21 and the worst I've ever felt...

[DakotaSkye]

After responding to this thread ( ) in regards to an appearance issue, I really began thinking about how my own personal appearance has been influencing and, honestly, ruining my life. I've kept all of this to myself for a very long time because I'm incredibly ashamed of what my face has become. This is insanely difficult for me to write, but I can't keep it inside anymore.

 

To illustrate my problem, this is what I said in the posting: I got SEVERE acne a year and a half ago due to a medication I was on. It took me a full year to realize that my meds were causing the problem, but once I did, I immediately quit taking it. However, though most of the acne problem is gone, I have the absolute WORST acne scars you will ever see. And they will never go away. I'm permanently scarred this way at the age of 21. This should be the best time of my life, but I spend most of it in misery. I can't look at my naked face in the mirror without bursting into tears. My self-esteem is the lowest it's ever been just because of this stupid problem. I spent THOUSANDS of dollars on treatments and makeup, but it's still there. Even when I have makeup on, it's clearly evident to everyone, and I can't stand to go out in public.

 

This morning was particularly frustrating for me. I woke up and went for a run around 9. Most of the time I absolutely refuse to run when there's daylight because I'm incredibly ashamed of my naked face. But it was my only opportunity to excercise today, so I made it a quick jog and made sure no one saw me. When I got back, I hopped in the shower, then attempted the 25 minute process of applying my $30-a-jar makeup. I spent all that time doing EVERYTHING possible to diminish the appearance of my scars, as well as my ongoing and ever-present acne, and finally just burst into tears. I grew so incredibly frustrated and ashamed of myself that all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole. Eventually I gave up and went to work where I was painfully aware of all eyes on me and my bumps, scars, and discolorations. I ask myself every day what I did to deserve, what seems like, a horrible, never-ending punishment. I face the same challenge every single day, and I'm surprised I can even force myself to look in the mirror every morning.

 

I had low self-esteem before this whole incident, but now it's as low as it can get. Because of my skin, I can't see anything good about my appearance anymore. And when I watch TV, I'm angry because none of them are experiencing, or have experienced, the same problems. I think, "it's only me. I'm alone and I'm being punished." I'm never happy, even when things are going well, because I'm CONSTANTLY thinking about my face! I can't express any of these things to my boyfriend because he doesn't understand. I tried telling him how important this is to me, but he thinks I'm overreacting and should just stop b*tching about it.

 

I don't want to look good, I don't want to change myself, I just want to be the way I was! No one should have to live life looking this way!

 

As a last ditch effort, I looked up several plastic surgery and dermatology clinics which offer a couple different treatments for this problem. However, the cheapest one was priced around $900!!! And it wasn't guaranteed to be effective...

 

I am at my wits end. I am so sick and f*ing tired of this. I just want to be NORMAL and the way I was before all this! I'm on the verge of tears all of the time. I've ruined several moments with my boyfriend that should have been romantic, like showering, because I couldn't bear to show him my face, even though he says I look fine...

 

The most frustrating thing is not the scars, but the acne that keeps popping up IN ADDITION TO the scars, which then creates more scars! It's a never-ending cycle and NOTHING I do helps in any way! I exercise, I eat healthy, I take a multi-vitamin everyday, I wash my face thoroughly twice a day, I shower every day, I keep my hair of out my face, I NEVER touch my face, I wash my pillow cases every night, I use potent acne cream and I also use an expensive cream specially formulated for diminishing acne scars. None of it is doing any good and there are days when I honestly want nothing more than to just hide from people forever. I can't even stand looking at myself; why should other people have to see me and be disgusted?

 

I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish by creating this thread, if anyone even reads it all, but I just needed to get it out. I put this thread in the "Personal Growth" section because I still have hope I'll get past this. I just can't think of any way I'll be able to do that.

