I saw him yesterday evening. My life has been standing still. Dead still. Ever since.

[Hunny1607307342]

Six weeks of not seeing him. I left for France and we said the sweetest goodbye, I love you, I miss you and I'll be seeing you. Whilst I was away however, I did something unforgivable (see earlier thread if you want to know the full story) and we broke up. I came back after one month, but it was over, completely over. So that was the last memory i had of seeing him, and thats all, i had no other expectations and i couldnt imagine seeing him again in reality - only my dreams.

 

 

SO, I am at the gym on a X-trainer, in my own world, doing my own thing, when a figure of a man starts walking towards me on my right.

 

I glance towards the figure, i recognise the shoes and bag.

 

I consider it might be Him,

But I always consider this, and it Never is.

My eyes move upwards,

They move accross his torso and face,

Recognition overcomes me,

No, no, it cannot be -- Its HIS face,

Those eyes, those lips

The eyelashes, the glimmers,

They’re his.

but its not His hair,

His head is completely shaved, and he now has a beard.

 

So i just stare at him, completely shocked. He looks to me, says "Hello," says something else, moves closer, but I dont talk.

Could the ghost that I’d been seeing?

Be subject to this dire reality?

I refuse to believe, but I also refuse not to,

I am speechless.

He moves even closer

He says something else

I still do not respond.

I remain still, staring at this man

He says something else

And I cannot bring myself to talk.

I slowly, edging, very carefully, I remove myself from the cross trainer,

Whilst being careful not to remove my eyes off his face,

And whilst being careful not to shift my gaze,

In case it is not real, and in case it fades away,

Body Moving but my eyes fixated on his place

I position myself before him,

Directly in front of him.

 

I finally speak. I say "Hello", I ask how he's doing, we have general chit chat, He mentions his hair, he brings it up, saying he fancied a change. In the past I always told him i hated short hair, so for our entire relationship it had been long surfer type and lucious. Now its all gone I say it suits him nevertheless because i dont know what else to say. He offers me some of his dried fruit, he asks how i've been doing, And my Talking is ERRATIC, Im nervous so i sound very jumpy and i go on irrelevant Rants.

I wanted to drop in that i am sorry, sorry for the way i acted and that i would see someone to see if i have a personality disorder -- then quickly get embarrassed and say not that i would call it such a thing.

He says not a lot, other than its ok. (But i know its not ok, If it was we would never have broken up). I quickly change the subject and say i have for him things i bought back from France, foods vinegars i told him i'd buy before the travesty happened. He made it adamantly clear he shant be accepting gifts at all.... So I said its fine and that i'll let him get to his swim.

 

Then i wondered, what was he doing up here at all?? He was wearing jeans and formal shoes....with a bag on his shoulder, and he had come to use the pool. Why did he come upstairs onto the top floor of the gym? Was it to check if i was there....? Maybe.

I quickly called my friend and told her what happened and how i spoke. She said I sounded silly and i got embarrassed so i wanted to change the situation. So an hour later i went to check the car park to see if his car is still there, and it is, so as im turning back hes already outside....i quickly make up an explanation as to why im there.

He gives me the rest of his dried fruit and nuts, this big massive pack and i take it. I say " Listen, i was wondering if we could talk about everything, about what i did because there must be many misunderstandings, and then perhaps it would it be okay if we were friends?" And he says "I'l be civil but nothing more, ive been through the heartbreak and pain but i dont want to think about it anymore, give me one good reason why i should help you or why i should care". He avoids my eyes, so heavily avoiding eye contact.

I tell him i think of him on so many occasions dinners/parties/convos thinking wouldnt it be better if we could just be normal with each other and just talk ... and he says I think of you on all these occasions too, but it doesnt matter, I'm normal with you but I dont trust you, i dont trust you one bit.

I ask for just one coffee, just one talk. He says No and hes had enough, that he doesnt want to waste his time on me anymore.... those words hurt me like nothing else.... I say alright and i'll see you later, before i quickly run off i say " Actually you know what i feel a little sick please take the pack cashew nuts back " and i put them in his hand, "What about if you gave them to your family?" He says, and I say No, shake my head quickly and run off to leave, And as I do so he throws the bag of food to the ground with a smash.

