Mumblings...

[Weeblie]

B wasn't there last night, but an old friend from the past was. Turns out he got a job with the company again, but over at the Gardens. It was nice seeing him and catching up, but it also really stressed me out. It was so strange!

 

I think part of it was due to the fact that he's a supervisor now and I didn't want to make him look bad by always trying to chat. Another part of it was because I sort of felt like I was being...judged? I can't quite explain it. He was like, "I have this now and I have that now, what about you?" Uh, how do you respond to a question like that? Oh hey, I made some poor financial decisions and now I'm finally in control of that hot mess?

 

I suppose that isn't a bad thing to say. I mean, I feel like I've made some serious progress when it comes to my finances. It's just a different sort of success. I guess my problem is that I never thought that 5 years later, this is how things would be. Though my friend also seemed to have the same thoughts about his life. I mean, compared to me, he's extremely successful, but compared to what he wanted to be, he's nowhere near that.

 

Anyway, I wonder if this means anything? Was I supposed to learn something from this? Hm...Would I take the same path as my friend? No.

 

Oh well, the only thing sticking out at me is that I knew that I didn't want things to be like this, but I never knew what I wanted it to be like. Five years ago, I knew I wanted to move. I didn't know where though. I knew I wanted to work somewhere else, but didn't know where or what kind of work I wanted to do. So really things are the way they are because I didn't make up my mind. I didn't have a direction to move towards, so I just moved around in circles where I was.

 

I think that's the one thing I've got going for me now. I now know where I want to be and I'm starting to get an idea of the sort of work I want to do. Instead of going around in circles and creating more setbacks to overcome, I'm standing still and taking the time to figure out where to go and how to get there.

 

Anyway, I think I need to get away from the computer and start doing some work.

[Weeblie]

Yesterday another co-worker from the past appeared. We didn't get to chat much as it was rather busy and I had to keep running around. She was surprised I was still there and I was a little embarrassed that I was still there.

Again, I wonder if that means anything. Is this another reminder that I need to get out of there?

 

It'd be nice to quit, but I'm kind of tired of spontaneously quitting without a plan. That hasn't worked so well for me in the past.

[Weeblie]

Can't sleep. My neck is killing me and I have no idea why. PMS? Work related stress? Bad mattress?

 

I've decided not to quit my job and embrace the extra hours I've been given. I've been doing some research and it seems that the little side project that I've been working on will require a bit of an investment. Not a huge amount, but the extra holiday hours will help out. Plus, it'd help out with my other savings goals. Oh and I totally forgot that the holidays are coming up and there'll be some shopping that goes along with that.

 

Though I read an interesting link removedon some blog today about how in life there is no sideways living. You're either moving up or down. Living sideways is stagnating and eventually leads to some downward spiral or whatever...I'm not explaining it too well.

 

Anyway, that post has me seriously afraid of staying at my job for much longer. I'd hate to be like B, 15 years later, unhappy, stressed out and unable to leave. I'm kind of scared that I'm not making enough progress and that if I stay there longer I might get too comfortable. Though...if this neck pain is work related, I really can't get too comfortable.

[Weeblie]

Tonight at work we put up Christmas trees and listened Christmas songs. Even got to hear my favorite holiday song... The Christmas Song by the Raveonettes. It totally captures how I feel right now. I would love for it to snow and walk around with someone special instead of going home. It'd sure beat the humid 80 degree weather I walked into when I left the store.

 

Oh well. Crossing my fingers that another cold front comes this way.

 

Anyway, can't believe that it's practically November already or that we're already putting up holiday displays. It's sort of ridiculous. I feel like there should be scenes with pilgrims and turkeys up first. Though I suppose that wouldn't really inspire people to buy clothes. Well at least not clothing from our store.

[Weeblie]

So I was trying to come up with a name for my blog and this site happened to generate business names and at the same time check if the domain is available...sweet! All you had to do was click a button and it'd do all the work. At first it started spewing out random stuff like Soloorr or Kedof, which sound like awesome names for drugs. Then it started generating nifty names like RedFinch and FierySquirrel (I think both were taken already). Then it came out with this:

 

image removed

 

Yup. Tenderbeaver.

