Does the second time around ever work?

[k.will.photo]

Hello, I'm new here and I'm looking for advice that my friends cannot give.

 

I'm sorry if this is really long, but here's my story:

 

Jake (boyfriend) and I started dating a little over a year and a half ago. We've had a really good relationship, the kind you'd figure would end in marriage or something. We were 17 when we started dating. I'm now 19 and he gets there in August. I know we're young, but we did talk about marriage after a while. Both of us agreed to wait until after we were out of college at least, if we even ended up in that kind of relationship.

 

Since I was in 6th grade I have known I would wait to lose my virginity until I was married. Right after our year and a half mark, I lost it to Jake instead. At the time I was basically counting on him and I to get married... big mistake. Two weeks later he started questioning our relatinship.

Since then, I have had major trust issues with him. He's done his part to put my mind to rest about them, but it hasn't been enough, and only I could fix my trust issues once and for all. The problem is, I didn't. I just kept blaming him for them.

 

About a month ago I cheated on him. I have never EVER cheated on anyone in my life, and I never planned to. I guess it had something to do with my trust issues with him and the fact that I didn't feel like he really cared, but I came to my senses and told him about it and asked him to forgive me (it was only kissing, nothing major, but of course it still counts). He chose to forgive me and he seemed to forget about it.

 

Since then, we've fought a lot. Anytime we just hang out and don't worry about the relationship/romantic aspect of it, we're fine, but as soon as we start talking about our romantic relationship we start to fight. My trust issues come up and he feels like I'm holding him back and that I've been overbearing.

 

This past Sunday, we actually had a great day. He got what he wanted, I got what I wanted. I wasn't being overbearing and I was actually being really understanding and he catered to my needs/wants of his attention too. That night I was thinking a lot, probably too much. I kept feeling like there could be someone else out there. Someone better for me. But everytime I think about that, I think about how perfect he fits into my life: my family (extended, parents, parents' friends, brother, EVERYONE) adores him, we have the same interests and likes and dislikes, we agree on important stuff pertaining to marriage like how to raise and discipline kids, how the love part of a marriage should go, how sex should be, how money should be handled, his family is awesome, etc.

 

But because of the style of relationship we have, I talked to him about it (we try to be really open with each other and bring up stuff that's bugging us). He basically suggested we break up and just be friends. If we ever got back together, it would just happen, we wouldn't force it. What was I supposed to do, disagree with him? So we broke up.

 

The next day I went with a friend to Daytona Beach (FL) to run some errands with her. I was such a downer and I felt really bad about it. Anyway, he called me in the morning before we left and I told him that I didn't know if this was what I wanted. He said it was what he wanted. I can't force him to be with me if he doesn't want to be. He then texted me in the afternoon and I was feeling really crappy. He's never really dealt with a long term relationship break up, and he didn't know not to talk to me or to say stuff like "how are you doing" (which is of course what he texted me). I used some foul language in telling him I felt [crappy], and how the [heck] did he think I felt.

 

He called me when he got off work and we talked for a while. I'd figured out how I'd screwed up in the relatinship by then and we talked about it. I wanted a second chance but I didnt want to force him into it or anything. He said he needed some time to think it over and I agreed.

 

Yesterday he came to my house and told me he figured I deserved a second chance. But I have to show him that I can fix what I said I could fix and everything too. I know I can do it, but I kind of feel like he doesn't believe in me or something. He's assured me that's not the case.

 

Today I've just been thinking a lot. One of my friends said that she thought Jake and I went very well together but that she wanted me to end up with someone that was passionately in love with me, and if he wasn't, then maybe it was time to let go.

 

I want to give it some time before I decide either way, and even if it does come down to letting him go, I know it will be really hard. After all, I've been with him for over a year and a half. I love the kid, even if we're not meant to be together in a romantic way. He's my best friend on top of my boyfriend, and we both fully expect to keep the best friend relationship even if the romantic one has to be set aside. I also realize if we do let go of the romantic part that it will be a while for us until we can really be as good of friends as we are now, just because both of us will have to heal.

 

I'm just not sure what to do, and if the romantic part of our relationship has fizzled out and I just don't want to see it, or if we really have a chance.

 

Again, sorry the post is so long, and thanks for any advice (my friends aren't so good with it, haha).

 

[

K

[saintboon]

I think you are both going to have to work very hard to make it work. I know you may be committed to working, but is he? Compromise will be needed. I know this sounds rash, and trust me, I'm not expert, but you guys may actually need the time apart. If it's meant to be, it will be...

[k.will.photo]

I think you are both going to have to work very hard to make it work. I know you may be committed to working, but is he? Compromise will be needed. I know this sounds rash, and trust me, I'm not expert, but you guys may actually need the time apart. If it's meant to be, it will be...

