Why does infidelity automatically end it?

[Tethys]

Yes. Of course. Sigh.

[mrmaximum]

I've read some books and have spoken with councillors. Reasons for everything we do?...of course there is. The reason why I eat is because I'm hungry, there's reasons for doing everything. One thing that sticks out that my councillors said was that the person who had the affair has to be 100% accountable for that....not 95 or 98 but 100%. It was a choice that was made by that person with no involvment from the other person.

 

Getting back to the whole responsibility thing. It may not be one's intention to make their relationship worse, but we all know that cheating will do so. This is a response to a dynamic in the relationship, but there are positive and negative responses. The question is; what is it that one wants? Does someone want to have a long relationship that is undergoing problems at the moment but for the most part can be salvaged? If the answer is yes then cheating can't be listed in the possible actions to be taken column. We all know that there will most likely be a harsh negative impact when things finally come to light.

 

I've said this before and I'll say it again, one doesn't just 'move on' from cheating. It isn't that simple, try as some may to make it so. How many people go through symptoms similar to someone going through chemo because they're not getting their needs met? I will never say that one person's needs should come at the expense of another, however, as some posters have already said, it can take years in some cases to get over infidelity, and then in some cases after years of trying, after things have been apparently smoothed over, some just lose the will and then divorce anyway. Like others have said, the trust is gone, never to return. Question; how many people post here about how upset they are that for two years their SO didn't met their needs but is doing so now? This is what I mean, cheating is serious, maybe not unforgivable to some, but very hard to get over for others, plain and simple. Sure the original issue for that couple got rectified, but now they have a more serious one to deal with and one that simply cannot be treated like the husbands libido issues.

 

I've read once that cheating is like having a child with someone and then having that child die. Sure in time the pain subsides after you mourn and grieve, but you will never forget that child for as long as you both live. This is what it's like, it never goes away, the trust never returns 100% and for some, even less. It's gets easier in time, for sure, but it's always there. When Ben10 mentioned the fact that his ex had the word 'cheater' on her forehead, it wasn't as if he placed it there on purpose. It was a mental thing that, try as he might, he couldn't fix. For some it's mental and no matter how much you try, it's simply too much to get over. Are there people who could get really upset about their SO not meeting their needs for a few years but has now changed their ways, maybe, but I highly doubt it.

 

CS, you hit the nail on the head, cheating is a choice....a choice that some make. Whatever the circumstances that lead to it, the choice was made, not by the BS, but by the WS. If one cannot be accountanble for their actions, how is any resolution going to be made?

[Tethys]

Ben,

 

I sympathize with Law because I have read her past posts and she was greatly attacked back then as she is now. She cheated, right? She's just a "bad person."

 

Right?

 

I stand by my statement -- there are worse things than cheating.

[law1204]

Ben,

 

I sympathize with Law because I have read her past posts and she was greatly attacked back then as she is now. She cheated, right? She's just a "bad person."

 

Right?

 

I stand by my statement -- there are worse things than cheating.

 

Tethys, it sounds like you and I were in the exact same position. My h not only abandoned me, he emotionally abused me and humiliated me sexually. I could not agree with you more - I WISH my H had cheated on me rather than what he did. I really feel for you and hope you are doing better. PM me if you wanna chat sometime.

 

Me, I have to deal not only with the damage he did to me emotionally, but the tremendous guilt of having cheated and then having to leave and never being 100% sure of my choice to do so. It's been a form of hell.

 

Ben, do not judge other people until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Your attitude and your posts are extremely judgmental, closeminded, and borderline abusive. I recognize it when I see it, believe me.

 

Until you have been in someone else's position, you don't know. Period. You just don't know.

[mrmaximum]

And I would never wish that on anyone. This is why communication is so key and this includes talking and listening on both parties. Listen, the deal with people is that so long as you make a choice, whether positive or negative just be accoutable for it. We all can face certain experiences and stimulus in life wherever we go, however, what are we now going to do after that is the question. If some dude gets in my face at my part time job, am I going to fight him and risk getting charged with assult so I can screw things up for my family, or will I call a bouncer to take care of him? This is the choice, we all have ones to make, everyday of our lives. Our choices shape our lives and our outcomes and this is why we have to ask ourselves where it is we want to end up. What is our outcome here? Where do I want to end up?If one wants to lose weight, they don't just sit on their butts and eat ho-hos all day. They take actions will get them where they want to go.

 

If one makes a choice, they have to be accoutable of that choice. If someone had said that they shot this dude in the head and said "They left me no choice!" well what was the situation? "He was about to attack my son!" Then you got it, there was no other recourse and you have my sympathy. However; "He flipped me off!" Yeah, that may not go over quite so well.

When is cheating a situation where one had no choice? If you have a gun to your head; no not cheating, rape. If someone has incriminating evidence on you; once again, not cheating, extortion. To willfully have relations other than your SO is cheating and it is a choice. It just bugs some people here to know that others try to say that in their case they have every reason to do so.

 

Like my favorite columinsts like to state;

 

"How can you say that you didn't want to end the relationship when you engage in relationship ending activities?"

[law1204]

Ya, well I bet your xH didn't feel much loved by a woman that boffed another man.

 

He did not care whether I loved him. He cared about being in control. Abusive men do not love their spouses.

[law1204]

Ah, you mean your "justifications".

 

What is a "justification?" Anything that isn't an absolute judgement on someone else's person? I'd love to know who died and made you perfect.

 

You forget that I do not owe YOU an explanation or an apology or a reason for anything I do. I don't answer to you, so you cannot hold ME accountable for anything. I am here to share my viewpoint, and you may not like it, but that just means you are welcome to stop posting to me or reading what I say. I am happy to be placed in your ignore list if you cannot handle what I have to say.

 

I don't need to call a therapist to realize that cheating is one of the most selfish acts anyone can do to another person.

 

You need to call a therapist to realize that you are bitter and angry. And a therapist will tell you that cheating does not always stem from selfishness. It stems from pain.

 

You sure do alot of research to justify your cheating.

 

You're the one that should be researching what it is about you that makes women want to cheat on you.

[avman]

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