Flirting. When is too much, too much?

[slc333]

Is flirting considered appropriate in a serious relationship? At what point is it considered inconsiderate and disrespectful to a partner? Is all flirting okay as long as it doesn't lead to anything?

 

I would like to hear some opinions on flirting in general and the flirting my girlfriend acts out in our relationship. Some of it I don't mind. Some of it bothers me very much.

 

Quick background. We've been dating almost a year and have begun talking about moving in together and getting married. We have a little age difference. I just turned 29. She's 23 and been out of college a good year or so. I got done with my schooling 2 years ago.

 

The other night, we were at a party. We were having a great time. Everything was great. Later on that night, a guy that my girlfriend used to work with showed up. Once he got there, she got visibly excited. She wouldn't stop looking at the guy. She got up to go to the restroom, and when she came back, she seemed to try and get me to move over so she could sit next to him. She sat down where she was before she got up. And the weird thing is they never said anything to each other but they just kept staring at each other. It made me really uncomfortable. At one point, she even said something like, don't you want anymore beer and held up and shook an empty glass? The keg was outside, so I took it like she was wanting me to get up and go get a beer so she could talk to this guy. I was done drinking so I just kind of looked at her funny - confused by her meaning. The guy got up and went outside eventually. Then of course she wanted to go outside with me. We got out there and everyone was standing around a bonfire. She kept looking at the guy and hanging out in his line of sight to see if he would look at her. She would look at him and then look away if he looked. At this point I had had it, so I just walked away from her. Then she acted all hurt and told me to come back.

 

I confronted her about this later asking her why she was staring at this guy and in essense flirting with him. She said that she wasn't staring at him and denied the whole thing. I asked her what the deal was with him and she said he had asked her out before I met her. She turned him down. She then told me about another guy we saw out one night that I remembered her flirting with. She said he had asked her out too and she turned him down. She then started talking about the guy from the party saying she didn't like him. She just likes talking to him. But then she started saying things like he grew his hair out and it looked cute, and he looks like Chris O'donnel. At this point, I'm just bewildered. Why is she acting like this? How should I handle this? Is she just being totally immature and insecure? Am I being totally insecure? I'm biased but that whole scene seemed really bizarre to me. She will periodically do things like this. She has way more guy friends than girl friends. And for the most part she flirts pretty heavily with all of the guy friends from time to time.

 

To me, it seems that she is very insecure and hangs around a lot of guys to build her confidence up. She usually flirts with them and seems to be trying to get them to like her.

 

I could tell more stories. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, sometimes it does. She says she's insecure. Obviously I know this. And I am a little insecure too when she starts being so blatant. But it doesn't change the fact that these type instances make me lose a little confidence in our relationship. I can't help but get mad and confused sometimes when she does these things.

 

How do I go about handling this? Please help.

If she continues this, I see myself breaking up with her. Should I tell her that?

I need some advice.

[brandos lovechild]

How can you trust someone like that ? She knows she's flirting and she knows that she is getting to you. You say she went really defensive and acted all hurt when you questioned her motives ? Classic response from someone who likes playing games. Bro, she thinks she has got you well under the thumb and is fully blown taking you for granted. She is TOO DAMN COMFORTABLE in your relationship,she needs to understand that you demand respect or else. I will tell you exactly what she was doing that night....

 

She is perhaps feeling a little bored. She sees this cute looking guy she knows and decides it is time to start stirring things up for excitement purposes...and no better way than to see her boyfriend's vulnerability rise to the surface...a lovely little ego boost for her ! So she makes it as clear to you as possible that she is interested in this guy..IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE FOR GOD'S SAKES !!

 

WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE : picked an occasion when your gf and this guy were in hearing distance. Walked straight up to him and said " I think you've got an admirer and she's sitting there (point to her)...you can look after her tonight because i've had enough ! "

.....AND walked out proudly.

 

She would have gone a beetroot colour..and come trotting after you acting all innocent. HERE'S A TIP FOR FUTURE...Don't get too aggressive because your gf can then act like the victim of the situation and turn things round on you. Just speak calmly and let her know that losing her would be a wait off of your shoulders.

 

IF IT WERE ME...i'd lose her bro,no matter how good the sex is. But i've come accross this type of woman MANY MANY times and i know how malignant they can be. Perhaps you are blinded by love for her and can't see it...but you will.

 

BE STRONG...DO NOT ACCEPT HER TEARS OR PROTESTS,THEY ARE NOT SINCERE,SHE JUST KNOWS THAT THEY WORK A TREAT ON YOU.

