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Need Anti-Depressants, or are my hormones just out of balance?


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I really don't know what is wrong with me, I have highs and lows it seems.



I don't know if it was being on Depovera so long that messed me up, or that I just got off it and started taking the b-control pill and found out I had been taking them BACKWARDS and messed up my estrogen level etc, and have to start over, or everything else thats going on.


Idk what it is. I have moments during the day where I REALLY happy and everything is fine, and I'm positive and everything is great. Then I have really sad and depressed moments where I feel like I'm a reject, I'm not good enough for my boyfriend, and I am just a screw up. I'm NEVER this down on myself, so I dont know what the deal is.


I know my family, boyfriend and friends (I have alot of them) really love and care for me.


But the thing is, college is a whole new transition. I know I need to be positive and focus on the good things in my life, I have ALOT of them and I know soo many people have so much less then me and I need to be thankful, and I am, but sometimes I cant control my emotions and it frustrates me.


I mean, I was waiting for my mom to pick me up today and I got DEAD depressed. I get out of class at 2, and I had to wait 3 hrs for her to pick me up. I'm 19 and dont have a car or driver's liscense. I passed my driver's test and I know how to drive, altho I need alot more practice, but thats not the issue. The main issue is us needing to get money for insurance AND a car. My Stepdad totaly walked out on my mom back in March, and she;s been doing so much, and she's driving me everywhere and I feel so useless and angry, even though its not my fault. I feel like a huge burden, and my stepdad isnt doing anything to help.


My boyfriend is going to college 5 hrs away from me and I dont get to see him as much as I like, and I'm having a hard time with that. Most days I'm fine, but other times I just get really depressed. (I really think these moods are b-control) But yeah I dont know...He's there for me and we love eachother so much, but he has college too and even an bigger transition because hes totaly on his own and sometimes I just take a TEXT the wong way. And then I tell myself its not a big deal and am positive (My real self) And then its like, this whole other hormornal side kicks in and takes over. Then I get all depressed, and it passes after a little bit and I'm back to normal. Good as new.


I've just been crying today, because I couldn't hang out with friends. I feel like such a lost cause because I'd like to go to my boyfriend's school but I know I can't go to a university until I get my AA because I struggle in math, and had to have modifications all through out high school, and even in college now taking pre algebra I'm struggling. I dont have anyone now to let me use a calculater, and hold my hand, and mark problems off my test to make it easier, I'm on my own. If I fail a test, my grade suffers. I cant just make it up and get a 70% on it and pass, thats not how it works now. I would totaly bull * * * * high school. I got good grades. Expec my senior year. Although I totaly flunked math until I was in the special classes.


I have trouble doing any form of math, I have even forgotten how to do the bare basics because I was so reliant on the calculater, telling time on a regular clock is slow for me (I was too lazy to learn) and even driving is difficult to me.


Where as ANYTHING with reading, writing, and english is a breeze. I dont even have to try, and I'm using vocab far beyond my level, writing EXCELLENT papers and working on a book that I have been since I was 16, (has 20,000 words) I even met with editors and they said it was absolutly fantastic and I have so much talent and when it reaches 50,000 It will almost most deffinatly get published, I have such a way with words they say. I blow my english teachers away, and make my peers in awe. Why can't I be happy about that instead of focusing on my weaknesses?


I know its amazing that I can just WATCH someone play a complex song on the piano, and be able to pick it up right away without missing a beat, I know I'm very skilled in music and can out sing most people, and that I can remember songs from the time when I was in 3rd grade, and be able to play these blindfolded. And that many other things I'm great at!


So why am I only focusing on the neagtive?


I was on anti deppresents ONCE when I was in 8th grade for a month. Social anxiety, there was a big reason though.


Theres not a reason now.


Idk. I want to feel better, but I also dont want to loose my sex drive. These moods come and go. And they have only started to get really bad since I've been on the pill. prob because I did it backwards.



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