I've got a problem can anyone relate?

[TexasDad]

I feel lost when my kids are gone. I have a daughter that will be 7 in Sept. and a son who will be 3 on the fourth. They go to my ex's every 1st,3rd and 5th weekends BUT the weekends although determined by "Fridays" actually start on Wednesday at 4:15 pm. But anyway when they are gone I feel lost, oh I'll have big plans like well, I get the house cleaned or yard work done, but I feel empty when they are gone, and though I will get some stuff done I never get it all done like I plan.

 

Then when they are home I don't know if I feel guilty or what but most of the time they either want me to play with them or at any given time one of them wants to just sit in my lap and watch TV. I mean they are "kids" for such a short while I just can't refuse their request because before you know it they are teenagers not wanting to be seen with you...LOL

 

I guess I suffer from a mild depression when they are gone. I call them most every night while they are with the ex, most of the time my son doesn't want to talk on the phone so I just speak with my daughter as was the case last night. Last night though about a half an hour after speaking with my daughter I got a call from my son he said “daddy, I want to come to your house” I said that was up to your mom, then I heard him tell his mom he was done talking, he returned to the phone and I told him I love you and he said I love you too and that was it. I hate that.

 

Anyway here I am alone for the holiday weekend, I have a few friends left from growing up around these parts but as would be expected they all have families and obligations, hell I spent so much time at one of their house’s this summer that his teenage daughter finally said in a joking way "why are you here so much" I told her my kids were gone so I come over here for you and your sister to be my surrogate kids...

 

I was awarded my house in the divorce and the most custody you can get in “joint” custody which is what Texas favors in divorces, but at the end of the day I have little to no money left for me to go out on, not to mention I live about 40 mile east of Dallas and it’s “entertainment district”. I kept the house to try and give the kids a sense of home and it seems to be working, they feel safe and secure here.

 

I don’t know I am kind of just rambling, I would like to have a social life, but now at 44 with no single friends I feel like that creepy guy if I go out to a bar/club by myself. I had big plans to hit a happy hour Friday after work, I just didn’t make it, you know hell it rained a little on my drive home and that was enough for me to make an excuse not to go, you know since traffic would probably be bad after a rush hour rain and all…LOL excuses…

 

After all for the last 11 years I have been a “family man” committed in marriage and then being a father for the last 7 years, I just have no desire to be anything else, as a matter of fact that was all I ever wanted to be, but now without a wife and my kids being gone I am lost…

 

“Marriage” what an F-ing crock that turned out to be huh?

 

I’m finding it hard to “get a life” when the life I wanted I had, but is gone now, and I guess I have no goals, but what am I to do? Set a goal like “my new goal in life is to go out on the town”? LOL really what’s a guy to do when all you really want to be is a family but now you are relegated to being a family part time?

 

Ahh well there is always tonight huh? Maybe I’ll make that drive into Dallas, or maybe I’ll just fall asleep on the couch during the 10 o’clock news again who knows…

 

Excuse my ramblings, sometimes it just helps to write it down for someone else to read…

[tina-rocks]

Hi,

 

you must be feeling really awful today. I know that feeling. Marriage sucks I know.

 

I haven't even bothered to get dressed today. Sun out and I'm still in my Pjs.

 

Good idea to take yourself out if you can. I might eventually venture out the house too.

 

Tina

[kuhl282000]

I’m finding it hard to “get a life” when the life I wanted I had, but is gone now

 

I'm in the same boat .......and I'm 58 ......

 

you got no choice .....you have to try and build another dream and keep trying .....no matter what ........we have to get back out there .........stay plugged in

get off that sofa and get busy .....do something ...anything

 

Something will pop .....it always does ......

 

I know where you're at .....I just lost the love of my life to ........she was the one and now she is gone to .........dreams shattered in one day.

 

When the kids get a certin age ......they come to you ....just send them cards and letters and let them know you love them ......you're single again .......and your ending has not been written yet ......so make it a good one.

[just M.E.]

Hey Texas Dad,

 

I think all those feelings are very normal, that sense of loss when they are gone, the feeling a loose ends, not being able to apply your attention, etc. You have gone through something that is very difficult, you have watched dreams die and your family torn and divided.

 

I also agree with you about the time with your children, they won't remember all the details of housekeeping when they are older, they will remember their time with you. Nothing wrong with what you are doing.

 

You are very normal and a slight depression isn't something unexpected. I think many of us have had at least that. I have that same issue and it seems to come and go.

 

East of Dallas? I drive down to Northern Louisiana where my daughter is in school with her husband and daughter. I usually swing around the east side of Dallas to avoid that traffic mess, the go north and heads toward Amarillo.

 

I'm going back in December for grandchild #2.

[John Bendix]

M.E.,

 

You better stop and see us this time! I live just east of Ft. Worth.

 

TexasDad,

 

Sometimes we concentrate too much on one facet of our live situation. My teacher would ask us, when we hurt some part of our body and were jumping around in pain, why are you just concentrating on the part that is hurt? Why don't you think about how good your other hand feels. When we did, the pain in that hurt part subsided. It is true also with emotional pain.

 

I have felt the same way that you have on many occasions. I just do not let it bother me that I feel that way. I let it come and go. My kids are older, 15, 20, and 22 but all live with me.

 

They are more important than anything in my life. I have had a great life. If I go out to the great unknown today, I will not go with any regrets. I imagine that I would miss them.