 

I can't enjoy my life anymore. I know my appearance shouldn't be so important, but it is. Haven't you ever seen someone with acne and been like, "That's so gross"...? Or judge people who have other imperfections, facial or otherwise? I know people do that to me as well, and I don't think I can take that anymore, that silent judgment. And the judgment of myself is even worse. If this doesn't go away soon, I will give up on everything. But it will never go away. Everything I've read says this condition will last the rest of my life. Until the wrinkles take over, I should just accept that this is what I'll go through life looking like.

 

Please don't bash me by saying I'm a whiner. I really don't need that right now and I think, if you were going through this, you'd feel the same way. So please, I really don't need to feel worse than I already do.

[barbielovesmac]

I am so sorry that you feel this way.

 

From what I can see in your picture, you are very beautiful.

 

You need to find it within yourself to accept that this is YOU, flaws and all. No one walking this god given earth is perfect.

 

You need to learn how to love yourself and to accept the things that you simply cannot change.

[help_me_out]

I was just about to say what barbielovesmac said and got beaten to it!

 

You do look lovely in your pic.

 

The one and only suggestion I can come up with to help is to look at your scars and accept/learn to like them. It may sound impossible but it's do-able and you will be so much happier for it.

 

you said yourself that surgery etc is extremely expensive AND has no guaranteed results. Well unless you suddenly win the lotto and can afford various treatments, I say stuff it!

 

Learn to like them if they aren't going anywhere. Seriously. Whether or not you manage this people will always notice and have their own judgements, however much make up to choose to put on to hide it.

 

the only way I can see that you're going to feel good again is to really look at yourself and learn to love what you see.

[redhearts]

I have the same problem oh it sucks huh! But what I discovered actually does work is MEDERMA that it takes time put 5-8 times a day of applying it helps. Like at night you put it right on and don't rub it.=] Also I use this aveeno hypo allergenic non como genic oil free mositurizer that really helps with the redness. Oh and another thing which make up are ya using?? I use philosphy air brushed it works great, but really it doesn't cover up so much but its good! Although I heard it only works on some people. So don't kill me if ya try it and don't like it.

 

I heard of those facial things I was thinking of getting one I saw I think medcare spa or something in CA that they had an outline of things that sounded great, but pricey.

 

Anyways though what made you break out? I broke out on loestrin. Ugggh then yaz made it worse! Stupid pills.=/

[barbielovesmac]

What kind of makeup are you using???

[DakotaSkye]

I tried Mederma for a while, but it didn't seem to do anything. Of course, I could only apply it twice a day, at most, so I didn't see any improvement whatsoever. But I have almost a whole tube left, so maybe I'll try it again.

 

I bought that BareMinerals makeup that they advertise on the tube =\ It's good stuff, it's just that I'm having a hard time accepting it for what it is. I should know that it's not going to cover up everything. My main issue was that regular makeup was clogging my pores big time. This does too, but it's not nearly as bad. And it's definitely not an option to go without. I would die... I might try that other type though. I'm open to anything and everything at this point.

 

Yeah, I wish I had money to spend on these things, but I've already spent so much and I should be spending it on things like tuition and bills! It's just frustrating when I think that so many other people don't have to go through this...

 

I was on a generic bc pill called Lutera, but I think it was pretty much the same as loestrin. I immediately switched to Yaz (a year later) and while it hasn't prevented acne, like the commercial says, it's not nearly as bad. I only switched off it probably 6 mos. ago, so I'm hoping the longer I'm on it, the better it'll get. But I think I'm dreaming.

 

Thank you for the suggestions. I really appreciate it, and while it sucks you have the same issue, I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

[redhearts]

You do have to make sure facial products are the following:

 

noncomogenic (so it won't clog your pores too!)

hypo allergic (if you have sensititve skin because this won't turn your face red)

oil free

 

witch hazel I heard is good for your face.

[DakotaSkye]

You do have to make sure facial products are the following:

 

noncomogenic (so it won't clog your pores too!)

hypo allergic (if you have sensititve skin because this won't turn your face red)

oil free

 

witch hazel I heard is good for your face.

 

I think BareMinerals claims it is noncomogenic and oil free as well as hypoallergenic, but my face is so sensitive, I think just the fact that there is something on my skin clogs my pores. I know it would be worse if I used the makeup I used to use.

