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is this a bad thing to want...??


smirkingvagabond

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I know I may be crucified because for saying this out loud but.....

 

There are inevitably times when my GF doesn't want to have sex(This is the case all too often IMO!)

 

In my prior relationship(marriage) my ex-wife didn't mind just "letting me have my way with her" when she wasn't in the mood. It definitely wasn't the best sex, but I felt satisfied afterward.

 

My current GF has told me that is not going to happen. She was pretty disgusted at the very idea that she would just "let me have her." in such a way.

 

She says all I care about is getting my "d__k wet."

 

Why should I feel guilty for wanting more sex? Is this such a bad thing?

 

I know all that really matters is that my GF doesn't want to do it, so it's not going to happen.

 

I asked a female friend her opinion, she said she didn't see a problem with the way my ex-wife handled the situation.

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The way your ex handled it worked for her (and for you), it just doesn't work for your current GF.

There is really nothing much else to say, it worked at the time with that person but it is a different time with a different person.

You're going to have to work around it somehow, it sounds like you're not going to pressure your gf, which is good. But you might want to talk to her about your needs and she might open up to new ideas.

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The way your ex handled it worked for her (and for you), it just doesn't work for your current GF.

 

Agreed. What works for one might not work for another. I have the same problem I want it more than my wife. All I can say is god gave us 2 hands for a reason lol.

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Well, i thought that was why the quickie was invented?

 

I think there is nothing wrong whatsoever about having a quickie to take care of the other person when you're not really that much in the mood. Honestly, most guys can get off pretty quick if they're in the mood and the woman just 'let's him have his way.'

 

Perhaps she doesn't understand that what you want is a quickie, and is interpreting it instead as some enforced sex. Get some info about quickies and try to do it when she's in the mood, then in the future you can ask her for a quickie rather than use the term 'have your way with her.' If someone is tired and not really that much in the mood, they can frequently be talked into a quickie if they know they don't have to do that much.

 

But how big is the discrepancy in your sex drive? that can be a bigger source of a problem. If it's a huge gap, and she won't negotiate with you on that, then you need to either take care of yourself in between times, or recognize that you're not sexually compatible and move on.

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Not trying to crucify you here, but it really does sound like you just sort of want it, regardless whether or not the partner enjoys it.

 

Can you masturbate when you want it and she doesn't? I know it's not "the same," but neither is doing it when your partner just simply wants you to be done. Also, I think it would be worthwhile to look into why your partner doesn't want it as much, whether that's just the way her sex drive is or if she just doesn't feel "motivated" to do it when you want to.

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I think there's a prob, worse than not getting sex to match your desires, when your partner says something like "you just want to get your blip wet", and follows that up with some disgust for something you bring up or have done regarding sex.

Maybe talking about your sex life before her with the ex? Or how you talk about sex with her - wording and approach?

 

What's the deal there. Is it a big difference in how you approach sex, talk about it, or compatibility..or maybe some other thing going on outside of the bedroom.

 

I don't know obviously. But I can't imagine saying something like that to a bf without there being some resentment there (and still wouldn't say that! It's basically saying she feels you are being perverse and want to use her for sex, that she isn't thinking too highly you in that regard - sexually or morally)

Resentment or deep dislike from somewhere the person is coming from.

 

So yeah. For sure wonder if this is a matter of how you handled it with her, or if you truly are putting the sex really first and foremost and just aren't handling that this isn't working due to capatibility difference or something else.

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I suspect a double standard here. I have the opposite problem. I am a man and I don't want sex as much as my girlfriend wants it.

 

If a woman posted that her boyfriend didn't want sex as much as she does then the responses to this thread would be different. The majority of posters here would recommend that she dump him.

 

So why is it okay if a woman doesn't want sex but it's unacceptable if the man doesn't? If the woman doesn't want sex then the man is told to be patient with her. If the man doesn't want sex then the woman is told to dump him.

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I disagree that a woman making a similar thread would be told to dump her bf. I think that in any relationship, a sexual incompatibility is a problem no matter who it is that wants sex more.

 

To the o.p.: I agree with the poster that suggested making things more romantic for your gf. That way you are letting her know that you want her but not pressuring her. I have been on both sides of the coin (I am female) and in the instance that it was me wanting more sex than my bf, I wish I had approached it this way instead.

 

I see what you are saying about how your ex-wife handled it, but ultimately, you didn't stay together, so I don't know if that was necessarily the most effective way of handling it. Sex is about way more than getting off- it sounds like your girlfriend values it more for the intimacy of sex as opposed to the orgasm. Just wanting to get off sometimes isn't a bad thing, but it can be done with emotion.

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I suspect a double standard here. I have the opposite problem. I am a man and I don't want sex as much as my girlfriend wants it.

 

If a woman posted that her boyfriend didn't want sex as much as she does then the responses to this thread would be different. The majority of posters here would recommend that she dump him.

