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Holy Guacamole! I just saw a picture of my house, with my car in the driveway!!! I feel vaguely violated. I'm also concerned how frequently those images are updated.


I'd hate to think that someone could catch a glimpse of me checking my mailbox in my pjs.



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So there's this guy I work with. He's the most obnoxious extrovert I have ever met in my ENTIRE life. I mean I've hung around kids with extreme ADD that refused to take their medication and were still more appealing (and more fun) to be around than this guy I work with.


This kid reeks of insecurity, but not the easy to deal with pity-me-I'm-so-unlovable kind. He's the kind that needs to puff themselves up with ridiculously vain comments, which isn't so bad because whatever. If you need to lie to yourself to feel good, um ok. Whatever gets you through the day. But that isn't enough for him, nooooo. He has to put you down and make you feel like you're an idiot or you're ugly or you're incapable of making your own choices. Day after day I always hear some sort of controlling negative put down from him and it's just getting old.


Like today. I saw this gorgeous jacket that was vaguely similar to one that I had wanted to buy back in 2003 (yes, I have a list of key items I hope to one day own). They didn't have the color I wanted, but I could always order it later. So I went off to the side, grabbed the first one I could find in my size and tried it on. Then grand douche baggy-o comes along and says to me, "Not that color".


Excuse me? Did I ask for his opinion? And considering the fact that I'm rather educated in this area, what makes him think that he's offering me any kind of useful information? I can wear almost any color I want (cept for pale pinks) and this color certainly wasn't bad on me. Ugh!


That little stupid comment from him, was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. I turned around and with as much hatred I could muster, I told him to "Bite Me".


Apparently it was very effective because I scared his buddy (another one who likes to say unnecessarily nasty things to people), who proceeded to ask me if I needed a "moment". My manager on the other hand, went and had a little talk to him. Afterwards my manger pulled me to the side and gave me a high five. Amazingly enough (yeah I'm being sarcastic), I wasn't the only employee he's offended.


Anyway, I am a little on edge because he's behaving like a five year old now and saying that I'm causing him trouble. Mind you, I'm nowhere near him ever and considering all the other drama in my life...he's like # 21315645648979 on my list of things to think about. Though, the fact that I pissed him off bumps him up on my top 10 happy thoughts to think about today.


I can't deny how much I enjoy being a blunt jerk at the right moment.

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Um. Yeah some people are freaking amazing. And by amazing I mean utterly stupid and socially clueless.


And I must be even stupider for even thinking that these people were competent and amazing. What the heck?


Ugh. Screw this. Screw all this.

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So throughout all this talking and debating, one question has not been directly asked, nor directly answered:


Do you care about me?


We've argued over the impossibilities and the possibilities. We've unearthed new issues, resurrected old issues and the only thing we agree on, is that we disagree. His stance a logical one, mine an emotional one. He believes it's not practical, that he has enough information to say this can never work. I believe that whatever is wrong can be overcome and even if it still doesn't work out, so what? I'm about the ride, he's about the destination. Never had I realized how opposite we can be.


It's obvious how I feel. I won't leave him alone about it. It's unclear how he feels though. He's committed to something, I don't know what, because every time I've given him an opening to leave, he doesn't take it. Instead, he turns it around and makes it clear that it's my choice to be friends or not, because he will stick around if I want him to.


Maybe that's all it is? All he wants is a friendship? Perhaps, he's still around because I was around when things sucked for him?


Something in my gut screams that he's just looking for excuses. That he's allowing logic to overrule what he wants. But maybe that isn't my gut talking? Maybe that's just my heart wanting him to feel the same way?


Ugh. Why is everything else clear to me but this?

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  • 2 weeks later...
I can survive as a single woman in this world I have all the resources I need to support myself but nothing means anything if it comes without pillow talk.


Ok, so I'm not really self-reliant right now...but I'm getting there. I know that I can survive on my own and I have done it before. It feels good to do things by myself and I'm rather proud of the little milestones I've passed. But you know what? It totally sucks to be single.


I miss having someone to talk to regularly. I miss being able to share random little unimportant things with someone that appreciates them. I miss the physical stuff. I miss having the comfort that comes from the knowledge that there's someone who really wants to spend time with me even though I'm not being such a pleasant person.

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Words of wisdom from Randy Pausch:

When you're screwing up and nobody's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up.