 

I know there's witch hazel in an astrigent I bought (or rather 5 different astringents I bought), and think that works pretty decently. But still, no miracle products. Or even products that work well. I still wake up every morning with 4 or 5 new zits and I want to scream. Because I do everything I'm supposed to do.

[redhearts]

Seee though you didn't use the whole tube of mederma. You basically have to and it takes 3-4 months for it to actually work, but it really does! I tried a lot of products!

 

Right now I'm on mirena, IUD, not a birth control pill I have too many issues on that. It has the lowest of symptoms so I'm happy.=] I'm using this face wash that I can't remember the name now, lol, but I'll find out later. It has witch hazel, it works good, then I use this neem mask I got from bath and body works twice a week, I put on that aveeno lotion every day! Its actually improving a lot! With mederma you have to use it every day basically I mean a good three times a day for three straight months you should have improvements. The make up is philosphy air brushed, I got it at sephora, the replacement pads are 3 bucks each and you should change it every week at least!

 

The way I do things is researching for reviews on products that way I know mostly the reactions of what people think.

 

Bare minerals oh I used that, ewww!!! That makes my face itchy, because I have sensitive skin, I heard on reviews it actually makes a lot of peoples face itch. Its more for people who have barbie skin haha.

 

BTW I know the bull oranges of food doesn't have an affect, I believe it does. Because too much sugar, rather any sugar or chocolate, chocolate is the worst! If I have one piece of chocolate or a little I'll get a zit. So watch your diet. Try to switch it up, is there something you eat a lot of?

 

I remember seeing a post of someone who wrote about a smoothie that clears skin haha now I want to find it!

[redhearts]

I think BareMinerals claims it is noncomogenic and oil free as well as hypoallergenic, but my face is so sensitive, I think just the fact that there is something on my skin clogs my pores. I know it would be worse if I used the makeup I used to use.

 

I know there's witch hazel in an astrigent I bought (or rather 5 different astringents I bought), and think that works pretty decently. But still, no miracle products. Or even products that work well. I still wake up every morning with 4 or 5 new zits and I want to scream. Because I do everything I'm supposed to do.

 

I'm so highly doubting that bare minerals is hypo allergenic because it makes my skin itch like nuts and I have really sensitive skin! I suggest you get that aveeno lotion, ultra calming daily mositurizer, it reduces redness which you may have a problem with as well. But it does cost about $20 bucks.

 

FYI: Its really true, the its all in your head line thing. Because if you honestly do just start not carrying and worrying too much, its not as noticeable to you. If you bring it up especially around other people then thats what they focus on. So just wake up and say oh my eyes are beautiful or my hair looks great!

[arnoldlayne]

well if you look even remotely like you do in your picture i'd say you are very pretty. and i actually don't even see what you're talking about...your skin looks fine to me.

 

 

is it possible your mind is making the situation way worse than it actually is?

[greensleeves]

I think you look beautiful in your photo.

 

My son was starting to get acne and he went on meds that cleared it right up. They're pills called Minocycline HCL (100mg), plus a gel called Differin. He uses SpectroGel to wash his face. Everyone's skin is different, so maybe a dermatologist could recommend a make up that would be right for you.

 

I don't think anyone would ever suggest that you're a whiner. This would be a difficult problem to deal with. Keep in mind they great advances are being made with laser surgery etc., so within a few years, maybe less, there might be a solution for you that will be guaranteed to work. I know money is an issue, but if will make you happy, then start saving a little bit every week.

 

Anyway, I think you're very, very pretty, and it sounds like your boyfriend does too. As for feeling that people are looking at you and judging you, remember that most people are so involved with themselves and what other people think of THEM, that it's a non issue. If anyone WERE to judge you because you have some scars or pimples on your face, they aren't worth worrying about and a waste of your energy.

[redhearts]

link removed

 

HMM im thinking of ordering zporex or what not =]

 

Theres also..

 

Accutane

 

Accutane is available with a doctor's prescription only. Accutane is a very powerful pill--it is intended for people with severe scarring, or acne that cannot be controlled by other medications.