 

 

 

 

I should never have run into him the second time...i really shouldnt have. Dont you think? After this incident happened i ran back into my street and knelt down and cried intensely for about an hour or two. Is he hurting this much? Does it break his heart as much? Does he feel the same pain? Please tell me what you think, your thoughts on this, please tell me also if ive done anything wrong...

 

I cannot eat, move, or do Anything. I'm paralysed and wondering what is going on, wondering if i've pushed him further away.

[liquer]

Give yourself some time. Don't be too hard on yourself of course this is going to hurt.

[Mock Chop]

He's already far away from you. The damage is done, and he's drawn his line and will not let you step over it, that much is crystal clear. He flat out said he doesn't trust you - how far you must have pushed him for him to be so matter of fact about it. You maybe reinforced to him that you're not okay, not by a long shot, and in doing so settled it in his mind that he did the right thing. And you know what? I think he did too. If he hadn't, you'd have gone on and on the way you were. This way you get the chance to change, to grow and to learn. Seek the help you need to get a better understanding of yourself and the behaviours that are unhealthy and destructive.

[Hunny1607307342]

He's already far away from you. The damage is done, and he's drawn his line and will not let you step over it, that much is crystal clear. He flat out said he doesn't trust you - how far you must have pushed him for him to be so matter of fact about it. You maybe reinforced to him that you're not okay, not by a long shot, and in doing so settled it in his mind that he did the right thing. And you know what? I think he did too. If he hadn't, you'd have gone on and on the way you were. This way you get the chance to change, to grow and to learn. Seek the help you need to get a better understanding of yourself and the behaviours that are unhealthy and destructive.

 

Hey thankyou for the advice.

Im sure he did the right thing on one level but I sort of cant help thinking that he's also being slightly mean about all of this. He could be a bit more supportive, say things that dont have such a harsh edge. I feel like he deliberately tracked me down to stab my heart and get minor revenge.

[liquer]

Hey thankyou for the advice.

Im sure he did the right thing on one level but I sort of cant help thinking that he's also being slightly mean about all of this. He could be a bit more supportive, say things that dont have such a harsh edge. I feel like he deliberately tracked me down to stab my heart and get minor revenge.

 

 

I know how that feels. Tragic.

[pumpkinmoon]

Hunny,

 

I am sorry you are going through this again. I thought you were back together and still together because I hadn't seen your posts in the other forums because I spend most of my time here.

 

It does seem like he is being overly mean when there is no need of it but he does sound very frustrated and hurt that it has come to this again so that is probably why. I don't think him coming up to you in the gym was a good idea if all he can offer you is being civil towards you. I really cannot see why he would do that and he shouldn't have.

 

I think you need to stop this now and focus on yourself because right now, after reading about the string of events there is no hope with him at this time. I know you drove yourself crazy last time when you were trying to get him back for months only to be rejected time and time again. It must have been exhausting for you and I would hate for you to put yourself through that again. Things are still very raw for the both of you and I think you need to put a considerable amount of time and space between the two of you.

 

I am not saying there is no hope for the future, because anything is possible but right now its a no go. I think you really need to get yourself better and get over this and him for now. Hope this helps you xx

[Hunny1607307342]

hi guys thank you very much for your support. yeah shoe i did something awful which made me realise im far too off the rails to even be in a relationship. Too bad i found this out about myself the way i did...xx

[liquer]

hi guys thank you very much for your support. yeah shoe i did something awful which made me realise im far too off the rails to even be in a relationship. Too bad i found this out about myself the way i did...xx

 

 

Sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. What could you have possibly done to justify saying that?

 

That is a pretty damning indictment of yourself.

[Hunny1607307342]

in my previous thread its there...anyway, my mum and him had been in contact via text this morning. he sent a really very polite text about thanking her for the support in relationship and apologising for drama in the past etc.etc. And then at the end put that he doesnt want to make it sound like a dramatic final farewell but that was just some thoghts he wanted to speak out.

im not sure what to make of it.

[Mock Chop]

You see, I don't think he's being 'mean'. From what's been written, he's hurting too and maybe just trying to make sense of it in his own way. People deal with things in different ways (valuable lesson number 1 that I learned!), and just because it's not the way 'you' would deal with it, it doesn't follow that their way is mean or wrong. It's just their way. If you personalise it then yeah, it's mean and it sucks. If you're more objective, maybe you can see it was something he needed to do to clear things in his own mind.

 

None of us know what he's thinking or why he sought you out (if indeed that's what he did).