 

So why is it okay if a woman doesn't want sex but it's unacceptable if the man doesn't? If the woman doesn't want sex then the man is told to be patient with her. If the man doesn't want sex then the woman is told to dump him.

 

My answer would be the same as the one in I posted in this thread (minus the part about only seeming to want sex with no regard to the partner's feelings, b/c I don't have enough info in your situation). I wouldn't tell your g/f to dump you.

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I would never have sex with my partner 'to satisfy myself'. It's unfair.

 

I hate to sound old fashioned, but I see sex as two people expressing feelings.

 

Sexual urges are just that - urges. Like hunger.

Sometimes you eat in a restaurant to relieve that hunger - and sometimes it's a TV dinner...

 

I hope you get the metaphor.

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The way your ex handled it worked for her (and for you), it just doesn't work for your current GF.

There is really nothing much else to say, it worked at the time with that person but it is a different time with a different person.

 

You're going to have to work around it somehow, it sounds like you're not going to pressure your gf, which is good. But you might want to talk to her about your needs and she might open up to new ideas.

We have talked about my needs many times. The frequency had been adequate(3 or 4 times a week) when we first got together. After the first 2 months it has steadily declined. We would talk about it, and each time, an agreement was made, a compromise. first it was every other day, then twice a week, then once a week , until now , when it's once every 2 weeks or so...maybe.

 

 

 

Taomagicdragon

 

She says all I care about is getting my "d__k wet."

 

If you're trying to convince her to do something she doesn't wnat to do then I am inclined to agree.

How often do you try to convince someone to do something they don't want to do? And just for the record, I NEVER said "let me have my way with you." I just used that expression because most everyone knows exactly what is meant by it in context. She brought it up once, when she refused me sex.

 

Why should I feel guilty for wanting more sex? Is this such a bad thing?

 

It's not about wanting more sex, it's about how you want it. Wine and dine her and do somsthing romantic and make it a two-way experience so that it's not just about you getting satisfied because that is what it sounds like.

 

It doesn't really seem to matter what I do as far as romance. She tells me that I constantly spoil her. I am constantly telling her I love her, doing things for her. cleaning the house(and yes, I have a full time "Real" job besides), cooking her meals, rubbing her feet when she comes home from work.....It seems NO MATTER what I do, or how I treat her at the end of the night, middle of the morning, or whatever time it is... there's always some kind of excuse why not to have sex.

 

I know all that really matters is that my GF doesn't want to do it, so it's not going to happen.

 

Good, because at best it'd be reluctance and at worst it'd be rape.

 

Thank you for pointing that out, I didn't know that.... *Dripping sarcasm*

 

Well, i thought that was why the quickie was invented?

 

I think there is nothing wrong whatsoever about having a quickie to take care of the other person when you're not really that much in the mood. Honestly, most guys can get off pretty quick if they're in the mood and the woman just 'let's him have his way.'

 

Perhaps she doesn't understand that what you want is a quickie, and is interpreting it instead as some enforced sex. Get some info about quickies and try to do it when she's in the mood, then in the future you can ask her for a quickie rather than use the term 'have your way with her.' If someone is tired and not really that much in the mood, they can frequently be talked into a quickie if they know they don't have to do that much.

 

But how big is the discrepancy in your sex drive? that can be a bigger source of a problem. If it's a huge gap, and she won't negotiate with you on that, then you need to either take care of yourself in between times, or recognize that you're not sexually compatible and move on.

 

I have brought up just having a "Quickie" more than once, she was opposed to that too... I would be happy with that, last we agreed was twice a week, The once a week thing, was me just "settling for what I could get." One quickie a week, and one non-quickie.. that would be ok with me. But she'll have none of it.

 

And I do masturbate quite often.. If I didn't I think I would go insane! We have talked quite extensively on what exactly is the problem. Her answer is always the same... "I don't know." She has told me once she gets into the "Comfort zone" of a LTR, her sex drive really falls off. It's apparently true. I went through all the usual reasons with her, and in my head to no avail. She switched from BC to an IUD, thinking the hormones of the BC were messing with her drive. There wasn't much impact with that. I asked if she was bored, did she want to experiment? We tried lots of things... She just tells me she's just not that interested.

 

 

I see what you are saying about how your ex-wife handled it, but ultimately, you didn't stay together, so I don't know if that was necessarily the most effective way of handling it. Sex is about way more than getting off- it sounds like your girlfriend values it more for the intimacy of sex as opposed to the orgasm. Just wanting to get off sometimes isn't a bad thing, but it can be done with emotion.

 

I def understand what you are saying about the idea that sex is about more than getting off-And I agree. I don't treat it as just to get off, that's what masturbation is for. I want more sex, because in part I feel closer to her when we have sex on a regular basis... When she continually rejects me I wonder: "What is wrong with me?" Why doesn't she want to be be close to me? She shows such reluctance where sex in concerned. She tells me, having sex is getting too close.