Brick walls are there for a reason. They're there to keep out everyone who doesn't want it badly enough


There's a youtube video of his last lecture and it's full of little bits of awesomeness about living. But I'm quoting these two because they sort of play off each other and give me a headache.


Couldn't screwing up be viewed as a brick wall? Don't people screw things up in order to keep others at a distance? I can think of people who putz around with my emotions and because I think they're worthwhile people, I do my best to get around the nonsense. I try to be understanding, try to see where they're coming from, but it just doesn't seem to make a difference. Is it wrong for me to give up on these people?


That whole brick wall quote seems to imply that if you want something bad enough, a brick wall wouldn't stop you. But maybe some walls aren't meant to be climbed over/stepped around/busted through. Maybe despite you wanting it badly enough, it's time to stop bashing your head into a bloody pulp and focus on something/one else?


And that's where the first quote comes back in again. It sort of implies that the other person wasn't at fault for giving up. The word screwing seems to suggest that the person they gave up on wasn't taking things seriously...they were fooling around, wasting the other person's time. It seems that the person screwing up is the one who needs to check themselves and reevaluate what they're doing.


Anyway. Today's a special day for me and someone who has a few reasons to remember this day, hasn't. And maybe I've been disagreeable lately. Perhaps, I've said something offensive. I don't really know what could be wrong since I haven't said anything I wouldn't say to any of my good friends to their face. Actually nothing I've said compares to the way this person has hurt me before, but that has never stopped me from wishing them well on a day that meant something to them. And I'm hurt and I'm oh so freaking tired of doing this ---> ](*,)


And I think that perhaps it wouldn't be wrong or selfish or unkind or even a sign of me not caring/wanting enough if I was to say that I give up on this person.

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Geez louise, that guy had lots of good words. One last quote:


Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you. When you're pissed off at somebody and annoyed or angry with them, you just haven't given them enough time.


Perhaps instead of giving up entirely...I should just chill out and see what happens? Sigh. That tiny little optimist inside of me just won't die.

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I hung out with an old friend, met a new friend and visited God.


I've developed a bit of a girl crush on this new girl. She's the exact opposite of pretentious, she's laid back, she's warm, friendly and she smokes. She's wicked intelligent too. She spoke about existentialism and recommended a book that presented it in a positive way, which I think is fascinating because I find that stuff so haunting and depressing. (I've read the Awakening 20 times and it still leaves me with this horrible empty feeling, but yet I still find myself relating eerily to the main character.) This girl loves New York. She loves literature too, but not creating it, deconstructing it. Which is just great because I find that interesting too. And she was just all kinds of awesomeness. Concerned about the environment, frugal and interested in yoga. Sigh. I wish I had studied english or writing in college, anything instead of art. I think I would've fit in better there. (at least my grammar would've improved.)


And the thing that was just so amazing about this girl was that she was so welcoming despite the fact that she was going through some pretty horrible stuff. It's so rare to meet people who are able to be kind despite their own personal crisis. I wish I knew more people like that. I wish I knew more people who would talk about things other than...I don't know. Getting drunk and doing something stupid.

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  • 4 weeks later...

One step forward, three steps back and one to the side.


I've been debating this for weeks. Should I wait it out at my job just a little longer? Wait till after I go on the supposedly "career advancing" trip to make a decision about where to go? Or should I just up and leave?


I have a place to stay up north. It'll be a change of scenery, liberating and refreshing. I'll get to enjoy snow when winter hits and I'll get to enjoy frizz free hair. I could transfer stores, but most likely the hours will suck and I'll still have to find a second job. But...it wouldn't be awful to do that. At least it'd be a change, it'd generate momentum.


But then would it be foolish to just blow off a possible opportunity? Is it even an opportunity? I kind of wonder if they just arranged this trip to pacify me for the time being. Keep me from looking elsewhere. I haven't seen any other signs of them helping me move forward even though I continually ask.


Ugh. I feel like I've stagnated. That every minute here is just draining away energy that I need to move forward. I don't even know what direction I'm supposed to be headed in anymore. My mind is all jumbled up.


It's like, I know what I want to do, I just don't know how to do it. Well I sort of know how to do it, but I don't seem to have the resources to do it. But then it's like...I've been trying to have the resources for how many years? Why don't I just up and leave? Why keep waiting if things aren't really changing? I'm going to have the same problems wherever I go, why not just deal with them somewhere that I actually like?


