Really need some friends.

[mattias8701]

I am feeling so unbelievably hurt and empty right now. My birthday is in two days (the big 3-0)and I am still clinging to the hope that someday, Leigh will return to me. I pray that she will call me or send me a card for my birthday.

 

It has been 5 days since I saw her and hugged her. I think I might have blown it talking to her for 2 hours on New Year's Eve. I did not get mad or jealous when she said that she was seeing her ex boyfriend, rather, I didn't let her see it.

 

She told me that "it felt as if she and her ex picked up where they left off" and that "if you and I were ever to get back together, it would be the same because you really already know the person." I told her that I was pleased that she has found such solid support and said that they sounded like a great match. For some reason she seemed upset by that statement.

 

When I suggested getting together to grab some food she started to cry and said that she would not want to fall apart at a restaurant because all she would do is sit and cry.

 

I am starting with a new therapist because I feel like I am not progressing very well in the fact that I vacillate between telling myself to keep hope and faith alive and she will come back and trying to convince myself that I am happy that she has found comfort in her ex boyfriend.

 

I am trying to be so angry with her to protect myself, but in the end, the only thing I will accomplish is to burn myself out. I am a ridiculously loyal person and it is very hard for me to give up even though I have strong indications that she may never return or contact me again.

 

The whole saga can be seen in my previous posts. Did I blow it by letting her know that I cared and missed her? I am hoping and praying that this thing with her ex plays itself out and I will have my stuff together and we can have a real chance with her 100% in it and me 100% together.

 

I know some of you hard asses out there might make fun of me for this but I wrote a poem to try and make some sense of this. It is amazing how a 6-4 220 pound former college hockey player got his emotional ass kicked by a 5-5 110 pound woman! Seriously, any further advice at this point is always needed and very much appreciated. Just because, I am going to post what I wrote. Can any one relate?

 

One Wish

 

I'd gladly give my everything, to simply hear you say something.

 

Afraid to walk alone into places we once shared in fear that every corner of the room now acknowledges my loss.

 

My heart clinging stubbornly and unwavering to a road that is familiar and expected.

 

Thoughts desperately trying to free themselves towards uncertainty, from intrusion of our memories, from the burdens of sorrow and loss.

 

Wishful that the hope, love, and faith sharing space with the pain and bitterness will one day finally overcome.

 

Tears shed in isolation can never truly convey to you disillusionment dancing with betrayal. Letters you wrote promising me "forever" and "always" now litter my table and my dreams.

 

They are seldom read, there is no need or purpose, the words repeat in a steady cadence during my waking hours and drive me from the temporary protection of sleep.

 

Will you ever know the purity of my intentions and sincerity of my effort in true changes? In my heart of hearts, I live to hear that in your thoughts we are meant to be and some secret part deep within you always knew it.

 

The struggle would end by the clarity that comes with meeting our heart's longing. A love lost, the fight of my life. Waking once again next to you. Our love regained, defended, and recognized for a lifetime.

[Beec]

Don't know your story, but I think she hinted to you the door is open for thw two of you being together again, someday, when she said:

 

"She told me that 'it felt as if she and her ex picked up where they left off' and that 'if you and I were ever to get back together, it would be the same because you really already know the person'. I told her that I was pleased that she has found such solid support and said that they sounded like a great match. For some reason she seemed upset by that statement."

 

"When I suggested getting together to grab some food she started to cry and said that she would not want to fall apart at a restaurant because all she would do is sit and cry."

 

I would say from this that it is pretty clear she does care about you and probably loves you, although maybe she feels she was not in love or did not have a good relationship with you. So, you may have some hope, but you still need to move on. The idea is to hope but try to do what you would do if there was no hope. I don't think you haev made any mistakes in telling her you care for her. But you should try and change you attitude towards her. You should try to be confident in that she has made a mistake by not dating you and that someday she may realize that mistake and shoudl hope she can stop making it at that time.

[bdub]

Shes in for trouble. I was immediately hit when I read "She told me that if felt as if she and her ex picked up where they left off." Problem is, they did leave off, and for a reason. When we break up, there is always a reason, and if that reason is not dealt with, a new relationship will likely fall to the same fate; as in the quote "Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it."

 

But the end of that statement also hit me. She said "if you and I were ever to get back together, it would be the same because you really already know the person." Yes, you do know the person, but the problem is still lingering, so if that day comes, don't just jump headlong back into the old relationship that didn't work. You will be ahead of the game, for sure, but don't play the same game with the same outcome. Catch my drift? Make sure that if you get the chance to try again that you are working on the problems from both sides, both you and her.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub