THIS REALLY HURTS!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!

[mattias8701]

Well, quite a bit has happened since my last posts (See previous). Just for background: My ex and I broke up on October 19th. She hung out with her ex boyfriend when she went out of town for Homecoming at her college. She stayed up all night talking with him, told him all of our problems and when we talked on the phone while she was driving home, told me she felt like she wanted to kiss him. I told her I wanted to end the relationship on the spot.

 

By the time she got back, I had cooled down and told her I wanted to save the relationship and tried to see what it was I had done to contribute to this situation. She did not want to work things out. When we broke up, she said that she wishes we had gotten engaged because we could have worked this out. I said that we did not need a ring to work this out and before there was ANY ring, this would have to be resolved.

 

I moved out and was very strict about not calling her. My ex has been calling me roughly every three days since December 19th just having short conversations related to things about the apartment we once shared etc. I have not contacted her once directly since we broke up. I left a birthday card and one congrats card when she got into grad school, but outside of that no calls, nothing except a chance encounter on December 1st .

 

We talked twice just recently on Friday and again on Sunday for about 20-30 minutes. She brings up things about the relationship and like why didn't I make my self-improvements while we were together? She called me on New Year's Eve and we talked for 2 hours. She wanted to know if I would take her dog to the park for a walk if I was taking mine. She said that she still doubts in her heart of hearts that I have changed which is so incredibly hurtful to me. All of the therapy and medication to fight my ADD and depression, all of the work I am doing just seemed to be brushed aside.

 

She said that she felt that "I just threw us away" and that I "put a positive spin on things" even though I am busting my butt and even though she is the one who refuses to go on a date with me or even give me an opportunity to compete. She said that I am so smart and talented, but that her ex has no drama in his life and that he is just steady and consistent. OUCH!!! She said that she is dating him again but "not exclusively."

 

Her ex-boyfriend is in town because he is an assistant to the assistant football coach at a big university and there is a bowl game here today. She broke up with him 2 ½ years ago to be with me. They dated for around 5 years but she dated other people and severed all contact with him when we got serious. She really never cut all ties though because they spoke to each other on the phone off and on the entire time we dated and even when we lived together. Am I an idiot or what???

 

I am beginning to realize that she really never loved me and all of her talk about getting engaged was a bunch of crap. They spent New Year's together. I went out with friends and came by her apartment to get the dog on the morning of New Year's Day. As I was walking out I saw her, she obviously spent the night over at his hotel. THAT HURT!!!!. She came up and greeted her dog. I said Happy New year and hugged her. We have not seen each other since December 1st. It felt so great to have her in my arms, we held each other for a minute, I kissed her forehead and I left.

 

This has been the hardest time I have ever had with a breakup. I cried like a baby later that day. I get advice from a few friends, one guy and one girl. My guy pal tells me that there is no hope. She has made her decision. He thinks that this renewed contact is just to pacify me while her old boyfriend is in town and all of the gestures she is making is out of pity.

 

The girl who gives me advice just tells me to back off even more and just get out there and date. She thinks I might be pleasantly surprised regarding my ex and pointed out that at least you have a line of communication open and to use it to my advantage. It seems that I have been demoted to dog walker! Please help me here!

I want something tangible, not all of this heartache!

[tough_girl]

Oh My Gosh! A lot has really happened since the last post. Never thought all she wanted you to be was a dog-walker.

 

Well, at this point there's no going back. You've got to leave her out of your life. No more Mr. Nice Guy or Mr. Dog Walker and I'm sorry to say no more getting her back.

 

Let's say it was really mean of her to do and say all this things to you. First thing you gotta do is cut all contacts with her and her stupid dog. Tell her that you might not be so free anymore or make up another excuse.

 

Then get on with your life. Entertain yourself and improve yourself on your career. Read books to fill up your time. You'll surely get over her. Since you know who she is now, Don't have anything to do with her anymore.

 

Wish you good luck!

