Mumblings...

[Weeblie]

So for the past few months I've had to deal with customers wanting to return stuff despite my no returns policy. The first one was a lady who clearly didn't know what she was doing, since she had ordered two items in differing sizes. Most people who order multiples usually do so in similar sizes. Since it was Christmas and I was feeling generous, I accepted the return. The second return was an error on my part, so I let her return it, though she ended up doing an exchange.

 

Now, I've got this guy who is claiming that the item he bought was in worse condition than listed (which I know is untrue as I had been considering keeping the item for myself) and is trying to make a return. Bleh. This is irritating. I've told him no, but he responded with another response that it wasn't in good condition. ](*,)

 

I feel like I should just let him return it, just to provide good customer service, but another part of me feels like I need to put a stop to this return nonsense.

[Weeblie]

So it's Saturday and I've got the entire place to myself for a few hours. I want to do everything and as a result, I'm doing nothing.

 

Blah.

I don't even really feel like writing.

 

What I feel like right now, is a person with a bunch of wants. I want a haircut. I want to go to Florida and visit family. I want to fix my car. I want to earn more money. I want to move somewhere more lively. I want to move somewhere with warmer weather (though lately the weather has been pretty awesome). I want to get a job with more creativity. I want a job with more responsibilities. I want a job with a little bit more hours (20 hrs a week would be ideal). I want more customers. I want a 1 bedroom apartment. I want, I want, I want.

 

It would be great to just have for a change. Instead, I feel stuck and confused. I'm not sure what to do next.

 

Hm.

 

What did I do in the past? Ok, so when I wanted to move to California, what I did first, was apply for a bunch of jobs over there, through the internet. My experience with that, was crappy. No one responded. What finally worked for me, was applying in person at stores. I had two interviews and was offered a job.

 

So really, what I should do, is apply in person. I can drive to all those places, so it could work.

 

In order to make that work though, I need to get my car fixed. I need to redo my resume and stuff. I also should probably aim to look the part for the job. When I applied at that one store that hired me, I looked just like everyone working there.

 

Bummer. Usually that takes time though. I mean you've got to scope the place out first because every store is different, regardless of the brand.

 

Whatever. Not important. As long as you're close, you're good.

 

Fix car, fix resume stuff.

 

I'd rather get the car fixed than fix my resume. How weird is that?

 

I wonder if I could pay someone to do that stuff? Eh. No.

 

Maybe I'm just thinking too much? Like, maybe what I need to do is just do stuff. Just do anything, just to get a momentum going. Yeah. that sounds good. I guess I'll start on that once I finish my coffee.

[Weeblie]

Banking at Chase is like getting married and then months later, your spouse gains over 50lbs and would rather play video games all day instead of having sex with you. What happened Chase? You used to be so sexy with your all your helpful employees and free checking.

[Weeblie]

Ultimately, I want to grow my business into a source of income that is able to cover business expenses, my rent, my bills, savings and overseas traveling at least once a year.

 

This is totally doable.

[Ellie2006]

It is, Weeblie. It IS! Good luck. We're here rooting for you

[Weeblie]

Thanks Ellie!

[Weeblie]

Been thinking some more about being without a car...

 

So at first the idea of getting rid of it sounds absolutely brilliant. It'll give me much needed cash if I sell it. I'll get money back from the insurance company, which I had put on a credit card, so really that's just less money I have to pay back. I'll save money on gas. If I decide to use a bike to get to and from work, I'll have sexy calves. Plus, it's exercise, which is a stress reliever and I'll be in better shape which has all sorts of benefits. It just sounds awesome overall.

 

But then I looked at the actual path I'd have to take to work and I kind of wanted to throw up. That does not look safe. Perhaps a bike would be useful for smaller trips around town like to Target or the post office. For a trek to work...eh. But then, considering all the benefits, I should probably try the route out once or twice to see if it's really that terrifying.

[Weeblie]

So my visual manager called asking me what's up and why I haven't been calling for my on calls and why I don't want hours. Here's why...