 

GOOD LUCK BRO 8)

[slc333]

brando

 

Yeah. I've been very close to ending it with her. I do love her though. And I do think she loves me. Because 90% of the time our relationship is great. But every once in awhile something like this happens and I don't know how to react other than angry. Soon after, she is always saying things like "Don't leave me". "Please say you'll never leave me". And she'll start crying. And I always melt.

 

I'm so good to her, it just makes me angry that she can't just drop the games. Maybe I should break up with her. I'm going to try and pretend the things she does don't bother me anymore and see if that ends the games. The problem is that I'm fairly new to this town and don't really know any other girls. I'd love to give her a big dose of her own medicine.

 

Thanks for your take though. Any more words would be appreciated.

 

Any more advice out there?

 

Thanks

[JSHRN]

Just how far flirting can go depends on the type of relationship. If you are in something casual, there is nothing wrong with checking out others and keeping your hand a little too long on the sexy waiter's hand when you order. But in exclusive relationships, where you have both made a commitment to love, trust and respect only each other, there is little room for excessive flirting.

 

But everything in moderation as they say, and when it comes to flirting it is possible to go too far at the risk of your commitment. Your girlfriend may think her behavior is harmless, but she may be laying the groundwork for some potentially bad situations.

 

In a committed relationship, soliciting others is not a good idea, even if you do not intend to act on it. If she is not interested in making a love connection, is it really fair for her to send out signals that she is available and looking?

 

Is flirting wrong when you're in a relationship? It can be answered 2 ways:

 

Yes, it's disrespectful to your partner.

No, it is healthy and natural.

 

The key word here is in moderation and without any disrespect towards your partner. Perhaps your girlfriend sees this as playful fun. Maybe she's doing it to grab your attention. In any case, she's not respecting the relationship. Maybe she sees nothing wrong with her actions, but if you've told her that it makes you feel uncomfortable then she needs to respect you (and the relationship) and not act this way.

 

A good rule is that if you can't do it in front of him or her, it must not be good for the relationship. If it doesn't feel right, you shouldn't be doing it.

 

Perhaps she is looking to fill a void. Do she feel fulfilled after her playful talks with other men? She may think she have it all -- a serious relationship and so-called harmless fun on the side. But really, she could get all of those feelings from a satisfying relationship with you. Part of me wonders why she is behaving this way, especially in front of you!Maybe she's bored. From the sound of it it appears that you give her a lot emotionally in the relationship.

 

But she chooses to flirt rather than enjoy the real deal.

 

While it is not necessary to live in a box -- keeping all flirtatious thoughts, glances and gestures to yourself -- it is essential to figure out why she has the need to flirt, especially if you are starting to get hurt.

 

It is one thing to be outgoing and fun, it's another to find that she is constantly attracting admirers. She can be fun without putting out signals that you wants someone other than you.

 

My best friend's mom always says, "Just because you've ordered doesn't mean you have to stop looking at the menu."

 

There may be no harm looking around, but sometimes it is best to enjoy the meal you have for a while. She may never know what desserts you'll miss if you keep looking at other options.

[slc333]

JSHRN

 

Thanks for the words.

Like I said before, I know she's insecure. And I think she gets a real ego boost from flirting with guys and getting positive responses back. This doesn't happen all the time, but often enough to make me feel a little less confident about us.

 

My big question is where do I go from here.

 

I don't know if I could really end it with her. Because I am in love with her, and I do need her.

 

Do I confront her and say we're through unless you start giving me the respect I deserve?

 

I think there's some truth to her feeling VERY comfortable in our relationship. Because to me, I thought you were supposed to make your girlfriend feel comfortable in a serious relationship. I have given her no reason to doubt my love for her. I treat her like a queen, and she treats me well for the most part. Except for the occasional bizarre flirting stuff.

 

How do I bring up these things? How do I say are you bored with this relationship? Should I just say I need some space for a week or so and see what happens?

 

I'm so bad at relationship stuff. I think I become too focused on pleasing the other person involved that I lose sight of myself. I'm afraid to break up though because I don't want to lose her. But maybe that would be the wake up call she needs. To see that I might go away.

 

any thoughts?

 

thanks for all the great input so far!

[JSHRN]

Hello again.

 

It is very well written and will show you some key points on how to approach your flirtatious girlfriend.

