He's coming in a week and a half and I'm nervous

[ShelB64]

Hi,

 

My bf of 10 months now is coming for a three week visit from Germany after not having seen him for eight months. We lived together for the first two months of our relationship, then he went back home. I think we are going to have some serious conversation about our future, and I am afraid that I won't know how to handle the topic of marriage, if it comes up.

 

It has been a very rocky road for us (see my past posts) and there have definitely been a lot of problems and issues, red flags, on and offs, good times and bad throughout the months, but we have worked on our issues, and both of us have sought counseling (he is not going now). We are actually at a pretty good stage in the relationship are really trying to give it a good try and make it work.

 

Our biggest problem at this point continues to be communication, which I know is the key to success, especially in a LDR. He cannot make long-distance calls out, and can only occasionally check the internet or send emails. He doesn't have voice mail and frequently turns off his phone so that he can work without his friends distracting him. However, I can't call him when he does this, either, and it is very frustrating. I couldn't talk to him this whole weekend, and I just need to hear his voice.

 

He is often very closed and does not like to share a lot of personal things about himself or his life, and he doesn't like to let down his guard.

 

Another thing is, a decade or so ago, he had proposed to his girlfriend of three years (the only other serious relationship he has been in), and she suddenly rejected his proposal and they broke up. He has told me that this is the reason he is afraid to even think about marriage again. Does this sound like a genuine fear of commitment, or something else?

 

I don't know the circumstances around why she said no, but I think it might have had something to do with communication.

 

We have discussed him possibly trying to immigrate here over the next year and more of a longer-term commitment, but he keeps saying that he is just too afraid of the "M" word.

 

Has anyone else experienced something like this? I know he loves me, and I love him, but is there anyway we can take this relationship to the next step with all his fears? The last time we had a serious discussion about it, he became so closed that didn't speak for weeks. Are there any good books on this topic?

 

Please, don't give me advice to "run away" or "give up" on this relationship. I am determined to try to make it work, if there is any way.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He cannot make long-distance calls out, and can only occasionally check the internet or send emails. He doesn't have voice mail and frequently turns off his phone so that he can work without his friends distracting him. However, I can't call him when he does this, either, and it is very frustrating. I couldn't talk to him this whole weekend, and I just need to hear his voice.

 

He is often very closed and does not like to share a lot of personal things about himself or his life, and he doesn't like to let down his guard.

 

I don't know the circumstances around why she said no, but I think it might have had something to do with communication.

 

He cannot make long-distance calls out, and can only occasionally check the internet or send emails. He doesn't have voice mail and frequently turns off his phone so that he can work without his friends distracting him. However, I can't call him when he does this, either, and it is very frustrating. I couldn't talk to him this whole weekend, and I just need to hear his voice.

 

 

but he keeps saying that he is just too afraid of the "M" word.

The last time we had a serious discussion about it, he became so closed that didn't speak for weeks

 

You can read all the books you want but it takes two people to drive a relationship forwards...and it doesn't seem like he is all that willing. It sounds like he is repeating patterns from his previous relationship. Doesn't sound to me like he has learned any lessons from his last fiasco. I imagine he shut her out as well and that is why she decided not to marry him. What you see is what you get. If you don't want to leave him then you are going to have to accept this kind of life with him...this kind of uncertainty, this kind of lack of communication and shutting you out.

 

I do not understand why he can't make any calls out and use the internet to communicate with you. I am really not buying that excuse, especially since he makes it a point to even prevent you from calling him...he makes sure he is unreachable. You can read and read and read but you have nothing to work with because he is happy as a clam shutting you out...he doesn't see this as a problem thereforee the only person who wants to figure out how this can really work is you. You want to do all the homework and all the reading...yet in the end, he shuts you down. You are not the first person who tries and tries for years and years only to end up in the same place. Don't assume that you will fare any better than his previous girlfriend...because despite the counselling, the communication issue is still not solved and he is not interested in solving it. He is not interested in marriage...he has spelled that out to you quite plainly. So if you want to continue in this relationship you should do it without expectations of marriage and without expectations of major communication improvements...because he has told you already where he stands on those issues.

[fastball2113]

the guy has basically been with you two months, why in the hell would he want to get married

[ShelB64]

Fastball,

 

We lived together for two months, but we have been in a relationship for 10 months. Are you saying that the last eight months, when we have been continuing our relationship, does not count? I say that is ridiculous. We have been together 10 months. We both feel it has been about a year, and we have discussed this before.

 

Actually, he has said there are some things about marriage he does want, such as having someone to share things with, and he says he doesn't want to grow old alone. He is most afraid, I think, of losing his independence.

 

In an email he just sent me this evening, he said he is looking forward to our future together and that we have a spiritual connection. I don't know exactly what this means, but it doesn't sound like this is just a casual relationship, as you imply.