So not using that one.

[Ellie2006]

ahahahaha what a goofy name!

I'm sure you can come up with something much better -- you're so creative!

[Weeblie]

The other night, I was thinking about the Danish boy and how I wished he would contact me, so I could return the book he loaned me a few years ago. I feel guilty tossing the book as it's an autographed copy, but I have no desire to keep it because it no longer has any meaning to me.

 

Well lo and behold I had a dream about him and in that dream I was kicking some serious butt. I'm not sure why I was beating some guy up, but in the end I woke up feeling rather good. I can't remember too much of what I said to the Danish guy. I think I argued with him for a bit and then got into a fight with that random guy.

 

I don't know why, but that dream makes perfect sense to me. The Dane was a rather aggressive guy and when I shared with him my ambitions at the time, he was equally (if not more) ambitious. That's what I liked about him, plus, he was blunt, wasn't afraid of an argument and he actually believed I was better than all the others in my class. So that's probably why I dreamt of arguing with him. Getting into a disagreement with him, meant that you weren't up to par with what he thought was awesome. And lately, I haven't felt like much of a success.

 

And I think the fight with the guy...well, that's sort of hard to explain. I think that's a part of my personality that I haven't indulged in awhile. It's been a long time since I've had crazy unobtainable goals and believed that I could accomplish them and it's been even longer since I've accomplished something like that. I guess beating the guy up was just a reminder of how nice victory is.

 

It's so weird to think that at one time, I wanted to be on the same level as David Carson or Sagmiester. But then even as a kid, I had crazy ideas like that. I mean, for a long time I wanted to be mayor of New York!

 

The only thing I don't understand is why am I dreaming about this now? Maybe I'm not being as aggressive as I should be about achieving my current goals? I mean, back when I had classes with the Danish guy, I'd spend my entire day working on projects, that's why they turned out so well. I was focused. Hmm...

 

Yeah that's it. I need to be putting more energy toward my goals.

[Weeblie]

New Year, new goals:

 

1. Figure out if I want to move to LA or SF.

2. Move to one of those cities by June.

3. Buy a macbook pro.

4. Earn an extra 1000 a month from selling my photographs.

5. Blog at least 5 days a week.

 

For some reason, I find it extremely hard to figure out where I want to move. I suppose it's because I haven't spent a significant enough amount of time in either place. But, whatever. The point of moving is to finally, well, move.

 

I mean I never lived in Amsterdam before and I learned to love being there after a few months, so I'm pretty sure that wherever I go, I'll be fine. I just wish I could decide which would be a better fit. I mean, SF seems like the big city but bite-sized. While LA seems like it's more entertaining and cultural. But then SF is way more expensive and parking seems scarce. Oh and LA just seems overwhelming and I'm a little freaked out by a documentary I watched about Skid Row.

 

Ugh. I should probably just flip a coin. Yeah, I think that if I can't make a decision by the end of this month, I'll just flip a coin. Probably not the best way to make a major life decision, but I have a feeling that this could be a lot of fun.

[Weeblie]

I'm overly emotional about the stupidest things.

 

Last night I was driving to work and that song Ever the Same by Rob Thomas came on. Even though it's a really old song, it was the first time I had ever heard it and that song just killed me. I mean, my throat was all choked up, tears were running down my eyes...I was a mess. But I wasn't crying because it was a sad song. I wasn't even crying because I was sad that I'm single and don't have some musical boyfriend singing me pretty love songs. I was crying because I thought it was just so sweet that he loved whoever he was singing about that much. Ugh, it was so beautiful. Especially the last part of the song where he's like...

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden I assure

 

You're no burden!!! I think I'd just fall apart if I had a guy like that. Heck, even a friend like that! Just absolutely turn into a sloppy mess of tears.

 

But the sappiness isn't just limited to love songs. Remember the movie "Spanglish"? Every time I see the scene where the maid makes the chubby girl retry on the too small clothes her mother bought her, I have to leave the room because I don't want anyone to see me get all teary-eyed. It's just such a sweet kind thing she does for that girl! I'm overwhelmed by how nice that was. I wish all parents got along with their kids like that.