It's degrading. I work extremely hard, I've been given an award for being some sort of good employee, yet I get less hours than everyone else. It doesn't matter that I can do everything or that I do the work of 2 employees. It doesn't matter if I have sales. It doesn't matter if I dress right. It doesn't even matter that I have open availability. For the past few weeks all I've gotten was a handful of hours.

 

I realize that the mature thing to do, the right thing to do, would be to suck it up and just do it. That this is one of those things where you're really hurting yourself and not the company. And to be honest, I'm fine with that. Screw the extra hours. It isn't worth it. The cost of gas and lunch, is pretty much equal to what I've earned. I'm better off spending my time on things that actually earn me money with far less stress.

 

Still, I think I should talk to my vm tomorrow and let her know that I wasn't trying to be rude and explain why I've been such a "bad" employee.

[Weeblie]

Actually, it's more like wasting time. Today I worked from 8-4. Tomorrow I'm working 4-2, I think. On one hand, I'm grateful for the hours and extra cash. On the other hand, I'm upset because I just want some time to myself. Working like this is tiring. It's not like a desk job where you just sit all day, exhaust your mind and then are easily refreshed after work by having a margarita or two and some good conversation. No. You're exhausted mentally and physically and you kind of start to feel...old and as if time is being stolen from you.

 

I probably need a serious pay raise for this to feel less wrong, but I don't think that would help much. I want to work less and play more. I wish my little "business" was doing better. I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to bring myself to get to work on it. Now would be a good time to do some SEO work. I could write an article and if I was really diligent maybe get 3 done. But I just want to veg out. It's ridiculous to think about how much money I made for the company today and how I only get paid 30% of that amount for the entire month. I'd have to work a little over 3 months in order to make how much I sold today. That's kind of depressing.

 

I guess that's my own fault though. I have been neglecting my business. I also haven't really pushed for a raise or even tried to look elsewhere for work. Not that I want to work somewhere else. But really, you can't complain if you haven't taken the time to consider your choices or attempted to improve things. Thing is, I always feel so tired. It's the weird hours I work. It just messes up the sleep pattern.

 

Oh well. Maybe I'll try to write something before I go to work tomorrow or maybe I'll write something on my lunch break.

[Weeblie]

Didn't write any articles. Instead, I overslept and was almost late for work. I then worked an 8 hour day but at two different stores. At the second store, I was sort of the um...work horse. Fold this, move this, place this here...

 

I have to admit, there's a big difference between my first VM and my current VM. They're both passionate about what they do and somewhat pretentious. But B has a softer soul. I remember the first time I visited a different store with B, he took me out to lunch at some fancy restaurant. I was thrilled because back then, I was a serious homebody who never went anywhere besides school, work, home and church. To be in another city, eating in a restaurant was like an adventure. B was always awesome like that. Whenever he could, he'd take his entire crew out to breakfast or lunch. Didn't matter how much it cost, he paid for everyone. S on the other hand, drove me all the way out there and back and dropped me off accross the street from my place. Nothing wrong with that, but it's kind of a sharp contrast from what I'm used to. I suppose I'm spoiled. I mean, I'm not disappointed by it, nor did I even expect to get a ride home. But there is a part of me that is disappointed because I don't particularly feel...liked. Appreciated, yes. They work me like crazy, so I am appreciated. I think they rely a little too heavily on me. But liked...eh. With B, we became friends and drinking buddies. I don't think I'll ever be that with S. Nor do I want to because he's a bit too intense in that regard.

 

Anyway, I suppose the major difference between S and B is that S is the same age as me. B already had his act together and years of experience as a manager in general. Plus, he was all about the people. He loved that aspect of his job. While S, he seems more about the status. He has an interest in people, but it's almost clinical. He's also way more confident than B. He says a lot of ballsy stuff and it's taking me a long time to get his sense of humor. He's funny though.