 

Use

 

Blood testing is done frequently when taking Accutane, as it can affect blood cell count and levels.

 

For females - your physician may require you to prove you are on two forms of birth control prior to prescribing Accutane, as it can be extremely harmful to fetal development in pregnant women.

 

Some physicians will not prescribe Accutane.

 

I'm freakn out because I have a weird under my skin acne big bump its like what the eeeeff

[star2008]

Do you think if you didn't have acne you would think you were beautiful? Or would you find something else about yourself to hate? What if you went a week pretending that it didn't matter? After that week you could go back to applying the makeup and thinking about your skin but for one week don't use the makeup and the creams. Just pretend that you are beautiful and that you don't need that stuff. Can you do that?

[delphi88]

I hear you, I have a lot of redness left from acne, and the acne hasn't completley gone either. I don't feel that I can go out without make-up, even when I'm in the house alone I have to put a bit of make-up on because I hate to look at my face in the mirror. I use Clinique make-up - it's quite expensive but it's oil free and it's hypo-allergenic. So that's something.

 

Also, for the acne itself I put on benzoyl peroxide every night, which you can get over the counter. It doesn't have to be strong, I just use a 2.5% gel, but it's really good at preventing more spots coming if you spread it thinly over the affected area. You just have to use more moisturiser because it can dry your skin a bit.

 

Try not to let it upset you too much (easier said than done I know), you look lovely in your pic!

[DakotaSkye]

Yeah, you're probably right. I just don't have the patience to continue using Mederma for that long! To do something 3 or 4 times a day for months is a big commitment. Don't get me wrong, I'll do whatever it takes to get rid of this problem, it's just going to be hard with my crammed schedule. But if you say it works, that's all the motivation I need to try it again.

 

I'm thinking of switching to some other form of birth control because of this problem, but also because I miss pills at least twice a month. I'm too forgetful to take something every day at the same time...

 

I'll look into the makeup. It sounds like something I've never used before, and maybe that's just what I need. BareMinerals has worked pretty well as far as not irritating my skin, so I guess my skin isn't as sensitive as it could be.

 

I completely agree with you as far as the foods go. I KNOW that eating certain foods, like sugar and especially anything deep fried, causes me to break out massively. And nothing I do can counteract it. I know this because I spent two days (not consecutively) in the last week at the state fair and, of course, all I ate for those two days was sugar and fried foods. The very next day I broke out horribly. So yesterday (the day after that) I drastically changed my diet. I researched the best foods for acne prevention and decided I would cut out all oils and sugars. My meals for the past two days have consisted of whole grain cereals, fruits, vegetables, and eggs. And I've already noticed an improvement in those zits that had formed. I'm realizing more and more that my problem is almost completely internal and this makes me quite happy. I have control again. I hope I didn't speak too soon.

 

That smoothie sounds like an excellent idea. I'd be more than willing to give it a try. I'll have to google it.

[DakotaSkye]

well if you look even remotely like you do in your picture i'd say you are very pretty. and i actually don't even see what you're talking about...your skin looks fine to me.

 

 

is it possible your mind is making the situation way worse than it actually is?

 

I think you look beautiful in your photo.

 

My son was starting to get acne and he went on meds that cleared it right up. They're pills called Minocycline HCL (100mg), plus a gel called Differin. He uses SpectroGel to wash his face. Everyone's skin is different, so maybe a dermatologist could recommend a make up that would be right for you.

 

I don't think anyone would ever suggest that you're a whiner. This would be a difficult problem to deal with. Keep in mind they great advances are being made with laser surgery etc., so within a few years, maybe less, there might be a solution for you that will be guaranteed to work. I know money is an issue, but if will make you happy, then start saving a little bit every week.

 

Anyway, I think you're very, very pretty, and it sounds like your boyfriend does too. As for feeling that people are looking at you and judging you, remember that most people are so involved with themselves and what other people think of THEM, that it's a non issue. If anyone WERE to judge you because you have some scars or pimples on your face, they aren't worth worrying about and a waste of your energy.