 

Ugh. Is it normal that I cry about things that are sort of happy?

[Weeblie]

I'm not as confident as I'd like to be/used to be.

 

There's another forum (totally unrelated to this one) I used to like posting on, but now I just lurk on there occasionally. I thought it was because I had lost interest in the site, but I realize that I'm just afraid to share my thoughts. I used to have a sort of um...arrogance that I was always right and that I couldn't possibly be wrong. But after a rather spirit crushing experience, I realized that there's still a lot I don't get about life.

 

Now, I think that's a good thing as it has forced me to try to really push myself to understand other perspectives and further enforced the idea that some things in life really aren't that black and white. I'm still a judgemental sort of person, but at least I'm less of a douche bag about it.

 

What sucks though is that I'm constantly doubting myself even when I'm right. I've been trying to reprogram my brain to trust my gut more often, but there are times when I just give in to the doubt and feel crappy. Worse, there are times when I do what I know is right and later on feel guilty because of the doubt.

[Weeblie]

So around the end of last year, I bought a Holga and have been playing around with 120 film. The photos aren't anything spectacular, but for some reason I enjoy playing around with this cheapo camera instead of my super expensive digital camera.

 

Anyway, I recently ordered a Used - "like new" photo/film scanner so that I could scan some of my negatives and fool around with them in photoshop. Well...the darn thing finally arrived today and it was so NOT what I expected. It was covered with deep scratches (some could even be called dents), dirty and came with obviously pirated software. But that's not the best part...it was missing the negative holders!!! They were the sole reason for buying this darn thing and yet, they were completely missing!

 

I've contacted the seller about this, so now I just have to wait and see what happens. I'm not really too concerned about getting a refund, since if there are problems with the seller, Amazon will take care of it and if Amazon doesn't take care of it, American Express probably will.

 

My concern is the shipping. Amazon has this stupid rule where you pay a flat rate for shipping regardless of the weight of the item. So I paid $6.99. Since the darn thing weighs nearly 13lbs, in actuality it's going to cost at the cheapest, $17.00 to send back. Who's paying for that? If I pay for that and get a full refund, I'm out $10.

 

As someone who used to sell on Amazon, I can relate to how sucky it is for a seller to have to eat the extra costs of shipping, but since he basically lied about what he was listing, I think he should cover the full cost of shipping. How that's going to happen though, I have no idea. It seems odd to say...oh please give me a full refund and then an additional $10 (you lying time wasting scumbag).

 

Meh.

[Weeblie]

Mailed the scanner back without raising a stink. Decided $10 isn't worth getting worked up over. Besides (on swagbucks) I'm only 9 points away from getting another $5 amazon gift card. So that sort of makes up for some of the loss.

 

Anyway, I still haven't made up my mind about where I'm going to move to. I think the biggest problem for me isn't that I don't know where to move, it's that I'm just scared to actually move. It'd be easier if this was something I could do quickly, sort of like jumping into a cold pool or ripping off a band-aid. But all this saving and preparing, it's got me anxious. It's given me too much time to think, question and doubt. Then I start trying to gauge my feelings, see if I still feel passionate about this decision. But it's hard to know how I really feel when I've got all this fear running through me.

 

I should probably flip a coin. Temporarily take away the decision making and just stick to the idea until I'm positive it is or isn't what I want to do. Heh. That still makes me nervous for some reason.

[Weeblie]

The Sartorialist wrote a post the other day, about showing grace and thoughtfulness to his love. As expected, the post and the following 298 comments (yes, I read them all) had me in tears.

 

Well last night I had the opportunity to show grace and thoughtfulness to someone I loved and hadn't spoken to in months. And once again I was reminded why this person is no longer even a friend. He never cared about me and by telling me about his girl problems (even without going into detail), he made it that much clearer that I would never be someone that he'd drop everything for in order to cheer up or someone he'd wake up early to make some coffee for or move a candle out of the way because he knew me well enough and was worried that I'd accidentally catch my sleeve on fire...or even someone that he'd write to in his free time solely because he wanted to hear from me and not because he wanted/needed something from me.