 

I guess another difference is that I'm not the same as I was back then. I sort of have a clearer idea of what I want from life and this job. Back then, working full-time visuals at the store was the dream. Now, I'd much rather have my own successful business and work at the store occasionally for fun. How I'm going to get to that point, I'm not sure. It's something I haven't given much focus to lately because of how busy I've been. I'm usually more concerned about being well rested. heh.

[Weeblie]

Went and bought a bag of chips and watched an episode of Bones online. Even though they're together now and have a kid, I still adore the dynamic between the two of them. She's neurotic awkward and vulnerable and he's just this wonderful sweet patient guy. I want that. A guy who is patient and enjoys being around me even though I'm kind of difficult to be with. sigh.

 

But whatever. Ducks in a row. I've got to focus on that instead. A larger apartment with a bedroom of my own and a real bed instead of a futon. Oh and week long vacations to exotic locations. Hm. My idea of having my ducks in a row is kind of weird.

 

Anyway, there were two promotions at work. That's exciting I guess. They haven't been with the store for long, so that's actually really good. I'm curious about who's replacing them. Also, it makes me wonder what would be the next step for me? Would I be considered for a promotion? What sort of things would I need to do in order to have that happen? To be honest, that's not really what I want. I mean, if nothing better comes along, I'll take it. The extra money would help out greatly. But I don't see myself trying to climb that corporate ladder much further.

[Weeblie]

Actually it really isn't that bad. It's just that time of the month and things just seem extra special. I spilled coffee all over my couch/bed and now my apartment reeks of hazelnut coffee. Just got an email from Direct Loans notifying me that my loan has been passed off to Mohela, which is kind of random since I don't recall being notified about it. Had to reschedule my shift at work because my interview got switched to a different day, only to find out that the original day was the correct one and the guy setting up the interviews still hasn't gotten back to me about fixing this. I bought a blazer for the interview, but now I don't even know if I want to bother even trying to go to it. My product submissions to google keep getting rejected and I have no idea why and I've spent 2 hours trying to figure it out. Oh and I've got cramps.

 

I sort of think this is a sign that I need to take a nap or go get a drink. Buying some beer seems real tempting right about now, but I have to save my money for the commute to the interview. Is this even worth it? Would it be wrong if I just said screw it to this interview and continued on at this sweatshop of a job? I don't know. It's nearly a 2 hour commute. I can't imagine how it could work out. But then, I don't know how the heck I managed this move either. Stuff always works itself out, so maybe it isn't worth stressing over? Meh. I think I'm going to call my sister.

[Weeblie]

Uh, do you have to drink it?

 

Been wanting to spill the beans on this for awhile, but unfortunately no one seems available to talk. It's really annoying because B had made plans to get in touch with me today at a certain time and hasn't. I mean, it was already annoying that we had to schedule a phone date, when all I wanted to do was have a quick 15 minute chat about what's been going on. But he acts like it's got to be some major phone reunion that lasts for hours and his busy self has no time for that. Which is sort of funny because he's the one who does most of the talking. So really, I should be avoiding him, but whatever, I digress...

 

So my old VM works at a fancy store and I guess they're branching out and will be opening a store in the LA area and she recommended me to the hiring person. The exciting part is that this store might be part of a reality tv show. Actually, that's kind of not exciting. But from what I understand, I wouldn't have to be on tv, I could be a behind the scenes person. I'm assuming it'd pay more and that the work would be less stressful than what I currently do.

 

The only problem is that I kind of don't want to go for this. It'll be an 1 hour and a half commute and there's a chance that this might not be a long term job. Also, the hiring people are kind of flaky and disorganized. I've switched my schedule around for an interview twice and they still have the dates wrong. Plus, this isn't the sort of work I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I'm just doing this to pay the bills. So I can't really see how this is a good opportunity for me. The long commute sounds frustrating and costly. The difficulty of getting in touch with these hiring people is a major turn-off.

 

The only thing that makes this sound worthwhile is that they "might" pay more. But then, is that even worth it? Meh. I don't know. Part of me just wants to pass on interviewing with them. It seems like too much hassle. But then part of me wonders if I should just try because you never know what might happen. It could be worthwhile.