 

Thank you guys, I really appreciate your kind words. That makes me feel better =)

 

I actually specifically picked that picture for my profile because you can't see the depressions in my skin made by my scars. When the light is directly above me, though, my face looks incredibly pock-marked. It all depends on how the light hits me. I'm glad you can't see that though. I probably am making it worse than it is, but that's because I've had to look at it day in and day out for a very long time. I'm hoping it's not as bad as it seems to me, though.

 

I used Differin when I went a dermatologist before the problem with my pills and it didn't seem strong enough for me. I wanted pills, too, but he didn't want to give them to me at that time.

 

Thank you for the suggestions, advice, and especially the encouragement =)

[DakotaSkye]

link removed

 

HMM im thinking of ordering zporex or what not =]

 

Theres also..

 

Accutane

 

Accutane is available with a doctor's prescription only. Accutane is a very powerful pill--it is intended for people with severe scarring, or acne that cannot be controlled by other medications.

 

Use

 

Blood testing is done frequently when taking Accutane, as it can affect blood cell count and levels.

 

For females - your physician may require you to prove you are on two forms of birth control prior to prescribing Accutane, as it can be extremely harmful to fetal development in pregnant women.

 

Some physicians will not prescribe Accutane.

 

I'm freakn out because I have a weird under my skin acne big bump its like what the eeeeff

 

Accutane freaks me out. It sounds like really wicked stuff. The whole birth defect thing is pretty bad, as well as the blood cell stuff. But if it ever gets really bad, that might be the only option =\ Yeah, I really hate how all of my acne starts deeeeeeep in my skin and there ain't a damn thing I can do about it. It's horrible.

[DakotaSkye]

Do you think if you didn't have acne you would think you were beautiful? Or would you find something else about yourself to hate? What if you went a week pretending that it didn't matter? After that week you could go back to applying the makeup and thinking about your skin but for one week don't use the makeup and the creams. Just pretend that you are beautiful and that you don't need that stuff. Can you do that?

 

It used to be that I would hate one thing about me and as soon as I got over that, I hated something else about me. I would just go back and forth and always find something new to despise. But since this problem, I know that if this ever cleared up, I would never take myself for granted again. In fact, I would probably love myself. After knowing it could be SOOO much worse, I would never complain about my physical features ever again. That's a promise.

 

I tried earlier this summer to go without makeup for a week or so, but now that I need to work and go to school, I think that would be way too much pressure for me to go without. It's one thing to let my parents or boyfriend or brother to see me without, but I don't think I could ever go to work or school without it. It also eases my mind when I wear it. It's a complicated relationship... =\

 

I hear you, I have a lot of redness left from acne, and the acne hasn't completley gone either. I don't feel that I can go out without make-up, even when I'm in the house alone I have to put a bit of make-up on because I hate to look at my face in the mirror. I use Clinique make-up - it's quite expensive but it's oil free and it's hypo-allergenic. So that's something.

 

Also, for the acne itself I put on benzoyl peroxide every night, which you can get over the counter. It doesn't have to be strong, I just use a 2.5% gel, but it's really good at preventing more spots coming if you spread it thinly over the affected area. You just have to use more moisturiser because it can dry your skin a bit.

 

Try not to let it upset you too much (easier said than done I know), you look lovely in your pic!

 

I know exactly what you mean. If I don't wear makeup, I can't stop obsessing about my face. I stand in front of the mirror, criticizing everything, until I start crying. If I wear makeup, it's easier to forget about it.

 

Yeah, I learned a long time ago that salicylic acid does absolutely nothing, so I've been looking for products with benzoyl peroxide, even though it increases the chance of scarring.

 

Thank you =) I'm trying not to let it bother me. It definitely takes an extreme toll on my emotions. I kinda laid it all out there on my boyfriend last night, and while he was somewhat understanding and more sympathetic than I expected, I know I can't do that to him often. It's not something I can change, at least not quickly, so I'm trying hard to just take everything in stride.

