When Did You Know?

[John Bendix]

When did you know that your marriage was on its way to the dumpster?

 

Not the time when they told you that they want to sought out their feelings, or they needed to have some time by themselves, and so on. What incident or event told you the marriage was doomed?

 

The easy answer for me was when the man with a badge showed up at my door, (the day after X-mas) asked my name and said, "You have been served". And i did not know she even had an attorney.

 

But the one that hit me the most was when one morning I woke up next to her and her wedding was not on her finger. Something that she had never taken off.

[Angel_baby]

When he threw me on the floor and kept pounding me against the floor. I knew then that it was gone.

 

Even though you know it's over, it is still hard to accept.

[meinreallife]

I don't know yet...

 

I have a feeling it could be, but there is nothing definitive. I guess I know I don't love her, maybe never did. I want something in my life worth waking up for. She deserves that too. Why do we live within these walls where if you are not 100% happy your life is a waste?

 

I freely admit I love someone else. Do I step away from my kids? No way. I am just lost, hurt and alone.

 

Do I know its over? I don't even know that I should just go to bed. I know absolutely NOTHING about a healthy happy relationship.

 

Unconditional love is for the poets. It does not exist.

 

GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

[whodathunk]

Yep John , really two questions isn't it....

 

When did it first hit that the marriage was over and there was no way to save it?

 

And then after some time went by, and you had a chance to digest that and really look at it....

 

When did it first leave the road and start down that path?

 

I gotta think about that one a bit before I answer....

[John Bendix]

Whodathunk,

 

Good to hear from you.

 

Maybe you are right. Even as I was replying to my own thread, I saw a two-for in there.

[Karmageddon]

I knew when i finally started recognizing a pattern of behavior. Whenever he would get a new hottie to screw, I became the ugliest, most unattractive, irritating, stupid person that ever lived. There were so many women, that I just assumed it was his personality when in reality it was his defense mechanism. But, I am so stupid that I gave him the benefit of the doubt & started working on me when everyone else in my life was telling me otherwise. I just thought they were being kind to me b/c they were my friends.

 

Finally when I couldn't take it anymore, I started checking & thats when I knew it was over. He was a liar from the beginning & I fell for it. He had such an ego that he even told some of my friends the stories of his little conquests & you know what? No one told me a thing, not even an anonymous letter. I am still coming to grips with the "boys club". I understand not wanting to get involved, I really do. But damnit they could have saved me so many years.

[cuteguyinftl]

well you opened pandora's box. so atleast you know what your gut was telling you. But here is the great part. You are probably a great human being so say to yourself ...leave yourself notes and say I amazing...I know it sounds superfacial bu t it works.

 

Hell I danced none stop for a year at my house. Listening to music with my dogs etc... Just always remember that you can control what you can control and anything else is something that you can not change so there for don't stress about it.

 

He wants to * * * * * around thats fine. KARMA is a * * * * * and it might not happen tomorrow or the next day but it will come back to him. thereforee you need to say what can i do to make sure that karma is always smiling at me!?!

[surfjon]

John,

The wedding ring line was sad, I can imagine how that hits home, sorry man...

 

She physically left July 22, 2007 after 20 years being married, the chill of December 2007 brought the realization that things were dead, no chance of saving it....found a little peace in my stocking for Christmas but no hope.

 

I knew things were headed south around May of 2006, things just didn't feel the same... she had started a business with her mom and sister and started seeming "distant", I started to withdraw and go out more with friends listening to music and killing pain. We had a few patches where for months things would be great, then go bad again.

 

Around February of 2007, I started being suspicious there was either someone else, or at minimum someone "waiting in the wings". Her sister had recently divorced and I could feel her being pulled by her sisters opinions and situation. I had never suspected my wife of this and just tried to not think that way, I thought I was just being over-suspicious.

 

Well, I never really found out for sure, don't really want to, but funny how her B/F is a guy that was her sisters neighbor for 3 years......hhhmmmmmm.....

 

I feel they met a couple years ago.

 

Well, that's my answer to your 2 part question John.

Sorta backs the WAS theory that they leave emotionally before they walk out physically.

 

...surf

[John Bendix]

Did anyone else notice a "glassy" look in your spouse's eyes when they were going through the "I just do not want to be with you" stage?

 

My aunt, who knew my X very well, brought this up to me about a month before my X started to go through her gyrations with me. I just felt she was tired and stressed out. That look last for months until the day she left.

 

I see it now as being in a state of emotional turmoil. On the edge, so to speak. In psychological tems, she had snapped.

[just M.E.]

Geee, there are so many (that in itself really is telling, isn't it? And sad ...) The emotional abuse has escalated to a daily event so it is difficult to pick out one event.