[Weeblie]

I bailed on the interview. Too many things were going wrong and I just had a bad feeling about it. Oh and B stood me up because he was on a date with that guy he doesn't really like. When he finally called, I didn't answer because I was so upset that I started moving furniture around. He left a really sad message but I still didn't call him until a few days later. I got into a fight with R sometime after that. That was like over 2 weeks ago and we haven't talked to each other since.

 

It's funny, some things in my life are starting to look up, while other things look bleak. Business seems to be improving. The loan error has been fixed. Work is tolerable. But then the whole social part of my life blows. The people who I considered friends kind of aren't there. R is acting like a douche...and yeah. I'll admit I didn't handle that situation well and things could've been handled differently, but I don't think what I was asking for was unreasonable. Last minute plans to see each other once a month, just isn't what I'm looking for. Also, using lame-o photos to communicate is NOT communication. It's immature and unkind.

 

Anyway, I've put up an online dating profile again. I figured since we weren't a couple then and we're clearly not a couple now, I should keep my options open. But it's like nothing but damaged goods out there. If they're nice, they're hideous. If they're good-looking they're douches. If they're in between, they've got serious baggage. I'm tempted to take the profile down again because it's just so disappointing.

 

There's a guy at work that's been showing interest though. He's nice, he's actually really good looking (extremely fit too) and for the most part he's normal. I don't really find myself attracted to him. Like he's fun to talk to and flirt with, but meh. He's too much like me. He's a bit timid and oozes vulnerability. He stopped by work today and tried to talk to me, but I really didn't want to talk to him. He looked a bit sad about that.

 

sigh.

 

I don't think dating is a good idea right now. It's just so frustrating though because I feel like I've done everything they say you should do to meet the right person. I've immersed myself in my own interests. I worked on learning to love myself. But yet here I am feeling like a complete failure all over again. But whatever. There's a reason for all this right? Like maybe all this isn't working out because I really need to focus on just getting my life in order. Why that is a requirement for me and not anyone else...I don't know.

[Weeblie]

So basically, I flip items online. I find something that looks like it has potential, buy it, clean it up, take nice photos and sell it for a nice profit. Now, for awhile I was a bit of a douche bag and I would haggle with sellers on ebay or etsy to get a lower price. I feel like that was a bit wrong considering that these people were also trying to make a profit and I was basically screwing them over. If they price it low, whatever. They know what profit they're making. But to ask them to go much much lower, isn't really fair and taking advantage. So nowadays, I might contact someone on ebay, ask them what they'd like to get and if it sounds reasonable, I'll jump on it or take my chance with an auction. On etsy, I'll only negotiate on shipping because the items I buy, should never cost more than $6 to ship. You get free boxes at the post office and you can use the yellow pages to protect it. This is just me and there are arguments for either side, but I think if you're trying to get extra money out of the purchase, then you should've included shipping costs within the product price. I find it absolutely irritating to pay $6.00 for shipping then get the item a week later, in crappy recycled packaging and a postage stamp for $1.67

 

But whatever, I'm getting sidetracked. So anyway, back in my douche bag days, there was an awesome item I had found on Etsy that had massive potential to sell for twice the amount it was being sold at. Greedy little me, tried to haggle with the owner to get the item for $40.00 including shipping instead of paying $50.00. Well the seller wouldn't budge and didn't even bother trying to negotiate. Had she tried, I would've gladly paid $45.00 for the item. Anyway, fast forward a year later. The item still hadn't sold and the seller had marked it down to $20.00. Crazy huh? Of course I bought it, but wow. She missed out on making an extra $20 from that item.

 

I suppose that shows how weird and irrational the mind can be. I mean, I get her reasoning. I've had people try to trade some pretty worthless stuff for my items and I turned them down. But if someone is making a money offer? Eh. I'll consider it and make a counteroffer, which they usually accept. I don't know if that's bad business, but as long as I'm still turning a pretty high profit, I don't see anything wrong with offering a discount to someone who asks for it. It's money I didn't have before, you know?

