we broke up but we're still friends

[emmyspartan20]

I am 20 and dated a 27 year old for two years. We had a great relationship, or so I thought, and we were seriously talking about marriage. He told me I was the one and bought me a diamond ring. I go to college and over the summer we spent every moment together. In the fall when it was time to go back to school, he was sad he visited me every opportunity he had, and then things started to fall apart. He broke up with me in October. He said it took him a long time to realize that he didn't want a girlfriend. We still talk everyday and saw eachother over christmas break every day. He gets jelous if I talk to other men, and sends me messages saying "muah" and and then the second I start talking serious he reminds me that he doesn't want a girlfriend. I am too young blah blah. SOmetimes we even still have sex. I went home last weekend, and we had sex and everything seemed fine. But I know deep in my heart that he doens't want to marry me anymore. I don't know what to do and I need some advice.

[Frodo Baggins]

It doesn't look like he's interested in marriage or anything serious, but rather in a "friends with benefits" arrangement. He basically wants all the fun stuff without the commitment, but if it works for you and you don't mind, that's cool; if you're expecting a relationship with him though, that's not likely to happen.

[The Morrigan]

He's right - at the moment, he's getting all the benefits of a relationship with you, without any committment or strings, where he HAS to put in effort to maintain it. He can come to you as he wishes for what he's missing, and not have any worries about a "relationship" with all the implications on the rest of his time. If you're at ease being his gal when he wants you, and not with any control over what he gives you, that's fine... but as I've said before, this kind of "friends with benefits" arrangement only works when both people are of the same mindset, or someone, the one who is more deeply invested, gets hurt. If he really wants you badly enough to decide maybe a relationship is worthwhile - he's got to have the incentive of losing those benefits first. Right now he has no need to reevaluate, because his needs are being met outside one. Take a step back and ask yourself what you want - and take it from there. Keep in mind even if HE doesn't want to commit in order to have all the benefits of a relationship, there's plenty of guys who would be MORE than willing to make you their one and only. Don't make the mistake of letting him have what he wants only out of fear of losing him, because the way things are now, he has you - but you don't truly have him. Take care of yourself,

[Frodo Baggins]

Very true, Morri, that sort of arrangement works when both parties are not interested in a relationship and are aware of what's going on. It's the mutual understanding that keeps them from getting seriously hurt. But if one person is more committed than the other, then it becomes a more malicious affair since that person is using your feelings to get what he/she wants. It's almost parasitic that way because they know you still love them and they use that for their own benefit. It's a kind of sexual extortion, and if that's the case, it is highly recommended that you get out of the relationship or change it to where it's fairer for both parties. Otherwise you'll just be a host to a parasite.