ignoring his calls...men who don't get a clue

[Caterina]

I went on four dates with a guy for two weeks. During that time, I kept telling him I wanted to take things slow and he didn't. So I ended it- I told him I just wanted to be friends. So we didn't talk for three weeks and he called me and I said he could tag along on something I was going to the next day. Well that day it was obvious that he didn't get a clue because he kept trying to touch me/hold me. And he invited himself to something I was going to, I didn't invite him. I think he's being very pushy.

 

I don't get how he can't get a clue. I ignored his last phone call and a week later he has called again leaving a voice mail asking "whats going on?"

 

I feel like I have to break up with this person I never even made my boyfriend. I have lost all attraction for him b/c of the fact that he doesn't get it despite things being obviously spelled out to him...

 

AM I BEING WRONG? Or am I doing the right thing by simply ignoring his phone calls?

 

At some point I respected him and wanted to be his friend, but now I don't even want that b/c of the fact that he's being so ridiculously clingy and I haven't committed to him in any ways...its not my fault he assumes commitment when NONE was spoken about.

[bertdru]

Ouch. He tried to touch you? Sounds like sexual harassment to me. If it was me, I would have called the police already!

[bijoux27]

He doesn't get it because:

 

- you let him hang out with you:

he called me and I said he could tag along on something I was going to the next day.

- you ignored his one phone call, he could have thought that you simply forgot or didn't get the call, it happens.

 

Don't hang out with him, you're giving him false hope. He might not get the hint, so don't give him any more hints, tell him straight.

[Catdancer]

I think we all have had someone a little too clingy. Ignoring will probably be the only way you can get your point accross. He has not gotten it by now and still wont no matter who much you tell him.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, I think he feels as if he is getting mixed signals because you tagged along that one time. Your fault? Not really.

 

I'd just break it nice in clean in person.

[ImThatGirl]

You went on 4 dates in 2 weeks. He probably felt that things were going well.

 

Then, you didn't talk to him for 3 weeks but when you did, again, you said he could come along.

 

He called you last week. He called you this week. What's any different than the time he didn't hear from you for 3 weeks?

 

Yes you are giving him the cold shoulder now.

 

But you have given him mixed signals. I suspect he doesn't know what to think.

 

You need to firmly state that you are not interested in dating him, a relationship with him, nor will you ever be.

[Samedy]

So far everyone seems to be dead on, except for the comment about calling the police... I think police are here for things a little more serious than someone trying to hold someone else's hand...

 

You need to be honest with him. Avoiding him is, well, just avoiding the problems. They won't go away, it's just delaying it. Also, if your not telling him what's going on, then you can't really fault him for any assumptions he has madel; because that's all he has.

 

Be straight with him. You don't want a relationship. If you want to be friends make that very clear, that that is all there ever will be. You don't need to tell him why, just that is the way you feel and what you want. Don't assume that by doing one thing he will get the "message". If you want to give him a message, tell him one way or another, be it in person, on the phone, or through e-mail.

[bertdru]

So far everyone seems to be dead on, except for the comment about calling the police... I think police are here for things a little more serious than someone trying to hold someone else's hand...

 

Haha I was serious, women here do that. I guess they are a bit too touchy(no pun intended ). Here women whine about every little thing to the police.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Haha I was serious, women here do that. I guess they are a bit too touchy(no pun intended ). Here women whine about every little thing to the police.

 

uh.......what?

 

I have never heard of anyone giving that advice to call the police for hand holding here before.....

[bertdru]

Haha I mean women in my city. They are very touchy about everything.

[Caterina]

Ouch. He tried to touch you? Sounds like sexual harassment to me. If it was me, I would have called the police already!

 

I don't think it entails that...but it did bug me, because he obviously was ignoring what I previously told him.

 

Well, I think he feels as if he is getting mixed signals because you tagged along that one time. Your fault? Not really.

 

I'd just break it nice in clean in person.

 

But why should I ? Four dates. I only went on four dates with him...and the whole time I was VERY honest, I said I wanted to go slow. When I broke up with him, I said, "Its going to fast for me, I just want to be friends". I never even agreed to be anything close to a girlfriend so I don't know why I owe him anything.

 

You went on 4 dates in 2 weeks. He probably felt that things were going well.

 

Then, you didn't talk to him for 3 weeks but when you did, again, you said he could come along.

 

He called you last week. He called you this week. What's any different than the time he didn't hear from you for 3 weeks?

 

Yes you are giving him the cold shoulder now.

 

But you have given him mixed signals. I suspect he doesn't know what to think.

 

You need to firmly state that you are not interested in dating him, a relationship with him, nor will you ever be.

 

How have I given him mixed signals in any way? I told him flat out I just wanted to be friends. Its not my fault he's ignoring me and trying to plough through by eroding away what I have already stated. After stating I wanted only a friendship, he called me and I said he could tag along. I dont see how that is in any way a mixed message. Then, he calls three times and I don't pick up the phone. To me, he's either a dunce who doesn't get it or very pushy.

[Samedy]

Haha I mean women in my city. They are very touchy about everything.

 

What city are you in?

 

A lot of it is about presentation and context. A kid on a date that trys to hold a girls hand or put his arm around her shoulder is not going to cause a fuss.

 

A grubby old-man lurching at females, trying to hold their hand or put their arm around her shoulder, will probably get a call for the police.. or maced.

[Cognitive_Canine]

what exactly did you say to him?

 

Did you say "I just want to be friends" or is that paraphrasing it?

 

He has high hopes of a relationship.

 

Just reassure him that you meant what you said and leave him no room for false hope.