 

And it saddens me that I've made such a bad choice with this person. That these past four years could've been spent cultivating love for someone who would've actually returned the feeling and instead I wasted it on him. I don't even know why I did it either, because looking back it should've been so obvious that I was always just the fallback girl to him.

 

Why am I such a magnet for selfish people? People who only spend time with me when they need something. It's funny, but I can see this repeated in past relationships and I can even see my youngest sister treating me the same way. I suppose in some way it feels good to be needed, but I want more than that.

 

Oh well. Not devoting anymore time to this. Four years has been long enough.

[Weeblie]

My last post was a rather self-absorbed melodramatic piece of crap. Normally, I would delete that sort of post and pretend it never happened, but I think I'm just going to leave it up there as a reminder of how true that cheesy saying is...when you're pointing at someone, there's three other fingers pointing back at you.

 

See, I was really pissed off that after not speaking to each other for 8 or 9 months (it's been so long I've lost track), "R" didn't respond to me in the way that I wanted him to. I wanted him to say, "I miss you, come back to me and let us frolic happily through the fields of sunflowers!" Instead, after exchanging a couple of brief emails, he mentions that he's upset over a girl. To me, that seemed like such a callous insensitive thing to do, considering our history and especially since I was the one who wanted to make the relationship work. I was mad that out of all the people he could've talked to, that out of all his friends, I was the one he decided to reveal that he was having relationship problems. He didn't have to go there and I was probably the last person who should hear such a thing. To steal the words of Nancy Kerrigan (God bless that poor girl)..."Why me?"

 

Well, in my moment of self pity I was unable to view the situation in its entirety. I forgot to question things like, why is he telling me about a failure, when most selfish douche bag exes would be bragging about how women think they're awesome? Why does he think I should know this? And the question that causes me shame, why do I think this means he doesn't care about me or respect me as a friend?

 

Four years ago, Jeff (the reason I came to this forum) broke my heart. I locked myself in my room with my laptop and wouldn't speak to anyone. The only person I had contact with was "R" and I told him about the breakup and how Jeff said we had nothing in common. "R" told me that was a lame reason to end things and that it just shows that Jeff was too lazy to get to know me better. "R" said that was unfortunate because he was finding that I was worth getting to know.

 

Now, at that moment I felt cared for and I knew that I really liked "R". BUT I was still hung up on Jeff and it took me a good while to get over him. That didn't mean that I didn't care about "R" or that I didn't respect him. It's just where I was at the time.

 

And now, it's back to the start all over again. I am not a romantic interest, just someone who happened to be there when he wasn't feeling so great. Yes, there's all this messy back history between us, but when it boils down to it, it wasn't meant to hurt me. It wasn't him using me to make himself feel better. Heck, he hardly even shared a fraction of what I had told him when things ended between me and Jeff.

 

It's just where he was at the time and it was my opportunity to repay the thoughtfulness he had shown me in the past. And I'm embarrassed to say that instead of being glad to do that, I was unhappy about it.

 

I'm not saying that "R" is a saint or that he hasn't hurt me in the past (oh boy he's hurt me). But the thing is, none of it was intentional or malicious. Ignoring all the relationship drama and all the pain that came from unsuccessfully trying to pursue one, he was someone I could rely on, who tried to improve things when I wasn't happy and in his own backwards way tried to look out for me. So he doesn't love me in the way that I want to be loved...that doesn't mean he's a bad person.

 

Anyway, I don't know if we'll keep on talking to each other. I hope that we do and while hearing that he likes someone else still makes me cringe a little bit, I liked that he talked to me about it even if it was very briefly. I have to admit, in the past I wished we talked more about our experiences with dating (well more about our past experiences, not so much the present) since there's so much you can learn about each other from those kinds of conversations.

 

Oh well. I think it's time to get another cup of coffee.

[Weeblie]

So my two-week vacation is finally over. I thought that a few days away from customers would leave me refreshed and excited to go back to work. Instead, I still feel pretty much the same. I've really been doing this for too long. I used to be able to sympathize with the complaints, used to be able to keep up with the ever changing demands of my managers, but now...

Eh.