[Weeblie]

So I've come to the conclusion that I need to earn more money. A quick way to do this would be to apply for another part-time job. I primarily work in the mornings, so my evenings are free. But, I haven't done this. It's not so much laziness, but that I really really don't want a 2nd part-time job. I don't even want the current job with more hours or responsibility. I have an application all filled out for one store and instead of going to the store and turning it in, it just sits there on my desk. Just thinking about turning that thing in makes my neck hurt and my shoulders ache.

 

So my second option is to increase sales with my online stores, but for some reason that's been doing awful. I looked into working on improving my rankings in google, but it'll cost me quite a bit to get the programs I need to do so and it'll cost me triple that to pay someone to do it for me. Not only that, increasing my traffic means I need more merchandise, which I can't really invest it. It's a catch 22 in that situation. I need sales to increase traffic, but I need to buy things to get more sales. I have a little bit of money to splurge, but I can't make up my mind where to put it so...nothing. This also makes my neck and shoulders hurt.

 

Anyway, so I have some sort of idea of what I would like to be doing. Something that's online and where I can work whatever hours I want to, has low start up costs and pays a lot. Heh. I think that's something a lot of people want. I'd also like the income to not be dependent on things like adsense because internet marketing is kind of intense and not have to deal with people too much. Like freelance graphic designer...would probably kill me. Graphic designer of website templates...sort of better. I think the problem with both those things is the graphic designer aspect which is kind of weird considering that should be the easy part.

 

Hm......I think I need to do some brainstorming.

[Weeblie]

Hah. So I turned in 3 applications today.

 

I was looking at possible alternative sources of income and really the best one was donating plasma.

The next one was creating an etsy store that specialized in Blogger and Wordpress templates, but uh...I don't know how to make those. I could learn, but that would take about 2 really intense weeks of studying, which actually isn't that bad. The part that has me all squeamish is dealing with customers. Having bought a few templates and going through a few updates with wordpress and then searching for help within that forum...is pretty scary. People will get all crazy even though they spent less than a $100 on the theme. So yeah...not down with that.

 

But I suppose there's ways around that? I don't know. It still has potential. Since it's a template or theme or whatever they're called, it's something that is bought and can't be returned. Also, it doesn't require any other investment aside from time. So I figure if I can get a decent part-time or full-time job right now, this is something I can dabble with on the side.

[Weeblie]

So I'm a tiny bit upset because I would like some support and advice right now, but none of my close friends or family are available. I realize that this is something I can probably handle on my own. I also realize that it's the weekend and they're probably busy. But I can't help but take this personally and feel a little bit hurt. I mean, I'm always there for them even for the little things. I rarely ask for anything, so I sort of feel like it should be obvious that this is kind of serious. But nope. Nothing.

 

How do you respond to things like that? I get that you find support elsewhere or you solve the situation on your own. But what do you do about the people who aren't there when you need them? I know with B, I'm pretty much done. If he calls, whatever. I'll be polite and if I'm not busy I'll chat with him, but I'm not trying anymore. With my sisters??? I can't exactly do the same. Actually...I probably could. It's just irritating, you know? It's easy for me to be there for people, I'm flexible and things always seem to click into place even if I rearrange my schedule. I always find time. So yeah, I'm biased and I don't get why they don't/can't have/make time.

 

But whatever. It's sort of stupid to be concerned about these sorts of things. It's not like I have any control over whether or not they get in touch with me. I only have control over myself. So instead of wasting energy being upset, I should be more proactive about things. Like right now, I could google some answers or start a new thread in a relevant forum asking for advice. In the future, I could work on making new friends instead of wasting time with people who clearly aren't friends. Yeah.

 

Anyway, I think I'm going to do some pushups and listen to obnoxious rap songs until I'm in a better mood and then deal with the thing I'm worrying about. It's totally doable and I'm sure it'll work out fine.

