I feel like I could just die!!!

[lostnva]

So my fiance and live in boyfriend of 4 years left me 2 weeks ago. Out of the blue. He said he wasnt happy, and he was very confused. He has been drinking and smoking pot ALOT...he use to only smoke every now and then. Now its basically first thing in the morning and on his lunch break, in the car on the way home..along with a beer that he stops and gets right after work! Plus the 6-8 he drinks when he gets home. He is very depressed and hates his job. His mother died a year ago, and then his grandmother 6 months later. He was an only child and has no real family left. His dad and him are not close. He just recently got overnight visitation with his 2 daughters. He says he loves me. But he has completely shut me out. He doesnt call, text email or return my calls or text. We were together everyday...very close, this is so not like him. He only took some clothes, and still has all of his stuff here. We have our wedding rings! When I ask him if he was coming home he said doesnt know. He says he doesnt have any anwsers and doesnt want to hurt me. He is an emotional wreck. He saw a drug therapist last week who reffered him to a Pysh. So he says he has an appointment with ths week. I really scared he is not going get help, and mask the pain with drugs and beer, and ruin us for good. I love him so much. I am so sick, I have lost 12lbs in 2 weeks. I cant eat, sleep or think straight. I am a teacher and on summer break..so I just sit here all day. We have 2 puppy kids that were our life. They sense something is not right...thank god I have them to sleep with! I dont know what to do. I bought this 4 bedroom house with a pool and garage for him...and our girls. And now he has walked out on all I have worked hard for. Everything is in my name, but its alot to keep up with. The dogs are a huge responibility. Cutting the grass, cleanng the pool, and the house...I havent even been to the grocery store since he left. That was his job...(he said I spent to much). I dont know how Im going to do this if he decides to moe out. Any imput?

[thejigsup]

Please stop focusing on your pain and think about what he is going through right now. He has lost everyone closely related to him in a short period of time. Now, I usually don't condone drinking or drug use, but cut this guy a break! Could it be that it is your neediness that drove him away? Get a grip, tell him you will give him however long he needs to recover from these blows and that marriage can wait. Tell him you understand and feel for him. I am willing to make a bet that is just what he needs from you right now and that when the smoke clears, he will realize you have the stuff in you that makes a marriage last a lifetime.

[Snoopy24]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Towards the end of your post though, you seem to be more concerned about taking everything over yourself, then you are well being of your boyfriend.

 

I hate to say this but it sounds like he may be suicidal. I think you need to get him help as soon as possible.

 

You said he doesn't have much family left, ..does he have any, or close friends, you could have an intervention with?

 

If not, try doing it yourself with a therapist, and discuss his drug/alcohol addiction.

 

Not to attack him in anyway, but to show him you love him and you want him to get help.

[lostnva]

I am seeing a therapist, and starting taking lexapro...it has helped me some. She made me understand that he is not thinking clearly and not making rational choices. He is going to see a doc this week. I know it seems like I am being selfish...it just hurts that we have been through so much and he is not allowing me to help him get through this. His mother died one day after we got our house and so his grandmother had to come live with us. I took care of her, even quit work to be home with her when she became ill. Because of the new house Mike stayed very busy, and never greived over his loss. I think everything has hit him at one time. He does hae a sister in another state, and I think I will send her an email. I just feel so alone....and maybe I am being selfish, but this is the worst pain I ever felt in my life!

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I am sorry this is happening to you.

 

I can understand he is hurting and grieving but what he is doing is very dangerous behavior and I would be very worried about him too.

 

You say he has agreed to see a psychiatrist so that is a good sign and a start, but I think you need to focus on that right now and not the relationship, as hard as it is.

 

If I were you I would let him know that you are there to support him, but that he needs to address this destructive behavior and learn some positive coping mechanisms before you can talk about the relationship- since this is clearly not a man who is ready for marriage at this point.

 

Good luck!

[chocolates]

I lost both my parents within a short space of time. For several months after I felt like I could lose other people "just like that". I became clingy to ppl. What he is doing is the opposite, he is pushing you away. But it is still a reaction to loss.

 

Now some of my friends didnt see me thru this clingy time.

 

You have the chance to do the right thing by him.

 

The fact that you have to clean the pool ra ra ra has nothing to do with what this post should be about.

 

I mean I own a 3 bedroom house with a large yard - and im single - and i look after it all on my own. Im sure you will cope with it. It might even be a good lesson for you in independence. I mean someday you might find yourself single anyway.

 

I think that you need to forget about your own feelings, and just be a support to him. Tell him he can take as much time away as he needs. Help him get help.

 

I suspect that part of this has to do with him feeling like "whats the point of marrying her, il probably lose her anyway. She could die" Seriously thats often what ppl think after consecutive deaths.

 

Just be there, and take care things as best you can.

