. There is a clear lack of empathy...everything revolves around her..she has a very self-centered way of thinking and I have to wonder about the rest of the relationship. It is great that she is cooking you dinner but that is nothing in the grand scheme of making relationships viable. She is hard wired this way and it will take a major willingness on her part to fix these bad behaviours...problem is she doesn't see them as bad. Even if you convince her to see the light in this instance, there will likely be a next time and a next time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is from a previous thread you started:

 

 

This woman is revolting..she has no respect for you and treats you like dirt. No amount of rational talk will get through to an irrational, drama queen. How long do you want to put up with being treated like this. You will never be able to "fix" a person like this. I wasn't off the mark in one of my previous posts about her behaviour being abusive...after seeing the above post I am more convinced than ever that this woman is an emotional abuser.

[Seymore]

Oh, I wasn't using dinner as an excuse for her behavior or anything, I was just saying she's coming over tonight. Thanks for the wishes of good luck. I'm not expecting a breakthrough or anything, just for her to start seeing that everything's not black and white and that other people have their reasons for thinking their way.

[ycmanvs]

So, what happened last night?

[Seymore]

Well, first - Crazyaboutdogs - that was almost 2 months ago, and things have definitely improved. I'm not sure if it's that she's quit smoking, gone off the pill, or started taking medication, but she's had less outbursts and if she ever does start going off the handle, I distance myself. I'm not quick to jump when she gets mad and says jump - I take MY time doing the things that I like, and if it needs to get done, she can do it. If she starts acting up I just tell her "don't start" and she stops. It's hard, because I'm acting like I don't care, but I do. It's a little more relaxing for me, though.

 

As far as last night, I stopped at my parents' on the way home. I had a talk with my mom about it over coffee, and she said it was the stupidest thing to even get upset over, and that my dad is the exact same way - never will admit he's wrong, so my mom just leaves it and lets him figure it out for herself. She said the next time my gf goes to work, she'll drive the same way and see for herself that she was wrong, so what's the big deal? My mother also said that if she were me, she wouldn't even bring up the map again - just leave it be and let her be right, even if she's not. My aunt was there, and chimed in that my other aunt and uncle are the exact same way, and so is my cousin and his girlfriend - the women are hot and hard-headed, and the guys are all calm, but it's certainly not something to get overly upset about.

 

I went home and had dinner with my girl, and she gave me a hug and said she didn't want to fight with me. I had told her that we need to start finding a middle ground in arguments, not place the other in an extreme, like wrong or right. I told her she needs to understand that people can be mistaken, not always right or wrong, and used an example that applies greatly to me:

 

Often times, she'll ask me "Honey, can you get X item in the cupboard for me?" and I'll look for it. It'll be in plain sight sometimes, but I won't see it. But just because I can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I told her it was the same with the circle - just because she didn't see it didn't mean it wasn't there and she was right - she may have missed it. But by telling me I'm wrong over and over again, she's denying that she could possibly make any mistake and putting me down without proof. She started to understand, but we'll see how it pans out the next time. I haven't forgotten.

[ycmanvs]

It sounds like a good beginning. If she is taking steps to better herself and she is at least listening to what you have to say, then you are doing well.

Just keep at it.

Her personality will not change over night, but hopefully you will be able to negotiate a way of dealing with arguments that will make both of you happy.

[Seymore]

Well, we had an argument a couple months ago about that post Crazyaboutdogs brought up, and I almost just broke it off. It ended with her saying something like: "All I know is that I want to marry you someday, so if that's what it takes, I'll do what I can to change, but I can't promise I won't slip at times.", and she took the steps like I said - quit smoking, quit the pills because she thought it was throwing her hormones into overdrive, etc. I know she's trying, but sometimes it's rough.

[Ayanokōji]

Back in the days there was this asian kid that would get severely beaten up if he did not achieve at least all A on every subject at school.

 

Guess what that lead to? He always had to be right, because he knows if he was ever wrong there would be consequences.

 

Try to find out the cause of why she always has to be right, sometimes its fear sometimes its pride, whatever it is, once you know it it would help immensely as you would understand why that person is being like that.