[Ellie2006]

Hey Weeblie, I dont know if you remember me but I was delighted to see that you've started up your journal again.

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Hope it was a minor hurdle and that things are ok again in your corner of the world.

Take care of yourself!

[Weeblie]

Thanks Ellie! And of course I remember you.

 

Also, everything sort of worked itself out. I finally reached a point where I couldn't wait anymore, so I just dealt with the situation on my own. It was actually not a big deal at all and things went far smoother than expected. Oh and after I had taken care of that situation, that's when people started getting in touch with me.

 

It's weird how that happens. When you're desperate, nothing seems to work out. When you stop caring things just start to fall into place. It makes no sense at all.

[Weeblie]

So basically nothing has happened with that buff guy at work, not that I'm bummed about it. I'm just interested in his approach and why it's been kind of a huge fail. I mean, he's hot. He's nice. I should be intrigued and giddy to see him and I'm not. I think part of that is because he keeps asking me the same questions over.

 

First Meeting...

Buff Guy What's your nationality?

Me Half Spanish and Half Asian

Buff Guy No way! Me too! Our names start with same letters and we're the same nationality!

Me Neato!

 

A few weeks later...

Buff Guy What's your nationality?

Me The same as yours, remember?

Buff Guy Oh sorry, it's just that I rarely get to see you.

 

2 weeks later...

Buff Guy Hey you're half Spanish too?

Me: Wow, I'm getting this weird dejavu feeling right now.

Buff Guy I've asked you this before haven't I?

Me Yup.

 

I think another part that's a turn-off is that he's just been really slow about making a move. First he asked if I had a facebook account. I told him that I deactivated it a long time ago. Then he asked me for my business card. I didn't have one. He then gave up. I suppose I could've made it easier for him and offered my number, but something was telling me I shouldn't.

 

Now on the flip side there's this totally dorky guy at work who is way skinnier than I am and just seems like all sorts of awkward that I've started talking to. Two weeks ago we had a few fun conversations. Last week we ran into each other at the end/beginning of our shifts. Then today we had an overlapping shift and he said to me, "I guess we're back to only seeing each other once a month? That's kind of a bummer". Then 15 minutes later he came back and asked if it'd be weird if he were to text me outside of work. I said it'd be fine. Then an hour later he asked me for my number.

 

And I'm giddy.

 

I mean, I don't know if I'm interested in this becoming more than a platonic thing. I don't really seem like his type and this could just be him being friendly. There's also a pretty good chance he's way younger than me and I would be venturing into cougar lady territory. But eh, he seems like fun.

 

Anyway, it's just weird how one person who seems so smooth and put together on the outside isn't actually very smooth. While another guy who vaguely resembles the dude from Revenge of the Nerds, kind of has game. I mean, he didn't even fool around with asking me about facebook or a business card. He just went straight for the phone number. I totally admire that.

 

But then...there's no doubt that buff guy is a nice guy. He wasn't always the looker he is now and you can tell he's still coming to terms with that. But dorky guy? I have no clue. You've got to wonder why he seems so confident.

[Weeblie]

I've been talking a lot to the dorky guy, which has been awesome except for that the fact that the flirting has gotten out of hand and well...he's 8 years younger than me. I just can't get past the age difference. I know it really shouldn't matter, but it just makes me feel like a creepy pervert. Anyway, it must've been bothering him too, because he made a comment about how I used the word baby in scrabble.

 

So we had a talk about what was going on. But since this is me and I'm completely awkward when it comes to relationships, I turned the conversation into a drawn out confusing mess. He actually gave me a graceful out and instead of just taking it, I felt the need to be honest and let him know that I was attracted to him, but the age difference bothered me and I still had feelings for R. He then said he wasn't looking for anything serious and that we should just see what happens. I thought that seemed fair, but then he started saying really sweet and nice things and I got the feeling he was a little more serious than he said he was. So again, I was like, thanks but let's just be friends and he went silent.