[Seraphim]

You are beautiful!!!

[DakotaSkye]

Thank you very much, Victoria =) I'm definitely beginning to feel better about myself. It's a great feeling =D

[InvisibleWound]

I am replying to this because I know how you feel.

 

I am 21 years old and have had acne since I was 11, well it started when I was 11. It was worse back then though. The worse thing about growing up with it was not just low self esteem but my dad would squeeze my zits for me because I wouldn’t sometimes if they hurt to much... He was emotionally abusive and would get after me for not trying to tan my face some. He had really bad acne at that age to, so he would be in the sun a lot then after lots of tans/burns it was gone... Even the few times I did attempt tanning it did nothing... On top of dealing with him I also had one of my aunts constantly saying “You don’t want to look like that forever do you?” Yeah... um I was not very happy growing up. Yeah I had a home and food, but a lot of BS went on... To this day I still have very low self esteem, and hate being in public, all I can think about is what they might be thinking.

 

I have been to a dermatologist for many months and even regular doctors this was so many years ago and it did hardly anything, I was on face wash, pills and a weird dobber thing. It faded the redness but I still got acne... Since then my dermatologist has died so now I do not have one. Reason is because they are just to far away, I don’t have the money to buy a bus ticket to see one on a probably monthly basis... On top of that close to around my eyes has no acne, just very light skin, so literally it looks like I have racoon eyes almost, even when wearing makeup to cover the acne some

 

I also have a lot of scars to that probably will not go away and aside from that I can grow facial hair. I don’t mean little bits of hair. I mean if I did not shave I probably could grow an almost full beard... I hate myself in so many ways. I have always had weight issues, acne and the facial thing started when I was 14 I probably made matters worse since I shave my face everyday. I have no choice, I am not letting my boyfriend look at that... And he knows but he said he still loves me. But still

 

All these issues is a lot to deal with especially over a 8 year span or so... Anyways wanted to share my feelings, I know it sucks.

 

You look beautiful by the way.

 

At this point I just try to learn and accept this is me this is all I can do. I have no money for any fancy hair removal treatment or further acne medications at this time... I’m pretty sure anyways that my face is unfixable with what I’ve done to it... Plus the fact that I have sensitive skin...

[delphi88]

At this point I just try to learn and accept this is me this is all I can do. I have no money for any fancy hair removal treatment or further acne medications at this time... I’m pretty sure anyways that my face is unfixable with what I’ve done to it... Plus the fact that I have sensitive skin...

 

Have you spoken to your doctor about that? Sometimes acne and too much hair can be symptoms of polycystic ovaries, I don't know too much about it but I think your doctor can prescribe something to reduce the symptoms. Might be why the dermatologist couldn't do much?

[jtracy]

I agree with what people have previously said. You look beautiful in your photos. I too think that you need to practice loving yourself, scars and all. I suspect that if people looked at you and saw a person with a personality they really admired, they wouldn't even see the scars. Perhaps it would be better to not focus on your outer appearance (which you probably can't change) but to concentrate on your personality and the way you think about things (which you can change). Learn to love yourself. Learn to appreciate what a special person you are. Be more aware of your strengths and successes. Develop more supportive and empowering ways of looking at yourself. Sometimes it helps to focus on what you can do for other people, because you are now paying attention to them instead of how bad you look, and also it will make you feel better about yourself if you can help someone else.

[DakotaSkye]

InvisibleWound, thank you very much for sharing your feelings. I know how difficult it is to express something that you've struggled with for so long, and it means a lot that you took the time to empathize with me. I wish I could have your strength in learning to overcome this issue, but I will definitely be more motivated to just accept myself.

 

I agree with Delphi; those issues could be related to, or a symptom of, a more serious medical issue ranging from polycystic ovaries to adrenal tumors. It might be a good idea to bring these things up with your doctor at your next visit. Even if it's just a hormonal imbalance, I believe there are treatments and/or prescriptions that are affordable that could improve both problems. I know you weren't necessarily looking for advice, I was just hoping that maybe I could help with your problem like you've helped with mine =)