[Cognitive_Canine]

and also, friends talk on the phone and do stuff. Maybe he just wanted to go get lunch or something without any relationship.

 

Don't say "i just want to stay friends" unless you actually want to be friends.

[Caterina]

and also, friends talk on the phone and do stuff. Maybe he just wanted to go get lunch or something without any relationship.

 

Don't say "i just want to stay friends" unless you actually want to be friends.

 

Friends aren't this clingy...and friends don't try to constantly touch you. I didn't mind being a friend until he kept trying to make it more. Maybe I'll e mail him.

[Samedy]

How have I given him mixed signals in any way? I told him flat out I just wanted to be friends. Its not my fault he's ignoring me and trying to plough through by eroding away what I have already stated. After stating I wanted only a friendship, he called me and I said he could tag along. I dont see how that is in any way a mixed message. Then, he calls three times and I don't pick up the phone. To me, he's either a dunce who doesn't get it or very pushy.

 

 

It might not be mixed signals as much as it is false hope.

 

If you still want to be friends with him, then you have to tell him that it is just friends (as you've already done), and that if he still pursues you in the way that he is, that you won't be able to even be his friend. Explain to him that it's about respect and by not listening to you, he is not respecting you.

[ImThatGirl]

You told him it was going too fast for you and you just wanted to be friends.

 

And then continued to invite him to outtings.

 

He probably assumed that if he slowed down, that you might like him. You didn't make it clear that you are not interested in him personally.

 

Look... I don't mean to offend you. I just think that you have been somewhat misleading to him and I find it sad that since you weren't 100% clear he doesn't get it and you state "men who don't get a clue."

 

I'm pretty sure that a respectable rule would be that if you go out on dates with someone and you decide you don't want to "ever" talk to them, you should tell them instead of expecting them to get the clue.

[Daegas]

You need to firmly state that you are not interested in dating him' date=' a relationship with him, nor will you ever be.[/quote']Don't say "nor will I ever be". It's going to hurt his ego and gives him strange ideas. Moreover, it may not work out that way.

 

Well that day it was obvious that he didn't get a clue because he kept trying to touch me/hold me.

It depends a bit on how he tried to touch you. A quick friendly touch on the shoulder is very different from trying to walk hand in hand with you. I had hetero-guys (they have girlfriends) I knew somewhat touch me on the shoulder briefly (I am a guy btw), as a sign of friendship. Girls on the other hand kiss me on the cheek & hug me, and we are friends.

 

But why should I ? Four dates. I only went on four dates with him...and the whole time I was VERY honest, I said I wanted to go slow. When I broke up with him, I said, "Its going to fast for me, I just want to be friends". I never even agreed to be anything close to a girlfriend so I don't know why I owe him anything.

You don't owe anyone anything in this life, just keep ignoring him if you feel that is the way to go.

 

How have I given him mixed signals in any way? I told him flat out I just wanted to be friends. Its not my fault he's ignoring me and trying to plough through by eroding away what I have already stated. After stating I wanted only a friendship, he called me and I said he could tag along. I dont see how that is in any way a mixed message. Then, he calls three times and I don't pick up the phone. To me, he's either a dunce who doesn't get it or very pushy.

He's pushy for friendship? Wants to hangout a lot with you? I know girls that drag me along all over the place for hours, even in the middle of the night, all in the name of friendship (and it is they who state they want friendship).

 

Personally I think he doesn't get it tough....personally I don't even understand why he is bothering with you at all! The dating is clearly over, he needs to shove off and find someone else to date.

[thejigsup]

Guys can be so dense about women! My bf says that we have you figured out much better than you have us figured out. We really are easy to understand, but you have to pay close attention to us and some guys find that very hard to do. We watch every single thing you do our entire lives, so we can generally know how to work a relationship to our advantage. Watch us and learn.

[Catdancer]

Girl...if he's that pushy, and you have already told him to back off...IGNORE HIM. He will eventually go away. I had to do this with someone. They would not get the hint. He just kept calling and sending emails. So, I just flat out ignored him. It took a week or two (he was persistent) but he went away.

[Caterina]

You told him it was going too fast for you and you just wanted to be friends.

 

And then continued to invite him to outtings.

 

He probably assumed that if he slowed down, that you might like him. You didn't make it clear that you are not interested in him personally.

 

Look... I don't mean to offend you. I just think that you have been somewhat misleading to him and I find it sad that since you weren't 100% clear he doesn't get it and you state "men who don't get a clue."

 

I'm pretty sure that a respectable rule would be that if you go out on dates with someone and you decide you don't want to "ever" talk to them, you should tell them instead of expecting them to get the clue.

 

 

Look at what your saying. He Assumed! Exactly! Everything was clear. Okay, I'll be friends. Yes, you can tag along buddy ole pal, friend. Its not my fault he assumed otherwise when I was perfectly clear.

 

Not only that but I only decided to not talk to him again when he did not listen to what I was saying about ONLY being friends.

[Caterina]

Girl...if he's that pushy, and you have already told him to back off...IGNORE HIM. He will eventually go away. I had to do this with someone. They would not get the hint. He just kept calling and sending emails. So, I just flat out ignored him. It took a week or two (he was persistent) but he went away.

 

Exactly...and its been MORE Than a week or two...its been several!

[D_Lish]

I think it's a great pity that you can't be a mans 'friend', without them getting the wrong idea.....some men are really dense and think you are interested just because you look at them...

 

Caterina, just ignore him because he will go away. His interest will wane, as quickly as it was kindled....you normally find that with this type.

 

He will soon find another interest to obsess over...