Blah. I've started throwing stuff out and packing things. Whenever I do decide to leave, I want to be able to fit everything in my car.

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So I talked to a higher up manager person. She said that right now there's not much she can do for me until after February...since that's when the new fiscal year starts. She said that if I can hold out till January she'd be able to transfer me to a different store. The hours thing might still suck, but not as bad. Plus I'd get more experience and exposure.


I don't know what to think. On one hand, this is freaking awesome. Someone is looking out for me. Plus I can go somewhere where I would be able to do what I was hired to do in the first place, instead of all other kinds of garbage. On the other hand it's like...I don't know if I can hold out till January. Plus the process of moving up is so convoluted, I don't know if I have the patience to go through all that. I mean, I know I have the experience and knowledge on how to do the job, why does there need to be so much schmoozing? I mean what she described sounded like a year long process!


Wouldn't it just be better for me to go somewhere else?

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  • 2 weeks later...

When I was a freshman in high school, I took a typing class. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, but a secretary seemed like a respectable type of job. Besides, knowing how to type would help out with those scary research papers my teachers were warning me about...especially since at that time I didn't have a PC, I had an old fashioned typewriter.


Anyway, because of that class I ended up joining this vocational program and got myself a scholarship that pretty much ended up paying for college and giving me extra spending cash too. It was one of those moments that I look back on and think...wow. I was real mature and put together back then.


I don't feel like that person right now. Back then the path was black and white, the payoff obvious and the wait endurable. Now...jafl;salkajfdsl;!!!!


Do I endure another five months of unsatisfying work in the hopes that a promotion might exist? Do I just up and leave, throw away a year's worth of work and then start all over again somewhere else? If I do that, do I aim for a place out of state? Because I can't take living here anymore. It was a nice idea, but we're all driving each other insane and I think it would be better for everyone if I left.




I know what my gut is telling me to do, I just don't think my mind agrees yet.

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So bad weather has been plaguing me for almost a week now. Throw in some PMS and I've gone insane. Weee!


I've applied for 10 different jobs this week. Some I'm overqualified for and some I'm nowhere near qualified for...but I'm hoping that if I can land an interview, I can charm my way into a job.




The best part...only three of those jobs are situated in this state. I feel like a complete idiot doing this, but I don't know. It's better than just whining about things. And who knows? Maybe someone will actually consider me.


Anyway, I've done some more packing/throwing stuff out today. It's a nice feeling to get rid of useless stuff. It's also kind of surprising to realize that I need more professional wear. All of my old suiting stuff is 2-3 sizes too big and just plain tired looking. Oh well. I'll buy a suit when I land my first interview.

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Ok. I'm mad, frustrated, overwhelmed, sad and scared. It's a lot of emotions to process and I don't think I'm handling it too well.


I'm scared because I finally figured out what I'd like to do for a living, but can't seem to make enough money to actually live doing it. I'm also scared because the longer I stay at this job, the less able I am to help my parents out. I'm also scared because my parents aren't doing so well. My dad just lost the sight in his left eye. His hearing seems to be going bad and walking seems real painful for him. He's far too macho to use a cane for support and...

I don't know. The thought that he might not be around scares the heck out of me.


And I'm overwhelmed because I just can't seem to do anything. I've been trying to find a second job, a new job, any stinking kind of job, but it's always the same. Nothing. And then things at work just seem to get worse and worse. They keep saying it'd get better, but it hasn't. They say wait a little longer and I waited, but nothing.


The frustration and sadness I think are all tied in with just how helpless I feel. Even making plans doesn't seem to help anymore. I just don't know where to look anymore. I don't know what to do. I want to scream at my bosses and say, Look! I'm killing myself for you, why do you keep screwing me over???


I also think it's tied into the lack of people I have to talk to right now. I was venting to a co-worker today and I think for an hour, I felt slightly better. But now that it's me alone with my problems again, I just don't know how to deal. I don't know what to focus on. I don't know what is that one little thing that I can correct, that will slowly resolve everything else.


It's frustrating because it always seems that when I need a friend, they don't seem to be around. Heck, even my penpal has disappeared off the face of the planet. Not that I could ever talk to him about this stuff. I don't know if he could relate. His life always seems so perfect.


And I just thought of another emotion. Disappointment. Because why do I call these people friends when they're only around during the good times? Am I expecting too much from them? I don't think so. I just wish they wouldn't be so flakey.