 

Thanks, I have been thinking about that too. If we are truly meant to be, it would work out in the end. But I'm scared too. It's kept me from making any big decisions.

[saintboon]

I know it's scary. But what I've been finding out the hard way, since my recent ex left me, is that if I'm ever going to have a real, strong, lasting relationship, I need to be happy alone first...

 

Don't feel compelled by this, but I was wondering also if you could check out my post, Walk Softly in LC, What Would you do... You are about the same age as my ex, and she was also a virgin when we met. She also cheated on me by kissing another guy (once), although we never discussed anything close to marriage (I'm 21 for heaven's sake!).

[k.will.photo]

no problem

[Anon333]

hello,

just read your post. This one is a difficult situation, because all relationships eventually die down in the romance department after some time, and it is something that you two have to work on to keep some romance. It sounds like you two have good building blocks for a healthy relationship. it is difficult to find someone who you get along with and get along with thier family and agree on money/kid/moral issues etc...Plus you guys are best friends! All the makings for a great relationship.

 

The only problem I see is that you guys are so young and have not experienced other relationships that you dont know what you have, or even how important it is to work on it and keep it. TO me, a relationship usually consists of the right person at the right time. SOunds like he is right for you, but it may be the wrong time...If you two do try to split up and dat other people and see if you ever end up coming back together I warn you, make it as neat of a break up as possible. That will save you two for having any chance in the future. Believe me, I know from experience.

 

I really believe that if you guys dated a few more people and it didnt work out, you might have another go at your relationship and actually appreciate much more about eachother. You learn from other relationships. But it is pretty risky, and will be difficult to break up cleanly without damage being done. Especially if you end up dating other people. But I think that if you try to stick it out now, you will always be curious about other relationships with other people, and eventually your heart will wander, whereas you'll know he is the one for you if you try dating other people...Just my opinion..

[DrPhil]

Sorry, I'm confused..

 

You're questioning whether to let him go or not because you feel he doesn't believe in you? He's not 'passionately' in love with you?

[k.will.photo]

Thank you very much. I have been thinking this too, but again fear holds me back. I would say I am almost certain he could totally be the One, but of course I know I'm young. I've had more relationships in the past than he has, but still.

 

I know I should trust in God (yea I'm a bit religious) and if he's right for me, it will all work out in the end, but I'm just so scared. If we break up, nothing is certain. But I guess the way we are, I could never really lose him because even if we never got back together, we would still be best friends.

[saintboon]

Some good points by Anon... Though I'd take it a step further. The human heart is resilient, and more often than not it's more a matter of when than who.

[k.will.photo]

Sorry, I'm confused..

 

You're questioning whether to let him go or not because you feel he doesn't believe in you? He's not 'passionately' in love with you?

 

It's a bit more than that I'm afraid... those have something to do with it, but they are not the main things.

[Anon333]

thanks saintboon. But in my experience, it is difficult to find someone you feel that bonded with and work so well with. But the when is pretty much the decider on if it will work....K.Will.Photo, Im not sure if you should count on being best friends with him if you two break up and try dating other people..That is a bit unrealistic I think...

 

Maybe you guys will break up and meet other people and go your own ways, but from the sounds of it, you both have some special bonds that could likely pull you back....But the best friend thing does not work so well if you have had this type of past and are thinking of marriage and then break up....Breaking up with him, will flip both your worlds around for a bit.

 

I think it might be one of the hardest things you have done. But the only alternative is staying together in a questionable unsatisfying relationship...You need to split and change and learn to be on youw own like saint boon said, and if after all your changing and dating other people and seeing new places you two still have that rooted connection, it will be right and you two will know it...Just please try not to drag it out and make eachother jealous and insane amd get back together and break up and all that messy stuff, because you both will be so tired and drained out by eachother in the end, you will not have anything left inside for a future chance together.

[Confusedashellmyself]

If you want it to work , it will

[tushboy]

Second chance didn't work for me.....but yes its worth taking chances...isn't that what life is all about?

[k.will.photo]

Some good points by Anon... Though I'd take it a step further. The human heart is resilient, and more often than not it's more a matter of when than who.

 

I think it might be a matter of both. The right person at the right time. I said in the past that if I'd met Jake my senior year of college it would have been amazing! (Instead of senior year of high school.)

 

But I also go back and forth. For Example: this morning I woke up and I'm very happy that Jake and I are together. Last night I think I was more open to advice and I would let it rule my thought. But this morning I'm glad I'm with him.

 

Maybe I just think too much?

[k.will.photo]

I'm pretty good friends with all of my ex boyfriends. Yea it takes a while, but I have kept in touch with them and I am friends with them. Thats why I think after a while of healing, Jake and I could totally continue our friendship.