 

It's like I'm working at "J" all over again. Management has changed, the business model has changed and even though I'm a fan of change, none of it has been for the better. I'm tempted to put in my two weeks notice and leave for Monterey when my sister does. Of course, financially, that would put me in a really bad position so I won't quit...yet.

 

What I would like to do right now, is figure out what is needed exactly in order to move. I know I need about $700 for the drive, meals and to cover motel/hotel expenses. Then I would like to have about $963 saved up, which will cover 3 months of credit card and student loan payments. That's $1663 I need to save right there. Unfortunately, I'm not sure which area I want to live in and how much rent will cost me. Once I've figured that out, I'll have a better idea of how fast I can leave this place.

 

I've mostly been looking at 1bedroom apartments, but the average seems to be around $1300 a month. Considering that I want to pay off my cc debt in under 2 years and I'm planning to move to an area where I don't know anyone at all, it'd be a better idea to live with roommates. I'd save money and possibly make some friends that way too. I'm still not sure what rent would be, so I'll look into that later on today.

 

Anyway, right now achieving the first goal of $1663 is actually doable. I could probably have that by the end of the month. Though, it'd mean that I'd have to give up on buying that fancy MacBook Pro to replace my now defunct Powerbook, but I think that's a worthwhile sacrifice.

[Weeblie]

Ever since I was a little kid, any dream that I had about getting married has been rather...off. Last night's dream was no exception. ugh.

 

In this dream I was getting married to someone I actually liked for a change. In fact, I was so excited, that before we were supposed to gather in the church, I ran off to see the groom because I had planned a little romantic surprise. Why I would do such a thing is beyond me, especially since it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.

 

Well off I go and find the groom and he's surrounded by his family and friends and the photographer. I pull him away and he's a little annoyed because...I don't know. In my dream I didn't have mind reading powers like I usually do in dreams. If I were to guess, he was annoyed because I was breaking tradition and acting like a fool or whatever.

 

I end up taking him to this cave, that sort of reminded me of Howie's Cavern in NY. I have no clue why I thought that would be romantic and uh...the groom had the same feeling about that and needless to say the wedding did not happen.

 

What the heck? I have no clue why I'd do all those stupid things. I know that in the dream I was just trying to be romantic, but really. It was so off!

 

I wonder if this has something do with what's going on in my life right now? Like maybe I feel like I'm acting out of character and that it'll mess up things?

[Weeblie]

So Valentine's day was rather nice. I got some chocolates, was invited to a party and had a friend confess that they would like to date me. Of course, for various reasons dating him will never be an actual possibility. But it's nice to know that we're both fond of each other. Despite how flattering it is that he finds me interesting (and how nice it is to have someone to flirt with), I do hope he finds the love he's looking for because he really is just that awesome and it's a shame that someone hasn't snapped him up already. Shoot I would if I could.

 

In other news, I'm learning how to deal with deadbeat buyers. The "I'm not waiting around for you" approach seems to be the best. I canceled a sale on Etsy and the buyer instantly came back with a payment! Woohoo! The "I'm understanding and patient" approach isn't as successful. I'm still waiting for a payment from a girl who won one of my auctions about two weeks ago. She said she's been unable to get to a computer, but she'll find the money soon...

 

I think I'll approach this sale in the same way that I handled the Etsy sale. It isn't worth the stress and there are other people out there that are able to pay for it immediately.

 

Gosh. I love doing this. If I could turn selling online into a living, I'd be so happy. I mean, I totally get a kick out of shopping and then wrapping all this stuff up and shipping it out. It's like buying presents for people, except I get paid for it! My goal for this month is to try to see if I can make another $300. Though I'd be happy if I managed to make any profit.

 

What else...

I'm moving in less than 4 months!!!!!!!!!

It's starting to feel real. Everyone keeps asking me when I'm leaving and it's reached the point where if I changed my mind, I'd feel like a total idiot. I wonder what I should be doing to prepare? I mean, it seems too early to start packing and I've already gotten rid of the things I don't want. Well...I suppose I could go through my stuff again. I think it's a bit too early to ask about transferring too.

 

Oh, but I probably should figure out the location thing.