[lostnva]

My god,

Even though yall have made me feel worse...I really see what you mean. I have been selfish and you are all right, I need to let him take some time to get help. I guess it just feeld like he just up and left me with all this responsibility and is not even trying to communicate with me. I dont care about the house and ect...I want him well and home with me. I sent him a text saying that I am sorry for not understanding your pain, and putting my feelings before yours. I told him I love him and will be here if he needs me. I asked him to please the doc, and get himself well. He didnt repsond back, but I figured that. I feel like I said what I needed to say, and he knows how much I love him.

 

Thank you all,

I cant believe I have been so stupid.....

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

You are certainly not stupid in any way!

 

A break up under any circumstances is painful, but he is definitely being very self destructive in using substances to numb himself and pushing away those closest to him instead of leaning ON them.

 

((HUGS))

 

I hope he gets his act together and you can be with him soon.

[lostnva]

Every time I walk outside to smoke, I see his stuff. His drum set, his tools, cds, clothes, pics...his hats still hang on the mirror upstairs. His stuff is everywhere as if he was still here. His mail is in a pile on the table. And still I get nothing, not even a goodnight text. I just dont understand....its like he has forgotten that he lived here. Its been 3 weeks. What the hell is going through his head? I know he is depressed and confused, but how long will he stay shut down? How long will he forget about our life? Im trying not to be selfish but I feel sick. Very very sick! Someone, anyone..who has been depressed and used or have ever experienced anything like what hes going through give me feedback please!

[giggle3474]

im so sorry that you are going through this. I know what it's like to feel like your world has flipped turned upside down overnight. What you are saying is reminding me of how I felt a week ago. I was so sad, so depressed, everything reminded me of him. I couldnt listen to the radio, couldn't watch certain things on tv. Even looking at my closet made me physically sick because I would see a shirt I wore on our last date or a dress that he said he liked the color of. It is physically and mentally exhausting.

 

But here's the thing - I don't know if this is the case for you but for me I realized that my entire life was my ex. I had no outside interests, no life, no hobbies and nothing going on outside of my relationship. So when he said he wanted to break up, I felt like I lost my everything. And then I started to realize that I did actually lose my everything. I relied on him so much to provide me just every day happiness and truthfully he failed at that a lot. Because it wasn't fair to him.

 

You have got to get up every day. You have to get yourself ready as if something special is going to happen to you that day. You have got to find things to do and not just go through the motions. Find things that make you laugh, make you smile. Do the things for you that you have probably been neglecting for so long. Live YOUR life and LOVE your life and when he comes back, you will be happy and well adjusted because you like yourself a hell of a lot more. I read the book, "why men love b*tches" Hands down the best book I have ever read. It made me feel so much more powerful in my skin. I recommend it to anyone.

[lostnva]

Yes he was my entire life....we didnt go out with friends, we would have them over. We didnt go anywhere without each other. We were together everyday other than work for the last 4 years. We consumed each other. And we truly loved it that way. Neither one of us would have had it any differently. Thats why this depression/confusion is hurting so bad. I guess Im trying to figure out how all of a sudden he can just shut me out. I undrstand the drugs/drinking/depression is making him a different person but my god its killing me in the meantime. I am going to try to get out some. I just dont really have anything to do....Im not use to doing things without him! I did go to the grocery store today for the first time....(he usually goes).

[Catdancer]

You can start by doing things that make you smile. Take your two kids for a nice drive to a park and then go for a walk. Not just around the neighborhood. Actually drive somewhere else and then go for a nice long walk with them. If you go near a creek or pond....go crazy and let'em go so they can play and splash in the water....go even further and stick your feet in too. Then take them to a pet store and let them pick out a snack..one each. I love to take dogs into pet stores and let them pick their own snack. They have such a great time and you can meet some great other dog lovers there too. Ask the store clerks and other customers about off leash dog parks, great places to run and play and walk your dog. You may aleady know all of this, but someone will probably give you an idea that you didnt think of.

 

My "babies" always make me smile when I'm down. So get in touch with them and take them out to do fun, new and exciting things. That's it. If you do nothing else, take your dogs somewhere. That is where you start. And since you're not working right now..you can take them somewhere new every day. All of you will benefit from it, probably more than you can imagine.

 

Start small and make yourself smile.

[lostnva]

Thank you ...I replied to your other post...and I am ging to take them to the park! The only problem is my 1 year old boxer Maggie...doesnt walk on a leash! She hugs my leg and wont let go..lmao! So thats my goal for the week! Getting her leash trained!

[Catdancer]

Thank you ...I replied to your other post...and I am ging to take them to the park! The only problem is my 1 year old boxer Maggie...doesnt walk on a leash! She hugs my leg and wont let go..lmao! So thats my goal for the week! Getting her leash trained!

 

Awesome! That's a great goal and it's something to work toward on a daily basis, and you can see the results immediately. You see, this is the smile and the pure joy that I'm talking about. You may not have realized it but you do have something else in your life besides your bf....you have two babies to care for, provide fun excercise and activies for, to bath and train and swim with...you see there is more to your life than your bf and pain.