And I'm mad. I'm so mad because all of this would seem more bearable if I was making more money. If I had been smarter, I would've gone to school and become a pharmacist. Maybe a dental hygienist. It wouldn't be thrilling work, but at least I could take care of my parents. I could take care of myself. I could feel secure.


Noooo. I had to go the creative path. Ugh. I was such an idiot. But I guess this is like crying over spilt milk. How was I supposed to know back then? What good will it do me now?


Anyway, now that's all out of the way...

So my current job blows. I've been disgruntled ever since I started working there. Yeah I have work that I'm proud of and had moments of happiness and accomplishment, but it sucks. It'll be a year as of December and nothing has really changed since then. It's time to let it go even if that means I'll have to work at a grocery store.


As for my parents, well. I already came to this conclusion, but I need to take care of this monetary situation first. If I can land something more stable, then I can help them out. Until then, I need to find little ways to help out.


So really the tiny thing I must focus and try to correct is my working situation.


AGH! But what about the living situation?


I mean isn't THE goal to get the heck out of here? Wouldn't it be better to transfer stores and move up North for a pit stop? The work situation has to be better up there and even then, the chance for finding a different job is the same as over here.


Only problem is that the transfer could be awkward since I'd be leaving before that stupid "special" trip. I could possibly be shooting myself in the foot, by bailing out on an "opportunity" like that. Blah, but it isn't an opportunity. I should move. I mean it's free housing for as long as I need. I can send my parents extra cash which is really what they need and my other sister who's with them can make sure anything else they need is taken care of.


Ugh. But shouldn't I be here with them?


Blah. I need a drink.

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So I still haven't had that drink. Probably won't.

I feel a lot more apathetic about things. I don't know if that's a good thing, but it's allowing me to question everything in an objective manner (well as close to objective as I can get). I've figured out the whole moving plan, what I need to do, who I need to talk to, excuses for leaving so suddenly and now I just need to decide if I want to really go through with it. I'm not sure what I think about it anymore.


Part of me thinks it's kind of nuts. If I were to be practical, I'd save up a whole lot more money and move somewhere with a moderate climate. I'd wait to move during the spring instead of the fall. I'd suck it up at my job for another six months and wait around if there's a tiny chance for a promotion so that I could take that bonus with me when I leave, all the while looking for other options just in case.


Then the other part of me thinks it nuts to stay here. There's nothing here for me. I mean what do I have going for me? A job that I hate. An hour drive North or South in order to go somewhere fun. A social life that hasn't changed much since my college days. And a home life that gets increasingly suffocating each day. And yeah all of that could be changed while I'm here, but I don't want to live here.



Had an ok weekend. Yesterday at work wasn't too bad either. Though, my manager is so weird. She was telling me all about this woman who has a job that would be so perfect for me. Except the woman isn't hiring. I mean she's right, I'd love a job like that, but isn't that something you tell a friend and not an employee? Why talk about how fabulous the woman's job is, when you can't offer me something like that?


It's kind of depressing really. I actually applied for a job like that sometime last week. It was a position over in GA so I doubt I'll hear back from them. Though, I wonder if they called my manager to get more information on me? Nah. I always thought those checks came after an interview. Not before.


Oh well.

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Well I've made up my mind about moving...I'm going for it.


Now I need to pick a date. Do I leave before the trip or do I leave after? It almost seems kind of stupid to leave a few days before the trip. But if I were to leave earlier than that, it seems a little too soon. I don't know if I could be ready that quickly. There's a lot I would like to accomplish in that amount of time, would it even be possible?


It would make more sense to wait after the trip. It would give me more time to get things done. Though...to be honest, things have been so slow lately, I don't think one hectic week of packing and cleaning would kill me. If I plan things properly, I could probably even manage to get some repainting accomplished too. Of course, then there's the whole money issue. Can I afford this? Waiting an extra two weeks, would definitely allow me to save up enough money. Hmm...


Aww heck. I know what I want to do. I just need to talk this over with one more person and I think I'll have this all figured out.

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So moving earlier isn't going to happen. It turns out that there's something that's going to keep me here till the end of the month, so I might as well stick around for the trip.


In a sense I'm glad that I didn't have to make that decision, but it kind of throws me off. It's got me rethinking everything. Like, why was I moving again? Do I still want to move? Is it a good idea to move? Will I still have the same job opportunities there? Is this some weird sign from God? Like does this mean that the trip might actually have the potential to amount to something? Could I possibly find what I'm looking for?


