YiA Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Even as I'm writing this, I know what needs to be done. I guess I am just seeking advice, affirmation. My boyfriend of 5 years (living together with our young daughter for about 2 of those) absolutely refuses to spend time with me. When he goes out with his friends, even when it's couples and not 'just the guys', I am specifically NOT invited, and he tells me so. Also cases like this: When we were invited to his friends wedding, we both went. After the ceremony, there was some time in between the ceremony and the reception. He was an usher and had some things to take care of. So I went to get my nails done quickly, and he said he'd call me when he got to the reception. By the time I got sick of waiting and angry(it was about 3 hours or so later) I called HIM and he said that the reception was over and they were heading to someones house for an afterparty. He didnt volunteer any info as to WHERE it was or anything. I was pissed to the point of tears and just ended up going home. He of course lied to everyone why I wasn't there. That happens a lot-on the rare occasion that we DO go out together, its like he purposefully does something stupid like that to ruin it. Eventually he just stopped making any effort to spend time with me altogether. His friends are his priority. We pretty much ignore each other at home as well. This isn't the only problem we have, but if I listed them all it would take all night...lol...but what do you gys think? Is this fixable or should I see this as one of the many reasons to leave his ass...? (I am hesitant to leave him for financial reasons, plus he is NOT a jerk to my kid...he's a loving dad and a better disciplinarian than I am...it seems like he has great relationships with everyone BUT me...) Link to comment
arwen Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Do I understand correctly that it is YOUR daughter and not his? I think that there is little 'relationship' to speak of. I'd be very pissed of if a bf treated me like this- the point or a relationship is a life together, not a life apart, right? I can't tell you if it's beyond repair- but I have the impression that there is a LOT to be fixed and changed if this is ever to work out. Please don't stay in a cold relationship for finances- you are paying it with your happiness now. Link to comment
AJ Auteur Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Leave. Toxic relationships will destroy you. The fact that he doesn't want to communicate says it all. Joint custody...child support... Link to comment
onewithbooks Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 You deserve better. You know you do. There is no sense in wasting anymore time on this guy when he obviously doesnt care. You deserve someone who cares. Why waste one more day? If he is good to your daughter, he will probably continue to be good to her even if the two of you arent living together. Your time and feelings and love are precious, dont waste anymore of it on him. Its obvious he doesnt deserve it. Link to comment
YiA Posted September 7, 2008 Author Share Posted September 7, 2008 Wow, thanks for the quick replies. He did the same crap to me again today. He went out with some friends (both of whom are married and all hanging out together). Not only was I not invited, but he's about 8 hours late coming home. I feel a bit more empowered to feed him a little slice of hell at the ver least when he does decide to show up. Any more thoughts? They sure do help!! Edit: Im not trying to say that all our ruined nights are all his fault...Ill pick a fight if he leaves me by myself at a bar to go chat with his friends, or if I see him flirting, or if he spends too much drinking, or if he ditches me... Oh, wait. HOLY CRAP! It IS all his fault...lmao Link to comment
AJ Auteur Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Yea, don't give him hell when he comes home. Remain relaxed, calm, distant and even amused. Its over. The time for anger is past. All thats left is the exit strategy. Link to comment
onewithbooks Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Dont be angry. Do one better. Be done. Not to be a witch but, stop being his toilet. Just flush the crap and walk away. Link to comment
Caterina Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Hard situation. If you've talked about it, he's being very unloving. Have you tried talking to him and he doesn't change? I'd put my suitcase on the bed and start filling if if you know what I mean. How is your daughter...this is probably hard on her, to. Link to comment
YiA Posted September 7, 2008 Author Share Posted September 7, 2008 I wonder though. WHY is it so hard to leave someone that you no longer not only love, but barely even LIKE? My only excuses that I could think of were: 1. the sex (even if its only like once a month)even though he's disgusting me to the point where I will do without, and I have a VERY healthy sexual appetite. He does to, just not for me 2. I am scared to raise our daughter alone, and am PETRIFIED of spending the rest of my life with my kid looking at some other floozy as any type of 'mom' to her (and other types of baby mama drama) 3....ok, that's probably it. I posted here a while back about his porn problem. He also talks bad about me to other women on his myspace page, he flies into drunken rages about the time I 'cheated' on him (even though I dated this guy AFTER we broke up once), on top of that claims he cheated on me 6 times (I really wanted to believe he only said that to hurt me and it wasnt true...lol...how pathetic is that...?!) he doesnt contribute financially other than for our kid, and other ongoing problems. I admit I have a jealousy problem, but he does NOTHING in the way of affirming or convincing me that I SHOULDNT be jealous, other than get an angry attitude with me. So why is it so hard to walk away from misery like that? I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way...right? Edit: If one of us was to leave the residence it would be him, caue heaven forbid he should pay any bills. Link to comment
Butterflygrl Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Because something in our mind tells us that we aren't good enough for anything else. Whether it's our upbringing, or how we let them chip a way at us. You have to stop the cycle or your DAUGHTER will learn from you and learn that -what her father does to her mother is love. She will look for that. Show your daughter that, if men treat you like this, you leave. period. How immature of a MAN to post things on his myspace about you. How old is he 16? that's weird. You can't put up with that. Just like the other posters said. Don't get angry or give him hell. Plan a day, pack his things and put them in storage for him- pay for three months of storage put his stuff in it, change the locks and be done. That speaks volumes. And maybe write a little letter that says. Ask your married friends if you can spend the night with them. I'm sure they won't mind. Link to comment
onewithbooks Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 I dont ask why is it so hard to leave, but why would you want to stay? Link to comment
YiA Posted September 7, 2008 Author Share Posted September 7, 2008 Thank you for all your replies. I have decided to leave him. When he came home I tried to talk to him about what was going on, he got in my face, called me names and didn't let me say my side. I decided that he doesn't deserve to be a full time father to my kid, much less be with me. Thank you for your support. Link to comment
redrose85 Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Oh that's terrible. I'm so glad you're leaving! Best of luck to you, and keep posting for support Link to comment
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