If "B" hasn't left for his trip yet, I think I should ask him what he did to prepare for his move.

 

How exciting! I'm moving!

[Weeblie]

I wonder if that is something that can be prevented or overcome? Since my parents are out of town, I've been living alone with my sister. Now, I see their frustration with her. She just can't stop buying things!

 

There's three bags of lettuce in the fridge that she bought weeks ago and never used. Yesterday she bought another bag of lettuce, cause she said she needed it for lunch and the other lettuce had gone bad. Well she's left for work and all 4 bags of lettuce are still unopened. Only one bag was visibly gross, so I threw that out. I moved all the other bags around so that she wouldn't be able to identify the new one if she ever decides to actually use the lettuce.

 

And it's not just food that she does this with, if someone invents a new beauty product she buys it. If there's a new fashion trend she buys it. She doesn't even sleep in her room anymore because it is cluttered with stuff. Actually, her room looks just like those houses you see on that show "Hoarders".

 

There's actually another part of the house that's being used as storage for my parents. They have things that they're boxing up and donating to people in another country. My sister managed to dump some of her stuff in there too. Well...one day I tried to organize that stuff and made a little box of stuff for her to sort through and throw out...you know, old notebooks from college filled with test papers and essays, stuff with her social security number on it, stuff that were over 5 years old but still needed to be disposed of properly.

 

She flipped out! She was yelling at me, slamming doors and making a huge deal out of something that took her less than 5 minutes to get rid of.

 

I felt somewhat bad about that since who am I to tell her what to do? But at the same time...

My parents want to sell this place and they've asked me to do some redecorating while they're gone. I can't do that if her mess starts to expand out of her room.

 

Meh.

 

You know what? Screw it. Why am I worried about what she thinks? She doesn't pay rent. Never even made payments on the car that she swore that she would pay for and yet she's always eating out and pampering herself. Oh and overdrafting every stinking day. She just needs to suck it up.

[Weeblie]

So everyday from around 8am till around 5pm, credit card companies call for my sister to talk to her about who knows what. Literally, we get at least one call every other hour. I've written down the numbers, I've reminded her countless times to call them and deal with the situation and she does absolutely nothing. In the rare chance that she accidentally picks up the phone and gets a call from one of them...she pretends she's not there. So today when the phone rang at 8:01 am, I requested that they take the house number off their calling list and gave them her cell phone number.

 

Of course she thought that was rude of me and said that I have this problem where I enjoy "teaching people a lesson". Uh...no. I wasn't trying to teach her a lesson. I had a problem and I dealt with it. The fact that I enjoyed it, is just an added benefit.

[Weeblie]

Perhaps I am enjoying this a little too much?

 

My sister threw another fit when I placed the trash she created in the kitchen (that I had been asking her for about 3 weeks to clean up) on top of her stuff. Amazingly she was able to clean it up in under 3 minutes and that's including the time she spent dramatically slamming doors and screaming at me. (She says I'm trying to rule the house and that I'm being a dictator and that my parents would not approve of the changes I've made.)

 

Perhaps her problem isn't so much that she's a hoarder, but that she still has the mentality of a two-year old? It's like trying to enforce a time-out for the first time. Put the kid in the corner, kid runs away. Put the kid back in the corner, kid tries to run away again. Stop them. Put them back into the corner until they understand that you're going to make them endure the time out.

 

This sort of bothers me. I mean, she's 26! She's an adult!

 

Oh well. There might be another way of dealing with this situation. I'm not sure what though. Patience takes too long. Talking only yields a momentary change in behavior.

 

Hmm...I wonder why she acts this way?

[Weeblie]

3-piece layering at all times.

 

What in the world does that mean? Cami, shirt, jacket? Shirt, sweater and blazer? It's spring! We're already putting out the summer line. Why in the world would the dress code involve wearing more clothing than we would've in winter?

 

It's these sort of ridiculous rules they invent that drive me nuts. I guess I should be glad that they're not asking us to wear those hideous maxi dress mumus again.

[Weeblie]

- Sold another item on ebay today even though it's only been up for a day and made a little over $5 in profit. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this.

