A Journal

[A World Away]

Today was another day of what life for her has become. She's so wrapped up in repetitive complexes that she no longer takes time to truly consider the feelings of others. Yet she tries to cover this with the obsessive motion of continously asking questions such as 'How are you?' or 'Would you like a drink?' Yet if you were to give the answer implying something was wrong or you did in fact want a drink, you'd be met with frustration as though the answer had caused her a major inconvinience. For my thoughts have come to a way of thinking that perhaps the life she is living is based just upon herself- and if actions and situations around her do not fit, then it's time for her to make her feeling known. She does not hold back from this. I believe there is more to it than that though. More over, her life appears built upon insecurities and aqquired selfishness that she has yet to realise she owns. Though my thoughts are that the day she realises what she is truly like will never actually arise.

Todays events arose the confirmation of my ever rising doubt in the matter. She and he began an argument over something so very small and petty. Not even a young child would be as bothered. Neither would leave the argument to rest, but she would not let go even after it appeared that it was over. I was not inclined to stay as the disagreed intentions grew bigger and bigger. thereforee I left the room. Even an hour later, there was still no settlement. Eventually, she stormed up to their room and shut herself away. Things were not going as she wanted. No matter whether she was right or wrong, she had begun to realise that he neither was going to settle for injustice. She realised that perhaps she wasn't going to win. She can't face up to that, and consequently is still in their room. However, I know that when she comes out, nothing will have been forgotten from her point of view. For this is not the first time this kind of thing has happened. It is mearly one of the many. In hanging on to the initial episode, she has not proved the strength of her character, she has proved the whole ordeal to be really quite immature.

In the midst of all the happenings, she still has the time to try and get me to side with her. This is something I will never do. From a point of view of that I can see both what he thinks as well as what she thinks, I feel ashamed to be part of it at all. If she could see the behaviour from the outside, I'd hope for her too to feel the shame. But the thing is, I've come to realise she only seems to ever have one agenda. If she were to ever realise , it would go against her perfect world. The reality is that that does not exist. She can't face up to that.

[A World Away]

Here in this trance like state it would feel to some like the world will never stop spinning. That life could be lived in the same way day in day out if some wholesome figure would let them live for that long. The facts are that no body will live for ever, and there will come a day when the world will stop spinning. Facts for some are impossible to understand. Today I was wondering whether I’d ever actually come accross anyone with this particular viewpoint, when it dawned on me that I had already met this person. It was her.

Here I was dwelling over what had been said, what I had heard. She did not care whose lives were effected in order for her to carry on living. Even when it was clearly apparent that in order to live nothing had needed to be said. There was no question that she might not live. For it is all in her mind. In her belief, if she can create the perfect world that she so dreams of, then her life will never end, as a fairytale cannot be broken once it has a happy ending. If one life never ends, the world the life is living on must thereforee commit to that life, living on also. What she fails to realise is that in living an aim towards that world so perfect, she is destroying the lives of so many others. For her aim to be so self centred, destroys the dreams of those she claims to love. It is a wonder she is still trying, as those she has hurt could have easily have abandoned her by now. But her power is so intensifying in a frightening matter, that no one dares make that first move.

There have been bruises. There have been cuts. There have been broken bones. But all amounts to nothing when she smiles with that malicious contentment. Any sign she is happy gives you relief, as you realise it could be a rarity. A smile on her face represents safety. Nothing else will matter as long as we help to make her world perfect.

[Brittanyxvx]

You write very well,

However I'm a bit lost

as to where you stand

in this scenario.

[A World Away]

Thanks- but yeh, I do write very vague.

Big fault of mine!

[A World Away]

It was never realised with each new appearance. She looked but she didn’t see. I wanted to find a way of communication ideal for the situation, though apparently from the outside I looked like a closed book. How am I to have control over that if I’m not even aware. So I set about the quest of my new animated self. It just didn’t seem that easy. Any other presense and there is no problem whatsoever.

Here she came, through the door. My huge falsely excitable welcome. I didn’t let her surprise lose me. Perhaps I was hoping that a change in myself might provoke a change in her. Maybe I’ll try again sometime, just make it more natural. Here we were; I took her coat, asked her if she had a good day. She hadn’t. I go and get coffee. She’s feeling better, but back to the facts, she’d had a bad day. I was taking a dive by asking her to explain how come, and knew I’d be in it for the next half hour. Bearable, I told myself. I was wrong to ever presume that conclusion. The only resultant of talking had made her want it every single day. On hearing her troubles, I tried to imagine they must be big to her, but I couldn’t prevent the thought entering my mind of how good she had it. A tear is bought to my eye when I think of those who smile so big. Who would guess their lives beyond. I tried to explain this to her once, which clearly happened to be an idea of wrong. A realisation occurred shortly afterwards. If we could keep everything about her, we could all be happier. He might come home from work earlier, she might enjoy it, and the other would be able to look forward to things that should be looked forward to. If it were a possibility, how has it never once been tried before. Maybe my knowledge proves me wrong. But there’s nothing stopping an attempt.

[A World Away]

Everything I do is such a failure. I wish for once I could make everyone proud, show them I'm capable of better than I am. All my efforts go to waste, it's there on black and white. I am simply useless. I think what disheartens me the most is that I know I try so damn hard. Yet still, I can't do any thing of a standard that is even acceptable within my mind. People get disillusioned, and feel definate that I'm a different person to who I truly am. So many expectations and I just can't meet them. Yet no one listens to me when I tell them this! They think I'm being silly. Just being unconfident. It's true, I am unconfident. But that's because I'm not capable of the things they think I am. I'm the source of my unconfidence, and perhaps if I were to be more confident it would play a key in how well I did. But let's face it, no matter what happens, everything goes so very wrong. I can't even bear to think now of the glimmer of hope I had to begin with. What's the point in hope when the outcome is always the same.

 

It's now a few hours later, and having vented things are settling in my mind more. I just have one huge thing to sort out now.