Blah. I need some asprin.

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For that drink already.



So I've finally gotten in touch with that one person I've been wanting to talk to for forever. Yeah, I don't really have to make any rush big decisions, but I still want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing. He usually has great advice. And lately, my job has been trying to bribe it's way back into my heart and me, being the eternal optimist is starting to fall for it's crap. Plus, throw in a couple of rejected applications and I'm feeling a bit shaky. I kind of feel like there's nothing out there...


I ended up talking to a co-worker who's in a similar situation this morning. She says that I'm selling myself short and that I should keep trying. It was nice to hear someone real positive like that, since everyone I know keeps giving me the realistic view of the situation. It's kind of frustrating because I can't help, but interpret it as negativity, which I know it isn't.


Oh well. I hope tonight will clear some things up.

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Am I one of those people? You know, those people that always have a grey cloud looming over them and seem to suck all the joy out of you because they're so miserable? Am I one of those people I've made it a point to avoid?


Lately, I've started to notice a pattern in the way I think. I devise plans...lots of them and then never truly follow through with them. I talk and talk to people about it. I get opinions and blah blah blah. But I never seem to get truly useful information. It's like, I'm asking all the wrong questions. I keep asking, should I? When really I should be asking, how? Who cares what someone else thinks I should do. I mean everyone I've asked about this all have these fears about change. So when they give me their opinion, they're sharing their own fears and I'm making their fears mine. It's weird. I think I keep doing this because I want to scare myself. Like I want to use being practical as a disguise for being scared of making a huge and necessary change.


So then this cycle develops...

Get frustrated ---> Plan a way out ---> Get opinions ---> Get scared ---> Give up ---> Repeat


How pointless is all of that?


Anyway, going out last night didn't clear up anything for me. It just made it even more confusing. My friend was like...skip the stop up North. Save up and move to where you really want to move! ](*,) So, um yeah. Apparently this really is something I need to figure out on my own. I just wish I knew what the heck it is I want to do. I mean I have a vague fantasy of what I'd like to do...


I'd like to move to San Francisco. I've never been there, but everything I've seen and heard about it seems so nice. I'd want to live on one of those hills, somewhere real scenic, maybe close to a trolley even. My friend used to live in that city and she just seemed to blossom when she was there and it kind of reminds me of Amsterdam. Perhaps it isn't like that at all, but I know I want to live somewhere urban, but still pretty. (Moderate climate too!) Then I'd like to have a visual job. Maybe one at Ralph Lauren. A job where I'm not only styling outfits and creating arrangements, but creating a set for windows. It'd be a great hands on type of job and still have lots of room for creativity. Then in my free time, I'd volunteer for habitat for humanity. I don't know why, but I think that'd just be so freaking awesome to do. I'd take some dancing classes again too. I'd really want to get involved in more physical activities because I feel like I'm always inside my head. I also don't really feel as alive as when I'm pushing myself physically.


Anyway. So I guess I do know what I want. I just don't know how to get it. Oh well, going out again tonight. This time it's a sports event. There'll be beer and some yelling. Yay!

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So I'm really hurting today. For the past month, I've had this annoying pain in my right neck/shoulder. I've been told that is usually a symptom of stress and that I probably tense up on that side a lot. I've noticed that I've had this pain a lot whenever I was stressed at school, so I guess it makes sense. Well, this morning I woke up with pain on both sides. Does that mean my stress has doubled?


Anyway, on Monday I got some bad news. The company I work for isn't doing so well, so they cut everyone's hours. My hours for the week were cut in half. This pisses me off for many reasons, but mostly because:


- People with less experience and value than me have 2x more hours than me.

- They wouldn't have to cut hours if the company didn't waste so much on other stupid things.

- My manager was telling me the other day that she's been trying to get me more hours.


It's clear that I need to quit. It just sucks because...well. I'm scared. I'm tired of the job search and the rejection. I'm afraid of having to take a cut in pay and I'm afraid of working somewhere real lame. I'm not the only one who's been looking for another job either...and so far we're all rather discouraged by what's out there. It's depressing.


Oh well. Suck it up!

I've got a full tank of gas, so I'll just drive around and pick up applications. It's only temporary, right? It's better to be secure, right? It can't hurt to try?


I think I need some more coffee.

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