[silkysliplover]

Yeah, it hurts, it hurts really bad, but I am realizing right now after a 2 month hiatus that my former girlfriend has moved on and is seeing other people. The bad thing about giving folks time is that sometimes sit back and analyze things and realize they weren't the ones. Of course, I've got that nervous, sinking feeling in my stomach, that is agonizing and I've had a few sleepless nights, but it's time to heal. Time is the enemy in more ways than one, time can kill. Our reasons for the split were just bad timing. She had just got out of a long term relationship, and used me as a rebound briefly until we fell in love with one another. She had alot of other personal changes, but then relaized when she was out of the situation that we weren't a good item at all. I am having a hard time believing this, but it was true. We were in different areas of our life. I, myself are seeking someone for possible relationship and to settle down and marry, and she wanted this and was actually obsessed with it, and felt she was required to be married by the age of 25, which she just turned. We were only together 5 months, it was a whirlwind experience, an experience I won't ever forget, but I have to move on. It's not going to work. I have to cloud my thoughts and mind with the feeling it's not going to work. I realize your relationship was alot longer than mine, but we have similar issues here. There will always be a place in my heart for her. We both exchanged rude and cold emails, done out of anger and spite, but even though that felt good at the time, it started to feel really bad after a few days. It started to feel unhealthy. I can't and won't hate her, I can't go from love to hate just like that. I wanna look back 6 months from now and smile a smile and look at this person not an enemy.

[Pandora]

Hey buddy..

 

I know this really sucks and hurst a lot but know that there are still people who care about you. i'm still healing from my own breakup and believe me it haven't been easy. What she did to you is really mean. It looks as if she's trying to spite you and put you down as if she's saying she has a better life than you or something. Don't let her put you down.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to have no contact with her. It would help a lot in your healing process. From what you say it seem as if she had already moved on, back to her ex so it doesn't look like there is much chance. Why not give yourself a chance to date other girls and maybe you'll fine someone better. I did no contact and it work but when i went back to college and saw my ex all my hard work when down the drain so stay away for a couple of months at lest. hope i've been some help. Maybe things will get better maybe it won't but it all up to you. All the best..

[mattias8701]

I did the no contact thing for two months and it was she who was calling. Leaving me to be with an assistant to the assistant football coach???!!! God that hurts. Do you think that she was just calling to appease her guilt?

 

I have the choice to attend either law or medical school next fall because I took the LSAT for law school and did great on the test. I applied to be a transfer student for med school since I already did one year and was accepted to both programs. With my ADD and depression getting under control, I know that I will succeed!

 

If I can accomplish all of this, be a merit scholar, a Division 1 College athlete, nice, polite, and good looking, WHY can I not hold on to the girl that I love??!!! What the heck does this guy have that I don't? Oh that's right, he now has HER! Funny that I am asking this of all of you, because it is the exact same thing that her ex was asking her when she started seeing me! 2 1/2 years down the drain is unbelieveably hard to swallow!

[tough_girl]

Come on, mattias.

 

I know it really hurts. Like you said you're a every girl's dreamguy but sometimes things and people aren't what they seem. You can't control everything even if you're the ruler. People still want to go their own way. In the ruler's path there are bandits.

 

Why don't you perfect yourself first? At that time, your feelings might have changed and you wouldn't really want her anymore. Or maybe you wouldn't hurt so much.

 

What's important now, is to focus on something else other than her that can bring you grief. You can change yourself but unfortunately you can't change someone else.

[dave_1966]

My heart goes out to you, it really does. However, you sound like a really intelligent person and way too good for this girl. I went thru this a while ago, and my advice to you is to get a new email address, block all her numbers on your phone service, and get down the gym (this will make you feel more positive about yourself) and concentrate on your studies as this will ensure your future long term happiness, not this mixed up girl. If she ever attempts to call you, hang up or don't reply as it will only prolong your pain. It will also really aggrevate her at the same time, but be strict about it. NO communication! Just view it as a lesson in what you DON'T need in a relationship and take it all on board for when you meet a decent girl who'll give you what you actually need. Take care and look after your own interests in 2004![/u]