Can you relate to this or understand it?

[LikeYouImagined]

Alright, so I have only ever had 2 boyfriends and the second one is the boyfriend I am with and have been with for almost 3 years now. we have a happy relationship and I only have mild complaints about it now and then. the passion is very much alive still (just so you have an idea of how I feel). anyway, I guess it just occurred to me yesterday that after 3 years of not being with my first boyfriend, I still dream about him sometimes and almost want to just snuggle up next to him or kiss him when we hang out (we're still friends). is this really bad of me to have lingering feelings for my 1st bf or is it normal even though not everyone holds onto feelings for their first love? I think part of the reason I still feel those feelings toward my first bf is because I lost my virginity to him (and he lost his to me) and we were together for almost 3 years and broke up due to a lot of fighting but not due to one of us hurting the other person or doing something unforgivable. we ended things on good terms and stayed in touch even though I only hang out with him once every couple of months. do you think it's bad for me to keep hanging out with him since it could put me at risk of cheating on my current bf whom I'd never want to hurt? or, should I trust that since I haven't cheated on my bf after hanging out with this ex for years after we've broken up, that I can trust that I won't let anything happen now?

 

I'd love to hear what your experience tells you about this situation. I feel really guilty that I still have these residual feelings for my ex but at the same time I do not think it's because I love my ex more than my current bf, but I think it's because my ex and I had a lot of "firsts" together and he might always be "special" because of it. I just don't know if it's bad that I'm still hanging out with him though. *sigh*

[tbickle76]

I think that as long as you're not cheating on your current boyfriend physically or emotionally then it's not too big of a deal. Just remember that emotional infidelity can be just as hurtful if not more so than physical cheating. I'd be worried about that the most considering your still friends with your ex, you were each other's firsts, and your having fantasies about snuggling and kissing him. To me it seems like you still have feelings for him and it could easily lead to emotional cheating. The things is people don't realise they're cheating emotionally because it happens so gradually and there's no sexual contact.

 

If I knew my girlfriend was having these kinds of thoughts about an ex I'd be very hurt and worried. I'd say if you can keep it under control then don't worry. You say you only see the ex once every couple of months so you guys aren't terribly close, I think you may want to consider not spending anymore time with him. Just remember who is more important to you.

[LikeYouImagined]

thank you very much for your insight and advice. I think the part where you said that I should just really watch out that I don't start cheating emotionally is probably really good advice. I can imagine how something like that might sneak up on a person and so it makes me want to be really careful.

 

also, as you pointed out, I too would be disturbed if say, I found out that my boyfriend had feelings toward an ex that caused him to still dream about her and to almost want to kiss her or whatever sometimes when he sees her (even if he isn't going to act on it). I definitely would feel a little freaked out by that even though I am not the possessive type.

 

anyway, thanks a lot...your response was really helpful.

[ghost69]

i would not hang out with an ex when in another relationship. just disrespectful. also, what does the ex have that you need? friendship? make other friends.

 

the way i feel is when you date someone, you date them to be with them. you don't date them for friendship. sure, companionship and a friend, but it's more than friendship. you didn't need them as a friend before i'm betting. so why stay in contact?

[LikeYouImagined]

I see your point. maybe it's not logical to stay friends with him, although I could argue that we were classmates/friends before we decided to hook up so maybe that's why I want to keep the friendship going.

[ghost69]

I see your point. maybe it's not logical to stay friends with him, although I could argue that we were classmates/friends before we decided to hook up so maybe that's why I want to keep the friendship going.

 

a lot of the times when exs stay in contact it's because somebody is hoping they will get back together. subconsciously they think this. you might say you don't though. i see it all the time. my ex tries it with me all the time. i'm really short with her with hi and 'doing good' type remarks through email and texts and what not. if we see each other at the same spot, i say i gotta go. i just don't try and hang around exs. ruins my chances with other women, my intent with them was to date them. also, usually, when friends cross over to relationship stuff, the friendship is usually awkward after anyways.