 

One that sticks in my mind is a time he stomped out mad and went bird hunting with the dogs. Took my truck and "supposedly" slept in the truck. But ......

 

He took his razor. This is a man who shaved Monday morning and that was pretty much it for the week, never shaved when he and I went out hunting together, or camping. So he brings his razor on an overnight bird hunt with the dogs where he slept in the truck? Then a few months later I opened his credit card statement by mistake and he had gotten a hotel room. I wondered, he never got any birds either ..... should have, he and I would have hunting the same area, hmmmmmm.

 

I knew it was over because he started altering reality and fabricating a version of what he was doing just for my consumption. He also started telling stories to others of events that happened with both him and I, as if he was there alone, in front of me and when I would correct him and remind him I was there also, he would flash dagger glances at me, what I called "stink eye". Did that stop me from trying to save the marriage? No.

 

When I knew the final moment had come was when I confronted him after work and said I wanted to stop spending time on projects and busy work and talk about him and I. He wouldn't allow me within 4 ft of him. Smell of booze? or more? He took my truck and the dogs (why did he always have to take my truck?) and left and never came back. I worked with him for exactly one more month before he literally kicked me out of the business.

 

I knew it was over that night he left, because I knew then I wouldn't do anything to try "fix" it. If I didn't initiate the forgiveness, the mend, the reconciliation, it didn't happen. I had run out of "fix", my bag was empty.

 

He had left technically for another woman, but the other woman was simply what he found to run to. He knew he would leave long before he met her, he just had to find his landing point.

 

The fact that I did not see who this person was hurt worse than the cumulative actions.

[Karmageddon]

Did anyone else notice a "glassy" look in your spouse's eyes when they were going through the "I just do not want to be with you" stage?

 

My aunt, who knew my X very well, brought this up to me about a month before my X started to go through her gyrations with me. I just felt she was tired and stressed out. That look last for months until the day she left.

 

I see it now as being in a state of emotional turmoil. On the edge, so to speak. In psychological tems, she had snapped.

 

No, I never got that, b/c he never wanted to leave. He was pretty happy with the lifestyle I was affording him. I paid half the bills, cooked, cleaned, took care of him, didn't nag, supported him in all his business & investments, and in addition I trusted him and thought he was my friend even through all his "faults". (Of which he thought he had none! LOL!)

 

I had always told him that I had nothing in me for a cheater. And that if he were ever to cheat on me, just come empty your closet and go, because no matter how smart someone thinks they are they will get caught. And for me It wouldn't matter if you cheated on me 15 years ago or yesterday, the outcome will be the same, I will leave you. Guess he didn't believe me. Don't know why, I'm not the type to say something then not follow through!

[benga]

Good thread John... That wedding ring thing is really sad. I can only imagine how you felt...

 

2004 was the turning point... Daughter born -> post partum depression -> her father dies -> i loose my role in the organization due to restructure -> move cities & home -> she looses her grandmother -> she reconnects with really shallow high school friends -> things change forever.... All in 1 year..

[morgane]

When he threw me on the floor and kept pounding me against the floor. I knew then that it was gone.

 

Even though you know it's over, it is still hard to accept.

 

hey so can he go to jail for this? i'm sorry but i want to put this ignorant inhumane in jail, this is why i wish i was a lesbian.

[confusedmama]

Guess I should have known it was over BEFore we got married when he walked out of a job he had for less than 1 day. But I didn't. After 15 years, 13 job changes for him as well as 12 months in grad school, of me supporting him I discovered what I had known all along there were other women thrown in the mix also.

 

When did I KNOW it was over-when he disappeared for 3 days after Christmas while supposed to be at his Mom's b-day (something he didn't want the kids & I there for) and then his brother calls to find out "where in the h*ll is my brother" becasue he had lied to them about where he was staying (someplace other than where he had told me)

When did I finally get up the backbone to get him out? When I was asked by a perfect stranger (another parent on a kids soccer team) why he had stopped working at the city. I had NO idea he had lost his job AGAIN. This was about 6 months after his disappearing act that cost my family over $500. That was it, I was DONE.

 

I guess I looked at it finally that I needed one or the other from him support or financial support he gave me neither, now I won't settle for anyone who doesn't give me BOTH.

[scornandtorn]

Did anyone else notice a "glassy" look in your spouse's eyes when they were going through the "I just do not want to be with you" stage?

 

 

No, I didn't notice the glassy look because she could not look me in the eyes.

 

I THINK I first noticed when she would give me a kiss before I went on a business trip. It was like I was being kissed by my mother. I KNOW "the end" was when I drove by my friends house and my car was in his driveway at 4AM. Even he was lying to me and putting on a front, that he and his wife were still doing fine. Except as the facts began to surface, his wife had actually been gone for 3 weeks. My ex's version of the story is that she was staying with "them" so she could think by herself. They were our best friends and everyone knew the truth except me.