[Thorshammer]

In my experience, i am stubborn and hardheaded to certain people... to others i am not. No freaking surprise these "certain" people are also stubborn and hardheaded. So, with some people, you will clash. I would try to focus on both of you being a team, learn to take each others side whenever a situation comes up, learn to accept her perspective while still adding you own.. and let it sit there, if anyone has insecurity that fuels them to feel that they need to fight to gain control- then that is another discussion.

[NewPhillyGuy]

This is my wife. I'm Mr. Right. She's Mrs. Always Right.

 

How do you deal with them? You don't. Don't try to win, because you will never. Don't even bother trying to understand them, because it's just not possible. You'll drive yourself insane. Don't try to explain to them what they are doing is wrong, because they will never get it. They only get that they are right, even when they are dead wrong.

 

I agree that deep down people like this are VERY insecure. They need to work this out themselves. You can't change that.

 

To deal with difficult people in general, you have to set boundaries and enforce consequences. For example, my wife (soon to be ex...) would always drive me crazy while driving. I would set the GPS, and she would constantly tinker with it, tell me it's wrong. Of course you know more than the GPS dear. What really used to drive me insane was if she didn't agree with my GPS, she would turn on her phone's GPS, so then I had to listen to her say that two GPSs were wrong.

 

When I had finally had it, I said - listen, when I am driving, I use ONE GPS. That is my own. I said your phone GPS stays off and your human (her rude mouth) GPS also stays off. If you keep it up, you can go wherever you need to go by yourself, or if it is for me, you will be left out. Let me tell you how quickly that changed her attitude!

[poetryandlyrics]

I've noticed my SO, when he deals with difficult cilents who thinks they know his job better (it's a very technical job) for an example... He would just let them talk, then nod and go "Okay." I did the same when dealing with a difficult friend (then ex friend), adopting his stance as my friend is one of those people as well. I've long given up trying to give them my perspective or such as NewPhillyGuy would say and would just shrug, nod, go "If that's how you think." or "Okay." But honestly, it would frustrate me the most if I was in a relationship with one of those people. Perhaps you could just shut up, let her make the mistakes and back off when it's her thing. But yes, set up boundaries when it's for your thing. My SO does the same when (I can't recall an experience at the moment) like, I found some information, he says otherwise, and I am skeptic, he would leave it open-ended for me to find out for sure or something. I always research further anyway. I'm not a headstrong person as much and would frequently go, "I know... (...)... But I may be wrong." and leave it for them to take it or leave it, research it further or not.

[Silverbirch]

I really am not trying to be mean, but just wondering if your girl is more of an airhead than a person who is deliberately trying to be condescending or controlling. My ex always thought he was right about everything, but I think he had a lot of narcissistic traits. It's sounds like this girl does love you and is trying. Part of the time she does this, she may not even be aware it's more like an annoying habit of hers.

 

As for dealing with people like this in the workforce, I often have to deal with that. One of the approaches I take is to respond with something like:

 

"Oh yes, I see what you mean, but you know that there are some people who argue that xyz" (contrary opinion to theirs)The aim of that approach is to de-personalise criticisms and to acknowledge hearing that person. There's one woman who I have worked with on and off for years who has a notorious reputation for "always having to be right". I actually like her a lot because despite that about her, she has other really fabulous qualities. She said to someone that one of the things she likes about me is that if she criticises something I have done, I listen to her, can discuss things and that I often take on board at least some of the things she says - and actually, sometimes, she IS right. Anyway, just my opinion.

[Ayanokōji]

You want to be correct so bad that you even made a post on the forums about it.

 

Basically you are giving her face (by not calling her out blatantly in her face) BUT are not letting this go either and you'll always remember these incidents.

 

Either shrug it off and forget about it because you simply cannot be bothered making such an effort to fight about it.

 

or

 

You actually like proving that you are right and shes feuding it, you know in your heart "Ha! I was right but I'm the bigger person so I'm going to let you save face but I KNOW I'm right"

 

or

 

You absolutely hate this and this is a deal breaker, in this case call her out on it.

[pl3asehelp]

Just like dealing with anyone else. Let them know when they're wrong. How they react is their own problem.