 

Your girlfriend is hurting you and you need to tell her this ASAP! If she truly loves you and cares for you but is hurting you by her flirting, then she should not be doing it. Period. Your girlfriend has to follow this rule and stop her flirting immediately.

 

Tell her how you feel ASAP. Don't be angry or tearful, but do be direct: "Honey, I don't like to watch you flirt with other men. It hurts my feelings, and it's really disrespectful to me. I'm very upset about it, and I need you to stop right away."

 

More than likely she will back off once she sees she's hurting you. If she doesn't, you have a bigger problem on your hands. See a couples counselor and deal with her passive-aggressive behavior right away, before the damage to your relationship is beyond repair.

 

Good Luck.

[Beec]

First, there is nothing, nothing wrong with flirting at any stage fo a relationship. Second, there is something very, very wrong when flirting in front of your partner.

 

First, she denies doing it in the instance you describe. Why? She did not even talk to the guy. However, they did exchange body language of interest with each other. You need to describe what she did and do it calmly without anger.

 

Second, you need to make some type of a demand on her and make her feel secure in the relationship. Tell her that if she is not up to making you feel secure in the relationship, you cannot make her feel that way. But follow with, you are my woman and I want you, but you need to make sure I know you want me.

 

Third, you need her to understand that when she is in that postion of wanting to play googlely-eyes, she either better do something to stop it such as just get away from the guy or flirt with you instead.

[ilinara]

Not a good sign, maybe she is not ready to marry.

[brandos lovechild]

I don't think he wants marriage...i just think he wants to be sure he isn't wasting his time with a girl who would go a bit further if she was drunk.

 

Bro,listen to me,my first ever girlfriend sounds SOOO similar to Your curent girlfriend. She will feed off of your hurt for 2 reasons :

 

1. Ego boost..seeing you upset means that she is very special to someone (you).

 

2. Takes both of you out of the comfort zone..a relationship isn't stale if it is frought with emotional distress.

 

Both of these add up to one thing. She is a drama queen,and you have alot of tears in front of you. I bet she started doing this as soon as you told her you "loved her"..am i right ?

 

You aren't a challenge to her anymore,so she can push the boundaries of what is acceptable because she thinks you will never leave her.

 

WHAT TO DO : I think it's too late to start flirting with girls and giving her a taste. That just turns a drama queen into a psycho. I AM NOT BEING FUNNY,I'M SERIOUS. If you start playing games on an insecure female,they will make your life a hell.

 

I did this with my drama queen girlfriend and when she couldn't take what she had given to me for so long....she went around telling everyone i used to beat her up,whilst crying down the phone to reconcile with me in her spare time. DRAAAMMAAA QUEEENNNN !

 

IF SHE DOES IT AGAIN (flirting) : say to her " when you flirt like this,i find it a real turn-off. The more you do it,the more unattractive you are to me." Then walk away from her.

 

She, in her confused mind, thinks her flirting is ACTUALLY ADDING SPICE TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP. I kid you not. Letting her know you find her less attractive because of it should make a big change..hopefully.

 

REMEMBER : Do not get aggressive,stay calm so that she can't act the victim of an irrational boyfriend. ( The drama queen's main defence).

 

Hope i helped,i've been there before trust me. Good luck

8)

[slc333]

Brando

 

Yeah. You've hit some of this right on the head. She doesn't sound like she's as much of a drama queen as your girlfriend was though. She definitely does some drama queen things. And the statements about her thinking that this adds spice, and that she is confident I won't leave are probably true. It seems like most normal girls would love to know that their boyfriend loves them and doesn't want to leave them. I didn't think she would turn it around on me.

 

Anyway, I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to wait for her to do one of her big flirty scenes or not before I tell her how it makes me feel. The one from this past weekend is still fresh in my mind. And I have been pretty distant from her this week. Not being the typically super nice boyfriend that I have been. Because that is truly what I'm feeling - distant from her. And she knows it too. I can see her getting a little worried. I don't know if I should be fighting the feeling of trying to talk with her about how her sporadic over-flirtatious behavior makes me feel or if I should just tell her what I'm thinking.

 

I do know that I am pretty tired of all this. And have a real sense of apathy creeping in. And I had in my mind for awhile that I would like to marry this girl. But I'm seeing a bit more clearly the things that people have pointed out to me on this post. She is clearly not ready for any sort of commitment I think. It's tough though because she is so great 85-90% of the time. It's just that extra 10% that really drives me crazy and keeps our relationship from growing.

 

So my question to anyone reading is - Should I talk to her now or wait for this to happen again?