- Went to work and got a prime parking spot. The first opening closest to the entrance!

- Went to Starbucks for a coffee and some coffee cake. The girl gave me the cake for free. She also said my name was cute and I have this unexplainable feeling that she might be attracted to me. I have to smile at that, because if she was a dude, she'd totally be my type. Tall, lanky, dark hair, gorgeous eyes.

 

What's got me feeling all warm and fuzzy right now, is that a former friend of mine who I haven't spoken to since he moved (and it's my fault that we lost contact), "liked" a link I had posted on Facebook. Yes, it's silly and probably meaningless since this is Facebook and he's got nearly a thousand friends. But I liked knowing that he enjoyed the same thing I did and I got a kick out of imagining him chuckling over the silly images.

[Weeblie]

Nearly walked out of work last night. I was so mad! Fuming, punch the wall, kind of mad...and over something petty and stupid! I was completely aware that I was overreacting. I knew that I was being irrational, but it was such a struggle to stifle that anger. It bothers me to think what would've happened if I had actually given into that emotional tantrum and just quit my job. Especially since I just revised my moving plan so that I move on May 1st instead of some random time in June.

 

I'm not sure what's the cause for this anger. Is it solely PMS? Am I sabotaging my efforts to move because I'm afraid of moving? Do I really need to quit this job because deep down inside I know it's time to leave? Is it just a combination of everything? I have no clue!!!

 

What I do know is that it seems like everyone that I've started at this company with, has moved onto other things. Last year, from that original crew, all that was left was just "B", Ben and me. Well, Ben got a promotion and was transferred to another location. "B" is interviewing for another location/promotion and from the looks of things, there's a good chance he'll be gone by Monday. The only person left is me.

 

Maybe I'm pissed off because it seems like everyone is going through these major changes and I'm not? I can't really be mad though because if anyone needed change desperately it was "B" and Ben. They've been stagnating there for over 10 years! I haven't been around nearly as long as they have.

 

I guess I just wish I could up and leave now. The plan is work 7 more weeks (request a transfer also), spend a week helping the family with some home improvements and then leave. But in my mind, it still feels like I'm stuck here forever. Moving seems so far away.

 

Alright, so what's a possible solution to this moving envy?

Start preparing to move myself. That'll probably help make this move feel more real. It could also help with the anger, since I'll be too focused on that to care about what's going on at work.

 

Yup, I think that's what I'll do.

[Weeblie]

So yesterday, I bought a giant red suitcase and packed all my winter stuff. My sister joked that I could probably fit my entire wardrobe in there. I think she may be right though, even with the thick winter coats folded in there, there's still a lot of room left over. Also, I really don't have that much clothing.

 

Later in the day, I got a call from work asking me to come in, so I did and I enjoyed it!

 

I think buying the suitcase and packing it, sort of helped to adjust my feelings towards work. Though, the move still doesn't feel real yet. I guess that's because there's still some planning that needs to be done, such as picking a specific location. Mapping out the drive, figuring out where I'm going to stay along the way, if there'll be any detours...all that fun stuff.

 

I guess that'll be the next thing I'll start working on.

[Weeblie]

Last night, they asked me if I could stay late and help them close. I said no.

 

Oops?

 

I think by that point my cost benefit analysis said that an extra hour of pay just wasn't worth the strain on myself or the fact that I'd have to take a half hour break and buy a meal (didn't bring one), so whatever extra I earned would've been wasted on the meal.

 

Yeah. Besides, picked up an extra shift for next week already.

 

Anyway, I've got a rather open schedule this week, so I'm thinking this might just be the time to start painting the house interiors. My aunt called over the weekend and said that my parents have already started construction on their house, so I want this house to be ready for sale when they come back.

 

Wow.

It's weird, but I feel like everything is sort of shifting into place. First everyone at work is being transferred (which is motivation for me to get the heck out of there since I for sure don't want to be the last one still there), then my parents are finally starting construction on this house (it's taken them nearly 3 years to get to this point!!!) and now I've got family living close to where I want to go (she's moving sometime in April).

 

It's like this move is exactly what's supposed to happen.

Ahhh! I'm excited!!!!