 

If you do not accept your life situation as it is right now, w/o judging it or your self, and w/o the desire to have it other than it is, you are lost to the past and the future. And nothing can be accomplished in these two imaginary realms. The only effective place that your life can be dealt with (i.e. changed) is right now but you first have to accept, unconditionally, how things are in this moment.

[just M.E.]

M.E.,

 

You better stop and see us this time! I live just east of Ft. Worth.

 

You can count on it, I'll be the one needing a double shot of espresso, as I make the drive in one shot, no overnights. I figure, I can catch up on sleep when I'm dead.

 

 

I'm working on that living in the moment thing also, I have come a long, long way. I started during the marriage as it is a good survival technique in an emotionally abusive marriage. That's where I came to understand about a person's anger and unhappiness being owned by them and if they won't let go of it, no one can make them.

 

Texas Dad,

 

In spite of all the really crappy stuff that has happened, you have two wonderful children that you love. We can never second guess what our lives would have been like if we had taken another path, but you know you wouldn't have had those two children without that marriage. The fact that it ended is one of things in life we live with, we cannot change what we cannot change.

 

I too have had my time in the sun (and expect more!), I have no deep regrets, I berate myself at times for my foolish decisions, but in reality, I know, given the time, the place and my emotional ability at that time, it probably was all I could do. I strive to be more aware than I was in the past.

[bacci]

Hey there Texas Dad,

 

I have no advise for you but you asked if anyone could relate and I can. I am in pretty much the same situation with joint physical custody and time split pretty much half and half.

 

I have two daughters, ages 10 and 8. The living arrangements have been in place for two and a half years. I still feel something is missing when they are at their Dad's. Granted, sometimes i can get my head to do other things, I'm a grad student, there's always something pending, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like home without their laughter,without having to cook for them or play with them. It feels like something's not right. I know.

 

I didn't get the house, it was my exhusbands home so he kept it but we all moved out of town and I, like you, make a big effort trying to keep a three bedroom apartment (all I can afford as a grad student) just to give them as much as i can in terms of comfort, in terms of an ilusion that they haven't lost anything in the divorce. but they have. The other day my 10 year old daughter said: "It is unfair that because of your divorce I can't have a happy childhood". I reminded her my parents got a divorce and tried to communicate that i could relate to her pain, but that there was still plenty to be happy about and thats what we should focus on.

 

I think you should get out of the house, not sure if you should go for a drink alone, come on, with all your friends, someone could take an evening off the family to go with you. You should try to be social. You should find out that you are still attractive to the opposite sex. I'm not saying go date right away, but meet people. Get your confidence back. There will be someone ,once you have healed, who will pique your interest again. Who will want to rebuild with you, regardless of 'the baggage' we all have some, it means we have lived.

 

I can tell by what you have shared that you are an incredibly affectionate and patient Dad, a loving person, who just had some bad luck. i wish you and your ex wife could have worked things out, its terribly painful and frustrating when they just give up. Don't dwell there, that is what I avoid doing myself. Its so hard.

Maybe you could think of some of the things you did before you were a family man. Did you listen to music, did you play music, play any sports, or have you ever wanted to try something but didn't , well now is the time. "Stop thinking so much, act some more" someone told me this yesterday and today I started a painting, felt good. i still miss them but they are having fun today ,and they will have a new thing to experience and so will i nd tomorrow when they come back after 5days, we will all have more to share.

 

That's it. Its what it is.

I feel for you, but try to have some selfish time, its ok, you are allowed to, try to enjoy it or be productive,either way, its a time for you and you deserve it and need it right now.

Take care ad good luck!

Bacci

[redhearts]

Aww I'm sorry that totally sucks! I agree though, you seem like a really great dad who just wants to be there for his kids and spend your time with them. But at some point their going to grow up, so you might as well try to find a way to get out of the house now. OHHH maybe you can take a salsa class or something!

[benga]

Hey there.. I can relate to exactly what and how you are feeling about this. Being away from your children can be quite painful specially if that is not what you want. My daughter doesn't primarily live with me, though I have her from Friday thru Sunday each week, and I make sure that I am there to collect her come what may. I spend each moment of her waking hours of the weekend with her and the bond we share today, is so much more than what it would have been had I perhaps been with my wife. My daughter is beginning to understand the situation.. She is 4.5 years old. I see her drop subtle hints to her mother all the time... sometimes literally pleading her to come back home.

 

I know how this feels only too well. When my wife and I separated, the pain knowing that I will not be physical part of my daughters life everyday was sicknening. I don't know what hurt me more. The fact that my wife was unhappy and wasleaving or that I won't get to see my child everyday..

 

When I had stabilized emotionally, I think I transformed into a father that I would never have been had we still been together.. I value, treasure each moment that we are together. I never knew that I would so enjoy nurturing and caring for a child. I love feeding, bathing and generally monkeying around with her...

[lostinthoughts]

I wish I had something to add to what has been said here. I think, though it may sound hard, that you are lucky u have kids. If u do right by them it will pay off down the road in the what they will bring to you.

 

I am 52, will be getting divorced soon, and have no kids. I married late in life (45) which is only part of the reason.

 

I have been lonely of late as u describe. I do the best I can to keep busy and out of the house. I started playing tennis (group lessions) and doing volunteer work. This has helped. If your friends are true blue I am they would not mind u hagging with them