 

She just turned 30 BTW.....

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at least she is just your girlfriend right now, some girls do and some girls don't. I think your wife had it just right!, a woman doesn't have to be on call and some play and a little timing and waiting to get your way is only natural, but if she is the type that thinks it has to be just right for her, oh well, it is a long, long road without a good sex partner.

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with my ex bf, whenever he wanted it and i wasn't particularly in the mood, i did it and it was alright. i mean it wasn't bad or good. mostly for him and i didn't particularly mind.

 

 

however, with my current, if he asks and i wasnt in the mood. i'd say no and that's FINAL. if he pushes it, i'll be FURIOUS. and i put those two in different standards because i share a different level of intimacy with them. my current, i'm not in love with. my ex, i was.

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>>Taomagicdragon:

 

>>How often do you try to convince someone to do something they don't want to do? And just for the record, I NEVER said "let me have my way with you." I just used that expression because most everyone knows exactly what is meant by it in context. She brought it up once, when she refused me sex.

 

As far as my girlfriend is concerned, never. If we diagree on things we talk about it and reach a compromise or let it go. As for the wording you used, you should've picked a better phrasing.

 

>>It doesn't really seem to matter what I do as far as romance. She tells me that I constantly spoil her. I am constantly telling her I love her, doing things for her. cleaning the house(and yes, I have a full time "Real" job besides), cooking her meals, rubbing her feet when she comes home from work.....It seems NO MATTER what I do, or how I treat her at the end of the night, middle of the morning, or whatever time it is... there's always some kind of excuse why not to have sex.

 

That's not romance overall, and it sounds more like emotional blackmailing listing things you do. Sex is not a goal like in a video game where if you do A, B, and C you'll suddenly unlock sex. You can't earn sex nor can you haggle it. For your ages I am surprised you both are not more matured with your communication skills. Sex is an expression and you can't express what you don't have at the time (ie lust). If she's not in the mood as often as you'd like then talk to her and be mature about it; don't whine. Uncover some reasons, if any, and if all else fails then you can always find someone more compatible.

 

>>Thank you for pointing that out, I didn't know that.... *Dripping sarcasm*

 

Be nice, I am merely pointing out mature views that you seem to be able to learn from. Communicate with her, don't barter or haggle like you've been doing here, actually communicate about the relationship, not just sex. It sounds as though she feels she is being compared to your ex, at least if this thread is any indication, and she is feelign resentful towards it and I can't blame her. After all, who wants to be judged by their partner's ex in an unfavourable light?

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People have varying sex drives, which is obvious.

 

But I see the problem here more as she is not interested, and not interested in trying to compromise very much either. My fear is if it is once a week now, it will be once a month (or less) if you marry.

 

She's pretty much saying she does just fine without sex (and you should be the same way). But her saying you are 'too close' in sex makes me think there is something emotional going on there, where the intimacy of it bothers her.

 

I wouldn't marry her til you've resolved this (perhaps get some pre-marital counseling). She needs to understand that sex is something that should make couples closer, not something she should want to avoid because it is too close.

 

If she won't even try, then you need to find someone with a more normal sex drive since sex is important to you.

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Seems to be a recurring theme on this forum. Most posters will disagree with me, but I don't think sex is the most important part of a relationship.

 

If you regular want sex when your spouse doesn't, you should find a hobby, such as calligraphy or botany. Everytime you feel you "need" to have sex, do some calligraphy. It'll calm your mind.

 

Other ways are to pray, to meditate, to take a spiritual bath (with various magical, cleansing ingredients), to read, etc.

 

After a while, you find that you have far more energy in daily life. And when you do have sex, the connection is so much deeper.

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I suspect a double standard here. I have the opposite problem. I am a man and I don't want sex as much as my girlfriend wants it.

 

If a woman posted that her boyfriend didn't want sex as much as she does then the responses to this thread would be different. The majority of posters here would recommend that she dump him.

 

So why is it okay if a woman doesn't want sex but it's unacceptable if the man doesn't? If the woman doesn't want sex then the man is told to be patient with her. If the man doesn't want sex then the woman is told to dump him.

 

I didn't see anyone addressing this, but I think there is a double standard here and for good reason. If a woman isn't in the mood, there's no practical reason not to have sex anyway - you just spit, or use KY. If a man isn't in the mood, there'll be no sex for obvious reasons. Nothing to have it with.

 

On the other hand, I really don't see why a girl can't let her man use her for 5 minutes. I mean, it's 5 minutes out of her day to make someone else happy, and if she's wearing a skirt then she doesn't really even need to undress. Not being a woman, I don't think I'll ever understand what's so hard about lying down for a while to make your SO satisfied. Could anyone please explain?

 

A quick aside: as a man, I obviously can't reciprocate if not in the mood, but if I could not want to have sex yet keep an erection and my gf asked me for it, I'd have no problem with lying down and staring at the ceiling while she goes to town...

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