 

The sad part is I wanted, desperately, to believe her because I thought it was the right thing to do as her husband and best friend. I have never been so wrong about a person as I was with my own wife.

 

The pain still lingers although it is not as severe.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Everytime I hear you tell that, I am dumbfounded at what I would have done. Your ex-friend would be on permanent probation from me.

 

Did his wife know whatwas going on or is that why she left?

 

I had a friend who got married young to a woman with a kid. He thought she was cheating him and followed her to a motel and saw the guy in there with her. He called the other person's wife and she came running over and saw them together. He proceded to have an affair with that other man's wife. I guess they both were just getting even with their spouses. I do not condone but it happened.

[just M.E.]

Two wrongs don't make a right ..... but three lefts do

 

(I apologize for the levity, but life ends up being so bizarre we have to laugh or go insane)

[AutumnBorn]

When he went to London for ten days on business, came home and told me that he'd spent the 10 days sharing a one bedroom condo with a female co-worker. He said it was a screw up and that the sofa was too short to sleep on. Later, he admitted it was a lie. They'd planned it the entire time. But it wasn't anything sexual and how dare I suggest that anything inappropriate might have gone on between them or that it was unwise for them to share a condo on a business trip!!!! I was too much of a prude to understand and my mind was in the gutter!

 

When he asked me to give his friend a blow job.

 

When he said he'd never felt passion for me or anyone.

 

When he admitted that he wasn't trying during two years of counseling.

 

When he moved out.

 

When he agreed to give me 70% of everything.

 

When I filed the papers.

[John Bendix]

Autumnborn,

 

Those seems to be pretty good indications that things were not going well in your relationship.

 

Taking in what you have written, it seems that he has some issues. I sorry but I do feel sorry for him as someone with some big emotional problems.

Fortunately, they are not for you to deal with.

[AutumnBorn]

I feel sorry for him, too, John. When he told me he never felt passion for anyone, my heart just broke for him. At least I felt that kind of joy in love.

[now what71]

Stopped wearing her wedding ring. Stormed away and accused me of "yelling" at her when I would attempt to civily discuss our issues with her. All this time I attempted to make changes that she would appreciate, and she ignored them and shut me down completely. When i definitively realized it was over was when she stayed out until 7 AM the next morning , and returned to tell me she had "crashed out" at her female co-worker's place. When I asked her about it again the next day, she gave me ANOTHER female co-workers name, and told me that is where she stayed.

 

Couldn't even keep her lies straight , and she didn't even care. I knew it was over as I would have been a total fool to try and hang on anymore in this situation.

[John Bendix]

Stopped wearing her wedding ring. Stormed away and accused me of "yelling" at her when I would attempt to civily discuss our issues with her. All this time I attempted to make changes that she would appreciate, and she ignored them and shut me down completely. When i definitively realized it was over was when she stayed out until 7 AM the next morning , and returned to tell me she had "crashed out" at her female co-worker's place. When I asked her about it again the next day, she gave me ANOTHER female co-workers name, and told me that is where she stayed.

 

Couldn't even keep her lies straight , and she didn't even care. I knew it was over as I would have been a total fool to try and hang on anymore in this situation.

 

The wall was up and there was no getting through. It seems to me that they had to avoid the issues for their own self protection. So distraught, emotionally (for whatever reasons), that dealing the problems would have been too overwhelming.

[Jeen]

The day I asked my ex if he is "ok" with us not having kids, he avoiding to answer the question. A week later looking at him, interacting with kids at a charity function we attended. "I had my answer" Knowing he has offered up sow much already in life "I am bipolar" to accommodate me in his life with all my faults, me a vampire draining the life out of him, never giving him what he deserved in life. "Always me me me, never the wife he deserved"

 

I knew I had to give him his freedom back in life, what I was doing to him was not love, I was killing a wonderful person little by little everyday, he deserved better in life."He deserved a loving wife and kids, someone better than me."

 

I can have children, but the risks with my meds and genetics, do not make it an easy choice.](*,)

[sweetheart11]

I knew it was over when I found out he's been sending links to porn websites to his secret email account during the time he was 'busy doing school work' on his computer and rejecting me when I was practically begging him for sex. The discovery was something I never expected from him and something he lied to me about the entire time we were together. I don't know why, but when I saw those links I just knew it was over. What a painful memory...

[High5girl]

I knew it was over about 5 mins after I married him. I felt that I made a huge mistake. 12 yrs later....yeah. It was a big mistake. Been divorced for about 3 yrs now and I'm loving it.