 

There is the joy, happiness and pure innocence of two sweet puppies. They need you too. Try not to be so wrapped up in your pain that they get pushed aside. It sounds like you've moved on past that and you are branching out to find happiness within yourself. Good job! And good luck! I hope you have a wonderful time at the park. Cat

[lostnva]

Ok, so I just got a text that said are you leaving the house today? I sent back no. I then sent back if you want your stuff, then you need to call me so we can talk, and I only wanna talk about money (he owes for bills) and you moving. I am not doing this through text. And now nothing. What does this mean? I feel like he is trying to aviod seeing me because he doeant wanna face me. But I am not allowing him to come here without me being here, because I want to monitor what he takes. What do you guys think?

[IMAbadman]

I think he wants to avoid any confrontation (drama).

 

I’m sure he’s emotional himself.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

A really large part of this is that he is obviously a drug addict/alcoholic. It may have worsened due to his recent losses, but he will make no progress on anything until (and if) he gets treatment for that. Drug addicts are notorious in their selfishness and ability to avoid/ignore responsbility. The drugs are his one true love right now, and you can't compete.

 

So if he has decided that he prefers weed/alcohol to a relationship, and wants to shirk all responsbility including a relationship, there is nothing you can do about it. He has to make that journey on his own.

 

But the reality too is the druggies/alcoholics can also be very selfish and abusive. So if he is determined to leave, he could try to clear out the house. You need to protect yourself, and be there so he doesn't empty the house. If you haven't done so already, change the locks.

 

Ask him to send you a list of what he wants, or call you and talk about. If he wants to schedule a time to get it (when you're home), fine, or else move what is on his list to a storage locker and send him the key.

 

Grief does a lot of strange things to people, but so do drugs/alcohol. He does need to get treatment, and you do need to recognize that you can offer him support, but it is a journey he has to make on his own.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I also forgot to say you will be fine on your own in your house! There are many single mothers who have far more responsibility than you do, and you can learn how to take care of yourself and your house. Keeping busy will also help keep your mind off him.

 

Perhaps you need to get a good lawn mower you can use on your own to mow the yard. And your puppies can be your joy and give you time to relax and plenty of love. So take pride in your house and learn to garden. You will be fine once you just dig in and start taking care of things.

[lostnva]

Thank you all, yes he is emotional.....and I think he is choosing the drugs/beer over us. I HAVE finally realized this. He can only help himself. I am going to leave it at the last text.....call me and we can talk about you moving your stuff out. I have new locks, just havent put them in yet. Hes not getting out of this without facing me....and I will not beg or cry like I did the first couple of days...I think thats what he is afraid of. I just want to make sure he doesnt take stuff that doesnt belong to him. His mothers and grandmothers stuff is here too, and I dont want him leaving a big mess of stuff he doeasnt want for me to clean up! This isnt going to be an hour long thing....its going to take a good weekend or so! I dont want to pack his stuff...I want him to do it...I have done enough to help him. I dont feel its my responsibility to pack it!

[lostnva]

Hmmmm....after reading my last post it looks like I am at the anger stage....what comes next?

[lostnva]

Come on guys help me out here.....

[lostnva]

Okay, I have some questions! Should I tell him I am strong enough to handle him moving out. Right now I feel I am. But of course that changes every day...sometimes within minutes. Sometimes I feel strong...only to find myself seconds later crying. How will I know when I am really ready to let go. I dont want to say things I dont mean and might regret...I wanted him to say it but it seems he doesnt have the guts to! How will I know? Help!!!!!!!!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think he knows you are going to be upset and is trying to avoid that. My suggestion would be to have another 'neutral' friend in the house with you at the same time helping, or several friends. It is less likely to get too emotional or arguments if there are other people around helping.

 

You could text him back and say, 'what day do you want to pack and move? Person X and Y will be here to help with the move.' If he knows you are looking at it practically rather than turning it into a big emotional drama, he'll be more likely to respond well.

 

If you have go to the doctor to get tranquilizers to make it thru the day, then do it. This is a tough time for you, but you need to just soldier thru this right now.

 

I know a couple who broke up where there was a lot of anger and rejection and the woman was quite emotional about it, where the woman at one point actually leaped on the guy to attack him and police were called.

 

So if you feel there will be high drama, do what it takes to avoid that. It certainly won't help with the memories or any chance of reconciliation should he get treatment for his depression and drugs/drinking and come around again. The less traumatic this move out is, the better the chance that things will stay civil between you.

[lostnva]

OMG....so he sends me a text saying call him about his irs mail....instead I send a text giving him the info....then he sends back thank u...i dont respond! now i get a text that says godamit im so sorry.... * * * !!!! What should I do?

[lostnva]

Come on guys....should I respond? Should I say sorry for what. Should I say dont be sorry Im ok....get yourself some help.....what do I do?