 

What's really irritating is how bad I feel. I feel bad for giving him hope, when I should've just shut my mouth and ended things neatly and cleanly. I also feel sort of guilty when I think about the sweet things he said because, well I'm not that sweet person. I'm also a bit uncomfortable about how much this reminds me of my first boyfriend. I knew from the beginning that we weren't going to work out, but when I tried to end things with him, I was so overcome with guilt that I ended up staying. I'm sticking to my decision this time, but it's just weird how strongly I feel. I really don't like hurting people and there's this strong urge to try to make him feel better, even though I know that will only make things worse.

 

I guess the silver lining to this all, is that it happened sooner than later. It probably would've been worse if something actually happened between us or if feelings were allowed to get stronger. Also, despite the dorky exterior, the guy has got game and knows how to move things along. So I'm sure this isn't as dramatic for him as it is for me and he'll meet someone easily enough.

[Weeblie]

Hah. Figures. Turns out dorky guy has a girlfriend. I guess I was right that he'd get over this easily. Opportunistic little ----.

 

It's kind of amusing. This discovery explains the graceful out and his heavy use of text messages. It also explains why he was so fascinated with seeing my place. She's his roommate.

 

But then it kind of sucks. I mean, if the age difference didn't exist, I probably would've been completely oblivious. It sort of also means that all of those nice things he said didn't really mean anything. Just a guy trying to get into someone's pants and I was almost gullible enough to fall for it.

[Weeblie]

So late last night dorky guy texted me after he got out of work asking what I was up to. I didn't respond. Today when I stopped by to pick up something I had forgotten, he said hi and I sort of brushed him off. He then texted me after I left asking why I was acting cold. I called him out on the girlfriend thing and he responded with, "who told you"? When I didn't respond, he sent another text saying he doesn't understand why I'm acting differently towards him, when I wanted to keep things platonic.

 

Good point.

 

I've been overly emotional about someone I barely know and who probably was never a good fit to begin with. I just spoke with T about this and he says that I haven't gotten closure from things ending with R and that I need to properly grieve, but instead I kind of transferred all of my feelings onto this guy. He said the longer the old relationship was, the more intense the rebound is going to seem. Which kind of makes sense. I spent the first month trying not to think about R. Towards the end of the 2nd month I started to feel upset and that's when I met dorky guy. He sort of provided a distraction from R, though I did compare them a lot, because well they've got a lot similarities. And yeah, my feelings towards R have neutralized, but now they're all over dorky guy. What a hot mess. I can't even blame PMS on this.

 

Anyway, T says not to respond to dorky guy. I agree because really, what do I hope to accomplish from this? Can't really do the friendship thing because he lied. If he were to break up with his girlfriend, I'm not sure that I'd be thrilled to pick up where things left off. So yeah...probably best to let that just fade away.

 

Not sure what to do with the emotions though.

[Weeblie]

So yesterday was kind of crazy. In the afternoon, dorky guy sent a text asking if I was ignoring him and then called. I didn't respond or pick up. After that I spoke with R. I guess that was more for closure than anything, as I asked him why he never called. He said, "Because it was frustrating and I didn't want to deal with it". He then said we could talk some more about it after he got lunch, but I said I didn't want to. Then late that night, dorky guy sent another text saying thanks a lot. So I told him that I was bothered with the dishonesty. He then gave me this lecture about how I assume things and that for all I know they could be broken up, that he never uses facebook and he didn't understand why I didn't come to him first about it and why I got so offended by it. But the thing is...I found out about it on instagram and his girlfriend posted another photo of them together, a few of hours before he gave me that lecture. So again, he's still lying and now he's trying to make me out to be the bad one.

 

I'm just amazed at how unkind this all is. I suppose I should be grateful because well, now I know to stay away. But it just kind sucks, you know? Like, what the heck did I do to experience something like this? I got an email saying that challenging situations happen in order to strengthen you. I suppose that's true. But this seems so unnecessary.