Is this a good idea??

[daphne_girl]

I hope I get lots of responses, because I really need some serious advice and opinions. Below is my situation. I will try to keep it short, even though it is somewhat complicated, like so many stories on this forum are.

 

I met this guy in the fall of 2004 in a political group that I'm involved in. I got to know him through this group, and I would see him at the various events. In the summer of 2005, he broke up with his girlfriend. He started IM-img me and wanted to start hanging out. We went to see a movie, but it really didn't go any further than that. Although I liked him, I was at that time chasing after someone else (which turned out to be a waste of time), and I was a little scared because I had never really been in a relationship before.

 

So we would chat on IM/send emails every now and then. Fast forward to the summer of 2007. I had been doing some online dating, and was beginning to feel more comfortable dating, and I was thinking about him again. So I IMed him, and we met more coffee. The following week we went out to a bar, he walked me back to my car and kissed me goodnight. It was a pretty intense kiss. So I started seeing him more often -- but, usually during the week--- and he was never really big on calling me up and setting dates. He had let me borrow a book of his; after not hearing from him for a couple weeks, I left the book on his doorstep, figuring that he just wasn't interested. He called me up and wanted to know why I didn't drop off the book in person, and I told him because I thought he wasn't interested in me. He said that wasn't true, he just wasn't looking for anything serious.

 

Now, when I hear this I think that the guy just isn't interested. But I learned after talking to some people that knew him (and he also told me a little about it) that just a couple months prior, he had gone through a really, really bad break up. I think he was going through a phase where he just wanted to date and wasn't looking for a relationship. So we kind of existed somewhere between friends and maybe something more (no sex), but again, I didn't really hear from him on a regular basis.

 

So, here is where the most recent chapter begins. This past April, he invited me over to his house to watch an HBO miniseries. I saw him five weeks in a row. We would sit on the couch, and kuddle, he would touch me, but he never tried to kiss me. I was left wondering if he had feelings for me. I never posed the question, I probably should have.

 

So here is what I want advice on: I am the kind of person that sees things in black and white, with no middle ground. Most likely, I think that this guy is probably just a player, and that he never really had feelings for me, because he never came out and said it and never persued me.

 

But, I find myself thinking about him alot, and wondering, what if he did want something more, was hoping something would happen in April, but thinks he blew it by not trying harder last summer because he was still hurting from the last relationship and wasn't ready?

 

I'm not sure what I should do. I want him, but don't want to look desperate, and I'm afraid that I will look that way. Should I go see him and ask him if he has feelings for me? Or should I just leave things as they are? I need some answers, please.

[lostandhurt]

The most direct way to find out is to ask. The worst way is to play games for weeks and then never really know if you read his intentions correctly. It seems like he was straight with you before so why wouldn't he be now. If he is a player, he is in slow motion as most don't wait around long if there is no sex. Fear of being hurt is a powerful motivation to protect ones self. He might be even waiting to see if the other girl will come back to him. I think the best course would be to ask. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain. You won't look desperate, you will look like you are in control of your life not just sitting by waiting for some guy to decide if he is ready for a relationship. good luck

[amipushy]

 

 

Now, when I hear this I think that the guy just isn't interested.

But, I find myself thinking about him alot, and wondering, what if he did want something more, was hoping something would happen in April, but thinks he blew it by not trying harder last summer because he was still hurting from the last relationship and wasn't ready?

 

I'm not sure what I should do. I want him, but don't want to look desperate, and I'm afraid that I will look that way. Should I go see him and ask him if he has feelings for me? Or should I just leave things as they are? I need some answers, please.

 

 

I appreciate that you have been wondering but if HE had been wondering those same thing he would be calling you/emailing you/Iming you or knocking your door to find out.

 

Don't waste your time on a wishy-washy guy who you know deep down isn't interested.

[bijoux27]

Doesn't sound like he really really wants you. It seems like he enjoys your company (maybe when he has noone else) since he would cuddle with you but nothing more (no maknig out, no relationship, etc.). So he is just using you to fill up his time.

[daphne_girl]

Thank you so much for the responses so far. I think that I'm just a little depressed right now, and just imagining that having him would make things better. I look forward to more imput. Thanks

[D_Lish]

I doubt that this guy is laying in bed at night, wide awake with thoughts of what could have been with you....

If he'd wanted something more back then, he'd have made every effort to get it back then.

 

Honestly hon, if a man has interest, you would know about it. And if he does, there is no need to come into forums such as ENA and ask if he does...

He'd be knocking down your door!!

 

You are 32, so I'm figuring this is a man we are talking and not a 'boy'.....

Men make their interest known and are not afraid to make it known.

And I don't buy the 'I'm looking for nothing more at the minute' excuse...

That's the excuse I give, when I'm not interested....

And I mean c'mon....he's been split up with her, 3 YEARS!!!

[daphne_girl]

I doubt that this guy is laying in bed at night, wide awake with thoughts of what could have been with you....

 

D Lish---you are so right. I keep trying to tell myself this. In my heart I know I'm wasting so much time over this guy who isn't worth it.

 

But out of curiosity, has anyone ever had an experience that I described? Two people that thought the other wasn't interested, but it turned out they were? I'm sure the answer will mostly likely be no, because it does sound outlandish, but I'd like to hear any stories anyway.

[Batya33]

He's not using you - he's entitled to assume that you're fine dating him casually since he was honest with you about his disinterest in a serious relationship with you (or unavailability -- but my guess is, it was an excuse).

 

Sure, two adults can be ignorant of the other's interest but most men I know would never want to risk a lady they're interested in meeting another man because she thought he wasn't interested, so they make their interest clear at least by asking the lady out on proper dates, and, after some period of time - usually after a month or two of dating, broaching the subject of being exclusive.

 

My bf and I, when we reconnected 8 years after ending our relationship, weren't sure of the other's interest for about a month. During that month we spoke by phone a few times, emailed a few times, and got together twice for non-dates (he had just broken up with someone but he wasn't asking me on dates, just friendly, platonic outings). We each suspected there might be interest in dating. During the third non-date he asked me if I wanted to start dating him again.

 

So, sure, there can be a period of time when two people have not yet discussed dating, but if two people are hanging out and hooking up - whether it's sex or any kind of romantic touching -- and one person has told the other he/she is not interested in something serious, then it's assumed that that's the deal unless the two people discuss it otherwise.

[daphne_girl]

Thanks for all of the advice. After reading these responses and thinking about it, I'm starting to realize that I probably made up some stuff in my head because I was feeling lonely. Yes, I'm sure he's not thinking about me. He would have called.

 

But I still welcome anyone else's input/experiences. Thanks!!